Hindsight is Horrifying

How the Grinch Stole Christmas. *The one with Jim Carrey*

In a magical world that exists on a snowflake…Cindy Lou Who is an antagonist! WHO knew? We’ll see ourselves out…

This week, Darth and Jason welcome brand new (and unsuspecting) guest, Alli, to discuss How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

Hindsighters, this episode forces Darth and Jason to ask … WHY HE GOTTA BE A GREEN GRINCH?!? The Whos might be impervious to gravity and concrete, but greenism still hurts.

Your favorite podcasters may never be able to solve the mystery of unsolicited racism in a children’s Christmas movie, but they cannot rest until they determine whether yak hair costumes merit torture training. Can someone get Sarah Jessica Parker on the phone? She would know.

#Hindsighters, you’ve got to love it when a 30 minute Christmas classic transforms into a 2 hour feature film with jokes about key parties and cuckolding. Sometimes, Hindsight ruins a childhood. Regardless, if you’re Jason’s neighbor, you’re certainly a sex offender, but only on Halloween.

Darth and Jason would love to distract you from this ugly Halloween truth with some lessons from life and this super “wholesome” movie:

1. Star Wars is all about perspective and carefully accepted delusion.
2. The Grinch would have LOVED Hans Gruber.
3. Cancelling plans that you made with yourself is unacceptable.

The real lesson is that we all grew up to be the Grinch. The good news is that none of us grew up to be Mike Myers in Cat in the Hat … except for Darth and Jason’s trolls. Your most hated podcasters will pray for you.

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Die Hard: “F****** California…”

Yippee-ki-yay, melon farmers! This week, Darth learned that Die Hard is based on a Roderick Thorpe novel; she also learned that Jason and Adam Brown do a good deal of their podcast research in the bathroom.

Darth would give all the bearer bonds in the world to unlearn this information.

Adam Brown joins Darth and Jason as they continue to celebrate the month of Christmas! In this 80s classic, we join the heroic John McClane as he faces down a murderous potions master and a (nearly) indestructible ballerina. John displays great creative and artistic ability when he decorates a terrorist’s sweater for Christmas before cutting his feet on a ridiculous amount of glass.

Die Hard forces your favorite podcasters to ask: What is it with Christmas movies and ear damage?!? If you don’t suffer partial/permanent hearing loss from loud blanks, then a pharmacist is slapping your ears bloody. Regardless, Christmas movies seem to feature an unusual amount of ear abuse. You may be claiming that Die Hard is not, in fact, a Christmas movie, but it is and you’re wrong.  

Regardless of your feelings about Die Hard’s Yuletide qualities, your favorite podcasters care about your safety, #Hindsighters, so remember this helpful tip: When you find yourself in a dangerous hostage situation, be sure to bump some cocaine from your shoulder pad stash before negotiating with your German kidnapper.

That’s not the only lesson to take from this Christmas classic. Upon viewing Die Hard for roughly the billionth time, Darth and Jason determined:

1. The F word has the most exquisite mouth feel of all swears
2. Karl is the Jesus of Die Hard
3. Anyone who hasn’t seen Die Hard is a communist…or a small child. Either way, they need to get their shit together

The final takeaway is that Darth Jader would NEVER leave Bruce Willis for a fancy job or a younger man, but she would absolutely walk barefoot through broken glass to have lunch with Alan Rickman. ‘Cause she’ll work hard…or die trying, girl.

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A Christmas Story: “I didn’t say ‘fudge’.”

#Hindsighters, by this point you’re well aware that Darth and Jason enjoy ruining your favorite childhood films. To that end, how could the director of Porky’s NOT be responsible for one of the most beloved Christmas movies of all time? It’s only natural to graduate from glory holes and move on to what Jason calls “the Shark Week of Christmas.”

On the very first Christmas episode of your favorite podcast, Darth, Jason, and Meg discuss one of the most nostalgic Christmas movies in the history of cinema. On the subject of nostalgia, #Hindsighters, don’t you miss the pre-Internet days of paddle spankings and soap sucking? Asking for a friend.

