Hindsight is Horrifying

Shivers: They Came From Within! (Phrasing, boom!)

Hindsighters, steele yourselves for bodily and sexual mutilation in Shivers, where super-rapey parasites take over the residents of an upscale condo. In David Cronenberg’s wildly disturbing directorial debut, we venture back to the swinging 70s, when the women were braless and there was an ashtray at every elevator.

Seriously, tune in to this episode ONLY IF YOU DARE…

In the movie “that made Canada hate David Cronenberg”, we start off with the super awkward moment of Nick walking in on his gutted, murdered, and under-aged mistress (as happens so often). He was schtupping Patient 0, and now he’s Patient 1.

Shivers, a nightmarish hellscape of a movie, introduces phallic-shaped parasites as they violate and infect the unsuspecting (though certainly not innocent) residents of Starliner Towers. Subsequently, the condo residents turn into the horny Walking Dead and all sexual hell breaks loose.

To that end, Darth and Jason can’t help but wonder, is there no way to pull a “Walking Dead” to disguise yourself from horny zombies? Instead of covering yourself in the guts of the dead, couldn’t you just randomly start stripping or moaning? Would the Cronenbergs leave you alone in that case?

Darth and Jason would like to think so, and they’d also like to point out that NOTHING was learned from Shivers save for this sage lesson:

1. If you want to afford spiders for your movie, don’t blow your budget on tempera paint.

Finally, Darth would like to thank the acADAMy for her freshest bout of emotional and mental scarring. Needless to say, Adam Brown is now dead.

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“That’s Not My Scarecrow.” – Jeepers Creepers

If you can dodge The Creeper, you can dodge a ball! Thank you for joining us for Katie’s 6th appearance on the podcast! She is the reigning champion of #HIH appearances, so eat her dust, Adam Brown.

In this particular horror film, there’s no lotion involved, even though the murderer requires the freshest, most fear-infused skin in order to Dorian Gray himself in the most gruesome way possible. To that end, we have to wonder if Buffalo Bill or The Creeper is more evil.

Either way, this movie demonstrates that self-taxidermy is the ultimate survival tool and decoration skill. How else are you going to remain immortal in the Sistine Chapel of preserved bodies?

As horrifying as he is, The Creeper does have mad processing skills. But for you #Hindsighters at home, don’t fret if you don’t have freshly skinned human for your recipes; you can use store-bought and no one will know the difference. #BarefootHotmessa

Along with his incredible talents in butchering, Darth and Jason would be remiss if they didn’t take this opportunity to applaud The Creeper’s abilities in recycling; so few horror villains are green enough to leave only footprints when they devour and/or wear their human victims.

As far as Darth is concerned, the Creeper is basically Bobcat Goldthwait as a Whisperer with a massive torture truck (a.k.a rolling probable cause). That being said, the only thing dumber than going back to investigate a mysterious guy who’s CLEARLY throwing bloody bodies down a pipe is building a diner set on your own budget.

We can only conclude that a lack of common sense is essential to the existence of any horror movie. There’s no other way to explain why most victims in scary films don’t possess a stronger instinct to “get the hell outta here”, or at least heed the advice of cut-rate Miss Cleo.

Justin Long story short, Derry is a better escape artist than Harry Houdini (we still don’t know how he get out of that tunnel of bodies); in fact, he’s so talented that he manages to escape his own skin. #SpoilerAlert

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Hocus Pocus: “Hang Him on a Hook and Let Me Play With Him!”

Welcome to the Great British Baking Show: Witch Edition! If the Sanderson Sisters don’t become immortal on Halloween night, they will turn into dust! But don’t worry. According to Jason’s cook book, if you don’t have farm fresh witch dust, you can use non-dairy creamer, and no one will know the difference. #BareFootHotMessa

Regardless of the ingredients in your recipe, don’t let the Kurgan lick the bowl; he’ll make it weird. Also, make absolutely sure that none of your lemons come from trolls, especially those who hate the sultry tones of Darth Jader.

Have you ever seen a cat inflate after being destroyed by a city bus? More to the point, are you even living if you haven’t?  Luckily, our biggest fangirl, Katie, has returned to the studio to help us answer such questions!

As children, we thought that Hocus Pocus was a movie about witches. We were so naïve. This particular movie is naught but a fable to ward children against talking black cats, mouth-stitched corpses, and ANYONE who happens to be a virgin.

Most importantly, Hocus Pocus helps us to reiterate this lesson: STOP READING ALOUD FROM CREEPY BOOKS.

Despite the Sanderson Sisters being the 3 Stooges of witches, Hocus Pocus teaches us that:

1. Only bougie people drink apple cider and pumpkin spice ANYTHING.
2. Vacuums SUCK as flying transport.
3. Passing the Man Bar is far easier than passing than actual bar exam. Just ask Jason.

