Here's A Guy

Welcome to what we consider to be an old school episode of Here's a Guy. Does that translate to the "fun-fun" aspect that we always promise up top? Probably. We hope so anyway. Nobody's taken us over to court yet over that. Another benefit of doing a show that makes no money or has any stakes, people have very little ammunition when they get mad at you. What are we supposed to do, we're just a silly little amateur show. How could we have known it's not cool to joke about the Boston Marathon bombing on the same day as another tragedy? We didn't go to some fancy podcasting school. By "old school" what we mean is that the episode is super long, all 3 topics are doozies, and the opening segment goes in a million directions. Just like the youthful old days of late 2021. Ah, what a time. It's not the full experience because the audio isn't dogshit. But nostalgia doesn't always mean something has to suck, just sometimes. Hence why vinyl records have caught on the way they have as a collector item but not, like, 8-track tapes. Nobody wants to listen to their favorite music and have it sound like it's being played inside a building you're standing outside of.

This week, after a jumbo opening segment, we have 3 pretty tremendous tales of guys, including an African-American bear hunter who changed the course of history, a German boy whose backstory is shrouded in myth, and an oafish federal agent who got in way over his head.

Holt Collier- 41:05

Kaspar Hauser- 1:12:45

Robert Lipka- 1:51:50

What is in a name? Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? Shakespeare wrote that. I'm not sure what he meant, because the answer is obviously yes. The scent of a rose, or any other flower, comes from its pollen. I think, anyway. I could be wrong about that. But in any event, the name has nothing to do with it. So, like, why is it even a question? Is that supposed to be the point? Why say anything then? Just because he wrote a lot of big words and everyone knows who he is doesn't mean he gets it all right. In any event, this episode is called Penis McGee. Will that make the show more funny? I don't know. I guess it doesn't hurt. We're willing to try things at this point.

One of the wildest episodes we've had in awhile. We start off by talking about how much we want to kill the AI bot who records our episodes for us, plus we read two listener emails. Then, for our classic Guys segment, we're discussing a trailblazing pro wrestler, a freak who unfortunately influenced the field of education, and a stray dog who became a war hero.

Bearcat Wright – 29:00

Rudolph Steiner – 59:32

Stubby – 01:33:11

This week, Here's a Guy is taking you on a wild safari. This means that you will be exploring the wonders of our natural world. It also means that there is a not-insignificant chance you will die in the process. Also, the whole thing will feel vaguely racist in a way you can't quite put your finger on. Was there ever any particular good reason why people on safaris wore those helmets and khaki vests? Surely that was never stylist. Functionally, it makes little sense. There are a number of terrible things that could happen to you on a safari, but as far as I know, a thin helmet won't stop any of them. As far as the vest goes, the number of pockets is ideal, but why khaki? That's so boring. Maybe forest green or a nice maroon. Idiots. I'll continue to enjoy the wonders of nature from the comfort and relative safety of my couch, thankyouverymuch.

As you could maybe tell, we have a theme episode this week. We've had sporadic animal topics here and there throughout the history of the show, but this week for the very first time it's "Here's a Critter:" 3 animal topics. First a brave and apparently indestructible messenger pigeon, then a baboon who served in the Army, and finally a historically ornery sperm whale.

Cher Ami- 32:20

Corporal Jackie- 53:20

Porphyrios- 1:13:15

The weather outside is frightful. However, it's not Christmas anymore, so there's not a fun twee little song to make ourselves feel better about it. Actually, now that I think about it, is Let It Snow specifically a Christmas song? I know that's how it's looked upon, but I mean lyrically. The song is just about being inside while there is significant winter weather happening. It's also kind of about the joys of boredom. And maybe implied to kinda be about fucking? Like the consensual version of Baby It's Cold Outside. You know what, I'm going on the record right now. Let It Snow kicks ass. And that's our Here's a Guy Declaration of the Week!

This week, at long last, for the first time in almost two months, we return to a normal episode with our full 3-man cast of hosts. We have a lot of business to cover in the opening, including college football, twitter censorship, Christian rock, white people singing at bars, Alex's eBay Garfield merch buying habits, and a truly insane story from JackJohn about a presentation he saw at a church. Then it's a classic 3-pack of guys, featuring a horse trainer who lived out his dream at a tremendous cost, a teenage intern who died from inappropriate birthday kisses, and a soccer player with a unique strategy for success.

Frank Hayes- 28:13

George Spencer Millet- 47:50

Carlos Kaiser- 1:06:20

It's 2024, and we at Here's a Guy are officially pledging to change absolutely nothing. That's right, 100+ episodes in, and we clearly have this whole podcasting thing figured out. The numbers may not reflect it, the reviews may not reflect it, but we know. A true artist always knows. We won't be changing the audio quality, we won't be changing the amount of preparation that goes into each episode, and we certainly won't be changing these meandering episode descriptions. You know how to tell when a bit is truly transcendent? When literally nobody has ever commented on it in any way or even really acknowledged its existence. Clearly this just means there's nothing left to say.

This week it's a two-man show once again, this time featuring the rare combo of Alex and Jack. They read a listener email and discuss their holidays, the dentist's office, feeding pills to cats, Harry Potter, and Spotify Wrapped. Oh, and Cody died. Then it's a rather fiery two-pack of guys, featuring a man who survived a historic disaster by way of getting arrested and a school principal who organized a very flawed attempt at breaking a world record.

