I went to Puerto Vallarta for Grief Week from February 16 to 24. This week is to honour our mom and dad and their death anniversaries. Dead Dad Day is February 18th, and Dead Mom Day is February 23rd.

It was intentional. Sacred. A container for reflection. The kind of trip where you think, This is where I’ll exhale.

Instead, the day before Dead Mom Day, there was a cartel flare-up.

Shelter in place.Flights cancelled.Group chats and social media lighting up.That familiar buzz in the chest that says, Something is not right.

It was not relaxing.

And what struck me most was not the external chaos. It was what happened inside my body.

Because even when you teach resilience.Even when you understand nervous system regulation.Even when you have the tools.

Your body still responds.

What Happens to Your Nervous System During a Crisis?

When a threat, real or perceived, appears, your autonomic nervous system activates survival mode. This is commonly known as the fight-or-flight response.

The amygdala signals danger.Cortisol and adrenaline surge.Your heart rate increases.Your digestion slows.Your thinking narrows.

According to the American Psychological Association, acute stress triggers a cascade of hormonal responses designed to protect you in moments of danger. The problem is not activation. The problem is when activation lingers after the threat has passed.

And that is what people rarely talk about.

The hangover.

The Fight or Flight Hangover Is Real

We sheltered in place. We waited. We monitored updates. My flight home was cancelled (and finally rebooked for SEVEN days later - which was unacceptable).

On paper, we were fine.

But my nervous system did not get the memo.

The next morning, I felt wired and exhausted. Snappy and tender. Hyper-aware of every sound. My body was heavy, but my mind would not settle.

That is the fight-or-flight hangover.

Research published by Harvard Health explains that while the immediate stress response may end, cortisol levels and nervous system activation can remain elevated for hours or days. This is why you can feel shaky, irritable, fatigued, or emotionally raw even after you are technically safe.

Your body ran a marathon.It just did not tell you.

Grief + Stress = Amplified Response

Layer in the fact that this happened the day before Dead Mom Day.

Five years without my mom.A day that already holds weight.A nervous system already sensitized by loss.

Grief lowers our threshold for stress. Studies from Columbia University have shown that bereavement can dysregulate the stress response system, making us more reactive to future stressors. It’s like I had already broken the emotional regulation seal and was now hyper-responsive to threats.

So when the flare-up happened, it was not just about the present moment.

It was every past moment my body has stored.

This is how trauma works. It stacks.

The Unexpected Regulator: Human Kindness

What regulated me was not control.

It was people.

The hotel staff who reassured us.The strangers who shared updates.The friend who checked and found rescue flights for me.The calm voice on the phone.The Oreo cheesecake.

Connection is one of the fastest ways to downshift a dysregulated nervous system.

Cues of safety through human connection can move us from sympathetic activation and fight-or-flight into ventral vagal safety and social engagement.

In plain language?

Kindness helps to calm the body.

I did not get home because I powered through.I got home because people showed up.

How to Regulate After a Crisis

If you have ever experienced a stressful event and then felt strangely off afterward, here is what your nervous system needs:

* Do not judge the crash. The fatigue, irritability, tears, and brain fog. This is biology, not weakness.

* Prioritize basic regulation. Hydrate. Eat consistently. Sleep. Gentle movement. These are not luxuries. They are nervous system repair.

* Slow your breathing. Lengthen your exhale. Even five minutes of slow breathing can reduce sympathetic activation.

* Seek safe connection. Call someone who feels steady. Co-regulation is powerful.

* Name what happened. Your nervous system integrates experience through story. Say it out loud. Write it down. Make meaning.

Recovery from acute stress is supported by social support, sleep, and gradual re-engagement with normal routines.

In other words, softness helps.

Once I made it home after many flights, I slept a lot. I focused on the tools above. I put in the work to bring myself into a “rest and digest” state.

Resilience Is Not the Absence of Activation

I talk about strengthening your resilience muscle all the time.

But resilience does not mean you do not get activated.

It means you know how to come back.

In Puerto Vallarta, my body did exactly what it was designed to do. It protected me.

And when it was time to stand down, it needed care.

It needed compassion.It needed community.It needed time.

That is nervous system regulation.

Not perfection.Not pretending you are fine.Not powering through.

It is noticing when your body is still bracing. And gently reminding it, we are safe now (once you are actually safe).

If you are in your own fight or flight hangover, I want you to hear this:

There is nothing wrong with you.Your nervous system is doing its job.And you are allowed to recover.

Especially on the hard anniversaries.Especially when the world feels unpredictable.Especially when you are carrying grief.

Resilience is not about never being shaken.

It is about learning how to steady yourself, again and again, with support.

And sometimes, the most regulating thing in the world is a stranger who helps you get home.

Let’s navigate your grief together,

XX Blair

P.S. Did you know that on March 7th, our next book is being published? SAVE THE DATE and get ready to be inspired by real humans who shared their journeys of resilience in RESILIENT A.F.: Stories of Resilience Volume 3.

P.P.S. Looking for grief and resilience support? Book a free 30-minute call with me HERE.

Where’s Blair?

