Here's A Guy

Have you heard about this AI thing? It stands for “artificial intelligence.” Hey, my ex told me all my intelligence is artificial! For real though, AI is all the rage. Everywhere you look, everything is all AI this, AI that, AI, AI, AI. All I gotta say is, A, I could really use a cold beer! Well, that’s pretty much all I got. I was attempting a bit called “hack comedian attempts to riff on AI during an open mic,” but it really ran out of steam quickly. If it helps, imagine me wearing a teal tracksuit and the worst haircut you’ve ever seen. I also thought about doing a bit where I rattle of words that sound comforting for things that actually are comforting, but I couldn’t think of any other than “pillow” and “mumu.” Not every episode description can be a winner. Better luck next week I suppose.

We start things off this episode with an opening segment we’re really excited about- we fit past Guys of the show into a classic D&D alignment chart. This week it’s the Guys of Episodes 1-10, hopefully more to come later. Then it’s our patented (not really) Guys segment, featuring a guy who did something really dumb for a PSA campaign, a guy who built a really interesting bicycle, and the chronic liar who invented multiple scam industries.
Robert Craft - 01:19:52
Charles Steinlauf - 01:46:25
Napoleon Hill - 02:06:42

Ah, well, what do we talk about here. Griping about the weather is a good vamping topic, but we did that in the episode a bunch. We really try not to let the non-sequitur ramblings of the episode description overlap with the actual content of the show. We like to leave some things to surprise. For example, we also spend a bunch of time in this episode complaining about movies we don’t like. Unheard of! Maybe I can fill the space by complaining about a movie we didn’t get to. I don’t get into the Mission Impossible series the way other people do. Some of it is because I don’t like Tom Cruise. I know we’re supposed to separate the art from the artist, but he makes it really hard since his whole persona on-screen matches who he is off-screen. He practically oozes scientology out of his pores. I don’t get a lot of joy watching him go out there and do crazy stunts. There are plenty of brainless action flicks where I don’t have to look at his dumbass mug. He smiles like a villainous Hanna Barbera animal.

Speaking movies with an obnoxious amount of sequels, this week we open up with a segment where we decide which of the gazillion movie and TV reboots/sequels coming out this year are good, bad, and whatever ideas. Our perfect taste will tell you all you need to do this movie season. Then it’s three tales of Guys, featuring an unsuccessful Bigfoot hoaxer, a huge dope’s idea for a flying car, and a super weird guy with a band that did something incredible.

Randy Lee Tenley - 01:15:19
Henry Smolinski - 01:31:42
Clayton Counts - 01:56:22

Here’s a Guy is back in action, and it’s time to ROCK! I’ll be honest, I don’t actually know what that means. It may be one of those things that’s been lost to the sands of time. Maybe it made sense to ROCK in the 70s and 80s, but now that rock and roll music is not nearly the institution it was back then, the implied behavior is a lot less clear. It used to be sort of a catch-all to describe general debauchery- listening to loud music, indulging in some alcohol, making disrespectful remarks towards authority, etc. It was easier to conceptualize because you could just picture yourself doing the sorts of things KISS and Twisted Sister were doing in their music videos. Nowadays, rock stars are, like, Pop Evil and shit like that. What does that make “rocking” mean then? Wearing that one ugly ass brand of jeans with a v-neck that doesn’t quite fit and getting sloppy drunk at the fair? That’s certainly not what we’re trying to do here.

We’re back on our regular schedule, and we begin by explaining what the fuck’s been going on lately. Then it’s three stories of very obnoxious guys, featuring a daredevil whose stunt went way too far, a 19th century Congressman who was a huge dick, and a bored soldier who did something insanely irresponsible to a major city.

Trevor Jacob - 00:32:00
Daniel E Sickles - 01:00:37
Albert McFarland - 01:31:25

A little something different this week. With Alex (and his cat) both on the mend, Cody and Jack decided to bring you all a special treat that they've been warning- er, I mean, talking- about for a very long time. Live on Jack's twitch, they definitely ranked each of the unique cultural phenomena known as the "Punk Goes" series of albums. The Punk Goes series was sometimes good, sometimes terrible, but always relentlessly Myspace-y. In that way, it very much captured the spirit of Guyness, and is well within the crosshairs of this show. Spoiler alert- they have a LOT to say.

