Hindsight is Horrifying

Highlander: There Can Be Only One!

We got tired of having randos in our studio, so this week, it’s just your beloved Darth and Jason at the helm of this 80s classic that also poses as a complete train wreck. It’s not often that a movie offers up wrestler strip-teases AND immortal blue jean sex, but Jason selected a film that provides them both. Get excited.

We can’t decide if Clancy Brown or Tim Curry chews more scenery when they go off the improvising rails. To be fair, Clancy Brown may take home the belt when it comes to nearly murdering fellow actors, but this makes sense if you caught his performance on Rick and Morty. 

Christopher Lambert was also in this movie at some point, but the real star of the film was his utterly indecipherable accent; in fact, it might be even more nonsensical than the background of his “Egyptian” mentor.

Apparently, we can blame Argentina (goodbye to yet another country) and Highlander fans themselves for the poor quality of Highlander sequels. Ultimately, Jason applies the same sense of denial to the sequels that Darth uses for Spider-Man 3. Regardless, this franchise may stand alone as the only one to ever be improved by a subsequent television series.

None of this really matters in a film where logic slices through the plot like car battery sparks through a longsword. Honestly, in a movie where quasi-Scottish Bruce Wayne cannot achieve mortal omnipotence until all the immortals are dead, your suspension of disbelief is key.

We’d be remiss, however, if we didn’t mention the most timeless aspects of this beloved 80s film. Queen’s amazing music, Peter Diamond’s legendary stunt training, and Sean Connery’s mere 7-day presence help to solidify Highlander as an immortal and treasured classic.

Our last piece of advice is this. Ladies, don’t make your man light an annual candle. White Fang his ass and die like a low-maintenance bawse.

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Ferris Bueller’s Day Off : They Think He’s a Righteous Dude!

To think, there was once a time when people felt safe enough to make out with Charlie Sheen in a police station (or anywhere else, for that matter). Welcome to the school-ditcher’s guide to Chicago!

Listeners, we welcome our first legitimate adult to the podcast, the legendary, the amazing Morgan Rodgers! Darth’s dad showed up on the scene dressed in his sophisticated take on Ferris Bueller, and it just doesn’t get more epic than that.

On this particular episode, Jason, Darth, and Morgan discuss the greatest John Hughes film of all time. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is a feel-good movie where the characters are as light as feathered 80s hair, complete with shoulder pads, leg warmers, and one seriously cool car.

To be fair, Cameron may have gotten murdered by his father after he destroyed that beautiful Ferrari, but Ferris runs home in time to witness the defeat of the evil emperor Rooney. And isn’t that what really matters?

On our journey through 1986 Chicago with Ferris and the gang, we discovered some fun facts:

1. Twist and Shout was used in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Back to School. Finally, a hot meal for Paul and Ringo.
2. Cameron is the protagonist and Ferris is the antagonist. Discuss.
3. Danke Schoen is the gopher through-line of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
4. Ben Stein has no room for improvment in his knowledge of economics.

Of course, even perfect 80s classics leave us with unanswered questions. Is Abe Froman the real Sausage King of Chicago? We may never know, and we’ll also always wonder why he never showed up to his lunch reservation at that French restaurant. 

Regardless, the charm of Ferris Bueller prevails. This should be evident if for no other reason than the incredible Mr. Rodgers picked it for his episode. So jump in the Ferrari with your favorite podcasters and enjoy the ride.

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Animaniacs! Hellllooooooo, NURSE!

It’s a momentous episode, listeners, because @Darth_Jader_ and Jason Mitchell welcome their first male guest who isn’t named Adam! But that makes us sound cooler than we are, because this guest is also from our Shakespeare Troupe, a.k.a our only group of friends.

We joined our non-Adam acquaintance, our Don Jon, Randy Bampfield, this week to discuss Animaniacs and stroll down memory lane to visit other beloved childhood programming.

Who knew a cartoon could be such an eccentrically outlandish variety show? We’re just grateful that it’s nothing like The Brady Bunch Hour. Not even the Brady family had the Wheel of Morality, and they never even TRIED to take over the world.

Some of you who love Animaniacs are too young to remember President Bill Clinton on Arsenio Hall back in the day, and it shows. We’ll get over it, however, because we’ve got much bigger things to worry about, like Quentin Tarantino directing a Star Trek movie. Wubba Lubba Dubb Dubb!

