How to Survive

It's episode 95... and It hasn't got a name. It's a new system. I wanted us all to discover it! No one's ever been down here before.

The Descent (2005) tells the story of a group of women who travel deep into an underground cave system in the name of adventure. As is the way with horror movies, they become trapped, and soon begin to realise that they might not be alone...

We wonder at length why anyone would want to go into a narrow cave; we bring advice to the caving world from the world of water activities; and we continue to wonder at length why anyone would want to go into a narrow cave.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

[Sarah is trapped in a tunnel and Beth is trying to calm her down with a joke]

Hey, you love this one, "How do you give a lemon an orgasm?" You tickle its citrus!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 94... and the future's not set. There's no fate but what we make for ourselves...

Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991) tells the story of John Connor, the son of Sarah Connor. John is the fresh target of Skynet's time-travelling Terminator unit, but help comes from an unexpected source.

We talk about the benefits of simply ignoring the effects of your sedatives; the thin line between being too insane for prison, but just sane enough for a mental asylum; and the benefits of 'Divide and Conquer' (particularly when fighting against a single enemy).

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

I know now why you cry. But it's something I can never do.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 93... and look on my works ye might, and despair...

Alien: Covenant (2017) tells the story of a group of space colonists travelling from earth to their new planet. On the way, their ship becomes damaged. Receiving a distorted signal from a nearby Earth-like planet, they decide to investigate, but they soon get more than they bargained for...

We talk about the benefits of wearing helmet, space suit and breathing apparatus during space exploration; the merits of having crew members who don't need to wear helmets, space suits and breathing apparatus during space exploration; and we make a strong case for using any type of interrogation to verify someone's identity.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

Nobody understands the lonely perfection of my dreams...

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 92... and we just made the international sign of the donut...

Mars Attacks (1996) tells the story of an ensemble cast of politicians, soldiers, scientists, tv hosts and donut shop workers, as they fight back against attackers... from Mars!

We talk about how lucky we are to live in a world where Slim Whitman's hit 'Indian Love Call' can be played with three seconds notice; how the best defence is a good offence; and how easily the scientific method can be forgotten in place of positivity.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

All green of skin... 800 centuries ago, their bodily fluids include the birth of half-breeds. For the fundamental truth self-determination of the cosmos, for dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 91... and statistical probability of survival just went up to fifty-three per cent.

Jason X (2001) tells the story of Jason Voorhees, the undead, unkillable monster who kills teenagers near a lake. Except now they've taken him away from the lake and put him on a spaceship. So now he's killing teenagers in space.

No, really...

We talk about the benefits of a well-lit combat environment; the importance of remembering your magical abilities of possession in combat situations; and the strangest but most effective robot upgrades on the market.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

You're lucky you weren't alive during the Microsoft conflict. Hell, we were beating each other with our own severed limbs.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 90... and why did it have to be snakes?

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) tells the story of Indiana Jones, a world-renowned archaeologist, who spends his free time raiding tombs hunting for lost treasure. Jones is happy with his lot in life, until two spies from the US Intelligence Service inform him that the Nazis have begun searching for the mysterious 'Ark of the Covenant', which is said to make any army who holds it immortal.

Now Jones is in a race against time (and the Nazis) to find the ark, get the girl and save the world!

We talk about the the virtue of knowing when to say 'no' to dangerous missions, the importance of back-up on dangerous missions, and for the first time ever: A Choose Your Own Survival in glorious surround-sound.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

You and I are very much alike. Movie Survival is our religion, yet we have both fallen from the pure faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 89... and my name is The How to Survive Podcast. The purpose of today's experiment is to prove the object behind me is responsible for at least 45 deaths in the 4 centuries of it's recorded existence.

Oculus (2013) tells the story of Kaylie and Tim Russell. A decade ago, their parents were killed in mysterious circumstances, and Tim was blamed. Now, years on, they are reunited and set out to get their revenge on the real culprit: a haunted mirror!

We talk about the benefits of blaming any criminal activity on temporary mental illness; the advantages of knowing when to let go; and how technology can be used to plan the destruction of haunted furnishings.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

I've met my demons and they are many. I've seen the devil, and he is me.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 88... and I miss my f*cking dog. Goodnight.

Life (2017) tells the story of the crew of the International Space Station. After successfully intercepting a soil sample, sent from Mars, the team begin analysing a dormant single-cell lifeform. Before long, the cell has come to life, and before much longer the single cell has evolved into something much more deadly...

We talk about the appropriate risk analysis when you're an astronaut aboard the ISS; the importance of clear and comprehensive communication aboard the ISS; and the benefits of kindness towards all things aboard the ISS.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

Goodnight Air.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 87... and the guns are out...

Free Fire (2017) tells the story of an arms deal gone wrong. On one side, a group of IRA terrorists, on the other, a swindling South African and his associates. After some bad blood between the group re-emerges, it's not long before both sides are locked into an all-out gunfight - as each individual battles to make it out alive.

We talk about the appropriate clothing to wear to a gunfight; the benefits of streamlining your deceit; and the difficulties of keeping count when under heavy stress.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

Cardboard armour is protection from infection.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 86... and a the worst sequel to Meet the Parents yet...

Get Out (2017) tells the story of Chris, a young black man who is visiting his white girlfriend's parents for the first time. Once at their secluded home, Chris passes off their overly accomodating behaviour as awkward friendliness, but as the visit wears on, he begins to realise everything is not as it seems.

We talk about the importance of calling out racism wherever you see it; the difficulties of taking photographs using only natural light; and just how essential it is not to be hypnotised when someone is obviously hypnotising you.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

I would have voted for Obama for a third term.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.