Ultimately, we want to watch Bette Midler take on Emperor Palpatine in a lightening fight. Disney? *clap clap* Make it so. If you make this happen, we’ll “forget” about this “children’s movie” that focused so heavily on dead cats and sweet yabbos. We “promise”…

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Are You Afraid of the Dark?: “Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society…”

Back in the day, when Melissa Joan Hart was the queen of Nickelodeon (when it was still worth watching), there was this spooky show about campfire stories. We all remember our favorite episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Or do we…?

When you move into the Grey Gardens house with the Witches of Eastwick, you have to expect a visit from a ghost. However, we all know that Morning Wood is far scarier than any ghost we might encounter.

To that end, Darth can’t decide if it would be cooler to be killed by a ghost or pelted to death with gold coins. Regardless, she takes comfort in the fact that Jason will smother her with a pillow before he allows her to quote John Mulaney in her future nursing home. #Tombstonemoment

On this episode, we welcome back our friend, Marie, as we discuss “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” a show that scared the holy hell out of countless children in the 90s. During this chilling episode, we learn the importance of handing a dead child his own coat, because apparently, even ghosts get cold.

This show does leave us wondering … what’s the creepiest thing a ghost can say? “I’m cold” can’t possibly take home the gold chocolate coins.

And speaking of candy, why don’t circus peanuts take as much abuse as candy corn? Discuss.

The bits of wisdom we extract from this episode are as follows:

1. It pays to be a Mouseketeer.
2. Liberace could play the typewriter like a BAWSE.
3. Museum exhibits that include dead bodies are TERRIBLY LOUD.

We discuss these fine points and much more on our latest episode. So, #Hindsighters, settle in and throw some non-dairy creamer onto the camp fire, because we don’t care about submitting for your approval.

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Ernest Scared Stupid: “I Sure Hope You’re From Keebler!”

On this delightful episode, Darth’s friend Jeremy (whose headstone will read “Ernest Scared Stupid ‘Expert’ #TombstoneMoment”) joins in for some Halloween fun in the studio to discuss a staple of all our childhoods, Ernest P. Worrell.

For most of us, Ernest was such a constant presence in our lives that we may forget his origin story from this film, which doomed him to dim-wittedness and garbage truck antics.

In spite of Ernest’s simple qualities, Darth wants to vacation in the Ernest multiverse, where the rules make way more sense than in the Stephen King universe. Pennywise is all-powerful, but his powers are surprisingly random and limited. Deal with IT, Young Adam. Though Ernest never defeated Sasquatch, he and the Ninja Turtles were the only heroes cool enough to attack their enemies with pizzas.

For real though, Jim Varney was someone that this world simply did not deserve. Thank goodness we still have Matt Smith, a.k.a the last Doctor that both Darth and Jason mutually adore and respect. Your beloved podcasters also respect the costumers of Ernest Scared Stupid, who clearly made more of an effort than those of Halloweentown.

Naturally, we have questions about this episode and its correlating movie:

1. Why does the town sheriff have any sort of jurisdiction over the sanitation department?
2. Why can’t Jason tell the difference between The Office and Golden Girls?
3. Why do we even HAVE that lever?!?

Let us stop asking questions before the weight of logic crushes us beneath the shield of the paper thin plot of this movie. This won’t stop us, however, from professing our crossover theory.

Stick with us: Ernest is a supernatural being who was placed in this story…oh nevermind, that’s some utter nonsense that Jason would think up.

What we ultimately learn from this film is that trolls are weaker than milk (powdered or otherwise), and are utterly susceptible to Ernest’s tender dancing skills. Trolls are especially weaker than the pure love and memory of Jim Varney, our collective pal and beloved childhood friend. You know what we mean, Vern.

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Halloweentown: “Being Normal is Vastly Overrated.”

Welcome to the first episode of our Halloween series! In this Disney original, we join a brand new guest, Michele, to discuss the story of a powerful witch as she guides her innocent granddaughter down the path of the mysterious and demonic.

In this film, Aggie Cromwell has a pet purse that is clearly the bastard child of Mary Poppins’ carpet bag and the Monster Book of Monsters. #Hindsighters, we always thought that our grandmas simply didn’t want us to rifle through and subsequently disorganize their purses; now we know that they were all smuggling pentagrams and fetish dolls. 

Shockingly, Jason hates this movie even more than Clueless, so he distracted himself with our latest studio toy. Oh yes, listeners, we’ve given Jason the power of sound effects, and Darth regrets everything.

In other and utterly superfluous news, Jason will henceforth be known as The Occurrence. He’ll be updating his social media handles accordingly and getting some trashy tattoos.