March 5-10, New York City, NY

Resilient A.F.: Stories of Resilience Volume 3 book launch with a billboard in Times Square on Saturday, March 7th. Want to tune in? We will have a link to the livestream and details COMING SOON.

March 10-13, Los Angelas, CA

I will be putting on my Public Relations hat and working with Heather Marianna at 'A Toast to Hollywood, the premier celebrity gifting lounge of Oscar Awards Week. If you are in LA and want to connect, please reach out to me personally.

April 5-11, Bali, Indonesia

I will be co-facilitating the Bali Grief Trip alongside Rachel from Happy Grieving. There are still a few spaces if you want to join us.

May 3-5, La Le Jeune, BC

Join me, Stacey and Simone this May at the Regulated Retreat.

I’m stoked to be speaking at Regulated, a three-day nervous system reset retreat for people who are done surviving and ready to feel steady again because most of us don’t need more motivation, we need regulation. And that’s what makes this experience different.

This retreat blends nervous system science, movement, nature, and honest conversation to help your body downshift and reset.

I’m honoured to be part of this experience and would love to share it with you!

August 23-29, Porto, Portugal

I will be co-facilitating the Portugal Grief Trip alongside Rachel from Happy Grieving. There is still room for you. Learn more and book your spot!

How We Navigate Grief is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit howwenavigategrief.substack.com/subscribe

Does time have wings?

Because how has it been five years since my mom, Sharon, suddenly died?

One moment she was fine.The next, we were told she had two weeks left to live.Three days later, she was gone.

Make it make sense.

How does a life end that quickly and yet grief stretch on forever?How can five years feel like five minutes and five lifetimes at the same time?

Today, February 23, is Dead Mom Day.

And today, we honour Sharon.

Grief and Time: Why It Feels So Distorted After Loss

If you have ever lost someone suddenly, you know this truth: grief bends time.

Neuroscience shows us that trauma and intense emotional experiences are encoded differently in the brain. Time stops in moments of shock. Then, somehow, the calendar keeps flipping.

You blink and five years have passed.

You blink and you are still in that hospital room.

Both are true.

When my mom died just after turning 62, my nervous system went into survival mode. And when we are in survival mode, we are not tracking time the way we used to. We are tracking safety. We are tracking meaning. We are tracking how to make it through the next hour.

That is why anniversaries hit the body before they hit the mind.

Your cells remember.

Who My Mom Was

Sharon was pride and work ethic wrapped up in a petite, powerful human.

She was the woman who believed in me when my ideas were big and my bank account was small. She was the one who said, “You’ve got this,” even when I absolutely did not got this.

She loved us fiercely.

She worked hard for decades as a dental hygienist. She showed up. She hustled. She took care of people. She was funny in that dry, subtle way that catches you off guard. She was proud of her daughters. She made sure we knew it.

And then, just like that, she was gone.

No long goodbye.No years to prepare.Just a three-week whirlwind and a silence that still echoes.

Five Years Later: What We Built From the Broken Pieces

Mom, you would be so proud.

From the broken pieces of our life, we built something extraordinary.

We built a global movement.

We created the Navigating Grief Framework to help people move through loss in a structured but flexible way. Because grief is not linear. It never was.

We launched podcasts where people tell the stories they were too scared to tell.

We created books and a social enterprise.

We built a clothing line that reminds people they are resilient.

We have helped millions of people strengthen their resilience muscles.

This idea of the resilience muscle, the invisible muscle that runs through every fiber of our being, was born out of my own devastation. I spoke about it on the TEDx stage , but I learned it in hospital rooms and funeral homes.

I did not bounce back.

I bounced forward.

That is the difference.

How Time Changes Grief

In year one, grief was loud.It screamed. It hijacked. It suffocated.

In year two, it was heavy.It sat beside me at dinner.

In year three, it surprised me.It showed up in grocery stores and sunsets.

In year four, it softened.It became more love than panic.

In year five, it is woven into me.

Grief does not disappear. It integrates.

Time does not heal all wounds.But time gives us space to carry them differently.

Through the Navigating Grief Framework, I teach five pillars:

* Grounding in the present

* Resilience muscle rituals and routines

* Introspection for understanding

* Engagement with support systems

* Forward movement

Five years later, I can see how I have lived each one.

Not perfectly.Not gracefully.But honestly.

Why Anniversaries Matter

Anniversaries are not about reopening wounds.

They are about honouring love.

Dead Mom Day is not just about how she died.It is about how she lived.

It is about the Bank of Sharon.It is about her pride.It is about her stubborn daughters who turned heartbreak into purpose.

When we mark anniversaries, we are telling our nervous systems:This mattered.She mattered.I matter.

And that is powerful.

If You Are Grieving Today

If you are approaching an anniversary and thinking, How has it been this long?

You are not broken.

Your brain and body are doing exactly what they are wired to do.

Here is what I invite you to do today:

* Say their name out loud.

* Share one story about them.

* List three things you are grateful for from the past 24 hours.

* Remind yourself that moving forward does not mean leaving them behind.

Time may have wings.

