Here's A Guy

Ah, baseball. An iconic sport full of iconic sights and sounds. The shine of the hardwood. The squeaking of sneakers. The gentle swish as a point guard drains a three. The smell of popcorn and hot dogs permeating through the stands (I think most sports actually serve the same general foods at the stadiums, so this one doesn’t really work). The athletes play 40-48 hard minutes, leaving their blood, sweat, and tears on the court. Only those who prevail earn the privilege of cutting down the nets. And that, folks? That’s what I like to call a real “touchdown.”

Baseball season doesn’t only mean all those things. It also means that we have our friend John Fleming on for his annual appearance. Such is customary, as is us having a great time. We start off by discussing some non-baseball matters, such as Arthur and 9/11. This dovetails into a discussion of players who aren’t as good as we remember and JackJohn giving us the abbreviated history of Nick Castellanos and his tragic soothsaying powers. Finally, we have 3 baseball Guys to discuss, including a rookie whose infamous mistake earned an inappropriate nickname, a minor leaguer who pulled a legendary prank in his final game, and a big fat drunk guy who lied all the time.

Nick Castellanos - 00:40:20
Fred Merkle - 00:53:50
Dave Bresnahan - 01:32:00
David Wells - 02:30:29

You know a nice thing about having a lowbie podcast? The stakes are so low. You can try out all sorts of different bits, some of which may be extremely time-consuming, and there is little risk of putting a dent in your audience. Hell, you don't really even know whether people enjoy the bit or not. Why do I bring this up now? Oh, who knows.

Apropos of nothing, with just Alex and JackJohn this week, we decided to bring you another Redneck Brawl Roundup. This time, we obtained the results (without having to actually watch it, mercifully) so Jack's predictions will be getting checked live and in real time. More fascinating characters have appeared for this edition, and if you want to see what they could possibly look like, check our Patreon soon. In the meantime, enjoy this and simply use your imagination- the more depraved, the better! Additionally, we have two Guys to discuss this week, including a man who suffered a tragic fate after an incredible amount of fair warning and a wrestler with a gimmick that aged poorly pretty much immediately.

Redneck Brawl 9 Review - 00:03:35
Walter Coty - 01:44:30
George Gray - 02:09:52

I’m feeling a little bit tired this week, and the creative juices aren’t really flowing. Instead of writing a long rambling episode description, I’m going to list off a bunch of funny names for species of birds instead:

Tufted titmouse

Blue-footed booby

Dickcissel

Woodcock

Little bustard

Horned screamer

Common shag

Bushtit

Hoary puffleg

Bubo bubo

Jackass penguin

There, I think that killed enough time. This week we start with a listener email and discussion of the recent Texas Cheer Competition Riot. Then, for our iconic Guys segment, we have the most Wisconsin industrial disaster of all time, a classic Wild West swindler, and an old-timey wrestler involved in a ton of shenanigans that changed the business.

Wisconsin Butter Flood - 00:27:39
Soapy Smith - 00:55:02
Ed "Strangler" Lewis - 01:19:20

Alright, recording ran a little late this week. As such, and also due to the fact that we’re geezers now, we’re a tad sleepy. Too sleepy to come up with a real meandering stream-of-consciousness episode description. Instead, we’ll be trying some methods of getting to sleep. You see, that’s one of the torturous aspects of being old, you feel tired all the time but still have trouble actually sleeping. I don’t know what causes that disconnect, or what that state is that exists somewhere in between. It’s like, brain, hello, you can fix your own problem here! In any event, the classic method is counting sheep. That’s one where I wonder how it originated. Why sheep? Is it because they’re white and soft and fluffy, thereby making them akin to a good pillow or bed sheets? For that matter, do sheep farmers, who must count their sheep on a regular basis as part of the normal operation of business, fall asleep on the job frequently? Or does the context of being part of business remove whatever quality makes it conducive to sleepiness in the first place? Perhaps someone should study that. Sleepology, that could be a thing. I imagine the early morning and mid-afternoon classes for that degree would be very challenging. Well, I think that just about takes up enough space to make it look right.

