Helping.Mom

Helping.Mom

By Terry, Army Vet & CaregiverEducationHow To
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Helping.Mom episodes

  • Caring while Waiting. Sunday Musings. Mark 13:32

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    It’s interesting that Jesus tells us to pray. To work, yes. But to pray, why? He equates working and praying as synonymous, with no distinction to be drawn between them.  Like 2 wings on same plane. Yet we tend to gravitate toward one extreme or other.

    12 min
  • Tabitha's Hands. What your Work says about You. Acts 9:39

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    This week I received a great compliment from a current customer, who said to me he hopes I keep doing what I am doing for others, so that when his kids get older I can help them too. This is nice to hear. 

    Tabitha was a caregiver through her acts of “good works” and Almsgiving. She was also a widow. What work(s) will survive your passing? What will you leave behind that others will be able to handle, and point to, as something unique that YOU contributed to this world? There is still time, if you havent thought this trough. Tabitha left behind works personal and real, which helped others and provided for herself, things others could put in their hand as proof of the meaning of her life.

    When I was in Army Basic Training a drill sergeant asked a private next to me, actually he yelled it at full-lung, "Private, HOW DO YOU JUSTIFY YOUR EXISTENCE?!?!?" Friends, how do you justify your's? What works will you be crowned for in glory? 

    Tabitha was rich in good works combining her head, heart and hands. 

    19 min
  • 7 Things YOU CAN DO great as Caregiver, with no Talent, Skill or Experience

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    7 Things you can do GREAT as caregiver that require NO talent,skill or experience. 


    1. Being present, I’m Here (posters of GIs on walls at Dachau)  
    2. Making Effort, doing something to help. The way people can do it for years is because it is so gradual. Same as serving a prison sentence. Or getting through school. 
    3. Having Positive Attitude, thinking on bright side. Focu on what I can do, not should have done. Not my failures but fact you are today. I get stuff from store. I emptied a closet. Paid all bills. 
    4. Learning from Mistakes, then not repeating. There IS a dumb question in life—in fact 3 of them: one you don’t res to ask because you can figure it out; the one you’ve asked already; asking your boss to repeat himself because you’re not listening.  
    5. Figuring things out, thinking way through 
    6. Anticipating next need, with preparation. Alabama: the next right thing. 
    7. Tough skin. Resolve. Stamina. Hatred of losing. Desire to win. Not be beaten. Faith. Hope. At some point they’re all the same. Having Strong Work Ethic, make it through day

    Please send your ideas to [email protected] 

    17 min
  • Heart-Tongue Corridor of Caregiver. Proverbs 10:21. Sunday Musings

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    Do you have Feeding lips or Bleeding lips?

    Heart-Tongue Corridor of the Caregiver Proverbs 10:21: "The lips of the righteous feed many."


    I am a hypocrite! I promise you--I violate every thing I am going to share with you today. But I am reminded, that tho we stumble, we do not fall.

    Today several Verses on the Heart-Tongue relationship of Caregiver, with very little explanation. To quote Aerosmith, I am going to “Let the music do the talking,” or, here, the Bible.

    Of all people in world, the caregiver has the most right to be cynical, snappy, crabby and angry. Churlish Caregivers you could call us all for all of us have complained, griped, hated it, kicked against it like Paul did pricks. We are all grumbly bears.

    Reasons are many: On avg we donate for free 26 hrs/week; we pay out of pocket $8K/yr. 25% of us also take care of our own kids at same time. We feel bad ourselves. We did not plan for this, or prepare for it. We are not ready, qualified or motivated. No one is helping us. This decision may have cost us our family, our career, our happiness and our peace of mind. We are at our worse, taking care of someone at their worse who does not appreciate us or want us. No one in our society places much value on families to care for elders. Our kids never see us, or, like 10% of all teens in our country, they caregive with us.

    I read story this week of family who planned funeral of their old mother, and noticed few came to her wake or funeral. Then as soon as the graveside service was over, they drove to their mother’s house to find it completely ransacked by siblings and family members who had not gone to her funeral. Quate: “While all will fight for grandma’s money, no one will fight to take care of her.” 

    It all seems negative and only getting worse.

    But the Bible can help. Remember the purpose of the word is to correct and instruct in right uses.

    Out of heart mouth speaks (Jer 17:9), AND brain thinks! The heart has 40,000 neurons and sends more messages to brain than brain sends to heart. From heart comes emotion, awareness, response, maybe even reason.

    Bible declares the heart is  spiritually deceitfully wicked, and past finding out (Jer 17:9). Out of it flows 7 evils, says Jesus (Mt 15:19). And, “out of it the mouth speaks” (Matt 12:34). James says the tongue is a rudder which tho small controls the huge ship of our whole life and destiny (James 3:4). You’ve never gotten in trouble by things you didn’t say!!! It is set on fire from hell (James 3:6). We praise God and curse man with it (James 3:9). What is down in the well, comes up in the bucket. Particularly when no one is looking, and when money or stress of falling is at hand.