But love has roots. Deep roots.

Five years later, my mom is not physically here.

But she is in the framework.She is in the movement.She is in the resilience muscle of every person who strengthens theirs.

Today we honour Sharon.

And forever, we keep bouncing forward.

Let’s navigate your grief together,

XX Blair

P.S. If someone you loved died, tell me about them. Say their name. Share it in the comments below and tell me what you loved most about them.

P.P.S. Looking for grief and resilience support? Book a free 30-minute call with me HERE.

Where’s Blair?

Join me, Stacey and Simone this May at the Regulated Retreat.

I’m stoked to be speaking at Regulated, a three-day nervous system reset retreat for people who are done surviving and ready to feel steady again because most of us don’t need more motivation, we need regulation. And that’s what makes this experience different.

This retreat blends nervous system science, movement, nature, and honest conversation to help your body downshift and reset.

I’m honoured to be part of this experience and would love to share it with you!

How We Navigate Grief is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit howwenavigategrief.substack.com/subscribe

Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky…. or something like that.

It still gets me every time I think about it. The sheer, staggering privilege of it.

I walk onto a metal tube. I sit. I wait. And then… I’m elsewhere. Another continent unfolds beneath the wing. The science of it is a miracle. The access to it is a gift I try never to take for granted.

As I type this, I’m suspended between Vancouver and Hong Kong. The world below is a silent sea of cotton-balled clouds. I find myself wondering: Is this the view my parents have now, wherever they are? Just… chilling, on some eternal, sun-drenched ledge? The thought doesn’t bring sadness today. It brings a quiet, expansive closeness.

It’s peaceful up here.

How We Navigate Grief is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

A brutal, beautiful, temporary pause from the noise. The news cycle, the media spin, the health updates, the low-grade hum of collective anxiety, all of it, left at 35,000 feet. I am, for these fourteen hours, unreachable.

My phone is in airplane mode. The world is on mute.

And I have to ask: why is that state so desperately, deeply delicious?

Did I architect a life that requires my attention to splinter in seven directions at once? Or am I just playing a perpetual game of emotional Frogger, dodging not cars, but bad news and heartbreak for myself and the people I love?

Whatever the reason, the escape hatch is this: a pressurized cabin, a window seat, and the enforced solitude of a long-haul flight.

There is nothing I can do here but be present.

And “presence” is my word for the year: To be where my feet are. To slow the hell down and embrace life as it is, not as I fear it might become. (Spoiler: It’s hard. So hard.)

So here’s my in-flight ritual, this time: I binged season one of Shameless (Shameless, fittingly, is my current co-pilot). I meditate. I do word searches (an app, a physical book, I’m committed). I wait for the melatonin to kick in (the natural choice, because NyQuil makes me a confused, groggy mess). I eat the Biscoff cookies because, obviously. I stand up and move my body. Stretch. Make small chat with whoever is around me.

And sometimes, I write. Like now.

For these hours, I am not a CEO, a strategist, a daughter, a coach or a caregiver. I am a woman in seat 14K, up above the world so high (with a slight melatonin buzz and buttery cookie crumbs on her tray table), practicing what I preach: presence.

This is my reminder to you, wherever you are:

Your peace is waiting. It might be on the ground, above the clouds, under the water, or deep within the fortress of your own heart. But it’s there.

You just have to slow down enough to find it. You have to build, or seize, your own version of being unreachable.

The gratitude I feel in this moment is immense. It’s a tidal wave.

Gratitude for the life I get to live, in quiet honour of those who cannot.

For the small, daily victories over grief and the management of intrusive thoughts.

And for you. For this community. For the sacred act of you reading these words, which completes the circuit and brings them to life.

Now, tell me: Where do you find your “unreachable” peace? Comment below because your answer may influence someone else’s peace.

Let’s navigate your grief together,

XX Blair

P.S. If this resonated, share it with someone who needs permission to slow down. And if you’re new here, welcome. You can subscribe for more raw, real moments like this, straight to your inbox.

How We Navigate Grief is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit howwenavigategrief.substack.com/subscribe

Medication can make the world go round.Medication will keep me here.Medication can be the thin, unglamorous thread holding the fabric of my existence together.

I’m not being poetic for effect. I’m being literal.

There are pills in my life that help my brain fire properly, my hormones stay somewhat cooperative, my nervous system calm the hell down, and my body do what it needs to do so I can wake up, work, love, create, grieve, and keep choosing tomorrow.

And I am deeply, unapologetically grateful for them.

I love my meds.

I love that we live in a time where I don’t have to raw-dog life with a dysregulated nervous system and a brain that likes to sprint into existential dread before breakfast. I love that science, medicine, and doctors exist. I love that I don’t have to white-knuckle my way through my own chemistry.

How We Navigate Grief is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

If you are unmedicated and thriving, I salute you. Truly. If you are unmedicated and suffering, this is your gentle reminder that seeking help is not a sign of weakness. It is resilience.

If you are medicated and quietly ashamed, pull up a chair. You’re my people.

Here is what currently helps hold me together, prescribed, supported, and supervised by my doctor, because this part matters.