Audio of this special event is now presented here on Spotify. For the full video replay, check out patreon.com/heresaguypod.

Uh, well, we're not sure what to do here. We walked down the corridors to the Here's a Guy dungeons where we imprison the horrid creature we ask to write the episode descriptions. This time, though, we couldn't get him to wake up and ramble off some nonsensical paragraph for us. We poked him with our sharpest stick and he's just lying there. It looks like there's some spittle pooled up by his head. I don't understand- he'll do this for a day or two sometimes, but always reacts to our coaxing, even if we have to get a little aggressive. Should we have not been purposefully ignoring the dietary needs he's been trying to inform us of since 2021? I don't know, that sounds like a bunch of woke bullshit to me. I guess for this week we have to write this off as a "no comment." Meanwhile we'll look for a local doctor with expertise in whatever sort of nasty pig creature this thing is. We're taking the bill out of his weekly carrion allotment though.

Two man show this week- it was Cody's turn to have his city get hit by a tornado today! Alex and Jack discuss severe weather, hemorrhoids, Warped Tour, Avril Lavigne, odd local shows, and the extended Here's a Guy universe. Then it's two outrageous tales of Guys, featuring a racing prodigy who ruined his career with a photo op and an underground local band whose concert took a bizarre turn.

Ah, it’s Wednesday. A.k.a., the day after Tuesday. And some may say, it’s the day before Thursday. People call it the “hump day.” Why? That’s because Wednesday was invented by ancient mathematician Ahmed Kamel, who also invented the camel. Camels famously have humps. The characters of Joe Camel and the talking camel in that Geico commercial were directly inspired by Kamel, who has become associated with his namesake ungulate over time. However, this has become controversial, as the creators of these characters have been accused of whitewashing them. The creators have responded that actually the races of the anthropomorphic camels in question are never actually specified, which is a good point. That’s definitely true for the Geico commercial, although Joe Camel is supposed to be a greaser or something. Greasers are more stereotypically Italian-American, but then you risk stepping into the trap of making your own racist assumption to claim someone else is racist. Wait, what the hell am I talking about? This one really spiraled. I don’t even think any of that is real.

Speaking of deranged screeds, we have some truly incredible brains on this episode. We start by discussing the downfall of good content on ESPN, plus we acknowledge what the hell happened at the end of the episode last week. Then we discuss a psychologist with some odd ideas about a chimp, a politician who got caught in a rather baffling scandal, and a guy with a lonely guy who found an unusual romance.

Winthrop Kellogg - 00:41:34
Douglas Stringfellow - 01:1138
Akihiko Kondo - 01:39:43

Well, it’s our first episode back after our recent live episode. Hopefully we’re not too rusty. There does seem to be a bit of a “performance hangover” the next time you try to entertain after a big production. In this instance, I’m not really sure why, seeing as we had a two-week break and we only work kind of hard on the show to begin with. I’m tempted to blame it on aging, but maybe that’s just because that’s the big darkness currently looming over us. One of the big looming darknesses anyway, there are multiple (more on that in the opening segment). Aging does seem to revolve around developing different varieties of hangover though. For example, I had softball practice yesterday, and today it feels like my thighs have gone on strike against the rest of my body. I just walked up the stairs so rigidly that I looked like Torgo from Manos: The Hands of Fate. But that’s just the cost of living a full life; after all, we can’t just lie around and do nothing all the time. Or…can we? Hm. Much to think about.

A lot of news to discuss in the opening segment, from tornadoes to several celebrity deaths to a prominent Chiefs fan getting sentenced to several decades in prison. Following that, it’s three tales of Guys, featuring an old-timey situation involving a mouse that’s so ridiculous we question whether it really happened, an eccentric old coot with a good idea to help his local penguin population, and a beloved comedian with a shocking final act.

