Welcome back for another episode of Here’s a Guy. We regret to inform you that this week is one of those nasty episodes. Even worse, it’s a good episode, so it’s not even one you can skip and feel ok about it, you kinda have to listen if you’re a true HaG-head. I feel obligated to let you know in advance and to prepare you as best as possible. Towards that end, I am not going to list off what I think are some of the most inherently nasty words. Here’s one: “gunk.” It so perfectly paints a picture of what it is. Another one is “smear.” There can be smears of something nice, but when you hear the word that isn’t what you think. I think of the time I thought my cat kicked some litter out of his box onto the floor and I went to sweep it up only to discover there was a soft turd in there. Some solid smearing action there. A word popularly thought of as nasty is “moist.” That one doesn’t bother me too much, because it makes me think of a piece of rich chocolate cake, or perhaps a well-made brownie. On the other hand, “discharge” makes me want to gag. Actually, now that I mention it, “gag” is pretty nasty in and of itself. One last one: “spew.” Ok, I think that sets the stage well enough. You are ready.

We start off with a jumbo opening segment with a lot to talk about, including updates on three (!!!) former Guys, a preview of our upcoming Patreon project, and a special edition of “Am I Stupid?” We follow that up with a double pack of Guys, featuring a New Zealand woman’s inappropriate act of protest and the gruesome demise of a legendary train conductor.

Josie Butler - 00:50:39
Casey Jones - 01:13:10

GOOD MORNING you fucking bozo! Time to awaken youself from your SLUMBER and CRAWL out of your fucking bed to face this BEAUTIFUL fucking day! Guess what, there’s a NEW HERE’S A GUY right here ready for your fucking earholes! Time to get your SHIT pulled together and face whatever the FUCK life wants to throw at you all with a killer new EPISODE pumped straight into your BRAIN cavity! (A guy on twitch was watching this idiotic Tik Tok account where some AI of an old guy does what are supposed to be motivational speeches but really he’s just yelling at you intensely the whole time. I thought it was putrid but people seem to like it so we’re trying out something similar to get people fired up about Here’s a Guy. That’s why this one is like this, sorry.) You fucking listen to the SHIT out of that episode! STUFF those air pods into your ears and learn about some fucking GUYS! YEAH!

The three motherfucking MUCHACHOS hosting this show (sorry, hard to turn it off) start things off with some in memoriums, then we have our annual MLB Draft All-Name Team. Finally, we discuss an old Scottish lady with a strange ailment, a Jeopardy contestant who fared quite poorly, and a lady who got too drunk and said something wildly illegal on live television.

Jo Cameron - 00:51:26
Patrick Pearce - 01:16:30
Belinda Thorpe - 01:36:01

The World Cup is on, and it's a time for the international community to come together. At Here's a Guy, we strive to contribute to this spirit of unity. With that in mind we will be using this space to establish dialogue with our brothers and sisters across the world. In light of their win yesterday, we will begin with the French. Below, please find a message of unity in your native tongue:

C'est quoi ce bordel que tu viens de dire sur moi, espèce de petite merde ? Sache que je suis sorti major de ma promo chez les Navy SEALs, que j'ai participé à de nombreux raids secrets contre Al-Qaïda et que je compte plus de 300 éliminations confirmées. Je suis entraîné à la guérilla et je suis le meilleur sniper de toutes les forces armées américaines. Tu n'es rien d'autre pour moi qu'une cible de plus. Je vais t'anéantir avec une précision jamais vue sur cette Terre, retiens bien ce que je te dis. Tu crois que tu peux t'en tirer après m'avoir sorti des conneries pareilles sur Internet ? Détrompe-toi, connard. En ce moment même, je contacte mon réseau secret d'espions à travers les États-Unis et ton adresse IP est en train d'être tracée ; alors prépare-toi à la tempête, vermine. La tempête qui va balayer cette petite vie pathétique que tu mènes. T'es un homme mort, gamin. Je peux être n'importe où, n'importe quand, et je peux te tuer de plus de sept cents manières différentes, rien qu'à mains nues. Non seulement je suis expert en combat au corps à corps, mais j'ai aussi accès à tout l'arsenal du Corps des Marines des États-Unis et je l'utiliserai sans retenue pour effacer ton cul minable de la surface du continent, espèce de petite merde. Si seulement tu avais su quelle terrible vengeance ton petit commentaire malin allait déclencher contre toi, tu aurais peut-être tenu ta putain de langue. Mais tu ne l'as pas fait, et maintenant tu en payes le prix, espèce d'abruti fini. Je vais te chier de la fureur dessus et tu vas te noyer dedans. T'es un homme mort, gamin. Sincerely, Here's a Guy.