* Zoloft, for my brain when it forgets that not every thought is an emergency.

* Progesterone, because hormones are powerful little saboteurs, and it helps manage my endometriosis symptoms.

* Methylphenidate, morning and midday, because focus is not a moral virtue. My ADHD is a superpower and also an enemy.

* A nightly antihistamine, because my immune system is dramatic.

* An IUD, because reproductive health is health. And it helps my endometriosis.

* A GLP-1, because metabolic support is not a character flaw. My substance addiction was replaced with food addiction, and it was exacerbated during grief. This helps quiet the food noise, sugar binges and addictive tendencies.

Then there’s the supporting cast, which is always evolving. Right now it’s:

* Fish oil.

* Magnesium.

* A multivitamin.

* Oil of oregano.

* Betadine, because my body likes a little backup.

This is not a confession. This is a survival inventory.

At different points in my life, medication has been the thing that kept me from exiting this planet too early. Not because I wanted to die, but because living felt too heavy without support. Medication didn’t erase my grief. It didn’t solve my trauma. It didn’t magically make life easy.

What it did was give me enough stability to stay.

Enough space between thought and action.Enough quiet to sleep.Enough regulation to feel, rather than implode.Enough ground under my feet to do the deeper work.

And that matters.

We talk a lot about resilience as if it were sheer willpower. As if strength means pushing through without help. As if asking for chemical support somehow invalidates your coping skills, your therapy, your growth.

That is nonsense.

Resilience is not about suffering harder. It is about staying alive and healing. It is about using every tool available to you, including medication, therapy, boundaries, rest, community, and yes, pills.

Being on medication does not mean you failed at self-care. It means you took it seriously.

It means you listened to your body instead of shaming it. It means you chose evidence over ego. It means you opted out of martyrdom.

I know there are people who whisper about meds like they are a dirty secret. Like they are something you eventually grow out of. Like the goal is to be off everything and somehow “pure.”

I don’t want purity. I want presence. I wanta function. I want to be here.

Some seasons require medication forever. Some require it for now. Some people will never need it. None of these paths is superior.

The only wrong choice is letting shame keep you from support.

* If medication helps you get out of bed, take it.

* If medication helps you not fall into a shame spiral of depression or anything else, take it.

* If medication helps you stay alive, take it loudly and without apology.

You are not weak for needing help. You are wise for accepting it.

And if you are reading this while silently tallying your own pills, supplements, or prescriptions, wondering if you are “too much” or “too broken,” let me say this clearly.

You are not broken. You are human. And you deserve to stay.

If this resonated, you’re not alone. I talk openly about grief, mental health, resilience, and what it actually takes to keep going on my Substack, podcast, social media and over coffee. No toxic positivity. No pretending. Just real conversations for people who are doing their best to stay on the planet.

This is me, held together by science, self-awareness, and a deep commitment to choosing tomorrow.

One pill, one breath, one day at a time.

Let’s navigate your grief together,

XX Blair

P.S. I’m not a doctor, and this isn’t meant to be medical advice. This is the honest truth about my life. If this post sparked something in you, make an appointment with a medical professional to discuss your symptoms and how to manage and treat them.

How We Navigate Grief is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit howwenavigategrief.substack.com/subscribe

I have always loved to travel.New people. New places. New conversations. New versions of myself.

For most of my life, I thought that made me adventurous.

What I did not realize until much later was that I was also very good at not being home.

Home was where the hard stuff lived. Abandonment. Anger. Anxiety. The quiet grief of a family that broke apart long before anyone explained why.

Before I was old enough to book flights, summer camp was my escape. An island. A long drive and boat ride away from my real life. A place where my nervous system could finally exhale. I did not have language for mental health back then, but my body knew. My body always knew.

I learned independence early. I learned fearlessness, too. Sometimes to my own detriment.

Travel became my coping strategy long before it became my passion.

When escape becomes a habit

During the pandemic, something unexpected happened. The world stopped moving and so did I.

And instead of panicking, I felt something unfamiliar. Peace.

Shayne and I had built a home that did not require escaping. A life that felt safe enough to sit still inside. For the first time, I realized that my constant motion had not just been curiosity. It had been avoidance.

That realization mattered more than any stamp in my passport. Because once you see a pattern, you cannot unsee it.

How We Navigate Grief is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

When grief reactivates the flight response

After my parents died, during a global pandemic, borders reopened, and my nervous system went straight back to what it knew best.

Run.

My parents were gone.My husband almost died.The person I once was died.

Grief does not always look like crying on the floor. Sometimes it looks like booking flights and calling it purpose.

I traveled. A lot.

I went on what I like to call my “Seek. Play. Slay” trip. I helped open a children’s center for at-risk youth in Ghana. I tracked gorillas in Uganda. I attended a business event and travelled through Croatia. Five weeks away. Constant motion. Big meaning. Bigger distraction. A lot of time to think.

And then something cracked.

Without my routine. Without my familiar environment. Without my usual coping mechanisms, my grief surfaced. Hard. Unfiltered. Relentless.

And also, necessary.

