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What to do when mom dies. 
10-point outline. 
Each bullet point is a podcast. 

1 Communicate out. Task helper 
2 Plan short term where bury, type casket, funeral home, speaker, meal, flowers, media outlet / social media 
3 Secure pets, mail, trash, fridge, utilities 
4 Get death certificate x 25 cert copies. Digitize it. Email/save to yourself. 
5 Get cash soon. Long process. 
6 Find Will, Open Estate. Collect debts & identify assets. 
7 Cancel monthly charges drains on bank accounts & credit cards 
8 Box up/throw out/distribute assets
9 Convert—mail, bills, bank accounts, IRAs 
10 6-months from now — Grieve. Move, date, what next God’s Will?

Send input, ideas, prayer requests to [email protected]  

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Abraham, Adam, Jesus & You as caregiver

Abraham as caregiver. Romans 4:21. Persuaded, he performed. He stepped—& bred! 

Jesus: Go & make disciples. 

Adam: Go and tend garden. Go and name animals. 

Moses: Go and tell Pharaoh. 

David: Go and take food to your brothers. Persuaded by the promise (god with him), he performed. 3 Ps: persuaded, promise. Perform. Fully persuaded in what god promised, he performed. He stepped—and bred! 

What faith requires of us—go into world, produce there. Go to person, do something to help. High agency. High confidence. High vision. High heart. High hope. High learning. 

Abraham about 100 when STARTED. Prob cared for @ 50 people including Dad, wife & nephew Lot. Go 400 miles from Ur, Sumer, to promised land, from Turkey to Israel, through desert, disease, drought, famine & bandits. With no idea where going or what next. 

Just as Adam did, and Christ commands. 

STORY is told of young couple who wanted to get married, but had no idea where to move or what work to do. They heard of elderly family member who took ill on farm in a rural state. They moved there to love and take care of him, and in process absolutely fell in love with Farm lifestyle, the relationship, the work. They’ve been able to do the ways in which have been so productive and happy at the same time – – while caring for someone else in true legitimate need. They were not passive and indifferent, selfish, full of fears and anxieties, playing video games in moms' basement. Not full of excuses or fatalism, not weak and insecure. They were a strong young couple trusting each other and serving someone else, and being productive. They perfectly encapsulate the faith of Abraham. They stepped & did.   

Nowhere does Jesus say hide. Stop. Take up space. Fear. Tremble. Sit. Soak. Sour.  In some sense caregiving may make you feel like you’re leaving world and stepping out of existence, that you’re no longer relevant, or are invisible. On other hand CG is moving you into world much deeper — world of emotion mind experience of reason of logic of angst of the spirit you see the life is precious, and that is awful, that we are all in a state of decay, that no one will get out of here alive. You see what it means to give and receive you see the consequences in care receivers of the life that the previously lived so happy full of joy, solitude, and great stories others are bitter and mean and nasty and awful. You see that all things ultimate or spiritual things. But out of the heart, the mouth speaks. You see the wages of sin is death. You see that the way of the transgressor is hard. You see the brokenness of man and family, destruction, and personal meanness and agreed for money. All  fight for grandma‘s money, no one fights to take care of her. 

You learn more about human nature caring for someone else in 30 days than you did the prior 30 years of your life. 

Everywhere Go & Do. 

Be Productive. 

Productivity is Beautiful. 

Like my farm at patriotpups.org

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Intro: Tragic true story of noncommunicative octogenarian man thought for years to be incontinent--who wasnt

To be right is to be alone, and sometimes to be very, very wrong. 

4 Things we must be right about in CG:
Safety & Security of CR
Cash Flow (nonpaid bills are lurking snakes)--IU Health as example
Medical State as of right now: appts, meds, conditions, supplies, RX, TX, DX, 
What is next…what if…

But what does it mean “right?” One Beautiful Bill, Grand Scheme, Elegant Solution, Kick closest snake, pragmatism, utilitarianism, ethically right, morally right, legally right, range of options, Look to median & mean, Venn Diagram. Is 80% solution enough. Close enough for govt work? What is the STD, who defines?  