Which Batman was better? Either way, we’re psyched to announce that we finally found a show that definitively proves Jason’s theory that ANY show or movie can be improved by the presence of the Dark Knight.

On this episode, we reminisce about the 80s, when America only watched cartoons starring animal/humanoid hybrids. We’re aware that you young’uns born after the 80s don’t know what Vertical Hold or Laser Discs are. Feel free to see yourselves out. All that to be said, Wendy and Marvin were the Scrappy-Doo of the Super Friends. Fight us.

What is your policy on watching nudity with your parents? Our only conclusion is that it’s awkward to watch risqué movies with the people who used to sing you Captain Kangaroo songs when you were a small child. Do with that what you will.

If nothing else, listeners, do you yourselves the favor of furthering your knowledge of our awesome guest, the talented Randy Bampfield. He doesn’t have a gun to our heads, or anything. Just go see his shows if you want to make sure that we live to podcast again.

We’ll leave you with these scintillating final thoughts:

1. Tom Kenny is reaching Jim Cummings and Mark Hamill levels of ubiquity in the voiceover world.
2. HD killed the special effects of older movies. 
3. T.A.R.D.I.S costumes should NEVER be mentioned lightly.
4. Darth should stop inviting boys on this show.

Until next time, weirdos. Hindsight OUT.

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IT, PART TWO! We All Float Down Here, Georgie!

Between the Mothman and Pennywise, @Darth_Jader_ and @northfoggy are amazed that anyone still showers. Nonetheless, join us as Young Adam (amongst our flourishing Adam collection) returns for his second appearance on the exciting conclusion of Stephen King’s IT!

How do you bust a ghost? Proton packs. How do you murder a demon clown from space? Silver pellets and inhaler mist, DUH. But we would’ve paid good money to watch Harry Anderson try to defeat Pennywise with some close-up magic; not even Batman could improve a movie to that degree.

We discover upon revisiting IT that this movie has aged so poorly, yet Pennywise still has his moments. Speaking of which, are you too afraid to Google the library scene from IT? We can help with that! Just try not to flinch when the bursting balloons splash you with blood.

That being said, ladies, it’s only acceptable to be slutty with boys who have ALSO been haunted and terrorized by a clown. The marital status of said boys is irrelevant so long as they’ve helped you clean copious amount of gore out of your bathroom sink.

In that same vein, who was the better bloodletter? Was it Tim Curry or John Wayne Gacy? We think the balloon budget alone should give Pennywise an edge in this race.

Not convinced? That’s okay. Consider some lessons from IT while you ponder this epic debate:

1. When your husband suddenly leaves town to “murder a clown”, that’s really just code for visiting his mistress.
2. Be sure to keep the T.A.R.D.I.S meter running when you’re revisiting traumatic memories from your childhood.
3. IT is the original prequel to Breaking Bad (though we doubt Saul would be very helpful in this situation).
4. If you can’t get access to boobs WITHOUT climbing into a sewer, seek help immediately.
5. The Deadlights are no worse than Dementors; have some chocolate and move on.

Ultimately, IT teaches us that bikes are just like clowns; they only have as much power as you grant them in your mind. That is indisputable Stephen King logic.

Our biggest issue with IT is that the Lucky 7 gathers to dispose of their worst nightmare and save the town of Derry from a scourge of child murders, but first … Chinese food. To that end, we need the fortune cookie scene to be done again with the Banana Boat song and some Calypso dancing. Hollywood? Make it so.

Seriously, though. Pennywise could have been defeated so much more quickly if the Loser’s Club included Kevin McAllister (assuming he had the proper amount of prep time).

You can’t blame the complete void of action on the Lucky 7, however. It is Pennywise who tries to outsource his murders to an unstable psychiatric patient and a Rottweiler (we may have stopped paying attention to the movie at some point).

Our official conclusion is that IT doesn’t have protagonists or antagonists…just losers. #Losersclub

But never fear, because there’s always time for a wholesome bike montage.

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Beep Beep, Richie!

This week in It, we find that Tim Curry is the Robin Williams of the horror genre. Regardless, Jim Carrey still has him beat when it comes to prosthetic teeth.

Welcome to the first ever two-part episode of Hindsight is Horrifying, where we flip the script and discuss our very first “horror” movie!