What held me through that unravelling was not the places themselves. It was the people. The conversations. The moments of shared humanity with strangers who knew nothing about my story and somehow understood it anyway.

Travel stopped being how I avoided my grief. It became how I met it.

What grief trips actually do

A grief trip is not a vacation. It is not about pretending you are fine somewhere prettier.

Grief trips work because they interrupt your patterns.

They remove you from autopilot.They take you out of the environments that reinforce survival mode.They introduce novelty, which gently forces your nervous system to pay attention.

When done intentionally, grief trips support healing in ways that staying put sometimes cannot.

They help you ground yourself in the present.They build your resilience muscle through new routines and rituals.They create space for introspection without constant reminders of who you used to be.They foster connection with people who meet you as you are, not as who you were before loss.They allow forward movement without demanding closure.

In other words, they naturally support every pillar of how we navigate grief.

Why distance can create clarity

When you leave your daily life behind, grief does not disappear. It gets clearer.

You notice what you miss and what you do not. You feel what has been numbed out by routine. You hear yourself think again.

There is something deeply healing about being witnessed in your grief by people who have no expectations of your recovery timeline.

No history.No pressure.No roles to perform.

Just presence.

Grief trips are not about running away

They are about running toward something different.

A different perspective.A different pace.A different relationship with your pain.

Travel will not heal you by itself. But it can create the conditions where healing becomes possible.

It did for me.

What once helped me cope eventually helped me heal.

And that is why grief trips matter.

Not because they fix anything.But because they give you enough space to feel what needs to be felt, and enough distance to imagine who you are becoming next.

If you are navigating grief and feel stuck in survival mode, it may not be more productivity or more therapy or more willpower that you need.

It might simply be space.

Sometimes, leaving is how you learn how to stay.

I will be co-facilitating a Maldives Grief Trip in February, a Bali Grief Trip in April and a Portugal Grief Trip in August. Curious? Check out grieftrips.com and join me and Rachel.

Let’s navigate your grief together,

XX Blair

P.S. Journal prompt: Where have you always wanted to travel, and what do you need to do to make that trip happen?

How We Navigate Grief is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit howwenavigategrief.substack.com/subscribe

Grief does not always arrive with death. Sometimes it arrives through absence, inconsistency, or a moment that quietly marks an ending you are too young to name.

I was seven years old when my parents divorced. At that age, you do not understand adult decisions, addiction, or emotional distance. You understand one thing. Someone you love is suddenly gone.

All I wanted was my dad.

His addiction took over his life. He sold his business and left our family, with no explanation to me. I concluded that he no longer loved me because I hardly saw him. I would beg him to spend time with him. For him to show up for me. And one day, that happened.

How We Navigate Grief is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Why small moments with an absent parent matter so much

When my dad and his new girlfriend, Julie, got a new apartment, it felt monumental. I was finally allowed to sleep over at my dad’s house - something that I didn’t think would ever be possible. This was not just a sleepover. It was proof. Proof that I still mattered. Proof that I still belonged somewhere with him.

My dad told me we were going to the all-night skate at the local roller rink.

To a child who loved roller skating and was objectively terrible at it, this felt like a dream. Roller skating was joy without skill. Wobbly confidence. Blind optimism. The belief that wanting something badly enough could hold you upright. And the only thing that really mattered was that I was spending time with my dad.

What happened at the all-night roller skate?

The rink was loud and sticky and alive. Disco lights spun. Wheels clacked. Kids flew past me like they had secret instructions for balance that I never received.

Within a few laps, gravity made its point. I fell hard.

The pain came a moment after the shock. Sharp. Immediate. Undeniable.

I remember skating over to my dad, in pain. I was not okay.

Julie brought me cotton candy and ice, which felt like a very adult attempt to fix something that could not be fixed. We went to the emergency room. X-rays confirmed it. A broken arm. A cast. A sling that felt far too big for my small body.

Why that night still matters decades later

That night, I slept on my back, arm propped up, uncomfortable in every possible way.

And I was smiling.

I had the biggest smile on my face.

Because my dad stayed. Because he was there. Because we had gone to the all-night skate. Because I was not waiting by a door that never opened. I was not doing laps around disappointment. For one night, I was chosen.

It was the best night.

It was also the last time I ever slept at my dad’s place.

How grief can begin without death

I did not know it then, but grief had already entered my life.

Not loudly. Not dramatically. Quietly.

Grief arrived wrapped in cotton candy and hospital bracelets. It arrived in the realization that something precious had already ended, even though no one had died. The dad that I had before the divorce was no longer. The dad I had before addiction took over his life, no longer existed.

This is how early grief often shows up in children. As a before and an after. As a moment that feels perfect and fragile at the same time. As love that exists, but does not last.

What this story teaches about childhood grief

For years, that night lived in my body as both comfort and loss. Proof that love was real. Proof that it could disappear without warning.

Grief taught me early that joy does not guarantee permanence. That being held does not mean you will not be left. Those moments can be beautiful and fleeting at the same time.

I did not have language for it then. I only had the memory of falling, breaking, being taken care of, and sleeping peacefully because my dad was nearby.

