Here's A Guy

Some days, we’re in pain. Physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain. Much like that Three Days Grace song, “Pain.” Except as a normal person in your 30s, your position on pain from a philosophical perspective is diametrically opposed to that of the freaky guy in that band. What was their deal? They were kind of a butt rock band, but they had a metally edge to them. Sort of like Buckcherry with an S&M vibe to them. Or like Papa Roach if he’d grown up listening to more Joy Division. There, I just referenced 4 random bands. What’s the quota for this? 5 maybe? Hoobastank. There’s another one. I like one because the name could also be a full sentence, one which would accurately describe the music the band put out.

This week we’re back to full strength, and it’s a whopper of a show. First the hosts take the “Cheer Alex Up Challenge,” during which they discuss running over chickens, the ethics of getting mad at people on mobility scooters who actively troll you, celebrities, The Masked Singer, and Super Bowl Commercials. Then it’s 3 tremendous tales of Guys, featuring the woman who was controversially executed for her role in the Lincoln assassination, a badass larger-than-life explorer who fought evil priests and Nazis, and a doctor who maneuvered his way into being a de facto king but loved it way too much for his own good.

Mary Surratt- 20:30

Peter Freuchen- 1:07:00

Johann Struensee- 1:39:45

This week marks a milestone for Here's a Guy. Or, more specifically, for our platform. Or, even more specifically, for the site we use to upload the show. See, what used to happen is that you uploaded the file and all the episode information to a site called anchor dot fm. Then, it got bought out by Spotify, and it became "Spotify for Podcasters." Functionally, that changed nothing of note. Then, this month, they made it so that you have to log in using your Spotify account rather than the old login for the site. What difference does that make? I can only assume, again, nothing, other than making it annoying for a very brief period of time as you try to remember a password you haven't had to use in forever. It does not look or work any differently. And the cool part is that that's basically what the economy is now. Just various websites and apps and social media platforms shifting around deck chairs to annoy you briefly and changing nothing of substance. Somehow, this makes money, I'm just not sure. Anyway, that's what this is now, and I just have to take it like the little piggy I am. Presumably nothing is going to be done about the genuinely dangerous conspiracy podcasts allowed to exist on this platform though. Hell world!

In stark contrast to that grouchiness, this episode was a lot of fun. It's a two man show this week with Alex and Jack, as Cody is out on "vacation." We'll get an update in the intro, plus discuss our favorite types of vacations and tell some more college stories. Then it's two tales of Guys, featuring a prolific counterfeiter who drew the ire of a famous scientist, and the Lincoln co-conspirator who was too chicken to hold up his end of the deal (although it may have been better if he had).

William Chaloner- 23:22

George Atzerodt- 51:40

I had a random state holiday off today. One of those holidays that honors a terrible person, but you get a day off work anyway, so who's gonna complain. I actually think that's more appropriate. If you were living a day named after a terrible person AND you had to go to work, that would just be insulting. Maybe that could be the compromise to get us to the 4-day work week that has been empirically proven to improve quality of life and we desperately need but won't get because our economy is run by complete bastards. If we just declare one government holiday every single week, then we end up in the same place, and we can name the day after whoever the bourgeoise pigdogs want. It can even be after them! Yes, it would suck to look at a calendar and see Elon Musk Day, but here's the thing: if you're not in your office, and instead you're at home getting stoned in your living room at 10am, why would you be looking at a calendar anyway? Anyway, point is, I walked around the zoo this morning and saw baby tigers. They were very cute. Now I'm home writing this description. And now we go to the next paragraph, where you can read about what happens in the episode.

We start things off this week by discussing our favorite board games and weird frat guys we knew. Then it's a full 3-pack of Guy tales, including a town with some impressively bad ideas, the sad downfall of the man sitting next to Lincoln when he was shot, and a revenge-obsessed Italian military officer who experienced a type of justice reminiscent of a previous topic.