JackJohn Mystery Topic - 00:43:51
Allan "Swampy" Marsh - 01:13:08
Tommy Cooper - 01:34:57

Much to everyone's surprise/chagrin, we have lasted another 50 episodes. We celebrated this achievement, as is customary, with another edition of Here's a Guy Live over on Jack's twitch stream. If you didn't make it at the time, ask yourself, what the FUCK is wrong with you? Do you think you're better than us or something? Just kidding. We know some people are busy or don't know what a "twitch" is. Thank you to those of you who understand modern social media and also have nothing going on though, we appreciated the support. Thankfully, wherever you land, this episode will live on, here on Spotify, and over on our Patreon, where the far-more-gratifying accompanying video will drop later this week.

A whole lot happens in these three-ish hours. First, JackJohn's much-anticipated review of the frozen salmon wellington he found at Aldi. We then have another HaG Rumble, this time featuring the best of characters from the last 50 episodes. Next, Alex discusses a completely insane entrepreneur who started a Garfield-themed restaurant (there is an accompanying power point presentation showing you what this food really looked like, in case you weren't already motivated to sub to the Patreon). Finally, Jack and Cody wrap things up with discussions of an engineer who went to a terrible dinner party and a music producer who got wrapped up in some really insane activities.

HAG Rumble : 00:29:26
Nathen Mazri - 01:01:27
Benoit Savean - 02:11:04
Phil Kaufman - 02:28:04

It’s May! Will this be a good month for us? Well, it may! It may get a lot warmer! We may get some cool storms! Our younger relatives may graduate! Hell, it may be with honors! Our moms may have a lovely Mother’s Day! We may grill out and drink beers on Memorial Day! The NBA and NHL playoffs may be in the thick of it! We may plant out gardens! Pools may open! It may be the best month of the entire year! May- the month where great things just “may!” Did you like that? That’s my pitch for an ad campaign around the month of May. I’m hoping I can sell that to whoever owns that IP for some extra weed money. Wait, you’re telling you can’t have a trademark on a month of the calendar? You can’t profit off of the mere concept of time? I thought this was Trump’s America.

In any event, all 3 of us are back this week. We start off with a new segment entitled “JackJohn’s Cooking Corner” where we force JackJohn at gunpoint to explain what he’s been making in the kitchen lately. Then it’s three tales of Guys, featuring a total loser who pulled off a political assassination, a failed actor turned successful hoaxer, and a really old guy who met an unfortunate end trying to defend a lighthouse.

Otoya Yamaguchi - 00:34:05
George Jammal - 00:58:59
Henry Hall - 01:36:23

Howdy, partners! I don't understand where that saying came from- did cowboys view their peers all as equals or something? That doesn't seem like their thing. Goddammit, no, I have to get through this bit I was trying to do. Ok, here goes. Howdy, partners! This episode of Here's a Guy is a real hootenanny! So, rustle up your friends, grab your spurs, and- hold on, I gotta go back to this "howdy partner" thing. Is there a phrase that's seemingly more counter to the spirit of the person it's stereotypically associated with? Cowboys are supposed to be the rugged tough guys of the West, yet their greeting is not only genteel, but kinda jokey. Of course, that's assuming that was a real phenomenon and not just something invented for spaghetti westerns. I friend told me that a married guy slid into her DMs using the opening line "howdy partner." Setting aside the immorality of what he was attempting, what kind of goofy-ass affair are you trying to have here with an opener like that? Who are you, Spongebob? Well, I think we're past the point where I can return to the Old West bit. Maybe for the better, honestly.

Two-man pod this week, with JackJohn finding himself incapacitated. (Don't worry, we have the scoop on how!) We start by reading a listener email and discussing drunk guys in public, gimmick minor league baseball promotions, Tim Tebow, ghost hunters, and Weezer. Then for our two-pack of Guys, we have a wrongful murder conviction that incidentally caused another disaster and the least fun cult leader of all time.

John Holloway- 45:45

Father Divine- 1:17:56