How this memory reshaped my understanding of grief

Looking back now, I can name it.

That night was grief in its earliest form. Not the grief of death, but the grief of realizing that connection can come and go. The grief of learning how to miss someone who is still alive.

And still, I am grateful.

Because grief did not only take something from me that night. It also showed me how deeply I could feel. How much love mattered. How one imperfect, painful, beautiful night can carry you for a lifetime.

That night still lives in me.

Cast. Sling. Smile.

And the quiet knowing that love, even when it does not last, still counts.

Let’s navigate your grief together,

XX Blair

P.S. Download the Navigating Grief Framework here, and use it to help you strengthen your resilience muscle.

P.P.S. I lead a grief group for Sharewell almost every Tuesday at 5pm PT. Join us and try out ShareWell Pro for FREE.

How We Navigate Grief is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit howwenavigategrief.substack.com/subscribe

For most of my life, effort was my coping mechanism.

If something hurt, I worked harder.If something scared me, I stayed busy.If something broke my heart, I built something beautiful on top of it and called that healing.

And for a long time, that strategy worked. Or at least, it worked well enough to fool me.

I built companies. I launched projects. I showed up for everyone. I checked every box that society rewards when it comes to “being strong.” It was productive grief. High functioning grief. The kind that people praise.

But grief has a way of pulling the rug out from under even the most disciplined overachiever.

The moment I realized I couldn’t outwork my grief wasn’t dramatic. There was no breakdown on the kitchen floor. No single explosive event.

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It was quieter than that.

I was exhausted in a way sleep didn’t fix.I was successful in a way that felt hollow.I was surrounded by people and still felt painfully alone inside my own body.

I remember thinking, “Why isn’t this getting easier? I’m doing everything right.”

That was the problem.

I was treating grief like a to do list.

I was approaching loss with the same mindset I used to grow a business. Hustle through it. Optimize it. Power past it. Keep moving.

Grief does not respond to productivity.

Grief responds to presence.

That realization cracked something open in me. And it forced a change.

When Hustle Stops Working

You cannot override grief with discipline.You cannot silence it with success.You cannot outpace it by staying busy.

Grief lives in the nervous system, not the calendar.

I see this pattern constantly in my coaching work. Leaders. Entrepreneurs. Caregivers. People who are brilliant at holding everything together while quietly unravelling inside.

They tell me things like:

* “I don’t have time to fall apart.”

* “I’ll deal with it later.”

* “Other people have it worse.”

Grief hears all of that and waits.

It waits until the body says enough.

For me, that “enough” showed up as emotional numbness, chronic tension, irritability, and a deep sense of disconnection from myself. I wasn’t falling apart. I was disappearing.

That was the moment something had to change.

Resilience Is Not Pushing Through

This is where the Navigating Grief Framework stopped being a concept and became a lifeline for me.

Specifically, the R.

R is for Resilience Muscle Rituals and Routines.

This is the part of grief work most people skip because it feels too slow, too soft, or too inconvenient for a busy life.

But resilience is not built by powering through pain. It is built by tending to it consistently.

Resilience rituals are not grand gestures. They are small, repeatable acts that tell your nervous system, “I am safe enough to feel.”

For me, that looked like:

* Letting emotions exist without immediately trying to fix them.

* Creating daily practices that regulated my body, not just my mind.

* Allowing grief to take up space instead of treating it like an interruption.

This was a radical shift for someone who had built an identity around competence and capability.

But here is what surprised me.

When I stopped fighting my grief, it softened.

Not all at once. Not neatly. But enough that I could breathe again.

Enough that I could feel without drowning.

Enough that I could move forward without abandoning myself.

You Are Not Broken, You Are Unprocessed

If any part of this resonates, I want you to hear this clearly.

There is nothing wrong with you because your grief has not resolved itself on a timeline.

You are not failing at healing.You are not weak because you are tired.You are not behind.

You are human.

And grief requires relationship, not resistance.

The moment you stop asking, “How do I get rid of this?” and start asking, “How do I be with this?” everything changes.

That is the work I do now. And it is why I do it.

I do not help people eliminate grief. I help them build the capacity to live alongside it without losing themselves.

That is resilience. Not bouncing back. Bouncing forward with honesty, regulation, and self trust.

If You Are Ready for Something Different

If you are reading this and recognizing yourself, the one who has been holding it all together for far too long, I want you to know you do not have to do this alone.

Coaching is where we slow things down enough to listen to what your grief has been trying to say beneath the noise of productivity. It is where we build resilience rituals that actually fit your life instead of adding more pressure to it.

You can learn more about working with me here: blairkaplan.ca

You do not need to outwork your grief.

You need space, support, and the right tools.

And you are allowed to choose that now.

Let’s navigate your grief together,

XX Blair

P.S. Download the Navigating Grief Framework here, and use it to help you strengthen your resilience muscle.

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Resilience after loss does not look like bouncing back.It does not look like “being strong.”It does not look like getting over it, moving on, or tying your pain up in a pretty bow so other people feel more comfortable around you.