Despite the fact that Jason is TOTALLY Old Man Parker, your beloved podcasters have no special love for A Christmas Story. They’re lying; everyone and their mom loves this movie. Anyone who says differently is selling something, and it’s probably Ovaltine. Allow Darth and Jason to dispel the inappropriate rumor you’ve all heard about A Christmas Story: Peter Billingsley is NOT an “above average” porn star; however, Scott Schwartz may have dipped his toe into the porn pool. Regardless, don’t allow this to sour your holiday season. You can rest easy knowing that Ralphie never sold his body to the smut industry.

Beyond avoiding a career in porn, A Christmas Story taught us important life lessons:

1. Never confuse mashed potatoes with asbestos. It’s honestly safer to shoot your eye out with your favorite bb gun.
2. Sitting on a strange man’s lap is awkward, even when that strange man is Santa Clause.

Haunting your best friend is the only acceptable career option after you die.

Darth and Jason are excited to share this Christmas season with you, #Hindsighters. They wish you the happiest of holidays, filled with “Asian turkey” and Red Ryder bb guns.

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Fire in the Sky: “They took him.”

Excuse me, waiter? I’d like to order an alien movie, light on the aliens and heavy on the trucker caps.

Prepare yourselves, #Hindsighters. “Old Adam” is back, despite Darth’s vehement protestations. Your favorite podcasters apparently have no other friends. To that end, Darth and Jason have to ask: If someone can’t pass a polygraph, are they worth having as a friend? Regardless, don’t ask Jason or Adam Brown why they might have been acquitted after their own polygraph tests … they could tell you, but then they’d have to kill you.

Speaking of crimes, it’s always awkward to be accused of your best friend’s murder, especially when he’s a dumbass that you left to die in the woods because he’s attracted to pretty lights. It’s even more awkward when you have to explain this situation to James Garner and his tape recorder. Darth and Jason don’t mean to be harsh, but WHO WALKS TOWARD THE LIGHT?!?

The working theory is that Travis Walton’s Levi’s were so tight that they must have disrupted his brain function. That’s the only explanation for him going full Leeroy Jenkins towards a UFO. The lesson here is that no one wants to be probed by an alien or a parasite, so never go into the woods or a high scale condo alone. If you do find yourself in either environment, avoid wild edibles at all costs.

Darth and Jason pity the foolish alien that attempts to capture any of their Australian listeners, but in the unlikely case that you are abducted, be sure to contact Jason immediately upon your return; he doesn’t wear a bolo, but he will be there to comfort you with a Snickers and some boxer shorts.

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The Emperor’s New Groove: “BOOM, BABY!”

#Hindsighters, Darth and Jason thought they would continue to provide some palate cleansing episodes between Halloween and Christmas for your listening pleasure. Mostly, your favorite podcasters hoped they would get the awful taste of Halloweentown and Shivers out of your mouth.

The Emperor’s New Groove forces Darth and Jason to ask, which band is the Halloweentown of music?

1. Creed
2. Nickelback
3. Barenaked Ladies (this is the WRONG ANSWER)

Get excited, #Hindsighters, because our super fan, Katie has returned to discuss the beloved Disney movie where David Spade stars as…DAVID SPADE! But, you know…as a llama. Moreover, Patrick Warburton and Eartha Kitt totally steal the show as the Jack and Karen of The Emperor’s New Groove. John Goodman is supposedly still incredibly bitter about this (he was FINALLY looking forward to upstaging Roseanne).

Darth and Jason cannot stress the importance of this episode enough, listeners. Sting saves the rainforests. More importantly, Jason nearly kills a judge and discovers that John Krasinski was once Tina Turner on a show where Tom Holland now reigns supreme. While these details are shocking, no hindsight horrified Darth and Jason more than the recollection of their first guest host party, held recently at Variant Brewing. There was a precious baby animal and FAR too much discussion of marital aids; your favorite podcast hosts STRONGLY RECOMMEND skipping their next party, unless you’re they’re trolls, in which case…

Darth and Jason would be remiss if they didn’t mention the original vision of The Emperor’s New Groove. Supposedly, this film should have been the next Lion King, yet somehow wound up as the most wildly underappreciated buddy movie of all time, despite what Roger Ebert has to say. Darth and Jason will go to the mattresses on this, just not with marital aids. 

