Do you ever think about what you want? What you really really want? Like, if your wildest dreams come true—what would life look like for you?
As big as my imagination is, this is something that I truly seem to struggle with.
I’ve spent most of my life thinking about what other people want and doing everything I can to please them. Thinking about what I want actually kind of scares me.
It's a strange phenomenon, isn't it? To be so attuned to the desires and expectations of others that you inadvertently overlook your own. I find myself caught in a perpetual cycle of accommodating everyone else's needs while neglecting the voice inside me that's whispering about my own aspirations. It's almost as if I've subconsciously embraced the notion that my dreams are secondary, that my desires aren't as valid as those around me.
But lately, there's been a subtle shift in the air, a quiet rebellion of sorts. I've come to realize that this pattern of self-negation is not sustainable. It's as if I've been living in grayscale, a muted version of myself, and it's time to infuse some vibrant hues back into my life.
The question lingers: What do I want? What would life look like if I truly unshackled my imagination and allowed myself to dream without restraint?
At first, this exercise feels daunting, almost impossible. I've become so accustomed to molding my desires to fit within the contours of others' expectations that identifying my own wishes seems like navigating through deep, resistant uncharted waters.
Sometimes, I feel like I am drowning.
But as I sit down to reflect, pen in hand, the barriers between me and my innermost aspirations begin to crumble. I envision a life where my passions take center stage, where the pursuit of my dreams isn't just a whimsical thought but a purposeful endeavor.
Softness, maybe. Security? A healthy nervous system and body. Clarity. The freedom to be myself.
In the quiet corners of my mind, these whispered desires flutter like delicate butterflies, seeking to break free from the cocoon of my fears. They're the inklings of a longing that has remained hidden beneath layers of conformity and self-doubt for far too long. As I finally confront these yearnings, I realize that they're not just fleeting wishes; they're the embodiment of my authenticity.
The first threads of this tapestry of desires weave through the idea of softness. In a world that often values strength and resilience, the concept of softness can feel like an anomaly. Yet, there's an undeniable beauty in vulnerability, in embracing the gentler facets of our being. Softness signifies a willingness to feel deeply, to approach life with an open heart, unguarded and unafraid. It's a quest to embrace the tenderness within, to honor the emotions that color our experiences without judgment or reservation.
Security emerges as another thread, a yearning for stability in a world of constant change. The desire for a foundation that remains unwavering, a safe haven where the storms of life can't breach the walls. It's more than financial security; it's the assurance that even amidst uncertainty, I possess the inner strength to weather the tempests and emerge unscathed. This security is not rooted in material possessions, but in the unwavering belief that I am the architect of my own stability.
A healthy nervous system and body form a vital part of this constellation of desires. It's a plea to be in sync with the vessel that carries me through life. A desire for vitality that allows me to explore the world with boundless energy, to dance with exuberance, and to savor each moment without the constraints of physical limitations. It's an acknowledgment that the body and mind are intertwined, and nurturing one nurtures the other.
Clarity—a luminous beacon in the fog of uncertainty. To see the path ahead with unwavering vision, to unravel the mysteries that shroud the journey. Clarity is not merely about knowing where I'm headed; it's about understanding who I am and what truly matters. It's a departure from the haze of indecision and a commitment to live with intention, even when the road ahead is unclear.
And then there's the yearning for the freedom to be myself—a freedom that transcends the societal norms and expectations that have molded me. It's a plea to shed the masks I've worn to fit in, to unfurl my wings and soar without fear of judgment. This desire speaks of authenticity, of embracing the quirks and idiosyncrasies that make me unique. It's the audacious act of reclaiming my identity from the clutches of conformity.
As these desires intertwine and unfurl, they illuminate a path toward self-discovery and empowerment. They are the compass guiding me toward a life that's authentically mine, a life sculpted by my own hands rather than the dictates of others. It's a journey that requires courage, the courage to honor my own desires as valid and worthy.
The fears that once held me captive—the fear of disappointment, of rejection, of charting an unconventional path—are slowly dissipating. In their place, a sense of liberation blooms. As I peel back the layers of self-doubt and relinquish the need for external validation, I embrace the possibility of living a life that resonates with the rhythm of my heart.
In this world of boundless possibilities, I see myself standing at the intersection of passion and profession. A writer, perhaps—an architect of words, painting stories with eloquence and emotion. I picture a cozy little cottage nestled in nature's embrace, where the rustling leaves and the distant melody of birdsong provide the soundtrack to my creative explorations. I imagine pouring my heart into projects that resonate with my soul, free from the constraints of external judgments.
And then, there's the thrill of exploration. My heart flutters at the thought of traveling to far-flung corners of the globe, immersing myself in diverse cultures, and collecting stories like precious souvenirs. With each step taken on foreign soil, I'd be taking a step closer to understanding myself, my desires, and the beautiful tapestry of humanity.
But as vivid as these dreams are, they also bring forth a wave of uncertainty. Can I truly give myself permission to desire these things? Can I dismantle the fortress of self-doubt that I've erected over the years? The fear of disappointment and the weight of expectations still cast their shadows, reminding me that the journey to self-discovery is seldom without its challenges.
Yet, isn't that what life is all about? The interplay of light and shadow, triumphs and setbacks, dreams and doubts. Perhaps, in embracing my desires, I'm not just charting a course toward personal fulfillment, but also giving myself the chance to grow, to evolve, and to maybe even inspire others to embark on their own journeys of self-discovery.
So, as I stand at this crossroads between conformity and authenticity, I'm choosing the path less traveled—the path that leads to the heart of my aspirations. With each step, I'm unraveling the layers of self-negation, peeling back the façade I've donned for so long. It's a process, a labor of love, and I'm committed to nurturing the seeds of my desires until they bloom into a vibrant garden of purpose.
Do I still fear the unknown? Hell yes, but the fear is no longer paralyzing…most days. It's now a companion, a reminder that growth demands embracing discomfort. As I let go of the safety net of people-pleasing, I'm weaving a safety net of resilience and self-belief.
And so, I return to the question: Do you ever think about what you want? What you really really REALLY want?
The answer, now, is a resounding yes.
I give myself permission to dream.
With each passing day, my reflection reveals clearer contours of my aspirations. My heart races with excitement as I envision a life that's authentically mine—a life sculpted by my dreams, fueled by my passions, and adorned with the colors of my own desires.
-JR
P.S. I am recovering from strep throat, so forgive my voice if it’s weird. Something told me to voice record this and I am trying to to listen to that little voice these days.
Thanks for reading Hello Beautiful Human! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Get full access to Hello Beautiful Human at heyjessieraye.substack.com/subscribe
