Here's A Guy

We're officially in that real gross. slimy part of the year. Well, actually, I take that back. August is the slimy part of the year. This time of year is gross for other reasons. In particular, it's because tons of people get sick. Lots of sick people right now. And folks? I don't think that's very "sick." See, I used both the literal and colloquial meanings of a term, because that sort of linguistic interplay is often amusing. Wait, "linguistics?" Is that the study of linguine? If so, sign me up for class and give me a bowl!! You know what, I pushed my luck with that. It's too busy. And it doesn't even really connect to what I was saying before, even if the joke was good on the merits. The only good news is that I did manage to run the clock out on this bit. Now, time for the next paragraph.

We're back, and we have some big announcements to make. Next month will feature a run of episodes with special guests, most of whom we're very excited about. For this week, we start off by drafting our favorite live albums. We also discuss what we would do if JackJohn died. Then, it's 3 tales of Guys, featuring a guy with some weird ideas that people are a little too accepting of, an old man who committed an incredibly 1990s type of crime, and an everyman who became a veritable magnet for discrimination.

Live Album Draft - 00:14:55
Frank Chu - 00:57:08
Ben Perri - 01:24:45
Sauntore Thomas - 01:46:43

zzzzzzz honk shoo zzzzzzz

zzzzzzz honk shoo zzzzzzz

zzzzzzz honk shoo zzzzzzz

zzzzzzz honk shoo zzzzzzz

hm? What are you doing here? I'm trying to sleep. Waking people up is rude. That is, unless there's a fire, or a tornado, or a burglar. Well, unless you're the burglar yourself. That's categorically rude, heads up notwithstanding. Wait a second, maybe you're not waking me up at all, maybe this is my dream. In that case, welcome. Thankfully, you caught me in a nice dream. Not one of those stress dreams, like where my cat runs away, or when I'm stuck on a bus with a district judge with a tornado approaching. It's a nice dream, where there's a brand new episode of Here's a Guy. That's a pleasant dream, like when your pet is flexing its feet and you can tell it's chasing rabbits.

In this dream, the hosts start off with a riveting game of celebrity dead or alive. Then, it's 3 more Guys, featuring the strange experiment of turning a track star into a baseball player, a troubled merchant with some strange ideas, and a woman with some unique ideas involving asparagus.

Herb Washington - 00:47:19
James Tilly Matthews - 01:27:00
Jemima Packington - 01:58:57

I'm really tired from a grueling evening in the podcasting mines. Instead of writing a pithy episode description, I'll outsource it out to someone else. Thankfully, my wife agreed to help. Her recommendation for an episode description goes as follows:

"Slay queen! Diva the house boots."

So there you go. Do I know what that means? Absolutely not. Do I know if it's even ok for me to say? Not particularly. In fact, I suspect it probably isn't. All I know is that my wife spends a lot of time on TikTok, so I assume it has to do with that. If you got a problem with that, you can email her with your complaints. Unfortunately, her email is also [email protected].

With JackJohn off on some godforsaken mission, the remaining two of us vamp about a number of topics, including geography, Kurt Vonnegut, reading graphic novels while stoned, and Muppets. For our Guys, we discuss an artist who did everything as obnoxiously as possible and the strange mystery of a housewife who went completely off the rails:

Tehching Hsieh- 35:01

Lori Erica Ruff- 1:02:05

I don't have a lot to say this week. In lieu of a rambling episode description, I'd like to debut the new lovable mascot for Here's a Guy. He's cute, he's cuddly, and there's nothing off-putting about him whatsoever. He'll be an instant mega hit with children, and parents will be buying heaps of the merchandise before you know it. Ok, here he is:

⊂_ヽ

　 ＼＼ Λ＿Λ

　　 ＼(　ˇωˇ)

　　  /　⌒

　　/  へ＼

　 / 　/　＼＼

   ﾚ　ノ　　 ヽ_つ

　 /　/ THE GUUUUYS

　(　(ヽ

　|　|、 \

　| 丿 ＼

　| |　　) / 

ノ )　　Lﾉ

Hm. Ok, I think maybe we didn't iron out quite all the details with him before we rolled him out. We'll get him back into the workshop, and in the meantime, please don't call the cops on us.