Do we find right by Logic, Hunch, Counsel, Advice, Skill, Training, Intuition, Zodiac? 

Right for who? CR, CG, Stakeholders, Fam, Med Provider?

At West Point--choose the hard right over easy wrong. But most times we are not morally wrong. 

In seeking right, there are traps to avoid, per Dr. Caroline Leaf

1-Sometimes our need to be right is fear dressed as logic. Truth is--we dont know. But we are expected to, so we feel pressure to stab at being right. Hwer is where we need to be aware of biases--confirmation, achor, social conformity, halo effect 

2-When we prove a point, we build distance not connections. There are only so many times you can be “right” with CR and not lose completely your relationship w her

3-If you always have to win, you’re not communicating, you’re keeping score. Zero Sum Game.
 
4-Needing to be right makes it real hard to learn what’s actually true.
 
5-Most pain is caused by people who are right, who know truth, but communicate it as weapon--either as knife or mallet 

6-If the conversation is about control, nobody’s listening. Break and regroup later. 

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Countercultural Caregiving. Romans 1:1

Catch: Caregiving in America today is as countercultural as Christianity was in Jerusalem in day of Jesus, and in Rome in days of Paul.

Christianity began in Jerusalem: Temple, Law, Priests, Passover, Arrest, Trial, Crucifixion, Resurrection, All disciples Jews there, Missions began here, First Sermon: Pentecost (5000 saved from 10+ diff regions of world), Persecution began in Jerusalem when Herod killed James, First churches planted, Real want realized by Christians.  Butt it quickly transitions to Rome—center of world, based on Greek ideas + Roman law. 

What was society like there: 

Religion cold, formal, cultural, distant, outward focused, rote memory, void of life. But Jesus promises peace like river, joy like fountain, eternal life, spiritual rebirth, rivers of living water, love like an ocean, born again—born of spirit. Our hearts cry “ABBA, father!” 
 
Society heavily patriarchal. Every matriarchal value was devalued. Yet Jesus & Paul assert dignity and responsibility and authority of women, and with it maternal values like love, charity, kindness, goodness, grace--all with humble service. Pricilla, Lydia, (at least) 4 Mary’s, widow casting mites, 2 who poured oil in Him in worship, 

Hierarchical society based on power, law, control. But in Christianity the last are first, first last, greatest serves most. We are slaves of gospel, Christ, the lost, church and of others. While they were based on 100% hierarchy, Paul and Jesus took forms of lowest slaves, washing feet, being imprisoned and whipped. 

Justice grounded in retribution, the lex talionis, reciprocity cycles. An eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. There was no place in Roman culture or Jewish law for forgiveness. If you acted on principle of doing something kind to someone for sake of kindness, or even worse, doing kindness to someone in the face of their hostility toward you (praying for an enemy, giving them your coat if they take your shirt, turning cheeks to offensive attacks), you were mental basket case and threat to your culture, and a shame to your family. 

Yet Christianity injected idea that truth is more important than your honor and shame, in fact truth acted on is sole basis for honor, and to reject truth vertically toward God and horizontally toward man is to bring worst and greatest and eternal shame. 

The other aspect of Christianity radical was use of written word. Letters were very rare, expensive, in ancient culture--reserved mostly to kings & generals. Archeologists have collected about 13,000 letters from ancient times. The average letter is 500 words long. Letter to Romans is whopping 7000--longest letter preserved in all of ancient human history. By contrast the longest letter written by Cicero is 2000 words. 

In Paul’s day 15% of people could read or write any language, and so it is extremely unusual and rare that the New Testament has 27 written texts. It speaks of his vast network he could pen and send dozens of letters in all directions, and have them circulate to other cities and regions and continents. 

The idea is that Christianity is true, can be known, grown in, tested & shared, then transmitted to others. We can know it, and do it (doxos, praxis). Every other religion is static, you learn its secret truth, or you follow its dead human founder,. And yet there is evolving sense in Christianity of growth and development and expansion around the world. 

