Here's A Guy

Webster's dictionary defines three as "a number that is one more than 2." Wikipedia further elaborates "3 (three) is a number, numeral and digit. It is the natural number following 2 and preceding 4, and is the smallest odd prime number and the only prime preceding a square number. It has religious and cultural significance in many societies." It goes on to say that "According to Pythagoras and the Pythagorean school, the number 3, which they called triad, is the only number to equal the sum of all the terms below it, and the only number whose sum with those below equals the product of them and itself." I don't know whether any of that is true or not. I'm no expert. I just prefer good old common sense. You know what 3 definitely is, though? The amount of Guys we have for you on this new episode.

We start things off this week with two different music-related discussion prompts that we really enjoyed blathering on about. Then it's 3 tales of Guys, as I just said above, if you were paying attention. First we discuss yet another ill-advised amateur aviation stunt, then we have the mysterious murder of a seemingly ordinary French woman on a train, and we finish things off with some more morons who messed with Wild Bill Hickok and paid the price.

Something I've always had trouble squaring away is the existence of pointless maladies compared to the existence of an omnipotent god. For example, right now, I have one of those sores on the side of my tongue. As far as I know, I did not do anything wrong that led to this, and it is unclear how I could have prevented it. Thereby, there is no lesson to be learned, and I cannot fathom how this is necessary to the proper function of the body. It's not even like the bumps on top of your tongue where at least you can understand it as punishment for eating too many sour gummy worms. But what could justify this? How is it possible that a merciful deity would allow a world where this is possible? The appendix is another example. You're fine without it, but you're forced to keep it in your body cavity until the time it explodes and almost kills you. Just a ticking time bomb with no useful purpose. I don't remember what I had intended this to segue to.

Two man pod this week, as JackJohn is dealing with some interesting maladies. We start by discussing gas station bananas (again), newsboy hats, our recent Patreon content, Green Day, and the death of a frozen custard icon. Then it's a wild two-pack of guys, featuring an Old West gambler who bit off more than he could chew and an icon of war propaganda with a crazy nickname everyone just ignored.

Davis Tutt- 38:15

Frank Laskier- 1:08:56

We're feeling a little sleepy tonight, gang. Not sure if we have the energy for a usual stream of consciousness rambling description. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that I just smoked some pot and ate a Twix bar. I'm an adult, I can do things like this when I want. Point is, my subconscious is tired. If that's even a thing that happens. I don't know to what extent your brain gets "tired." In some way, your brain creates your body's entire sense of "tired." But, I don't know if separate parts of your brain get more tired than others. At least not in the sense that you can have one muscle group feel tired and not another. Your brain is a muscle though. Right? I'm not 100% on that honestly. I know your tongue is a muscle, that's always been weird to me. You know, just having this muscle in your mouth, more or less exposed to the elements. How come no other muscle is like that? And why doesn't it bleed? It doesn't have skin. Or does it? I don't know, I'm not a doctor. I'm just a guy lying down on a couch with a tummy ache from eating a Twix bar. Hm, maybe my subconscious isn't as tired as I thought.

This week we start by previewing all the Patreon content we've been recording, and then we read listener emails from two rather interesting new friends of the show. After that it's a two pack of guys, featuring a town drunk who created quite a stir after his death and an ordinary gas station employee whose amazing name brought him into the public eye.

Peter Eberhart - 00:26:14
Dick Assman - 00:52:12

It’s that time of one of every four years that the entire world turns their attention to the Olympics. Except for Hollywood, they turn their attention to the Ozempic! Is that joke still topical enough to work? I really don’t know, I think Ozempic is still a thing in the zeitgeist but its moment of being talked about seemed to have passed. It actually seemed to have passed without everyone making up their mind what to do with it. That’s how fast the news cycle goes now, I suppose. The only thing I remember is that there was some country singer with a huge butt and then she took the pill or whatever and her butt got small and everyone got mad. I don’t know where the ruling came down on how that comports with body positivity. Hell, in my lifetime alone having a large butt has been considered both in and out of style. Maybe that just goes to show you how phony body standards are in the first place, and why taking them seriously is a waste of your short time on earth, I don’t know. Here’s a Guy: your podcast bastion of enlightenment, coming through once again.

