Here's the Tower

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I am a huge Orson Welles fan, for all the right reasons and all the wrong reasons, though not as huge as the man himself.

Welles was fascinatingly one of history’s great directors, as well as an immensely gifted writer and actor, while simultaneously he was a scrappy underdog and an insufferable ass. His films like Citizen Kane and Touch of Evil are regarded among the giants of cinema, while the outtakes from his television commercials for Findus frozen peas and Paul Masson wine are just as infamous in the annals of recorded train wrecks.

I recently published a lengthy article about the Findus debacle that I had been researching for half a year. The story, which you can read in K Composite Magazine (kcomposite.com), is what I humbly consider to be a must-read for fans of the Findus outtakes.

With all the excitement surrounding the release of Welles’s final film The Other Side of the Wind, I thought it only fitting to dedicate this week’s episode to that theme of celebration. This episode is my interpretation of what the Findus outtakes may have been like, had Orson Welles been in a much better mood, more willing to cooperate, and of course, had the less impressive voice of a much smaller person. Me.

If you’re not familiar with the Findus frozen peas recording upon which this week’s episode is based, you can hear that legendary tape and get the entire backstory in the aforementioned article.

Southern lawyer Frank Davidson takes the daring step of putting his client on the stand. Listen in as he questions the defendant and the courtroom erupts in murmurs.

Special guest performance by Pat McClimans as Count Dracula.

My home away from home in Stockholm is a little watering hole called Katarina Ölkafé. Owned by some fellow Americans, Katarina is a great place to enjoy craft beers, New York Jewish deli-style food, and fun conversations. It’s a small space that holds only about forty people at a time, so it’s really cozy, especially on cold nights during the long, dark Swedish winter.

I host events at Katarina from time to time, including PowerPoint Night, which is like open mic but with 5-minute presentations, and Country Night, where I play lots of old classic country records for the folks while they’re a’drinkin’. I also design the menus and website for the place.

A few weeks ago, I tagged along for an employee outing where we all had lunch together and then took a bus to a recording studio about an hour outside of Stockholm. The studio is at the home of Niek Meul, a chef, musician, and friend of the bar. The nine of us enjoyed some drinks and wrote a theme song for Katarina Ölkafé which Niek recorded and mixed. Everyone contributed some writing and singing, regardless of their level of musicianship and that made it extra fun.

The song is all about working at the beer café from the perspective of the employees. It’s three minutes long and will soon be available on streaming services, but we made a special one-minute version to share with you here. You can find the full version of the song on your favorite music streaming service under the band name Kaktuskruka and the complete lyrics are below. The cover photo and the other great images on Katarina’s website are by Matt Hickman.

Oh, Katarina
Written and performed by the staff of Katarina Ölkafé
Recorded by Niek Meul

Katarina is a job I like
Because I get paid to watch Counterstrike
81 kronor for a tiny beer
That’s the best deal you’re gonna get around here

Hot pastrami plus the mac and cheese
Ask the staff about them allergies
We’ve got sours and we’ve got bitters
You ain’t the first one to get locked in our shitter

Oh, Katarina
Pass me that hot sauce please

Katarina is a job I hate
People always bring their fucking Tinder dates
You think this place would be cheap and shitty
But it’s actually kind of expensive

Oh, Katarina
Pass me that hot sauce please

With election season in full swing, the ads are starting to turn negative, and now this weekly minute of entertainment has come under attack.