Despite the fluffy nature of Halloweentown, Darth and Jason took away some important lessons:

1. Britney Spears is grocery store music; she has gone the way of the hair scrunchie.
2. Selling your soul to a warlock for good looks is a legit way to go if it lands you date with a witch.
3. Transforming a dead chicken to a live chicken inside a refrigerator is the ultimate prank.

In the Lion King, Mufasa tells Simba that “When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass.” Halloweentown, however, leaves us hanging with a deeply ecumenical and existential question: When we die, do we go to Halloweentown? Because for Jason, being eaten by antelope might be a preferable option.

Regardless of their empirical dilemmas, Darth and Jason have to give mad props to Princess Leia’s mom. Aggie is far too powerful to be defeated by a crappy warlock who roofies people with light-up Poke Balls, even if she cheats on occasion to make spells with Ramen noodle magic.

Get excited #Hindsighters, because Darth and Jason look forward to spending their first Halloween season with you. Steel yourselves for plenty of dark humor and a surprisingly diverse selection of movies, because we’re comin’ at ya. Hindsight, OUT.

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10 Things I Hate About You : “I Heard He Ate a Live Duck Once.”

*DISCLAIMER* Darth takes NO RESPONSIBILITY for these show notes. The men on this particular episode are the conductors of the Hot Mess Express. Also, we have to formally apologize to Randy and decent human beings everywhere because Adam Brown remains the King of wildly necessary editing.

We’re telling you, if you think that our passable material is rough, you guys don’t even want to know what we’ve had to cut. Needless to say, we require more crickets and mute buttons.

Welcome to Part II of the Battle Royale, where Darth and Katie serve up some pain to the boys in the form of a 1999 classic. This is the episode where we discover that Darth Jader can’t pronounce “subterfuge”, “reprise”, or “salsa”.

The most fascinating revelations of this episode, however, are Jason’s obsession with Oscar Isaac and Adam Brown’s crush on Don Johnson, despite being a self-described “flaming heterosexual”. Regardless, neither Oscar nor Don could keep our HIH fellas from frequenting the lesbian bars back in the day.

10 Things I Hate About You teaches us that high schoolers can get drunk and sober up at Light Speed, so a successful party is all about proper snacks and memorable moments. You need brie, table dancing drunk chicks, and a random guy falling off the roof if you expect anyone to enjoy themselves.

Listeners, let’s be honest. We know that every high school is different and they all have different agendas and criterion. However, we WILL shame your learning curve if you don’t know how to draw your own genitalia. If you’re falling behind on this lost art, consult your guidance counselor; they’re probably writing dirty novels in their office, anyway. On that note, Ms. Perky is grown-up Tina Belcher, and we are 100% here for it.

Speaking of counseling, #Hindsighters, don’t let Jason discourage your love for Harry Potter; get sorted into your Hogwarts house today! JUST TO PISS OFF JASON, HERE’S THIS LINK TO BNL because the music in this movie is incredible.

We know you’re biting your nails on the edge of your seats to find out if the guys or girls emerge victorious from this battle of wits and crass comments, so tune in now and enjoy the Battle Royale: Part Deux!

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Night Shift: Edible paper! You Eat it, it’s Gone…Eat it, it’s Outta There!

Welcome to our first (and hopefully regular) menage a quad! *term trademarked by Adam Brown*

#Hindsighters (as Katie has aptly labeled you), it’s hoes before bros on Part 1 of this brand-new type of episode. Darth and Katie challenge Jason and Adam Brown in a cinematic battle of the sexes!

Imagine a world where Batman and alternate-universe, lackluster Fonzie open a brothel to become chivalrous hustlers in their local morgue; oh, and Batman has a mental disorder where he can only sing Jumpin’ Jack Flash.

This film is a classic case of cheering for an underdog. After all, what everyman doesn’t get ahead by becoming a pimp? Oh! Sorry about that. We meant to say “love broker”. 

According to Miss Manners, “whore” is a rude term to apply to people in the sex trade. However, a whore who cooks partially naked for your man is not to be trusted, especially if she was recently busted out of Night Court. Here’s a pro tip from us to you, #Hindsighters: If a man refuses to pay you for services rendered, bite him on the ass. You’ll land your own ass in Night Court, but it’s totally worth it.

Speaking of which, Belinda might be a whore with a heart of gold, but Julia Roberts is the Disney Princess of hookers. However, Night Shift and Pretty Woman do share the important similarity that is the classic 80s montage. During the Night Shift montage, the love brokering ladies acquire fancy clothes while Fonzie stuffs money into a coffee can. The lesson here? We all celebrate differently.