Florence, Oregon- 26:56

Henry Rathbone- 50:05

Farinata degli Uberti- 1:27:18

As the title suggests, we have no title this week. This was a deliberate choice, and an act of protest until our demands are met. Given the news, I should point out that this act of protest is very different than those of various college students around the country right now. The key differences are that those protests are cool and commendable, whereas this is a lame bit for a podcast. We're protesting the despicable U.S. copyright system for allowing copyrights for beloved cartoon characters to expire. I don't want to log on to the internet and see heroes of this nation like Micky Mouse and Winnie the Pooh being drawn to suck each other off. It lacks moral fiber. I feel like that was in the news like 2 months ago and everyone has already moved on. Such is the nature of our digital world.

This week, we have a full crew of hosts but only two topics, as Cody was too busy in the broadcasting mines to write an outline. Thankfully, Alex and Jack bring you two tales of intriguing historical events, one shrouded in mystery, the other all too obvious. First we have arguably the worst of a team of shitheads who was so irresponsible that they cause a massive riverboat disaster, then we have a highly-debated topic of whether it's problematic to conclude that a bunch of ancient people ate each other.

Captain George A. Williams- 30:15

The Incident at Cowboy Wash- 1:16:04

It’s a beautiful chilly night. The house is quiet save for the pitter patter of rain hitting the windows. The sort of idyllic night they try to replicate on those YouTube live channels for you to fall asleep to. Those are some kind of racket, huh? Collect a little ad revenue from video startup, then it doesn’t matter that much what you put into the video because it either works right away or it doesn’t. The point is, it’s a lovely evening, and here I am, typing this, staring at the bright-ass screen of my laptop with the obnoxiously loud broken fan. Is this a metaphor for life? I don’t think so. I think it’s just something that’s happening. It does get the mind wondering though. Maybe I’ll have a handful of chips. That’ll stamp that shit out right quick.

This week we’re honored to be joined by our good friend John Fleming of STL Bullpen, joining us for his third appearance. You may also be able to guess what that means- it’s a baseball episode. We start things off with an impassioned promo from JackJohn about his love-hate relationship with the Miami Marlins. Then, it’s 3 Guys who were involved in the world of baseball in some way, featuring the weird religious zealot who started a famous pizza chain, the many wacky antics of the worst scab player of all time, and a dwarf hired for an iconic ballpark gimmick.

There comes a time in every podcaster's life where he must make some choices. The choice to thoroughly plan things out and put out an improved product that may gain some traction, or to continue on with the same level of quality and use that as a bit. Both have their merits. One is more noble, to be sure. But, more importantly, it's also a lot more work. It's not necessarily funnier either. The latter way is guaranteed for a laugh, just not for everyone. Some people are discerning with their podcast experience, which is odd to me. Lowbie content is a unique joy. It's like a show with some patina, if you will. What would you rather do, listen to a show where three random guys tell college stories and riff about old cartoons over stories about historical freaks, or one of those shows about serial killer where the hosts are soyfacing and doing TikTok voice the whole time? I know where I land. Let's not check out the difference in Patreon subscribers though.

This week it's a two pack of Guys (but with all three hosts...what???) both centered on the ever-joyful topic of homelessness. Despite the grim premise, it winds up being quite interesting. First we have a mentally ill man with a shocking tale of mistaken identity, then we have a guy whose heartwarming appearance with Miley Cyrus at an awards show landed him in jail.

Joshua Spriestersbach- 37:32

Jesse Helt- 1:00:30

This is Episode 111, which is kind of fun, because that's like a bunch of 1s in a row. Three of them to be precise. As far as I know, that's the first episode of Here's a Guy where it's 3 of the same numbers in a row. Monumental stuff. 111 also reminds me of that weird early 2000s indie rock band called !!! that pronounced it "chick-chick-chick." That was an obnoxious bit in a way so specific to that era. I used to see those bands get mentioned in Rolling Stone but never heard of them anywhere else. I would just read the College Radio and try to imagine what the bands sounded like without ever actually listening to them. I have no idea what !!! or Grizzly Bear or Deerhunter sounds like. I don't even know what Fleet Foxes sound like and they're famous I'm pretty sure. I'll pretend that actually makes me more cultured, in a way, when you really think about it.