We’re back from a week off, and have plenty to discuss, starting with a terrible event JackJohn attended, and a special RIP to an Adult Swim icon. Then, for our three guys, we have a presidential cabinet officer with a poor sense of humor, a man who had a very bad time on a cruise, and a football executive who was rather bad at his job.

Earl Butz - 00:34:05
James Michael Grimes - 01:17:18
Matt Millen - 01:40:36

It’s late February, and love is in the air. It’s unusual that the supposed time of romance happens in February, the time of year where it’s the most dreary and miserable outside, not to mention, it’s just a stone’s throw away from the onset of spring, which is also treated as being a time of renewal, which the polite way of saying, it’s a-time for fuckin’. Now, that part is just a matter of vertebrate biology- animals often mate and have offspring in the spring months. My useless speculation is that they evolved this tendency because it maximizes the period of time for a juvenile animal to be in warm weather, since juvenile animals are more vulnerable to the cold, and because there are more plants abound to feed the food chain. Despite that established science, they stuck Valentine’s Day in February. Supposedly it’s related to some historic thingamajig, but who cares? Christ wasn’t even born on December 25th but they stuck Christmas there anyway because that’s when it made sense to do it. It doesn’t matter. I love when people say that Valentine’s Day and other holidays exist and are spread out just to sell candy and gifts. It’s like, yeah, no shit, why are you upset about that? Candy and gifts are great, and at the moment, the production and sale of goods drives the economy. Maybe someday after the revolution it’ll be different, but I don’t think that’s happening any time soon. Hell, I’ll just be eating my various Reese’s shapes over here.

A slightly better-adjusted episode this week, but of course, all things are relative. We start with a record (I think) 3 listener emails! Then it’s 3 more gripping stories, featuring a rather creative con man, a thief with an extremely poorly-thought out plan, and a goose with a love story that made him an inspiration for an entire country.

Alan Conway - 00:27:36
William Nesbit - 00:52:23
Thomas the Goose - 01:12:24

Look. You can’t always be proud of what you create. That’s a whole part of this “creator space” that irks me. Well, other than the concept of a “creator space” to begin with. Or really, the overuse of the term “space” in modern parlance altogether. I’m not sure where that came from, if it’s a therapy-speak thing or what- but I suspect it’s something like that where complaining about it makes me an asshole. Since the complaint is entirely petty, perhaps that’s not a bad thing, incentives-wise. My point is, not everything you create is a work of art and/or worthy of respect just because you put the effort in. I also drank a couple hazy IPAs with a bit higher than ABV I expected, so I’m meandering a bit. There’s that too. And on a weeknight, at that! Back to my original point: not every “creation” of the respective “creator” inherently deserves your respect- case in point, this podcast episode. Don’t get me wrong, the episode is really good. Maybe our best offering of the young year so far. That being said, if you find it a respectable piece of media, there is something wrong with you. Both of those things can be true. Every now and then, it’s good to hop on the mic and slip back into the state of being 13 years old again. Therein is where we get this episode.

It starts off normally enough, with discussions of the goddamn weather, JackJohn being sick, folksy idioms, and a viral story that may or may not be fake. But then, 3 completely batshit tales of Guys, featuring a woman whose LSD-fueled experiments with dolphins went a bit too far, a classic British writer with a very funny invention, and a guy with the worst first day at work of all time.

Margaret Howe Lovatt - 00:32:48
Sir John Harington - 01:12:07
Ben Sliney - 01:38:07

Despite all my rage, I am still just a Guy in a cage. One of our most tenuous ones yet. Also kinda stripping everything of interest out of the original line, which involves rats. A “rat in a cage” invokes a certain image of helplessness that a “guy in a cage” doesn’t really. Although, maybe it should. Mass incarceration is a significant issue, and drives a lot of other societal ills, with little pushback to the widespread dehumanization. On the other hand, boiling down the individuals caught up in this web of perpetual misery to “guys” would be perhaps reductive to the point of being offensive. And we’re too nice for something like that. Some have even called us “the internet’s nice boys.” It was probably meant to be demeaning though. Where am I? 