Final thoughts, you ask? You favorite hosts don’t have to think hard about that. Don’t cut Yzma’s song, and NEVER INSULT Kronk’s spinach puffs. Add some extract of llama and enjoy. BOO-YAH.

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The Princess Bride: “Anybody Want a Peanut?”

#Hindsighters, Darth normally writes her show notes with a mixture of condescension and sarcasm. She has to make an exception for this particular film, however, because it’s simply too perfect to critique. Jason throws some unexpected shade at Rob Reiner, but The Princess Bride simply cannot be touched.

Though Darth and Jason find it inconceivable that Wallace Shawn won’t repeat his most famous line from The Princess Bride for his fans, it’s comforting to know that Mandy Patinkin and Cary Elwes will quote any of their nostalgic lines as you wish.

On the subject of famous movie lines, Darth, Jason, and their special guest, Cece, have to make the argument that The Princess Bride might be the single most quotable movie of all time. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Darth’s shameless plug aside, Cary Elwes is not the only one with a vault of stories about The Princess Bride. Through their research on this episode, Darth, Jason, and Cece discovered that Fezzik and Buttercup may have been different actors entirely. They’re honestly unsure if Baby Jay Leno would approve. The casting of The Princess Bride is utterly flawless. In what other world would Columbo read you a bedtime story where Billy Crystal is a bitter wizard who loves MLTs? 

Ultimately, there simply isn’t enough praise to lavish upon the world’s most perfect story. Every man wishes for his Buttercup, every woman wishes for her Westley. As it turns out, nothing can stop true love or Cary Elwes, not even being mostly dead. 

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Aladdin – 10,000 Years Will Give You SUCH A CRICK IN THE NECK!

Welcome to the episode where our guest has such vast knowledge of the wonderful world of Disney that we couldn’t limit our discussion to just this episode’s content. Thank Variant Brewing for luring Kara to town; she traveled from out of state to drink your beer (and supposedly to guest on our podcast).

Feel free to blame our lack of focus during this episode completely on Darth; she misplaced her Aladdin VHS tape, which is the only acceptable medium for viewing this film. Subsequently, there was no movie playing while we recorded this episode, and our ADD raged out of control. However, we more than make up for our lack of direction by singing parts of your favorite songs from Aladdin.

It’s safe to say that we all remember every aspect of Aladdin, including the second song number that actually doesn’t include Robin Williams. This very song taught us at a young age that OG Madams will smack a street rat with a broom without hesitation if he disturbs her hookers.

Listeners, if you didn’t know already, you might be interested to find out that the mythical Robin Williams plays more than one character in this childhood favorite; his ability to develop and embody so many characters blows our minds to this day. 

To that end, we have to mention the incredible Jim Cummings, who is every cartoon character in every animated movie that’s ever happened. He also happens to play two different characters in Aladdin. From there, add a Disney prince who is an amalgam of Tom Cruise/Michael J. Fox and throw in a magic carpet; no wonder everyone and their mom adores this 90s classic.

Unfortunately, it’s difficult to discuss Disney without also mentioning the infamous Michael Eisner, who thought he could compare to the likes of Walt by appearing with the Muppets in his weak sauce attempt to become a household name. Psh. Freaking Eisner could never hang with the likes of the great Robin Williams. And we know you weren’t wondering, but the douche Lord Farquaad was TOTALLY based on Michael Eisner. We’re not bitter.

We realize that our discussion went all across the page in this episode, but we determined some interesting things in the process:

1. The Notre Dame projection is preferable to hologram clowns ANY DAY. Circus clowns that can disappear and reappear at will are the new waking nightmare. 
2. Kara’s husband and Jason are total drunk shoppers. How else do you wind up with a Gene Hackman portrait and more VCRs than televisions?

Listeners, we sincerely hope that you enjoyed this romp through the vibrant streets of Agrabah to Galaxy’s Edge and beyond. We know we may have frustrated you with our inability to focus on the movie, but at least you learned some fun new facts on this journey with us. If not, we couldn’t care less, and we can’t do any more damage around this popsicle stand, but you’ll always be princes to us. Made you look.