We have returned from our two-week vacation with a real doozy of an episode. We start off with a jam-packed opening segment, wherein Cody and Alex review an Edgar Allan Poe-themed drinking event they went to, plus a round-table discussion on whether we give a shit about the Olympics. Then, a Venn Diagram of topics between women and Olympic athletes, featuring a trailblazing female athlete with one massive character flaw, the mystery of one of the youngest Olympians in history, and a woman who had a very bad experience at a Wendy’s.

Ah, it’s the Here’s a Guy gang, back once again with some good old fashioned family fun. [Disclaimer: please do not let children listen to Here’s a Guy]. That has to be one of the most nausea-inducing commonplace marketing terms in existence, “family friendly.” That’s code for “sucks.” It’s also disingenuous, because I remember watching plenty of annoying “family-friendly” content that my parents could not even pretend to enjoy. We watched “Slappy & the Stinkers” like 50 times. How many times could our parents have thought it was palatable? Maybe once? Hell, sometimes we didn’t enjoy the content either. Are you seriously going to sit there and tell me “Honey I Shrunk the Kids?” is good on the merits, and not just good in that you can get the entire family to sit in one place together for 90 minutes and eat some pretzel sticks and M&Ms or whatever the fuck? That one’s “family friendly” label is kind of a stretch, too. Being shrunk is like the most horrifying thing imaginable. Like a hundred things could kill you at any given moment. Your cat could mistake you for a bug and kill you. Way too scary for a young lad. Also, in my mind, that one is the exact same movie as “Flubber.” You can’t convince me otherwise.

This week we’re back with another full slate of Guys. Before them, we have this year’s MLB Draft All-Name Team, and we read a listener email. Then, we finally redeem our friend John’s well-earned listener topic, which happens to be an underrated baseball player with dual “cocaine” and “falling down all the time” problems. We also discuss a stories of two old friends with a very strange feud and how a prolific music producer caused a stir in the anime community.

I can make very few promises in this world, but I can promise you this: In this episode of Here's a Guy, we reference a LOT of cartoons. Now, I know what you're thinking. That's every episode of the show. And you're right, that is every episode of the show. But in this one, we top ourselves. It's like every minute. We'd say we're sorry but we're not- and more to the point, there's nothing to be sorry about. Rather than listing all the cartoons we reference, it may be easier list all the cartoons we DON'T reference. Alright, let's see. Caillou. Home Movies. Franklin. Street Sharks. Mike Tyson Mysteries. Huckleberry Hound. Mucha Lucha. Uhhh...I think that's it. Oh, Ugly Americans. I think that's the last one. Let us know if you think of any others, but I'm pretty sure that's all of them.

Three different guys from three very different but distinct cultures this week, all with a penchant for lawlessness. First we have a mysterious fur trapper who led the authorities on a legendary chase, then the most prolific moonshiner in all of Appalachia, and finally a super obnoxious French guy who made a life long frenemy.

Just when you thought we were out of new ideas, the brilliant minds at Here’s a Guy are back with a brand new theme episode- and it’s just what everyone has been waiting for. We’ve been discussing unheralded historical tales for 120 episodes, featuring heroic adventures and devious villains and frightening twists. What’s been missing? That’s right, horses. This show has featured a distinct lack of horse content. Well, this week, we fix that once and for all. It’s horse week on Here’s a Guy, featuring three horse topics and a ton of other horse-related riffing. Despite having no particular knowledge or background or expertise about horses, we spend 2ish hours discussing them as if we know what we’re talking about. Do we manage to find enough things to say to fill the time? Tune in to find out!