Regardless of how It has aged (*cough* BADLY *cough*), we stand by the fact that Pennywise is the OG killer clown from outer space, so all of you posers out there can stay seated alongside the not-real Slim Shadys. But seriously, guys, remember the old days of playing outside before all the rapists and killer clowns came along?

On this oddly humorous episode about a blood-thirsty clown demon, @northfoggy and @Darth_Jader_ are delighted by the company of Young Adam (not to be confused with “Old Adam” or “Really Old Adam”). Listeners, we may have a problem. How many Adams are too many Adams? Does it make a difference if we met them in a Shakespeare group? We can only hope that Neil Degrasse Tyson has come up with an algorithm for such things.

Along with the excitement of a brand new guest, Jason lauds us with a tale of his journey to Galaxy’s Edge at Disneyland. And, in case you haven’t heard, this incredible new installment of the Disney Universe includes a character invented by one of Darth’s oldest friends! True story! Delilah S. Dawson, famous author and general badass, created the character of Vi Moradi, who you can read about in Phasma and actually meet at Galaxy’s Edge! But you’ll have to beat Darth Jader there, and she can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

IT forces us to ask an important question: If the Murtaugh’s house was just around the corner from the sewer of Georgie’s demise, where was our favorite cop buddy duo during this time of crisis in Derry? DAMN IT, RIGGS!

And speaking of multiverses, teenyverses, and the like, Billy Madison and It have more in common than you might know. Our personal multiverse theory is that the clown from Billy Madison takes a nasty fall and sustains a head injury which transforms him into Pennywise. #trademarked

We have many general observations after this particular episode:

1. Comas can be cured by bike rides.
2. For all the murders and dismemberment in It, at least the pharmacist is nice, unlike the evil druggist in It’s a Wonderful Life.
3. Some of you lucky listeners still don’t understand the skill it took to live in a time before the “previous” button on TV remotes, and it shows.
4. A large rock will kill nearly anyone (including Rick and Summer). It turns out, you don’t need an inhaler or silver pellets to commit clown murder. 
5. Jonathan Brandis and John Ritter were awesome.

Ultimately, the real mystery remains: besides the temptation of @DragonCon and girls, how could It lure you into a sewer? We have to know. Blow us up on the Countenance Novel, Tweeter, or a relevant social medium. Listeners, we’ve had a lot of fun tonight. But despite our funny remarks and nonchalance, don’t think we haven’t taken this episode seriously. We know that many of you are dealing with past trauma and abuse that just might be surfacing in your adult minds, but don’t think you’re alone. Reach out. If you need help, please consult our most trusted advisor, Repressed Memory Emily. She may not remember anything you say, but she’s always there to listen.

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So, on this episode, JASON SCREWED SOMETHING UP. The long and short of it is that Jason managed to “accidentally” lose the first few minutes of this episode. For his ineptitude, we do apologize. If you want to eviscerate him, feel free to troll him on Twitter or Instagram at @northfoggy.

LISTENERS! Shawann (wanny.g) has never heard of Nirvana, which makes Darth and Jason feel incredibly old; your favorite podcast hosts keep bringing on younger and younger guests … maybe something needs to change.

In this episode, we do much wonder … what would a sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire even look like? Don’t bother answering, because we know you can’t improve upon perfection, and we aren’t interested in anyone trying.

Improvisation is the name of the game in this Robin Williams classic. And just in case you’re wondering, listeners, Robin Williams and Jim Carrey are the goofy kings of Darth’s heart. What other men can be 90 different characters in less than an hour? On top of which, how many actors would commit to so many hours of makeup application just to bring a character to life?

No matter the project, Robin Williams was the pig. Confused? Don’t be. Because when it comes to bacon and eggs, the chicken was involved, but the pig was COMMITTED (Dustin Hoffman, you just got schooled) #Tootsie .

Kidnap our daughters all day long; DON’T KILL OUR DOGS. Lesson learned, Liam Neeson: put a bell on your damned kid. Why doesn’t your “particular set of skills” include keeping track of your daughter BEFORE she gets kidnapped?

Here’s our Hollywood pitch (instead of yet another Taken sequel): re-cast the Paul Feig Ghostbusters, but make sure all actresses commit to a Desert Island situation before they ever film the movie. If that won’t build chemistry between the stars, nothing will. We’ll loan them our volley ball.