Ludger Sylbaris- 23:47

Marshall Layton- 48:56

Do You Hear What I Hear? It's a Holly Jolly Christmas! Joy to the World! You know what, fuck this. I had this bit planned out where I was going to write a description in all Christmas song titles, then when I actually started it I realized how much effort it was going to be. I have so little energy anymore. Also I drank too much spiked eggnog so I'm getting sluggish. Spiked eggnog is great, but the problem is that by the time you've had enough to get yourself good and tipsy, you've essentially just chugged a bunch of eggs. But I won't let that stop me. Also a good excuse to use up the nutmeg that's been in your spice cabinet for 6 years.

This week, for our Christmas episode, we unfortunately have a theme episode. I don't mean that theme episodes in general are unfortunate; usually they're a load of fun. What I mean is that the theme itself is unfortunate. That's right, folks, as the title indicates, it's Priest Week on Here's a Guy. It's also a two-man episode, this time with Alex and Cody. They start by reading two listener emails (one of which was long overdue) and do a Christmas-themed opening segment where we give out candy and lumps of coal to the people and institutions we think respectively deserve them this year. Finally, it's two stories of, you guessed it, priests. The first had some controversial ideas about Jesus then encountered a shocking twist. The second reacted to a horrific fire in maybe the worst way possible.

Arius the Heretic- 46:00

Father Don Juan Ugarte- 1:08:04

It's episode 101. If we were a Myspace-era band instead of a podcast it would be Episode 1OH!1. In the parlance of Ireland, it's Episode 1 o'1. Is that uncool to say? I never know where we stand these days on the Irish and other niche types of white people. Look, I'll be honest, I wasn't involved in the making of this episode. I wasn't there when it was recorded and I haven't listened to even one second of it. Whatever happens here will be as much a surprise to me as to you. But I guess a nice thing about having so many episodes is that it makes the odds of reaching a new low less likely.

What I do know is this: in this episode, it's a two-man pod featuring Cody and JackJohn, and they discuss a swimming instructor who jumped off a bridge to prove an important point, plus two men on opposite sides of the hot button issue of going into the desert and shooting cactuses for no reason.

Last week the fellas hopped on a little ol' site called twitch dot tv and did something they'd never done before (except one time)- they did a live episode of the podcast called Here's a Guy. We could think of no better way than to commemorate our 100th episode. And what a celebration it was. If you were there live, that's great, but we wanted to give everyone a chance to re-live the magical moments. Video may eventually be on the Patreon, but the audio is here for you all to dive into, if you dare. Mwahaha! Sorry, I don't know what that was. We start off with some sappy sentimental reflections, then our grandest event ever, the inaugural Guy Royal Rumble, with some thrills and shocking appearances. Then, it's three titanic tales of Guys and Gals, featuring the internet's most infamous e-girl, a kooky masturbation-obsessed health nut who invented some well-known breakfast cereal, and a legend in the field of unique DWI cases.

Guy Royal Rumble- 24:41

Belle Dalphine- 1:08:13

John Harvey Kellogg- 1:49:04

Dennis LeRoy Anderson- 2:14:41

You and I in a little podcast

Buy tales of Guys with the money we've got

Set them free on Thursday at dawn

Til' one by one, they were gone

Back at base, bugs in the software

Float the message "There's Guys out there!"

Floating in the podcast sky

Ninety-nine episodes gone by.

Ninety-nine episodes

Floating in the podcast sky

One of them's called "Brown Alert"

It had host who was a guest

Your Spotify springs to life

If you're driving don't close your eyes

Also don't stare at the sky

When ninety-nine episodes go by

Remember that song? It pulled off a near impossible feat: a German talking about war and not talking completely menacing. Has never happened before or sense. Either way, this is the 99th episode of Here's a Guy. We start off with some announcements of our upcoming 100th episode festivities. We also discuss what we are- and aren't- thankful for this year. After that it's 3 tales of Guys, featuring a rather unusual Russian soldier, a dwarf whose life took a surprising turn, and a beloved hermit who took on the cruel legal system.

Momcilo Gavric- 25:17

Adam Rainer- 55:11

River Dave Lidstone- 1:12:46

October is over, meaning Mayhem Month has passed. All of the year's weirdness is behind us, everything is back to normal now. It's dark outside at 5 but it's 80 degrees. I'm sure it's all good going forward! The actual biggest change around here in October was that I bought my cat a new litter box. It was time anyway, but his strange habit of shitting up the sides of the box kinda forced by hand. The inside looked like a really gnarly Jackson Pollock painting. This one is the biggest size I could find and it's diamond-shaped to better fit him, because, as well-established, he's a big fat guy. Another bit of strangeness is that I just grabbed the box of Kellogg's "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" branded cereal to munch on a few handfuls while I did this, and despite it being a cereal with marshmallows, I barely got any when I reached in there. Some treachery is afoot in this place.

This week, it's a two man pod, with JackJohn on the mend for reasons laid out in the episode. We start with a Guy News Roundup, as there has been a lot of wild shit going on. Then, a zany two-pack of Guys, featuring a doctor's wild theory behind his huge collection of mysterious carved stones, and the truth behind a prolific Hollywood director with no public persona.

Dr. Javier Cabrera Darquea- 31:48

Alan Smithee- 1:06:00