Another episode that ran a bit long- oops! The reason is that, after another listener email, we have our first ever “Cigarette Hour” wherein we smoke some figurative cigarettes to commemorate our many enemies being vanquished at the Super Bowl. No, YOU’RE pathetic! Then it’s 3 intriguing tales of Guys, featuring a legendary boxer with a confused legacy, a particularly unethical psychologist, and an 18th century Englishman with a homemade submarine.

Max Baer - 00:55:31
John B Watson - 01:25:42
John Day - 01:50:43

Folks, this episode, we’re a little bummed. Bummed about life, bummed about the world, bummed about it being winter, just bummed. I think some guys prefer being boobed! I don’t know if that really tracks. And honestly, it’s pretty inappropriate even if it does. Just a piss-poor effort all around. Where does the terminology of “bummed” come from? Does it derive from the derogatory term of “bum” for an unhoused person down on their luck? Because there’s nothing funny about that. On the other hand, I suppose it wasn’t really meant to be. If my head was completely empty and I had no regard for life or anything else, this is the kind of thing I may ask AI about. Thankfully, that isn’t what one of my problems is. I guess that’s one of life’s little consolation prizes- even on a bad self-esteem day, there are always some of those guys hanging around for you to take solace in not being.

Speaking of despicable people and situations, we have a blend of both this episode. First we discuss a woman who stood bravely in the face of life shitting on her repeatedly, a notorious dog handler/con artist, and a military general a little too brazen for his own good.

This episode is something a little bit closer to normal, unlike last week where we talked about a bunch of rednecks for like an hour straight. No, this week, it’s just the three usual rednecks hosting the show! Actually, it’s not really accurate to call them rednecks. That’s more of a set of cultural affectations that the hosts don’t display any of. It would be more accurate to describe them as hicks. After all, they’re all from rural middle America and are only moderately cultured. “Redneck” is something else though- more a descriptor of a set of behaviors and a particular sense of style. I wonder if there has ever been an anthropological study about what signifies a “redneck” or “hick” as opposed to any other rural person. Probably not, because I can’t imagine why any anthropologist would waste their time on something as pointless as that. I’m not saying anthropologists are the busiest people in the world- I mean, I never see them out and about studying things- but they probably have something useful to do. We’re not bumpkins, though. We’re not stupid enough to fit the mold of that particular term. We almost are, but not quite.

This week we read a listener email redemption and talk about the best Simpsons episodes. Then, it’s back to our customary 3-pack of Guys, featuring a priest with some unusual hobbies, a confectioner with questionable professional ethics, and a criminal who found a brazen way to get out of jail.

I’m getting to the age where I don’t understand new-fangled language. I keep hearing people talking about a “vibe.” I also hear people talking about an “aura.” They seem like very similar concepts. I don’t know if there is supposed to be a difference though. Is it that an aura kinda radiates, but that a vibe is something you just inherently pick up on? Hell, that actually makes a lot of sense. Maybe I actually do understand all this shit. Perhaps even better than the young people themselves. Is that it? Am I actually MORE cool than the kids? On the other hand, I made an Andy Griffith Show reference yesterday. That should be cool with the kids though, even though I know it isn’t. The advent of streaming means nobody gets cultured as a child anymore by their parents watching TV Land all the time. Which is a shame, because absorbing the character of Frank Burns on M*A*S*H is actually quite informative to understanding America today. By that I mean, a cabal of Frank Burnses are ruling over us right now. Alan Alda might have something insightful to say about that if he weren’t 88 years old and thereby well past the age of being capable of insight. Wait, where am I?

This week we do something unprecedented. Before you is the main audio-only episode, free of charge on Spotify, just like normal, albeit with only Alex and Jack this week. But as a special bonus treat (that you have to pay for) we will also be releasing the video version on Patreon! You may be asking yourself, why would anyone do that?

Well, the answer lies in our jumbo opening segment, in which Alex and Jack run down the full 27-fight card of a sketchy hillbilly amateur boxing event. The audio is good enough, but you need the video to really do it justice. Oh, and we also get the unintentionally-best-timed listener email of all time. Then we top things off with two tales of guys, featuring a mysterious figure involved in the world’s most tragic snowball fight and a wrestling promoter whose booking decision ended up being so offensive if cost him his job.