Here's A Guy

You are safe from Guys

You are safe from Guys here

Citizens of the world despair

Hold that thought helplessly, for he is here

Guys bestowed upon those deserving

Topics are chosen

Now, that reference really only works if you are familiar with the iconic deathcore band The Acacia Strain's most recent album, 2025's You Are Safe from God Here. And some of you probably aren't. It's a niche genre after all. In that case, enjoy being a philistine, I suppose. I'll keep enjoying the dark themes and sick breakdowns. Did we drink a bunch of beers while recording this episode? Well, that's certainly possible, what gave it away? Talking about random nonsense as if someone else would find it interesting? You try vamping in a compelling way at 11:55 p.m., see if you like it.

What better way to cap off Mayhem Month though? For our October finale, we discuss our Halloween plans, Patrick Stewart, and the latest Colts misery. Then we have two Guys, featuring a highly controversial murder conviction and an insane suckup who ended up murdering the president.

Gary Leiterman - 00:42:10
Charles Guiteau - 01:13:44

In an effort to keep the lights on around here, we’ve finally partnered up with a sponsor. Unfortunately none of the major brands knew who we were, and asking them to check us out made it even worse. We finally found a snack willing to partner with us- that’s right, that old standby, oyster crackers! You out there, do you like the taste of flour and light salt? Do you like soup but wish it was crunchy? Do you enjoy a product with just enough flavor to be considered a food but not enough to distract you from the tasty meal you’re trying to enjoy? Do you need a snack you can grab a handful of when you wander into the kitchen stoned but already ate a bunch and don’t want to eat yourself sick? Do you like the taste of saltines but think they’re missing two extra sides? Then oyster crackers are for you! Find them at your local grocery store, and don’t worry if all they have is generic brand, because it literally makes no difference! Oyster crackers are proud to partner with Here’s a Guy- because if you’re listening to this show, we already know you like bland crackers! (Ok we did NOT approve that last one.)

Just Alex and JackJohn this week, but Mayhem Month continues on nevertheless. We start with an eloquent listener email detailing JackJohn’s recent fantasy football humiliation. Then for our two Guys, we have a failed football player who fell in with a very bad crowd and a woman in a one-sided feud with an elephant.

Robert Rozier - 00:30:36
Maya Murmu - 01:07:29

October is known for lots of things, but one of its most prominent icons is the humble pumpkin. Whom among us doesn't enjoy when the temperature gets a little crisp and you see those little round orange guys sitting in everyone's porches? Did you know, though, that there are well over 100 varieties of pumpkin in the world? These includes the diminutive white "Cotton Candy," the pinkish "Porcelain Doll," the greenish "Jarrahdale," and the strangely bumpy "Marina di Chioggia." Isn't that neat? I got that info from The Pioneer Woman's website. Man, she's an unsettling person, isn't she? She gives off vibes that she has killed and will kill again. Be honest, would you be at all surprised if it turned out she had human remains buried in her yard or she kept slaves at her estate or something like that? Of course you wouldn't. There, I've done it. I took a perfectly pleasant paragraph about pumpkins and ruined it by talking about The Pioneer Woman committing human rights atrocities.

Perhaps it's actually apt, because Mayhem Month is in full swing! We open with some serendipitous circumstances that actually lead us to share some bonus content about the time a punk band destroyed the set of SNL. Then we discuss a pair of situations that went from nasty to nastier, the mystery of what happened to a bunch of German hicks, and a haunted house that led to a memorable legal opinion.

Jonathan Jose Ruiz - 00:44:41
Hinterkaifeck Farm Murders - 01:05:47
Jeffrey Stambovsky - 01:23:27

Bleh! It’s me, Dracula, here to introduce you to the best month of the year on the Here’s a Guy podcast- it’s Mayhem Month! Bleh! Why do I say that all the time? Sorry, I mean “Vy” do I say that all the time? I understand the “w” to “v” thing- it’s a byproduct of a very niche European accent. No idea if it’s accurate- hell, it may even be offensive to someone- but I get it, conceptually. No idea vat the “bleh” thing is about though. Do people in watever region Transylvania is supposed to be go around saying “bleh” all the time? Do they have some sort of gastrointestinal situation going on? Your mouth should not taste that bad. I actually don’t remember what this bit was originally going to be. Sorry, “vat” this bit was originally supposed to be.