    To make matters totally worse, we will give an account for every idle word that proceeds out of our heart-mouth (Mt 12:36). If we will be judged by every silly word we have said, or words unnecessary, imagine what we face for everything hateful we absolutely meant to say!
     
    Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8), and; a soft answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1). I proved this verse this past SAT when I took mom out to eat breakfast. Her first word, in parking lot, before getting out of vehicle, “And, he brings me HERE.” Paul says, as much as lies within you, live in peace with all men (Romans 12:18). He continues (Eph 4:29), let that which comes from your mouth be good, edifying, and minister grace to the hearer.

    BLUF:
    1) The quickest way to restore relationship, and redeem your reputation, is “I’m sorry.”
    2) The lips of the righteous feed (Pro 10:21).
    3) The words of the righteous build the other person by speaking grace into their lives (Eph 4:29). We speak life, says TobyMac.
    4) “Speak the truth in love”

    18 min
  • Building the Mindset of a Caregiver. Thanks to Ron, Dave, Frank. Jude 20. Sunday Musings

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    Building the Mindset of a Caregiver (Jude 20-21)

    Begin with stories of Dave, Ron & Frank

    Building mindset of caregiver requires 4 things: building, praying, keeping & looking, i.e., Effort, Prayer, Resolve, Anticipation

    Jude:Half-brother of Jesus 

    Not disciple during lifetime of Jesus 

    Like brother James, not entrusted with mother’s care at cross 

    Like James, now believer, extremely practical on what is-is not saving faith

    Jude 20-21 (KJV): ”But ye, beloved, BUILDING up yourselves on your most holy faith, 

    PRAYING in the Holy Ghost, 

    KEEP yourselves in the love of God, 

    LOOKING for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life” 


    Building--effort

    Work out your salvation with fear and trembling

    For this is the will of Christ concerning you

    Be holy, as I am holy

    As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of word that you may grow thereby

    Strive for the masteries

    Go into world and make disciples

    Study to show thyself approved--a workman who needs not be ashamed

    Steward over all, Owner of nothing

    Let your light so shine

    Pick up cross, daily, Follow me

    Run, and not grow weary

    Run race, Fight fight, Endure hardship as soldier

    Quit ye like men


    Praying--prayer

    Jesus describes Him as the Comforter, who will guide us in peace & truth

    Pray without ceasing

    State of continual awareness

    “He walks with me and talks with me along life’s narrow way,” 

    “Yah”--inhale, “Way”--exhale, Like breathing 

    Lord’s Prayer is sandwich--Father, in heaven, Hallowed / Thine be glory, power, forever


    Keep--resolve 

    All parts of Christianity are our’s as part of relationship

    Fatherhood of God #1 trait to me 

    Psalm 1:1-3 (KJV): “Blessed is man that walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and in his law does he mediate day and night. He will be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in season. His leave will not wither, and whatever he does will prosper.”

    We dont keep ourself in God’s love, We keep ourselves inside his protective, enjoyable care Luke 15 younger son rebels--leaving father’s protection, provision, teachings, guidance, enjoyment

    “Ungodly,” worst sin in Bible--to live as he He doesnt

    We keep through love (by this shall all know you are my disciples--by your love for another)

    Jude / James--we cannot separate Doxos from Praxis 


    Look--anticipation

    He who has eyes, let him see. 

    Our eyes by far the most important of 5 senses

    If eye cause you to sin, pluck it out. 

    What you look at, you pursue 

    Let us then consider here the object 

    The salient characteristic of Christianity is not power, truth, glory, dominion--it is mercy. 

    Mercy vs Grace (not giving us what do deserve, vs giving us what we dont deserve).

    Flawed question: why do bad things happen to good people….

    My chains fell off, my heart was free, I rose henceforth to follow Thee

    Great is Thy Faithfulness--morning by morning His mercies are new

    Look unto Jesus--author and finisher of our faith (like writer of book, to director of final movie)

    We wa

    16 min
  • When Dad Dies. 10-step Plan

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    What to do when mom dies. 

    10-point outline. 
    Each bullet point is a podcast. 

    1 Communicate out. Task helper 
    2 Plan short term where bury, type casket, funeral home, speaker, meal, flowers, media outlet / social media 
    3 Secure pets, mail, trash, fridge, utilities 
    4 Get death certificate x 25 cert copies. Digitize it. Email/save to yourself. 
    5 Get cash soon. Long process. 
    6 Find Will, Open Estate. Collect debts & identify assets. 
    7 Cancel monthly charges drains on bank accounts & credit cards 
    8 Box up/throw out/distribute assets
    9 Convert—mail, bills, bank accounts, IRAs 
    10 6-months from now — Grieve. Move, date, what next God’s Will?