This week we kick off with an update on March HaGness (voting ongoing on our Twitter!) and the ever-expanding world of weird sports betting scandals. Then it's 3 more guys, including an amateur rapper/shitposter with rhymes so edgy they ended up in front of the Supreme Court, a lonely man who invented a futuristic chess machine out of horniness, and a brilliant ne'er-do-well who orchestrated a massive prison uprising.

Anthony Douglas Elonis- 31:18

Wolfgang von Kempelen- 1:01:51

Jerry Myles- 1:30:44

Well, we're back. Back again. Like the Eminem song, you see. Just in a much more resigned presentation. That tracks, since we're three very tired amateur podcasters and he is a rather boisterous rapper. Is he really blonde? He looks like a guy who isn't actually blonde but that's how I've always pictured him. There was also a random Jackass skit where Bam Margera was blonde, then we just never saw it again. Something about that archetype of guy that enjoys dying their hair blonde to be edgy. Typically that doesn't make a lot of sense, being blonde is the furthest thing from rebellious, but I guess when your hair is naturally dark it's edgy to go the other direction with it? Like, is it ironic or is the premise there that simply the idea of reversing your hair color is the act of rebellion in and of itself? I'm not sure about all that. There was also one random bit where Steve-O had a perm that was never seen again. Presumably the copious amounts of cocaine had something to do with that.

This week we're back and at full strength for the first time in a few weeks. We get back in the swing of things with an extended discussion about times we fell down. Then it's 3 more wild and wacky Guys, featuring a French diplomat who was such an asshole it nearly sparked a war, a busty young woman's adventures in interrupting baseball games, and a composer whose love of music defined- and eventually cost him- his life.

Charles Maurice de Talleyrand- 35:19

Morganna Roberts- 1:04:20

Jean-Baptiste Lully- 1:31:00

Well, what can we say about this episode. Uh, there were two of us. It's the 109th episode, not counting bonuses. Then it would be more like the 113th I think? Not much of a distinction there. 109 and 113 are two numbers nobody cares about. When you ask somebody what their favorite numbers are, they never say 109 or 113. Why would they? They're not aesthetically pleasing and they have no significance. Are they prime numbers? Nobody even knows. Truly, it doesn't matter. They're doing their own thing. They can be NBA final scores, I guess that's the coolest thing about them. Did that kill enough time for the episode description? Are you all happy now? It's the best you're getting this week. Sue me.

Just Cody and Alex this week, and as always we find out exactly why. We begin with a Guy News Lightning Roundup, discussing the numerous Guy stories we got during the last week. Then it's a double-decker of Guys, featuring a journalist whose writing was so hackneyed it inspired a secret society and a pseudoscientist with really goofy ideas about water and vibes.

Do you ever have a day where it just seems like you malfunctioned from the get-go? You booted up incorrectly. That's an analogy, but I think it also works fairly well in the literal sense. I mean, our brain is a series of little electrical circuits, right? Isn't that kind of what the whole deal is? Encased in a wet blob of spongey meat, of course. Kind of like if you made a computer out of flan. See, this is what I'm talking about. That didn't make any goddamn sense. I'm talking about flan? I haven't even had flan in like a decade. I should, though. I enjoy a good caramel sauce. That's probably a better place to end this than whatever my original point was going to be.

It's not Mayhem Month, but incidentally a mayhem-filled episode nonetheless. Lots of carnage and existential dread, including a historical lecture and two separate trigger warnings. Yowza! We start off with another jumbo opening segment where we discuss Jack's son's birthday, pork tenderloin sandwiches, Sam's Club, and Cody's taste in musicals. Then it's three tales of Guys, featuring a runaway slave who became a martyr for American independence, a guy who did something really stupid while exploring a cave and paid the price, and an ordinary Florida slacker who got mixed up with the worst friend group of all time.

Crispus Attucks- 41:29

John Edward Jones- 1:07:17

Marty Puccio Jr.- 1:35:55