Here's A Guy

Eh, you know what, I'm pretty tired. Not sure if I have it in me to write a description. It's coming off the long holiday break, everyone is sluggish whaddaya gonna do. Plus, I just ate a tin of that beef jerky chew. I really don't know who that product is for. It's tasty, obviously, I mean it's made of beef jerky. But it's a subpar way to consume jerky, it doesn't seem to have the utility to help people quite tobacco addiction nor is it advertised that way, and chaw is very much out of fashion right now, so you don't look cool eating it. It's a strange phenomenon. But hell, I just ate a whole tin of it, so I guess I'm the mark. Send more my way, see if I give a fuck.

We're back off our holiday break, and we have a lot to catch up on. We discuss our favorite Christmas gifts, the winter storm and related mishaps, and read some listener feedback. Then it's 3 tales of Guys, featuring a math geek who got really into goth stuff, a convict with a tractor who went down in football lore, and a dog with a creative method of saving its owners.

It’s beginning to look a lot like another holly jolly episode of Here’s a Guy. O come o come all ye listeners, it’s time to deck the halls, jingle your bells, and rock around the Christmas tree, although not necessarily in that order. Whether it’s a white Christmas or a blue Christmas, this Christmas, and also last Christmas, have yourself a merry little Christmas with the Here’s a Guy fellas! O holy shit, what a fun one this is. It’s the most wonderful time of the year at Here’s a Guy, as Santa Claus and our three esteemed hosts are coming to town! If you have any little drummer boys in the car with you, just make sure they aren’t listening to anything being said! Frosty and snowman may be frosty, but these Guys are warm and inviting! That one felt like a stretch. I’m starting to lose steam a bit. Eh, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Don’t see much to do with that one that doesn’t make it sound like the hosts have a drinking problem. Maybe it’s time to move on.

All you want for Christmas is your two tales of guys, and you’re in luck! (snuck one more in there) This week we start off with a jumbo opening segment wherein we read a listener email, discuss Christmas songs and Alex’s recent trip to a trampoline park for children, and JackJohn addresses the allegations from last episode. Then it’s a two-pack of Guys, featuring an author who had an incredibly strange legacy and a super spooky ship.

Ladies and gentleman, in an attempt to class up this boorish podcast, I would like to present below a haiku about the title of this episode. Please enjoy, and hopefully you learn a little something from it:

His job is bacon

He’s salty and bad for you

Also, he’s tasty

Marvelous. However, we have a lot of work to do in order to culture ourselves after so many episodes. For that reason, I present below, yet another haiku about the title of this episode. If you would, please:

His job is bacon

Make him sizzly and crispy

Just do not burn him

Absolutely magnificent. We’re really making some progress. Since we’ve come so far, though, I suppose one more wouldn’t hurt. I present below, yet another haiku about the title of this episode. Hold your applause until the end, please:

His job is bacon

He’s le epic on reddit

Narwhals at midnight

That one felt like a bit of a step backwards. Still events out as a win though, I think. I hope that was as pleasurable of an experience for you all as it was for us. Back to the actual episode description.

We’re back after a short break, and we come in guns blazing. We start off by discussing trading cards, ADHD, Operation Desert Storm, buying presents for dads, footballs getting run over by cars, music from 2007, and one of the podcast hosts having a surprisingly close connection to now-infamous assassin Luigi Mangione. Also, we answer not one, but TWO listener emails! Then, it’s a stellar two-pack of guys, featuring a high profile turkey-related prank and an early American politician whose mouth kept getting him into trouble.

134 episodes of Here's a Guy on the wall. 134 episodes of Here's a Guy. Download one, have some fun fun, 133 episodes of Here's a Guy on the wall. Hm. I was hoping I'd get more out of that bit. Unless I just kept going. But then you kinda have to commit and go all the way to zero, which I'm obviously not going to do. Plus I could have workshopped it a little bit better. I thought about doing "Spotify" instead of "the wall." But then, at that point, you're changing so much about the original formula that it kinda of loses its purpose, plus you're just reading it instead of hearing it so it could be confusing. I also thought about doing "load one down" instead of "download one," but perhaps that's a bit too cute. It may obfuscate what I was going for. And we care far too much about the comedic form for something like that, clearly.

This week has a little bit of everything, and dare I say, is a bit on the juvenile side. More vomit than usual, for one. And not even from the audience this time! We start with an extended food discussion, predicting our Spotify Wrappeds, and our disdain of everything about the Paul/Tyson event. Then we have a random act of food-related violence, a journalist who went to space and had a horrible time, and the story behind an iconic cryptid hoax.

After being off a couple weeks, we’re returning with a nice long episode. It’s thick. It’s stuffed. Chunky, if you will. Like the soup! From the Campbell’s brand of products. Seemingly their attempt to upscale their usual offerings, which are often from concentrate. Even the Chunky line is not that impressive as far as soups go. I’ve totally become a soup guy in the last year. Making new soups every weekend, just totally balling out. I don’t like being one of these people who gets way into a hobby and turns into a snob about it. I don’t want to be that guy. That said, it would be hard for me to crack open a can of Campbell’s Chunky chicken noodle and enjoy myself at this point. I just know I can do so much better. But wait a second, they’re rich and I’m not. That’s it, if I just sell my soups, people will want to buy mine instead, and I’ll be the rich one and they’ll go out of business. That’s how the market works, right? This business thing is easy.