Consider purpose of Romans: to convince conquering Romans they are equally under sin as the Jews, whom God seemed to be replacing with Gentiles. At same time Paul has to convince Jews that these wild, barbarian Gentiles are just as loved, forgiven, redeemed, and received as Jews themselves (even more so!).

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What makes us crappy listeners? God gave us 2 ears & 1 mouth,, that we would listen 2X more than we talk. So what went wrong? 

The thing we need the most of, we do the least. 

Broadly speaking sociolinguists identify 3 broad barriers to effective listening: 
Internal barriers—daydreaming, ignorance, hearing problems, tired, ADD, jumping to conclusions, personal attacks, listening to speak instead of listening to receive. 

External barriers-noise to signal ratio,, context unclear, social pressures, language misunderstandings, Complexity of situation, Emotionalism, noises, TV blaring, time limits 

Stereotyping & Bias. 52 to be specific. Most important—confirmation, anchor, Golden Boy, social conformism  

So what causes ME to be a crappy listener for my mom?
1) Whack-a-Mole mentality of always solving problems
2) Assuming 
3) Anger/Fear—Fear/Anger
4) Unresolved family conflict. Member tension
5) Lack of plan. So much of caregiving seems like planlessness 
6) Performance anxiety/perfectionism 

The beginning and end of caregiving is listening. So why don’t we? I’m sorry, what did you say??! 

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Pouring your heart out as Caregiver Mt 26:6-13 

An unknown woman enters a room of religious men. What she does inside is memorialized in the Bible. Not her name, but what she does--meaning we too can be memorialized by our actions. 

Jesus’ teaching ministry is finished. His healings and miracles are done. He made clear he will die by crucifixion. The number of days he has left on earth is low single digits. His disciples still are unaware of this, for they have not been paying attention.

Into the house of a despised and ostracized leper and into this room an unnamed lady enters, without invitation. She is unknown to everyone in the room, all men. She walks to Jesus, opens a box, then pours out its content upon his head, totally silent. No word is spoken by her. Then she leaves, as fast as she came, though Jesus comments upon her action. 

She came and poured, THEY sat and said. She ACTS active tense, they complain in passive voice. She works, they words. She alone, they many. She a woman, they men. She serves,  they criticize. She worships, they whine. She is positive, they are negative. 

A denarius = 1 day of labor. Here 300 days of gross pay, or $48K @$20/hr. 

Spikenard—Amber-colored essential oil from India & China, like honeysuckle, used for perfume + medicine + religious rites. She worked, saved, searched for & preserved this for Jesus. 

Alabaster box—soft, polished stone, typically white and translucent, used for carving, either a type of gypsum or calcite. Carved, filled, sealed—hence representation of Jesus’ burial. 

Cost-less Christianity is worth-less Christianity. A Christianity without cost is a Christianity without value. 

How many times we criticize people for doing what they want with their own things. Like you care? Like it matters to you? Like it impacts you in some way? 

Their response to her worship: indignation, murmuring, rebuke & troubling her 

Consider this: 
Her wordless worship is compelling
Her worship fills the world today, as it did that entire room. 
Her sincerity was too much for Judas to bear, or disciples to swallow 
The beauty of her act is it is purely and simply given to Jesus. 

Hymn: “only one life,” CT Studd: 
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

How important are “they” to you. Every woman has 5 voices in her head she is listening to-who torment her with guilt. As a result, she is held back. She freezes. 

How many people DONT do something, attempt something,—because of ….. roles (she woman, they men), guilt (mine is not enough), shame (look dumb), fear (rebuked).