Venturing back to Mrs. Doubtfire, this movie teaches us many great lessons. Here are just a few:

1. There’s NOTHING that Mental Floss doesn’t know. For instance, in Mrs. Doubtfire, Robin Williams says the word “dear” over 100 TIMES. It’s intense.
2. Halloween is the best holiday, second only to DragonCon, Darth’s highest of holy holidays.
3. You might not be aware, but Jason LOVES Community and Babylon 5.
4. Darth can bring ANYTHING back to Pirates of the Caribbean.
5. Much like the Toy Story franchise, Mrs. Doubtfire will literally rip out your heart and soul (That one’s pretty obvious, but we felt compelled to mention it).
6. 
   

Despite all these valuable lessons, we still have some questions: Who the HELL has an allergy to pepper?!? Also, are you really having a stroke if you smell pizza instead of toast?

Regardless, Mrs. Doubtfire remains a beloved favorite in our hearts. It was the first movie to introduce us “drive-by fruitings”. Seriously, though. The Genie throws an orange at James Bond. It’s awesome.

This movie, like so many Robin Williams projects, will leave you feeling both uplifted and melancholy, but wasn’t that the real magic of our favorite comedian?

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DAMN IT, RIGGS!

The special word of today’s episode is…”HOOKER”!

Seriously, though, everyone and their mom is naked at the beginning of Lethal Weapon. We don’t see how this movie COULDN’T remind you of The Color Purple. Listeners, here it is. We don’t care how big of a birthday he’s having. It is NEVER acceptable to surprise your dad with a cake while he’s naked in the tub.

When your prostitute daughter commits non-Kevorkian style suicide, who can you call but Roger Murtaugh and Martin Riggs? This hooker/heroin conspiracy is, quite simply, one of the top 5 Christmas movies of all time. To that end, whenever you find yourself in a Christmas tree lot, never forget to use the Fun Dip method of testing cocaine with your knife.

We interrupt this description to make a few announcements:

1. Here at #HindsightIsHorrifying, we don’t believe in product placement. #DrinkVariant
2. Contrary to Jason’s impression, Clark Gable was not trying to commit suicide in WWII.
3. Darth was also incorrect about the details behind the passing of Steve Irwin; she formally apologizes to cameramen everywhere and sincerely hopes that you’re all still alive. 

Mel Gibson IS the lethal weapon. He’s basically Jairo from @BobsBurgersFOX; he takes down Mr. Joshua with sexy dance fighting (belated spoiler alert). John Roberts, you’re Darth’s TV mom and she loves you.

Fun fact: In the 80s, women were only allowed to do cocaine if they were dressed as a catholic school girl or a dominatrix. Thankfully, we’ve moved passed that in 2019. #Feminism

Lethal Weapon begs the question: Is it better to smuggle heroin in coffee or egg nog? Either way, sloths make rather considerate neighbors.

Can anyone put Darth in touch with the helicopter pilot from this movie? She wants to shake his hand, but not as badly as she wants Mel Gibson to murder her with his thighs. She wants you to Jailhouse Rock her world. #TombstoneMoment

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This week, Jason and Katie enjoy their Dark Alchemy and Moon Cloud from Variant Brewing while Darth is denied her Raspberry Lemon Gose; she makes due with the delicious Conditional Love. Whoever bought the last of her favorite crowler, you know who you are and you’re dead to us.

We are totally buggin’ in this episode where you can practically hear Jason’s manhood dying a slow, painful death as Darth and Katie discuss dresses and how dreamy Paul Rudd is. We ask you, who DOESN’T want an ex-step brother to fall in love with?

As inconceivable as it seems to have Wallace Shawn in a 90s teen flick, he makes an appearance to teach the youth of America about debate and Haitians. Fortunately, he avoids getting into a land war in Asia along the way.

There are quite a few takeaways in this week’s episode:

1. Despite his ability to shave his head and keep it real, Turk just doesn’t look right without J.D.
2. The 688 club was basically Atlanta’s Studio 54 back in the day, but Dicky Barrett couldn’t stage dive well enough to play there.
3. Jason is a “professional” man who represents the entire male species. You can tweet your displeasure about this to @northfoggy.

We also get some really great dating lessons from Clueless.

To have the perfect date night, bake some cookie dough for your cake boy and binge some Tony Curtis. Just make sure you don’t fall off the bed when you strike a pose. Also, if you want to sound smart in front of a man, make sure to mention the existential nature of Ren & Stimpy. But if a guy doesn’t return your affections, ladies, just blow off school and catch the new Christian Slater!

