In this life the biggest obstacle to making real, substantive, life-altering change is never a limitation of budget, or time, or opportunity. No, the biggest obstacle to change in your life is always you. Specifically, it’s the way you see your situation, the way you define your situation, the way you approach your situation. And I’m not singling you out. We’re all in the same boat. When it comes to change we’re all, more than anything or anyone else, standing in our own way.

If any single truth has become clearer to me as I’ve grown older it’s this: We do not see the world as it is, we see it as we are. There’s a principle in physics known as the Observer Effect that describes how, on the most fundamental levels, we cannot help but disturb the thing we’re trying to observe and therefore the act of observing alters the results of the observation. If that sounds confusing, it is, but it’s also true. Let’s just think about checking your tire pressure. You want to know how much pressure is in the tire so you grab a gauge and pop it on the valve stem but in doing so a little air hisses out which of course has just changed the pressure of your tire. That’s a simple version of the Observer Effect. Now expand that truth into your larger life and you’ll discover that when you seek after a thing what you end up finding depends on how you sought it. You find something tainted by your own assumptions. You find your own looking.

There’s an old builder proverb, “To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” Take time to unpack it and you’ll find it has a lot to say about our bias, about our small-mindedness and the prejudices it creates, and most importantly … about the dangers of acting from a poverty of options. It’s deceiving because the man with only a hammer knows how to use it extremely well. We could even go so far as to call him an expert. But if he doesn’t find more understanding, more perspective, more tools for his toolbox, then that man is going to use the hammer to do what it wasn’t designed to do. He will damage the world out of a desire to fix it. The problem is not the hammer. The problem is the way he sees the problem, because to him everything looks like a nail. Because he does not see the thing itself. He sees his own looking.

So, you want to change your patio? Your house? Your life? Well, like I always tell you, design matters most. But let’s be clear about what that really means. If the Observer Effect is a real thing—which it is—and your limitations are a real thing—which they are—then the thing which needs redesigning first is not the house but you. Your way of seeing it is what’s standing in its way. Which means instead of rushing to pick up your hammer to once again pound away at what you think is a nail, take time to do the really hard work of seeing things differently, thinking new thoughts, asking new questions, listening to new answers. If you want to change your world or, better yet, change yourself, then find the courage and the humility to get out of your own way. Ask more questions. Then ask questions of your questions.

Life is a mystery my friend. Ask bigger questions—mostly of yourself—and be open to more than just the most familiar, the most expected, the most comfortable answers. Who knows, you might just crack the case. You might suddenly see a different way to build a new patio, or a new you. Then, put as many tools as you can find into your toolbox, and get busy building yourself a beautiful life.