This week the full cast of hosts is back. We start by discussing summertime woes, poorly attended concerts, Fruit Stripe gum, and tank convoys. Then for our 3-pack of Guys, we have a contestant in a sadistic game show, a news anchor involved in several stupid controversies, and a legendary stunt from an unknown hacker.

Lebo Babe - 00:33:40
Melissa Mallet - 01:09:18
Max Headroom Incident - 01:33:45

Sometimes you don't get it all right the first time. Sometimes you can only really know what the right thing to do or say is until a little bit of time has passed and you have a little more time to process everything. As great as a perfect gut reaction is, realistically, your brain is only working on limited information and hindered ability to contemplate. Just for example, sometimes you whiff a comeback to an insult and think of a better response later on. Sometimes you're playing a game and make the wrong maneuver that wouldn't have been your decision if you'd had more time to think it over. Or, who knows, just hypothetically, sometimes a podcast will have an episode naming convention of finding a remark said during the episode that sounds funny out of context, and when trying to decide the next episode name during post-production, thinks of a riff that would have been perfect at a particular part of the episode but nobody actually thought to say. And sometimes, when that happens, the person writing this will just say to hell with it and pick that hypothetical riff for the episode title anyway and absolutely dares anyone say anything to him about it. I'll take you down, you understand me? Just mind your business and enjoy the free podcast, geez.

Alright, two man show this week with JackJohn off doing something else. We start with a very pleasant tier list featuring the best times of day during particular seasons. For our two pack of guys, we have a highly entertaining secret military unit and a hefty goalkeeper whose career ended with an unusual scandal.

Ghost Army of WWII- 34:53

Wayne Shaw- 49:44

This past week sports enthusiasts across the globe have been treated to one of the greatest tournaments in existence- the World Cup. Can you imagine a cup that big? You could drink hella beer out of that! The main reason that joke doesn't work is that you don't typically drink beer out of a "cup." Unless, of course, we're classifying "glasses" under the umbrella of "cups." I actually don't know where I stand on that. Is any sort of drinking vessel a cup? What about a chalice? That seems like its own thing. You don't typically drink beer out of a chalice either, although that seems like a really annoying bit that a reddit guy could try out if he wanted. When I think cup I usually think water or maybe milk, but those would make the joke sound wonky. People would think someone from Utah wrote it, if you catch my drift. I suppose the lesson is just not to try. It's an unwinnable joke proposition.

As for the show, we have returned from our brief summer hiatus. After a roundup of everything they've been up to for the last couple weeks, the hosts discuss an unethical soccer goalie, a badass with a bagpipe, and a legendary Old West scumbag.

Roberto Rojas - 00:44:57
Jack Churchill - 01:08:52
Ferd Patterson - 01:23:54

At Here's a Guy, we strive to make our content as accessible as possible. Thus far, we've received no complaints to the contrary, which means that we've either succeeded in this mission, our have failed so miserably that nobody is even capable of noticing. Who's to say, really. Either way, we feel like we can't be complacent. We want to make sure we're accessible even to languages that haven't been created yet. With that in mind, we offer the following message in a thus-far undiscovered tongue:  Florp magorp. Unga nua twizz. Goop bujeer, enoo enoo guffa gurbalis. Noof nynam, katta watta leegoo, noof nynam. Furk.

This week we have a rare daytime recording, and the energy is off the charts (don't ask which charts). We discuss a NASA employee who did something really stupid to impress a chick, another nefarious graverobber, and a dedicated educationalist with an unfortunate legacy.