The ultimate dating questions are whether you are a Betty or a Monet? A Baldwin or a Barney? You’ll never land a sibling significant other until you find out.

As always, listeners, we appreciate you tolerating our weekly bout of nonsense.

We’re Audi.

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You listeners are getting lucky tonight, because there’s no actual death or rape in Much Ado About Nothing!

We’re changing it up and going Inside the Actors Studio in this very special episode to discuss our upcoming play in Alpharetta. Join us in interviewing the stars of the show, Darth Jader and Adam Brown!

Narcissism and slut-shaming run deep in the play that taught many of us about the fine line between love and hate. After all, we ladies know that boys only pull the hair of the girls that they like. Isn’t the hair-pulling process how most of us wound up married?

The undisputed fact is this: Who run the world? GIRLS. We’re the reason you fellas lurched out of your caves in the first place (and some of us even bring you beer). Seriously, though, listeners; Beatrice is Darth’s Beyoncé.

In this particular episode, we wonder if you have to be damaged to perform Shakespeare. If you do, Adam and Darth have that market cornered, so bring on the emotional trauma. Regardless, if you get stabbed, it doesn’t matter to the stake.

The real question is, are you anti-Stratford like Adam, or are you on Darth and Jason’s side (a.k.a the winning team)?

Notwithstanding, be #TeamShakespeare and join us this weekend for Much Ado About Nothing to witness Beatrice and Benedick as the original wedding crashers. We have two shows left on May 18th and 19th at the Alpharetta Arts Center, so don’t miss out!

Whether you enjoy our show with us or not, we’ll leave you with these thoughts:

1. Don’t be like Ophelia. You might be ruined, but you’re not as stabby as Mel Gibson. 
2. “There is one god, and his prophet is Bill Bryson.” – Jason Mitchell
3. According to Adam, David Tennant is the greatest Scottish actor since Lenny Bruce.
4. If a woman’s bedroom is adorned in Disney, hit the eject button.
5. We’ll take Jessica Williams and Randy Bampfield over Denzel and Keanu any day.

Until next time, listeners, adieu. Darth and the boys are off to crash a sex party.

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Death Race 2000: Try Not to Think About Auto Erotic Asphyxiation.

On this week’s episode, Jason gains gender support from our first male guest, podcast virgin, Adam, who selected one of the most bizarre and fantastic movies that Darth has ever seen. And she remembers the time of VHS!

You might be surprised that Adam was disciplined enough to stay dry during our run of Much Ado About Nothing until Darth and Jason got a hold of him; we’re such a bad influence on our guests. But if we’re going to peer pressure a friend into drinking, we’ll make sure they’re drinking Variant because our product placement is on point.

On a different note, we wouldn’t assume that we’d have to tell you this, listeners, but consider yourselves warned, because In Man vs. Car, the car always wins. This is especially true if two brothers with a strong bond are driving a van over your pathetic fisherman body.

Machine Gun Joe has Bene-real-dick (we’ll see ourselves out). But seriously ladies, remember to keep something sweet in your ear unless you want a swift punch to the face.

With that not-so-subtle nod to a Shakespearean character, we’re expecting ALL of you to attend our show that opens this weekend, May 10, at 7:30 pm in Wills Park. This invite includes all our Aussie friends. You’ve got time; buy a plane ticket.

You listeners have no idea how hard Adam and Darth have been working on this play; they went so far with their characterization that they’re not even sure who they are anymore. If you’re interested in discovering their process, it’s something akin to the Emma Stone method from The Actress. Despite their best efforts as actors, however, Adam and Darth are simply too wise to squanch peaceably.

Also, Jason is the director of the play…or, something. No one really cares.

As always, we can’t let you leave us without some parting wisdom learned from Death Race 2000:

1. There’s nothing sexier than a man who slowly peels off his pleather gimp suit before making love to you with his 6 Million Dollar Man parts.
2. Don’t call Adam “Benedict”; he’ll be a real dick about it (once again, we’ll see ourselves out).
3. It’s never okay to Cosby your navigator. Keep your puddin’ pop in your pants, fellas.

Finally, to all our ladies out there: Improve your three-point-turn if you don’t want to be blown up by a landmine or a “hand grenade”.

Until next time, keep that blood lust pumping.

After all, you can’t earn points without mowing down some infants and geriatrics.

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