After an opening topic where we discuss all things horse, or at least, all things horse than we can think about off the top of our head. Then it’s 3 tales of horses from the past, featuring the harrowing story of a champion racehorse turned kidnapping victim, a horse with alleged psychic powers, and the real story behind the horse who could do math.

There comes a time in a man's life where he has to do the right thing. We must speak our minds in the interest of doing the morally just thing. Sure, it may be easier to stay quiet, but important things are never easy. It takes the courage and convictions of the bold to affect change in our world, and in a world in need of drastic, radical change, this is critical for the betterment of humanity. We serve a special obligation to our fellow people to ensure our world is one worth living in, and this cannot be accomplished by simply sitting back silently and allowing injustice to pass by our faces. We must stand, we must act, we must speak, and it must happen immediately. With that said, it's time that I stop sitting idly by and speak out about something extremely troubling before it goes on any longer- ketchup on hot dogs is perfectly fine.

With that out of the way, let's address this episode. Feeling a big bashful, the guys start things off by testing out a new icebreaker game. Then it's two tales of two very annoying guys named Robert, one who invented one of the most insidious conspiracy theories of our era for no apparent reason, the other who had a truly wild career as an aristocratic British politician.

Robert Faurisson- 31:07

Robert Harley, 1st Earl of Oxford- 59:12

It's so hot outside, we're practically melting. Kinda like that gal in the Wizard of Oz. What a strange movie. Talking animals and spellcasters and whatnot. I've never had a dream like that, not sure what Dorothy was smoking. I did once have a very vivid dream that a demon from Hell was throwing firebolts at me as I was trapped in a truck in the field by my house. It would have kicked ass if I could tell it was fake in the moment. Does anyone remember The Wizard of Id? A newspaper comic strip from the mid-20th century very much in the vain of B.C. or Hagar the Horrible. Back before Gary Larson came along and figured out that newspaper comics were actually allowed to be good. The "Cow Tools" strip was technically the same medium as Ziggy. Think about that. Just goes to show what you can do if you really set your mind to it.

This week it's just Cody and Alex. As always, we find out exactly why that is. Opening segment discussion topics include the heat, old men kicking rabbits, the issues with robbing gravestones, swimming, cat food, stuffed-crust pizza, and hush puppies. Then it's two tales of Guys, featuring a yokel with a ridiculous opinion who became an American icon and a stuffy 90s politician with an amusing skeleton in his closet:

Jim Edgerton- 26:42

Bob Barr- 53:00

Well, it's my favorite time of evening. Almost bedtime, I'm horizontal on the couch, I'm writing the episode description for Here's a Guy, and I'm eating some tortilla chips. That's right, out of the bag. Straight rawdogging it. Why did it develop that we eat potato chips plain but not tortilla chips? Even Fritos can be eaten plain, although it's not everyone's favorite. Tortilla chips haven't had the broad acceptance as a plain snack chip that the others have though. This isn't to say dipping them is bad though, that couldn't be further from the truth. Salsa is elite. So is queso. I'm not a big guac guy, but I definitely get it. Maybe that's the issue- tortilla chips are perfectly fine on their own, but why would you ever do that when they're so conducive to dipping in the world's finest dip types? These are the sorts of philosophical questions that underpin the human existence. But for me, it's just a salty treat. (Not sure how to wrap this bit up if you can't tell.)

This week we have one of our patented 3 host, 2 topic episodes. The people love them! I actually don't know, nobody has said either way. We compensate by starting with a jumbo opening segment, where we discuss old man conversations, kale, the best JackJohn segments, some insane people we found on twitter, and whether it's acceptable to laugh at Trump getting convicted (it is). Then we discuss a particularly ill-fated football expansion team and political crony who ran into misfortune and became a martyr for shitheads worldwide.

Las Vegas Posse- 0:38:24

V*nce Foster- 1:12:11