    Send input, ideas, prayer requests to [email protected]  


    17 min
  • ”Father Abraham” as Caregiver. Romans 4:20-21. Sunday Musings

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    Abraham, Adam, Jesus & You as caregiver

    Abraham as caregiver. Romans 4:21. Persuaded, he performed. He stepped—& bred! 

    Jesus: Go & make disciples. 

    Adam: Go and tend garden. Go and name animals. 

    Moses: Go and tell Pharaoh. 

    David: Go and take food to your brothers. Persuaded by the promise (god with him), he performed. 3 Ps: persuaded, promise. Perform. Fully persuaded in what god promised, he performed. He stepped—and bred! 

    What faith requires of us—go into world, produce there. Go to person, do something to help. High agency. High confidence. High vision. High heart. High hope. High learning. 

    Abraham about 100 when STARTED. Prob cared for @ 50 people including Dad, wife & nephew Lot. Go 400 miles from Ur, Sumer, to promised land, from Turkey to Israel, through desert, disease, drought, famine & bandits. With no idea where going or what next. 

    Just as Adam did, and Christ commands. 

    STORY is told of young couple who wanted to get married, but had no idea where to move or what work to do. They heard of elderly family member who took ill on farm in a rural state. They moved there to love and take care of him, and in process absolutely fell in love with Farm lifestyle, the relationship, the work. They’ve been able to do the ways in which have been so productive and happy at the same time – – while caring for someone else in true legitimate need. They were not passive and indifferent, selfish, full of fears and anxieties, playing video games in moms' basement. Not full of excuses or fatalism, not weak and insecure. They were a strong young couple trusting each other and serving someone else, and being productive. They perfectly encapsulate the faith of Abraham. They stepped & did.   

    Nowhere does Jesus say hide. Stop. Take up space. Fear. Tremble. Sit. Soak. Sour.  In some sense caregiving may make you feel like you’re leaving world and stepping out of existence, that you’re no longer relevant, or are invisible. On other hand CG is moving you into world much deeper — world of emotion mind experience of reason of logic of angst of the spirit you see the life is precious, and that is awful, that we are all in a state of decay, that no one will get out of here alive. You see what it means to give and receive you see the consequences in care receivers of the life that the previously lived so happy full of joy, solitude, and great stories others are bitter and mean and nasty and awful. You see that all things ultimate or spiritual things. But out of the heart, the mouth speaks. You see the wages of sin is death. You see that the way of the transgressor is hard. You see the brokenness of man and family, destruction, and personal meanness and agreed for money. All  fight for grandma‘s money, no one fights to take care of her. 

    You learn more about human nature caring for someone else in 30 days than you did the prior 30 years of your life. 

    Everywhere Go & Do. 

    Be Productive. 

    Productivity is Beautiful. 

    Like my farm at patriotpups.org

    16 min
  • Cost of Being ”right” as Caregiver

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    Intro: Tragic true story of noncommunicative octogenarian man thought for years to be incontinent--who wasnt

    To be right is to be alone, and sometimes to be very, very wrong. 


    4 Things we must be right about in CG:
    Safety & Security of CR
    Cash Flow (nonpaid bills are lurking snakes)--IU Health as example
    Medical State as of right now: appts, meds, conditions, supplies, RX, TX, DX, 
    What is next…what if…

    But what does it mean “right?” One Beautiful Bill, Grand Scheme, Elegant Solution, Kick closest snake, pragmatism, utilitarianism, ethically right, morally right, legally right, range of options, Look to median & mean, Venn Diagram. Is 80% solution enough. Close enough for govt work? What is the STD, who defines?  

    Do we find right by Logic, Hunch, Counsel, Advice, Skill, Training, Intuition, Zodiac? 

    Right for who? CR, CG, Stakeholders, Fam, Med Provider?


    At West Point--choose the hard right over easy wrong. But most times we are not morally wrong. 

    In seeking right, there are traps to avoid, per Dr. Caroline Leaf

    1-Sometimes our need to be right is fear dressed as logic. Truth is--we dont know. But we are expected to, so we feel pressure to stab at being right. Hwer is where we need to be aware of biases--confirmation, achor, social conformity, halo effect 

    2-When we prove a point, we build distance not connections. There are only so many times you can be “right” with CR and not lose completely your relationship w her

    3-If you always have to win, you’re not communicating, you’re keeping score. Zero Sum Game.
     
    4-Needing to be right makes it real hard to learn what’s actually true.
     
    5-Most pain is caused by people who are right, who know truth, but communicate it as weapon--either as knife or mallet 

    6-If the conversation is about control, nobody’s listening. Break and regroup later. 


    17 min

About Helping.Mom

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Army Vet returns home to care for aging mom. Creates podcast Helping.Mom to help caregivers care for aging parents.