It's a jumbo episode this week, leading off with an extended discussion about Vicks Vapo-Rub and another round of alignment charts for previous topics. This one has some of the true legends of the show, so you won't want to miss it. Then, it's 3 tales of Guys, featuring a self-proclaimed witch who failed to read the room, a kooky inventor’s vendetta against the car industry, and a cruise ship captain who did a very poor job managing a crisis.

Alignment Chart Eps 11-20 - 00:12:54
Ender Darling - 01:08:44
Robert Kearns - 01:44:52
Francesco Schettino - 02:20:41

Newspaper comics are going to be a focal point of this here episode. Not to sound like an old man making complaints on behalf of past old men, but the funnies are an experience that's been a bit lost to the sands of time. At one point, the entire nation woke up and not only read a newspaper, but chuckled along at the comics page. Can you imagine? For one, can you imagine everyone reading newspapers every day? Hell, can you imagine everyone being interested in learning anything? Actually, can you imagine everyone taking the time to do something enriching with their morning rather than housing a coffee and wolf down some lousy food while you marinate in dread? Were things actually always like, or were people back in the 80s eating one of those giant feasts from the "balanced breakfast" photos? It's hard to say. Well, I guess we all have bigger problems right now.

One of everyone's favorites- a three man/two topic episode. We attempt to atone by catching up on listener emails then building a tier list of all the most famous newspaper funnies. Somehow, this takes well over an hour. Then, for our two Guys, we have an ancient mathematician with a bunch of weird ideas about jacking off and beans, and a man who figured out an inventive way to get out from under his mortgage payments.

Comic Funnies Tier List - 00:19:59
Pythagoras - 01:34:49
Dunstan Low - 01:54:44

The calendar has at long last rolled over. We go from 2025 to...let me just check here...2026. During this time of year, everyone likes to take the opportunity to reflect back on the previous year to assess what we learned. For some, the answer is absolutely nothing, why even kid yourself. On the other hand, those people typically aren't introspective enough to do that type of reflection. Hell, those people may not even know what introspection is. Well, we here at the Here's a Guy episode descriptions prefer to be the former type of person instead of the latter. What did we learn in the episode descriptions? Well, we learned that complaints about the weather get a bit stale so we have to try something different. We learned that song parodies can kill some time, especially around the holidays. We learned that an AI parody can be funny but you probably don't want to push your luck since a lot of people actually do that nonsense. We learned that the old lore about someone being chained up and forced to write this has gotten a bit murky. Finally, this isn't entirely a new lesson, but we once again re-learned that you can pretty much say whatever here, because literally no one has ever said anything to us about it. For example: bumblescuzzballs. See? Nobody is even going to ask us what that means.

Two man episode this week with Alex and JackJohn emerging from their holiday slumbers. They start by reflecting on their own personal Ws and Ls from 2025, as well as nominating their best and worst people of the year. For our two Guys, we have a woman who went on a terrible hike and the rise and fall of a guy who loves doing weird stunts in extreme cold.

"Poo Hole Janet" - 00:44:15
Wim Hof - 01:08:10

Our infamous, legendary takedown of the 2013 film Now You See Me. We get very mad for over 3 hours straight. Usually hosted exclusively on our Patreon, but for a limited time only, enjoy it here for free on our main feed. Get yourself all caught up before our review of the 2nd movie drops.