Thad Roberts - 00:23:17
Rufus Cantrell - 00:53:28
Siegfried Englemann - 01:11:15

I’m not sure how good the quality of this episode description is going to be. I fucked up and now my tummy hurts. It doesn’t help that I had too many sweets today. There was a training thing at work that had donuts AND candy. I can’t just let that go. Or maybe it was the box lunch. It was a grilled chicken club sandwich, which seems pretty safe in theory, but catering pre-packaged sandwich meals can be diarrhea city in certain situations. Who knows what the underpinning was, but the final straw was that I just ate too much popcorn. Yes, with the olive oil drizzle, as discussed back in some other episode description. I also ate it too quickly- one of those things where it gave me hiccups afterward. I pigged out so bad it fucked up my diaphragm somehow. One of those things that seems indecent even entirely within the privacy of your own home. I should eat every evening treat like an ortolan bunting, where I have to cover my head with a cloth to hide my shame from God. Well, God isn’t real. But my wife might see. And that’s even worse.

The guys return this week with plenty to say. They start with a discussion of the zoo, their favorite bands, and whether it’s good for your podcast to be kinda bad, plus they read some listener emails. For our patented Guys segment, we have a man at the center of an impressive bar fight, a prankster behind a famous mythological being, and a hostage situation with a hilarious conclusion.

Hampton West - 00:39:58
Ray Wallace - 01:05:28
Amos Atkinson - 01:35:20

As of this morning, it's officially May. That means a lot of things "may" happen. You "may" be pleasantly surprised to get your little update that there's a new Here's a Guy. You "may" immediately rush over to the Spotify app and listen. You "may" be delighted at the fun stories and clever riffs. You "may" also be thinking that it seems like the show is running out of steam here in 2026. Well, you "may" be an asshole who needs to mind your own business. You "may" get visited by a friend of ours we like to call The Goon. You "may" get learned a lesson by the aforementioned Goon. But we "may" still need your listenership, so you "may" need to forgive us and let bygones be bygones.

With Guest Madness finally concluded, it's the 3 usual hosts this week. They start off by discussing traffic tickets, sovereign citizens, Record Store Day, and the UFL. Then, for the famous Guys segment, they have a nepo baby who went berserk on a plane and a particularly gross petty criminal.

Heather Cho - 00:54:30
Deepak, The Potty Badmash - 01:41:32

Alright, I'm going to need to speed through this episode description. There's a storm roaring its way towards me outside and I'm starting to hear sirens. I'm not sure what's about to happen because I'm so laser-focused on churning out this description, and if I don't get it done in time, the hosts will punish me with "The Device" again. Hey, what did I just see go by the window? Was that a potting shed? Alright, I need to lock in.

This week is the conclusion of Guest Madness, and we go out with a bang. Joining us after an astonishing 3-year hiatus is our good friend and diabolical former DM, Pookie. We talk about what we've been up to for the last 3 years, and of course, D&D. Then we discuss a soldier who refused to give up the fight despite having every reason to, and an adventure writer with a mixed legacy who got himself into some very weird situations.

Alright, I got it. Now just to close this thing out, because I think I just saw a cow go by my window. Maybe it's just herding season- wait, I'm in the middle of the city, there aren't any AAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhh

Hiroo Onoda- 45:40

William Seabrook- 1:13:39

March Madness has now come to a close. We now enter what’s called April Insanity. That’s followed by May Mania, then, much less fun, June Dementia, and its aftermath, July Derangement. And don’t get me started on August Psychosis, let alone September Frenzy. October Hysteria is always a little harrowing. So is November Lunacy. December Delirium might be the worst of all. Sometimes January Hypomania makes it look practically quaint. February is completely normal.

Well, although March Madness is over, Guest Madness has returned from its brief intermission. This week, we have our good friend Mitch the Peach, back after only a 6 month hiatus since his last appearance. First, we run down the completely insane slate of news in the couple weeks we’ve been gone. Then, we discuss a hobo with a crazy string of luck, the zaniest gang brawl of all time, and an incredibly irresponsible funeral parlor.

Robert Evans - 00:52:56
Toronto Circus Riot - 01:12:10
Alexander Pinon - 01:34:59