If you want to do something, nothing can stop you. If you don’t want to do something, any excuse will suffice

Example 2021 bought restaurant at worst time: Biden, Covid, logistics, inflation, supply chain, rural area, no prior experience, reliant on teen labor, in debt, prev owner horrible reputation, extreme bad quality food, 40 miles from my home, nocturnal industry & no weekends, with high standards where previously there were none. 100 things to worry about and deal with before even get to food. With my faith & politics very overt (not hidden). Result: we won Best of Region 2-yrs in row; TV 5-times; 4 food blogs; ; invented everything on menu; welcomed many families into NTX; hosted popular radio program on local station; did much good—1st Responders Meal; kids eat free pizza for reading 10 books at library; veterans get free beer as our way to say thanks; hosted homeschool groups for military history lesson & make own pizza; 100 free pizzas to teachers in 8 school districts. 

Its not just this woman. Simon Leper opened his house and fed so many. Mary in Bethany did similar when she

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"Though our bodies be taken from us through Parkinson's, or our minds removed by Alzheimer's, our soul is intact in Christ.”

Please pray 3 things for Sabrina & her dad, Willam. 

If you have prayer request, email me [email protected] 

Pray! 

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Jim Henson, on caregiving 

Catch: it ain’t easy being a caregiver, and it ai t easy being green 

Henson created modern puppetry. Every person over 40 can name 10 of his characters, each it is said reflects some attribute about Henson. In high school he joined a puppetry club. He met his wife in a puppetry class in college. He applied for a TV job in College but no one was hiring. He noticed job posting for a puppeteer. He went to library, read one book, came back and ended up with a twice – weekly puppet show on television. Like every “overnight success” it took him 10 years to strike on Sesame Street idea. His leadership style was marked by: fearless, hardworking, generous, and calm. Worth $100M at death. His companies 2-3x that amount. 

1) We create our own reality. Bible: As a man thinks, so is he…Pro 23:7

2) Listening is the first & last step. The thing we need the most of, we do the least of—listening. Listening creates humility, builds relationship and better results. 
 
3) Simple is good. Jim would say these words then set about to create and perfect the most complicated task possible-nearly wiping out all to do it. 

4) The reason we’re here is to work our way through it—and come out wiser. We learn as we tackle each problem. 

I cannot say why I am good at what I do, but I work very hard. I am not aware of making conscious career decisions. I do one thing, and it leads to another, in natural progression. I believe in what I do, and get great pleasure from it. I feel fortunate I do what I do and love it.

When the path is steep and night is all around. When your heart is lost and your map cannot be found, face facts, act on your own. Preparation, perspiration, determination are keys. Pack snacks, and make tracks. 

5) The places you’re going are never on the map. Show me what I can explore. Direct your energies on things you can affect. 
This is the place,
This is the time. 
To clear your heart, 
And open your mind. 

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Acts 18:1-4 

On Easter Sunday evening of 1523 a man drove his wagon full of fish barrels into the courtyard of a nunnery in Germany, where 12 nuns secretly were waiting to flee. Many of them had been sold as young girls into the convent by their parents, some through destitution, others by neglect and others for profit. And so these 12 brave young nuns hid themselves quietly inside fish barrels, hoping they could escape their convent prison. Only their clothes & faith, shoeless so as not to make a sound. 

The next day they were met by a former German priest, now himself a protestant minister of the gospel of salvation by grace through faith, and not of works. He looked upon one of these freed young ladies. Most he married off to former priests, some went back to their families. But the one left began the first and most powerful dynamic duo for the gospel in the modern era. Martin Luther had met his young Catarina. He was 40, she 24. This was the first time in 500 years that anyone had seen a married pastor. Both hated: she divorced Christ to marry one who had divorced the church. 

Today we talk about the first Dynamic Duo of Christianity. Their names are mentioned 6x in 4 books of NT. His name means “eagle, her’s “old fashioned.” 