And if one more person tells you how “well you’re handling it,” you have my full permission to scream internally. Or externally. I’m not here to police your coping.

Here’s what resilience actually looks like after loss….

It looks slower than you expected.Messier than you planned.And far less Instagrammable than the world led you to believe.

Resilience, in real life, is not a personality trait. It’s a practice.

That is why I created the Navigating Grief Framework, not as a checklist to complete, but as a way to orient yourself when everything familiar has fallen apart.

The framework has five elements:

* Grounding.

* Resilience muscle rituals and routines.

* Introspection for Understanding.

* Engagement with Support Systems.

* Forward movement.

Today, I want to sit with the Resilience muscle rituals and routines, because this is where most people get it wildly wrong.

The Lie We’ve Been Sold About Resilience

Somewhere along the way, resilience became synonymous with endurance.

White knuckling.Pushing through.Smiling while bleeding internally.

We reward people who suffer quietly and penalize those who fall apart loudly. We celebrate productivity over processing. We clap when someone goes back to work two weeks after burying their parent and call it “strength.”

That is not resilience.That is survival mode wearing a blazer.

Real resilience is not about how fast you recover.It’s about how safely you metabolize what happened.

What the “R” Actually Stands For

In the Navigating Grief Framework, R is about resilience muscle rituals and routines.

Not grit.Not hustle.Not forcing optimism.

Rituals and routines are how your nervous system learns that it is safe to stay.

After loss, your body does not care what your brain understands. You can intellectually know you’re safe and still feel like the ground could drop out from under you at any moment. That’s not weakness. That’s biology.

Resilience is built when you repeatedly show your system, “I can feel this and survive it.”

That happens through:

• Acknowledging what you feel without rushing to fix it• Expressing emotion without censoring it for palatability• Creating predictable anchors in unpredictable days

This might look like journaling that isn’t pretty or cohesive.Movement that isn’t performative.Crying in your car between meetings.Or simply admitting, “Today is heavier than yesterday.”

That counts.

What Resilience Is Not

Let’s clear this up. Resilience is not:

• Being the strong one, so no one worries about you• Turning your grief into a lesson before you’ve felt it• Performing healing so others feel inspired• Using productivity as proof you’re okay

If you are constantly exhausted, snapping at people you love, unable to rest, or secretly wondering why everyone thinks you’re “doing so well” when you feel hollow inside, that’s not resilience.

That’s your system asking for support.

The Unsexy Truth About Building the Muscle

Resilience is built in repetition, not breakthroughs.

It’s built when you practice naming your feelings even when they don’t change. When you stick to a small routine on days you want to disappear. When you stop shaming yourself for not being where you think you should be by now.

The resilience muscle strengthens when you choose regulation over suppression, again and again.

Sometimes that choice looks like rest.Sometimes it looks like boundaries.Sometimes it looks like cancelling plans and letting that be enough for the day.

Why This Matters More Than Ever

Unprocessed grief does not vanish. It relocates.

It shows up as anxiety, burnout, numbness, chronic over-functioning, and the quiet belief that something is wrong with you. Trust me, I know. I lost hair, gained 40 pounds, and developed weird allergies and rashes, while deep in my grief vortex.

Resilience rituals are how we stop passing pain forward.

They are how we learn to live with loss without letting it consume us.How we carry love and grief at the same time.How we build lives that can hold both sorrow and meaning.

A Gentle Truth to Leave You With

If your resilience right now looks like getting out of bed and doing one small thing to care for yourself, you are not failing.

You are training a muscle most people never consciously touch.

And that matters.

You are not weak because this changed you.You are human because it did.

And resilience, real resilience, is not about who you were before.

It’s about how you tend to yourself now.

Let’s navigate your grief together,

XX Blair

P.S. Before being thrust into the world of grief and resilience, I was a full-time marketing expert with 20+ years of social media marketing experience. I’m leading a “Podcasting on Substack” workshop this Thursday, January 22. My reach and impact from Substack have been incredible, and I want to teach you what I know. A replay will be available for those who register. SIGN UP HERE.

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When I first learned what a nervous system was, I realized my nervous system was so dysregulated that I couldn’t actually comprehend what the person was explaining. It sounded like gibberish. But I did know that I was not in a good place with my mental health, and something needed to change.

Someone was calmly explaining regulation, safety, and the difference between survival and rest, and my body was in full emergency mode. Nodding politely. Retaining nothing.

What I did understand was the stripped-down version:

A dysregulated nervous system lives in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.A regulated nervous system lives in the rest-and-digest state. Presence. Capacity. Choice.

Let me define this in simple terms.

* A regulated nervous system does not mean you are calm all the time. It means your body knows how to come back.

* A dysregulated nervous system does not mean you are broken. It means your body learned how to survive.

For most of my adult life, survival was the default setting.

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It wasn’t until I shifted my work schedule to four days a week and put real boundaries around technology and people that I felt rest and digest in my body. Not conceptually. Somatically.

And even then, that shift only happened a few years ago.

That’s how long it took my body to believe it was safe.