The fellas kick off their October merriment with a recap of other recent merriment. Then it’s two harrowing stories to kick off Mayhem Month, featuring the nastiest family on the frontier and an inventive but unpleasant kidnapping plot.

The Bender Family - 00:34:04
Barbara Mackie - 01:12:05

The world froze. A hush fell over the masses. Simultaneously, the population all looked to the same signal, sent out far and wide across all corners of the earth. Eyes averted from their ordinary day-to-day concerns and pointed in one direction- their respective phones. Something had happened. They had been notified of something monumental. A small circular symbol with three little lines in it or something. This could only mean one thing. Alas, after their long, seemingly endless wait, the Spotify app had delivered the tremendous news- there was a new episode of Here's a Guy. The masses rejoiced. Life was worth living again. If for only one brief moment, all of the world's problems melted away and were replaced by a chorus of widespread joy the likes of which had not been seen since two weeks ago when the last episode came out. Such a remarkable day will not soon be forgotten and will surely serve out its own distinctive place in history as a peak of human achievement.

Well anyway, here's the episode. First, a tribute to two prominent scene musicians leads the guys to discuss their favorite songs from a couple long-time favorite bands. Then, it's two Guys, featuring a stuffy British politician who did something surprising in the House of Commons and a former prison inmate who became a model of reform.

Neil Parish - 00:42:10
Eddie Bunker - 01:12:13

[This description has been removed by the Podcast Purity Coalition for being so unbelievably filthy and disrespectful that we feel it would shock the general listening public. The creators have been advised to adhere to our required standards of wholesomeness going forward.]

But anyway, enough about my weekend trip to the pumpkin patch. We start by discussing some sports-related woes and read some listener engagement. Then we have a twin pack of Guys, featuring a dickhead golfer with a unique drug addiction and a legendary football player's even more legendary blunder.

Eben Byers - 00:30:38
Jim Marshall - 00:55:30

[THIS IS A PUBLIC NOTICE TO ALL PODCAST LISTENERS. LAST WEEK THIS DESCRIPTION WAS WRITTEN BY AN INDIVIDUAL WHO IDENTIFIED THEMSELVES AS "THAG" AND PURPORTED TO BE A CAVEMAN UNFROZEN FROM HIS LONG SLUMBER IN A BLOCK OF ICE. BE AWARE THAT THIS INDIVIDUAL IS NOT NAMED THAG NOR IS HE AN UNFROZEN CAVEMAN, THAT'S SOMETHING FROM AN OLD SNL SKETCH. HIS REAL NAME IS GREG SIMMONS AND HE IS A FUGITIVE FROM THE LAW. MR. SIMMONS IS WANTED FOR THE AGGRAVATED ASSAULT OF A DOCTOR AND INDECENT EXPOSURE TO A NURSE AT THE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL WHERE HE WAS BEING HELD. LAW ENFORCEMENT IS SEEKING ANY ADDITIONAL INFORMATION. BE ADVISED THAT MR. SIMMONS WILL PRETEND TO BE A PROBATIONER WORKING FOR A TEMP AGENCY IN ORDER TO COMMIT ACTS OF ODD MISCHIEF TOWARDS RANDOM LOWBIE PODCASTS. DO NOT ENGAGE AND DO NOT APPROACH. YOU MAY LISTEN TO THE PODCAST EPISODES IN QUESTION HOWEVER, BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOTHING TO ACTUALLY DO WITH MR. SIMMONS AND ARE ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD WHEN YOU GIVE THEM A CHANCE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.]

This week we lead off by discussing several notable deaths and read 3 (three) listener emails. Then we discuss a football player who lied to give himself another crack at the big time, a massive fight among allies due to racial tensions, and the surprising defendant placed on trial for witchcraft in 1474.