We learned some other lessons from this movie:

1. It’s okay to acquire money illegally so long as you spend your ill-gotten gains in an honorable fashion. Chuck might have pimped out some 80s ladies, but he did it to buy his dad a truly pimpin’ headstone. #Tombstonemoment
2. Hooking is high-risk and generally low-reward; invest your money wisely, establish a 401K, and BOUNCE straight out of that profession before a John breaks your arm.

We’ve all experienced that awkward moment when underwhelming Fonzie and hooker Diane are having relationship troubles while mentally stunted Batman is stuck in the middle … this is just the kind of problem that can be solved by Variant Brewing, so long as you pair your beer with the correct Brendan Fraser movie.

Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of the Battle Royale, where we finally determine if the guys or the girls emerge victorious on a scale of Alf to Seinfeld. In the meantime, we’ll leave you with this final uplifting thought. Every time we mention autoerotic asphyxiation, an Australian takes a shot.

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The Adventures of Baron Munchausen – Is There a Doctor in the Fish?

Drop some acid, smoke some peyote. Do what you’ve got to do to prepare yourself for one of the trippiest movies of all time. But what else can you expect from Terry Gilliam, a.k.a the animation hippie of the Monty Python universe?

Welcome to The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, where suspension of disbelief and avoidance of logical thinking are your only potential survival guides in a world where the hero is named after a mental illness. To answer your question, yes. We are also surprised that this movie was given a grander budget than Highlander.

On this madcap episode, we finally figure out the name of that toy that looks like the planet Saturn. To that end, we can only assume that the film’s costume designer was intentionally trying to make Robin Williams look like a Wild Wild West Pogo Ball. If nothing else, we learn that men are far more logical and reasonable when they’re not busy being distracted by their bodily impulses. The King of the Moon did invent Spring, but he also gets super sprung whenever he sees his wife flirting with another man.

To make up for a lot of trauma, Terry Gilliam gives us some beautiful moments with Uma Thurman, who has officially joined the ranks of the Hindsight is Horrifying Babes. Uma, your certificate is in the mail.

Fun fact: Christopher Lambert was supposed to be in Baron Munchausen, but his wires didn’t lift him high enough to save him from being cut from this movie. We honestly have a hard time believing that anything was cut from this movie, because it went on for way too long.

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen forces us to ask ourselves: do our favorite childhood films only reign supreme in our unique senses of nostalgia? Or were they actually good? It’s still up for debate to this day, so we’re sorry for that lack of opinion for once. All we know is that you’ll injure yourself trying to shoe-horn logic into this film.

The most conclusive thought we can reach for The Adventures of Baron Munchausen is that giant fish, base-jumping horses, Time Lords with epically large noses, and mild nudity add up to a perfect 2-hour distraction for children.

What we know for certain is this: elephants might be afraid of mice, but that’s because they’ve never seen the demon that Meg tried to leave in Darth Jader’s house. Dolls make HORRIFYING house-warming gifts. You read it here first.

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The Lost Boys – Michael Michael Michael!

On our continued 80s kick, we discuss The Lost Boys, where the rules are made up and the lore doesn’t matter! On this episode, we welcome the hardest-working woman in show business, Alicen Cowan, who joins us to discuss the beginning of the reign of the two Coreys.

While we most certainly shed a few tears in mourning for the Head Vampire of character actors, Edward Herrmann, this movie makes for a fun stroll through the 80s, where the print was loud and the music was louder.

Canadian Kiefer Sutherland makes his first appearance in an American film as the Billy Idol of vampires, and we find that vampirism and douchebaggery are NOT mutually exclusive, especially when you rock pierced ears and sunglasses at night. Even having Alex Winter in your crew can’t save you from that look. 

Listeners, it doesn’t matter if you’re caught in the throes of a vampire transformation. There is ALWAYS time for blue jean sex, but not if you’re wearing your shoes in bed.

Here are some pro tips when dealing with paranormal beings:

1. When you’re dining at a friend’s house, never balk at the cuisine. Even maggots and worms can taste great when you add a little salt and pepper.
2. Melting a vampire in your bathtub is always a messy business and will wreak havoc on the indoor plumbing. 

Darth and Jason conclude that The Lost Boys eschews vampire tradition by having absolutely no solid rules about supernatural creatures, so that’s fun. In fact, the only traditional aspect of this vampire movie is its strong homoerotic vibes. To that end, shake things up and remember to vote Jason Mitchell for Head Vampire 2020. He may not be the perfect amalgam of action heroes like Edgar Frog, but he will put your tax dollars to work by reinstating tradition in vampire movies .

Lastly, The Lost Boys teaches us that it’s okay to drive impaired so long as the only thing you kill is a vampire. Grandpa doesn’t get stoned; he just has fun.

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