These week we return from our break to a rather gloomy state of the world. We aim to entertain and bring some joy to people’s lives, with mixed results at best. We start with a recap of Alex’s trip to Oregon and pilgrimage to a Here’s a Guy landmark. Then, we have a YouTube prankster who fucked around and found out, a football team’s very rocky season, and a drunken holiday fiasco at our nation’s highest military institution.

It's officially Halloween. Well, actually, it's not. I've literally said one thing so far and it was untrue. Just total scumbag behavior. Here's what I really meant: for all intents and purposes, it's Halloween, if we're confining ourselves to the context of Here's a Guy scheduling. Jeez, speaking of scary! The point is, this is the last Mayhem Month main episode for 2024, and what a journey it's been. We've got a heavy dose of real life horrors, some shocking, some stupid, and some just depressing. And if that doesn't describe our reality, what does? We wouldn't have it any other way. Actually, now that I think of it, I probably would. I imagine if everyone was given the choice of Here's a Guy being able to exist vs. ending all senseless misery in the world, most, although perhaps not 100%, of people would kick us to the curb. And for those who wouldn't, we thank you for continuing to listen.

We close things out this week with our final heaping helping of mayhem. We start by discussing our Halloween plans, what Here's a Guy topics would make good costumes, and for some reason the time a rabbit pissed on Cody. Then we have a woman whose mysterious disappearance was taken advantage of, a boy whose Xbox gamer tag caused a stir, and a lonely edgelord who escalated things to unthinkable levels.

I don't have a lot of creative thoughts to meander about this week. However, I have been watching a bunch of Tales from the Crypt, so the Crypt Keeper has been on my mind a lot lately. One of the all time great characters. Can you imagine pitching him in the writers’ room? Alright, we have an anthology horror show where characters are often tortured with cruel irony. We just need a host. How about a shriveled corpse who loves making puns and wearing little outfits? Insane. He's so funny too. I watched one where he has on an 80s-style workout fit complete with a headband. It was a adorable, even though I'm sure in real life he'd be repugnant and smell like the dickens. TV will never be that good again. In his honor, I'll describe the episode in a style he'd see fitting.

(Crypt Keeper Voice, wearing a little director's outfit) Mayhem Month rolls on, and this week, you're in for a real treat! And not just candy, because we have two topics that are much less sweet! The entertainment industry loves to give us thrills and chills, but what if they were all too real? First up is an irresponsible water park owner whose bad choices sent his life into a real “downward slide!” Then it's lights, camera, regurgitation, as a scary movie was even scarier to film! With all the animal carcasses, no wonder it really stunk up the theaters! Ee-hee-hee-hee!

It’s Week 2 of October, and I have to ask, is Spooky Season truly upon us? Something feels off. Perhaps it’s the lack of chill in the air. The leaves aren’t changing. I just drank a pumpkin ale but it gave me heartburn. Halloween decorations are out, but the spirit feels different. It’s at this time we wonder…are we no longer spooked? Perhaps…life has become just too good for everybody. Things are in such great shape we can no longer feel discomfort. Oh wait, the opposite is true. Everyone is getting blown up or attacked by hurricanes. That’s not the “fun” kind of scary, per se. If there’s one thing I know is still scary, though, it’s John Carpenter’s 1982 classic “The Thing.” It’ll get you every time. And that’s a message we can all get behind.

On the other hand, over at Here’s a Guy, Mayhem Month rolls on, and with this slate of topics, there is no doubt we are in the spirit of the season. First, we discuss Alex’s travels and bands blowing up on stage. Then, we have two firefighters who really ruined a funeral, a crazy guy with the world’s most disturbing doll collection, and a shut-in at the center of a tangled web of murder and deceit.

Folks, we're back with the greatest time of year in the HaG studios. That's right, it's Mayhem Month. In the past we've covered a wide variety of mayhem-filled topics, from a zombie army to a man in love with a corpse to a pizza man who got his head blown off. Through it all we've learned very little. Actually, that's true of most things, and a testament to us specifically. We have learned one thing though: it's that people are truly fucked up and do lots of bizarre things. The much more innocent version of this premise was the 90s smash hit TV show America's Funniest Home Videos. Despite being memory-holed now, that shot had an absolutely dominant grip on society at one point in time. Everyone's greatest dream was for Bob Saget to riff on a clip of them getting hit in the nuts in front of a live studio audience. That was back when things were more simple. Then the president had to go and get a bujowski from an intern, and the entire nation lost its innocence.

To kick off Mayhem Month, as is custom, we go over our October watchlists for this year. Then it's mayhem time, featuring a scientist with a macabre travelling display, a nutjob who found an unusual solution to a common problem, a horse doctor whose visit with a patient took a turn for the worse.

Folks, we’re back in my favorite time of year: soup season. Well, theoretically anyway. The scourges of global warming are making this more challenging. There’s no reason why you can’t eat soup while it’s hot out, it just feels wrong. Why is that though? It’s not like we don’t eat other hot foods while it’s hot out. Shit, I eat hot food basically all year round. Soup has been boxed in as chilly/cold weather food- excluding gazpachos and other cold soups, of course. I’m too much of a bumpkin for those though. Soup has this reputation for being “cozy.” I don’t really get what’s meant by that though. “Cozy” to me means something like a blanket or a warm cat. Something you can cuddle up with when it’s cold. You can’t cuddle soup, it’s far too runny. If you hop into bed and pour hot soup on yourself, I promise you won’t like the results. Ugh, that’s probably someone out there’s fetish.