Ron Weaver - 00:38:02
Battle of Bamber Bridge - 01:13:22
Basel, Switzerland Witchcraft Trial of 1474 - 01:38:37

Is me doing this right? Me not sure. Ok. Me name Thag. Me what they call caveman. Me no understand what they mean when they call caveman because everyone live in caves when I from. Me accidentally get frozen in big block ice while taking shit on glacier. Me wake up million years later when small ugly men in white clothes take blow torch to ice block. They say I miracle of science. Me freak out adjusting to fluorescent light. Me throttle blow torch man. Me throw him against wall really hard. Then me see lady and take penis out. Me get in trouble. Me go see man in black cloak. Black cloak man say I technically human mean I have to follow laws. Me say law no exist when I from so I not know what law is. Judge no give shit. Tell me I on probation and have to get job. Me no understand what job is. Me work for something call temp agency. Me do random boring shit every day. Today me told write description for podcast episode. Me not make enough money to make worth it. Me wish white clothes men let me rest in first place. But me told watch attitude or else I fired and go meet Bubba in jail.

In this episode Here a Guy we have big opening segment. Hosts draft favorite movie score and soundtrack. Then discuss three Guys. First discuss Yu-gi-oh card dork who had funny match. Second discuss man escape prison over and over. Third discuss football referee make big mistake. Me not get most references on show but told it not bad.

Soundtrack Draft - 00:11:26
Matthew Thombstone - 01:09:27
Michel Vaujour - 01:33:02
Terry McAulay - 02:02:05

Welcome back for another episode of Here’s a Guy. We regret to inform you that this week is one of those nasty episodes. Even worse, it’s a good episode, so it’s not even one you can skip and feel ok about it, you kinda have to listen if you’re a true HaG-head. I feel obligated to let you know in advance and to prepare you as best as possible. Towards that end, I am not going to list off what I think are some of the most inherently nasty words. Here’s one: “gunk.” It so perfectly paints a picture of what it is. Another one is “smear.” There can be smears of something nice, but when you hear the word that isn’t what you think. I think of the time I thought my cat kicked some litter out of his box onto the floor and I went to sweep it up only to discover there was a soft turd in there. Some solid smearing action there. A word popularly thought of as nasty is “moist.” That one doesn’t bother me too much, because it makes me think of a piece of rich chocolate cake, or perhaps a well-made brownie. On the other hand, “discharge” makes me want to gag. Actually, now that I mention it, “gag” is pretty nasty in and of itself. One last one: “spew.” Ok, I think that sets the stage well enough. You are ready.

We start off with a jumbo opening segment with a lot to talk about, including updates on three (!!!) former Guys, a preview of our upcoming Patreon project, and a special edition of “Am I Stupid?” We follow that up with a double pack of Guys, featuring a New Zealand woman’s inappropriate act of protest and the gruesome demise of a legendary train conductor.

Josie Butler - 00:50:39
Casey Jones - 01:13:10

GOOD MORNING you fucking bozo! Time to awaken youself from your SLUMBER and CRAWL out of your fucking bed to face this BEAUTIFUL fucking day! Guess what, there’s a NEW HERE’S A GUY right here ready for your fucking earholes! Time to get your SHIT pulled together and face whatever the FUCK life wants to throw at you all with a killer new EPISODE pumped straight into your BRAIN cavity! (A guy on twitch was watching this idiotic Tik Tok account where some AI of an old guy does what are supposed to be motivational speeches but really he’s just yelling at you intensely the whole time. I thought it was putrid but people seem to like it so we’re trying out something similar to get people fired up about Here’s a Guy. That’s why this one is like this, sorry.) You fucking listen to the SHIT out of that episode! STUFF those air pods into your ears and learn about some fucking GUYS! YEAH!

The three motherfucking MUCHACHOS hosting this show (sorry, hard to turn it off) start things off with some in memoriums, then we have our annual MLB Draft All-Name Team. Finally, we discuss an old Scottish lady with a strange ailment, a Jeopardy contestant who fared quite poorly, and a lady who got too drunk and said something wildly illegal on live television.

Jo Cameron - 00:51:26
Patrick Pearce - 01:16:30
Belinda Thorpe - 01:36:01