AP Journeys

Rome to Corinth: stay 2 years 

Corinth to Ephesus: stay 4 years

Return to Rome

800 miles Rome to Corinth, Italy to Greece, 2 languages & cultures

2100 miles Corinth to Ephesus (by way of Syria)—otherwise just 400 miles, Europe to Asia, 2 continents 

1200 miles Ephesus to Rome 

3 continents / 3 big cities / 4000 miles / across 5 seas & oceans / 4 very distinct land masses / multiple languages & cultures / enormous cost & effort to themselves (as family) / self-funded / with family? in 6 years 

Paul travels 50 miles from Athens to Corinth, while A 800 miles Rome to Corinth — for this divine appointment 

Curious: both Paul and Aquila BORN in Asia Minor (modern day west turkey). Tarsus—Paul. Pontus-Aquila. Homies! Ironies: both Jews, now Christians, travelers, teachers, workers in gospel, tent makers, evangelistic, leavers of rural hometowns to become cosmopolitan, manly masculine men. 

From Rome where there was a tent makers association. Then to Corinth due to expulsion because Jews. Met Paul. Later moved to Ephesus few years later, where confronted Apollos. Hosted Paul in home. They then move back to Rome. Prob killed by Nero after great fire in Rome in 64ad. 

Jesus said, id “seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things [food, clothing and drink] shall be added to you” (Matt. 6:33). The Apostle Paul describes Aquila and Priscilla as “fellow workers in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 16:3). We have seen that this couple was missions minded, they opened their home so that the believers could gather to remember the Lord, pray, and have fellowship as they were instructed in the Word of God (cf. Acts 2:42). They also were engaged in “secular” employment so that they were not a financial burden on the churches. Yet God blessed them with a very successful business so they could show hospitality to the saints by inviting the church in their home. 

There is no secular-sacred divide. Somebody has to pay for religious things. God can use every part of your work & home & family for His care of others. Your work is personal (Apollos) and corporate (fellow workers who risked lives for gospel) in 3 cities. 

Aquila and Priscilla were a married couple who owned and operated a tentmaking business. All six New Testament references to Aquila and Priscilla mention them together. 

They were known for their hospitality, hostin

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WHEN to Lie to Mom

Liar liar pants on fire, when is it right to lie to your mother. Or other care receiver? 

We Lie all time:

Like fletcher Reed in hilarious Jim Carrey movie liar liar. What would happen if we had to tell truth in every situation for 24 hrs!!! 

We lie so often we call them white lies. Pure lies. Harmless lies. Since 1500s—pure lies oxymoron. 

Dont lie, when phone rings, “tell them im not here.” 

You look great in that outfit

Don’t tell your mother! 

Kids: I promise, we won’t…

I swear to God…

On my mother’s life 

Cross my heart, hope to die…stick a needle in my eye! 

No, granny, we love your meatloaf; its just that we ate before we got here.

Im on my way.

Well be there in 10 minutes

Your kids not fat, just big boned.

Im eating for 2.

Laughing at joke that wasn't really funny

Ill call you.

Were praying for ya’

I didn't get your text 

Everything coming out of wash dc! 

Joke: how do you know when a politician is lying—their lips are moving.  

Verses in Bible which make lying a sin:

Lying lips are an abomination to God 

God hates a lying tongue 

Satan is father of liars; he was liar from beginning

Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Your Neighbor

So when is right:

When safety dictates. “The doctor said..” 

When they cannot distinguish reality from fiction. When truth too much. It confuses. It’s too complex 

When you know their limits but they do not. It preserves their sanity. 

When it preserves your health and sanity 

Its my business, and no one else’s business

To protect someone else, their name, their face. Their good graces. 

Many things too trivial & unimportant to Go into, explain, defend, justify 

When challenges key belief stereotype bias she leans on. Even crazy things 

When she will forget

IF person emotionally fragile, near death, or would be confused by truth.

Where in situation unable to control  (were going to die in plane crash; “everything’s okay.” Or you have bad information

When cost of telling truth outweighs cost of lie (hiding a Jew example) 

Tips on How to Lie:

Speak truth in love 

Love covers multitude of sins

If can’t, say next best thing 

Never in anger 

Never to hurt 

Be positive 

Speak in active voice 

Goal: best quality of life possible w-I larger context of rights & interests of others

What say let be truth—even if incomplete 

If real serious involve someone else in discussion