For that review, plus this review most of the time other than right now for this shameless promotional tactic, plus a bunch of other ridiculous content, check us out at patreon.com/HeresAGuyPod

Jingle Bells

JackJohn Smells

Cody Laid an Egg

Steve Lightfoot's van

Broke down again

And Giuseppe got away

Thank god we only did two December episodes. I don't think I have any more Christmas song parodies left in me. In any event, we're coming up on the best couple weeks of the year- Christmas and week, and post-Christmas week. Christmas week there's all sorts of merriment and joy, then post-Christmas week is the one week of the year where it's socially acceptable to not give a shit about anything. Minimal effort, just play with your new toys and watch football. That's what dreams are made of. I suppose it would be bad for society if it was like that all year. For example, we wouldn't have any of the goods and services we currently enjoy. Instead of "goods," they'd be more like "bads!" See, any other time of year I'd be ashamed of such a lousy pun, but it's Christmas time, so who gives a shit. You really gonna get all uptight about a bad pun? On Christmas? What are you, the Grinch? You gonna judge me with your big fat green ass?

We've been off for a couple weeks, so we have a lot to cover. We start with a recap of Alex's trip to the emergency room, and the embarrassing health issue that prompted it. Then we run down all the insane stories from the world of football the last few weeks- there were a lot of them. Finally, we discuss the tragic story of a tennis official and an errant serve, a woman who loved vanishing for periods of time and not remembering what happened, and a medical student so unethical that it started a riot.

Dick Wertheim - 00:46:23
Hannah Upp - 01:11:14
John Hicks - 01:28:58

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling

Ring ting tingling too

Come on it’s lovely weather

For Here’s a Guy together with you

Outside the snow is falling

And friends are calling “yoo hoo”

Come on it’s lovely weather

For Here’s a Guy together with you

(DISCLAIMER: Here’s a Guy does not recommend listening to our show for a romantic date)

(DISCLAIMER 2: If you experience tingling while listening to Here’s a Guy please consult a doctor)

(DISCLAIMER 3: Here’s a Guy’s December episodes frequently feature mass casualty events and/or penile mutilation and are therefore not recommended for upbeat sleigh rides)

(DISCLAIMER 4: Please also consult a doctor if you hear your friends calling “yoo hoo,” as no one has called their friends like that since at least the 1960s)

(DISCLAIMER 5: Please do not force horses to listen to Here’s a Guy; they’re gentle creatures and very intelligent. It’s bad enough that you’re making them haul your ass around in the cold, they don’t need to listen to 3 morons make genital-related puns for hours on end)

It’s our first yuletide Here’s a Guy of 2025, and boy do we have a good one. We start off by recapping our Thanksgiving weekends, debating whether Christmas has better TV specials than Halloween, and making a huge announcement about our next Patreon review. We’re already dreading it! Then it’s 3 tales of Guys, featuring an especially wacky pet store owner, a man with a unique health problem involving his crotch, and a woman who went to jail for liking cheap foodstuffs too much.

Benjamin Siegel - 00:25:53
Malcolm Macdonald - 00:55:30
Ashley Gabrielle Huff - 01:20:43

The overarching theme of this episode is being a nuisance. Bothering others for your own amusement. Taking pride in annoying people. These are things that we at Here's a Guy know nothing about. Perhaps another way of summing it up would be "mischief." And that's different than "Miss Chief," who I guess right now would be Taylor Swift. That's the only Taylor Swift related riff I'll be writing, because otherwise I'm concerned someone from the internet will come to my house and kill me. This reminds me, a woman I woman I knew in college is now a severely obsessive online Taylor Swift fan, and the other day one of her bizarre tweets showed up in my Facebook algorithm slop because a bunch of people were dunking on it. That's one of those weird crossover moments where you just put your phone down for a little while and move on like you never saw it- because, like, what can you really do with that information? It's not worth engaging in and it's not actionable in any way. Just one of those things that happens.

In bigger news, this week we welcome our friend Mitch back to the show after 2 and a half freaking years! We discuss how things are going in Chicago, read a listener email, and give our thoughts on a judge getting in trouble for dressing like Elvis in court. Then, we discuss two legendary media pranksters and the series of turkeys terrorizing small towns in New England.

Alan Abel- 33:03

Jean Shepherd- 54:10

Kevin the Turkey- 1:10:47