How I Know I’m Slipping Into Dysregulation

Regulation isn’t a finish line. It’s a practice.

I know I’m sliding out of regulation when urgency creeps in for no reason, my jaw tightens, my sleep gets lighter, and everything feels slightly louder. I start multitasking rest. I feel behind without knowing why.

That’s my nervous system asking for attention.

So here is what I do. Not perfectly. Not rigidly. But consistently enough that my body trusts me.

11 Ways I Regulate My Nervous System and Come Back Faster

* I wake up to a sunrise alarm clock.My body gently transitions into the day instead of being yanked out of sleep by a jarring phone alarm.

* I protect my morning with Blair time.At least two hours to move, meditate, journal, sit, and exist before I produce. No rushing into the day.

* I removed the email app from my phone.When I check my email, it’s intentional. My nervous system is not on call.

* My phone lives on Do Not Disturb.I decide when I’m available. Not my notifications.

* I move my body in nature most days.Forty-five minutes outside resets me faster than almost anything else.

* I prioritize sleep like medicine.Eight hours is not indulgent. It’s necessary for emotional regulation.

* I read for pleasure.Stories with no agenda. Words that don’t require a response.

* I spend time creating without an outcome.Writing, art, imagination. Creativity regulates me because it brings me back into my body.

* I practice yoga, even if it’s only for fifteen minutes.Gentle movement counts. Presence counts.

* I cancel plans when I’m tired.Without overexplaining. Without guilt. Rest is not something I earn.

* I have a bath, a long hot shower, a hot tub, or drink tea.Hot water signals to your nervous system that you are safe.

What it does mean is that my body trusts me to listen.

And when your nervous system trusts you, everything changes.

If your body feels loud, exhausted, or constantly on edge, it’s not because you’re failing at life. It’s because your nervous system learned how to keep you alive and safe.

You’re allowed to teach it something new.

So, if we have plans and I cancel, it’s because my nervous system needs love.

Let’s navigate your grief together,

XX Blair

P.S. I was recently featured alongside Oprah and Tony Robbins in The American Reporter article: Your 2026 Success Starts Here: Follow These 15 Coaches Who Are Changing Lives Around the World. What a massive honour. Check it out.

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For most of my career, I believed leadership meant endurance. Hold more. Carry more. Push harder. Expand capacity at all costs. Work long hours. Make more money.

Then grief showed up and took that belief out back for a very humbling conversation.

Grief did not arrive quietly. It arrived as loss stacked on loss. It was a shitstorm of pain. With a calendar full of meetings and deadlines, my body wanted the floor. As a business, I had built on momentum, only to suddenly collide with a nervous system in survival mode. I was still leading workshops, signing contracts, and showing up publicly. On paper, everything looked fine….so, I thought.

Inside, I was managing an invisible emergency.

Here is the leadership lesson grief delivered with zero concern for my comfort: Capacity is not how much you can hold. Capacity is knowing when holding more will break you.

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I remember a specific week after my mom died. My inbox was full. My calendar was booked. People needed decisions. People needed reassurance. People needed me to be the version of myself they were used to. I stopped responding to some clients. I forgot that I was in the middle of some projects. I dropped a lot of balls.

It felt like my brain broke.

I sat on my childhood bedroom floor in my dead mom’s home, laptop closed, realizing something had to give. And for the first time in my career, the thing that moved forward was not productivity. It was honesty.

I started saying things I had never said before, like:

* I do not have the capacity for this right now.

* This needs to wait.

* I can lead this differently.

* I need to slow the pace to sustain the mission.

That moment changed how I understand leadership.

Grief stripped away my ability to perform strength. What it gave me instead was discernment. I learned that real leaders do not expand endlessly. They recalibrate. They protect the organization’s nervous system by protecting their own.

Forward movement, in grief, does not look like acceleration. It looks like adaptation.

I stopped measuring my leadership by output and started measuring it by integrity. Was I leading in a way that would help my future self survive? Was I modelling a culture where burnout was not the price of excellence?

Grief also taught me this uncomfortable truth: Capacity is seasonal.

There are seasons for building, seasons for maintaining, and seasons for barely keeping the lights on. All of them count. None of them means you are failing.

As a leader, I had to grieve the version of myself who could do it all. And in that grief, I met a better leader. One who listens more. One who plans with humanity in mind. One who understands that forward does not mean faster. It means truer.

The irony is that when I stopped forcing capacity, my impact grew. People trusted me more. Teams became more honest. The work became more sustainable.

Grief did not make me weaker as a leader. It made me precise.

If you are leading while grieving, here is what I want you to hear. You are not behind. You are recalibrating. Forward movement might look like fewer meetings, softer timelines, clearer boundaries, and deeper intention.

That is not stagnation. That is leadership with a longer view.

Grief taught me that capacity is not something you conquer. It is something you steward. And the leaders who understand that are the ones who last.

Forward movement is not about returning to who you were. It is about leading as who you are now.

Let’s navigate your grief together,

XX Blair

P.S. Are you ready for support? Let’s work together!

How We Navigate Grief is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit howwenavigategrief.substack.com/subscribe