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Sleepy Hollow: “Their Heads Were Not Found Severed. Their Heads Were Not Found at All.”

Adam Sandler and Tim Burton both wear shoes. You heard it here first. You also heard the wildly disappointing rumor that Alf is inexplicably returning to television. Stay tuned for updates on this devastating possibility. Though Darth and Jason have ZERO proof, Michael Eisner is suspected.

Ichabod Crane is breathtakingly handsome in this haunting universe where mystery abounds and the Headless Horseman is simply a through line in a murderous inheritance scam.

Despite Tim Burton’s alterations to this famous folklore, Sleepy Hollow lives high up on the Alf to Seinfeld Scale. As a matter of fact, Darth and Jason value Sleepy Hollow over Beetlejuice. Deal with it. 

There is so much to love about Sleepy Hollow. We have Miranda Richardson as a colonial Bond Villain. There is the awing presence of Professor Dumbledore, Uncle Vernon, Alfred, and Principal Rooney. Tim Burton built a town from scratch and Christina Ricci makes an appearance.

Above all, Darth Jader personally appreciates these three special aspects of the film:

1. Johnny Depp.
2. Johnny Depp.
3. Johnny Depp.

Skewed preferences be damned.

The burning question about this movie remains: Did Christopher Walken or Darth Maul play the Headless Horseman better? Neither of them speak throughout the movie, but people wind up cut in half wherever Ray Park appears. Darth and Jason can’t help but admire that.

This is the final installment of our Halloween season, but don’t lost your head, #Hindsighters. More episodes to come.

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The Evil Dead: “Join Us!”

#Hindsighters, the Halloween Spooktacular continues amidst movies and shows that scare, delight, and disturb. On this particular episode, Darth and Jason join Meg and Young Adam in discussing The Evil Dead, one of the most iconic Halloween films of all time.

 “I’m an artisanal cheese maker and my husband binds books made of human flesh that he sells on Etsy. Our budget is $4.8 million.” That’s Darth and Jason’s fan theory as to how Dr. and Mrs. Knowby wound up with such a fabulously creepy cabin in the woods of Tennessee. It takes real money to ensure your home is properly haunted.

It’s all about the bizarrely chipper Deadites in this camptastic cult classic, where spirits possess innocent weekenders for reasons that simply aren’t clear. Regardless, The Evil Dead is still a better movie than Halloweentown.

Darth and Jason are avidly against reading aloud, especially when the book in your possession is penned in human blood. Of course, they realize that you can’t shoehorn logic into a film that includes tree rape. #ArborealDespoilment.

Speaking of which, The Evil Dead is infamous for several reasons, including its legendary practical effects. Where else are you going to see oatmeal and Alka-Seltzer explode from a once-human body? This movie provides visuals you never knew you needed until that first glorious time that you saw Bruce Campbell slathered in corn syrup. This film was not one of Darth’s favorites, but if you believe Meg and Young Adam (who appears in his own spooky podcast), The Evil Dead is “the quintessential Halloween movie.” Whether this film makes you want to laugh or cry, Darth and Jason are here to discuss it, so curl up beneath your favorite book shelf and “join us”.

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The Conjuring: “She’s Already Gone…and Now You’re All Gonna Die.”

What’s a violent ghost in comparison to an upside-down mortgage? In the continued exploration of what will frighten Darth to the very depths of her soul, we discuss The Conjuring, one of the highest grossing horror movies of all time.

The Conjuring takes place in a time when your diagnosis was embarrassingly published on your prescription bottle and television static still existed…

We apologize, #Hindsighters, but Darth can’t really go on with these show notes. She tried to make this movie funny, but it was simply too scary for her chicken self.

That being said, she’ll leave you with a few questions and lessons from The Conjuring:

1. Ron Livingston can beat the hell out of a copier, but not a ghost? What the hell?
2. Blindfolding the Seeker makes Hide ‘n’ Seek (and Quidditch) so much more exciting.
3. How do you create a friendly haunting?
4. Exorcisms are like horcruxes; they take a lot out of you.

The ultimate life lesson from The Conjuring, you ask? If you ever try to harm their dogs, Darth and Jason will go full Killer Whale on your ass.

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