E5 | How Do I Communicate With The People I Love? with Cristy Slozka
In this latest episode of the podcast, our guest (and my friend), Cristy, is becoming more aware of her communication patterns, specifically with her husband. For the last few years, she's been working hard in her professional relationships and with friends to become a better listener and collaborator, making space for the perspective and opinions of others.
But, like many of us (me included), she still struggles to communicate effectively with her husband and kids. Which makes sense because these are the relationships with the highest expectations. They're also the relationships with the most deeply ingrained communication patterns.
Throughout the episode, Ron offers unique insights into why we struggle most with the ones we love. He shares a quick and easy way to defuse an argument before it becomes an all-out war and walks us through a simple communication method that allows everyone (including you) to feel heard and fully understood.
This episode was a huge reminder for me that communication is a language, and to become fluent in it, you have to be present and patient.
And practice, practice, practice.
Are you ready for some aha moments?
Listen to the Follow-up with Cristy
⏭️ Listen to E17 | How Do I Communicate With The People I Love? with Cristy Slozka: The Follow up
The episode at a glance...
[01:10] Cristy talks about her struggle to implement the communication skills she's learned and used successfully at work in her personal relationships.
[02:16] Cristy talks about going into conversations with good intentions, but lapsing into old habits when triggered, usually because she doesn't feel heard even though she feels she is listening to and validating the other person.
[03:57] Janelle asks Cristy if she's testing the communication techniques she's learned to see if they work. Cristy is concerned that if people know she's implementing these techniques, the methods may not be as effective.
[04:38] Communication techniques are only effective when coupled with the heartfelt intention to deepen the relationship through openness and vulnerability.
[05:31] Cristy talks about how the communication between her and her spouse breaks down.
[06:05] Communication skills can be improved over time and with practice, but we often only work on them when there's an imminent threat to the relationship.
[07:15] Not everyone sees a need to work on their communication skills, and you can't force them to, even if your relationship is suffering.
[07:23] Each of us hears messages through our filters.
"The message you're sending is almost never the message being received."
[9:15] The whole point of good communication is to lower the resistance to the message.
[9:45] Recognizing established patterns of communication in your relationships. Want to change the way you communicate? Break the pattern, together or alone.
[12:55] Cristy talks about the frustration of arguments that never resolve. Do both parties have to agree for a conflict to be resolved?
[14:00] Ron shares a clever way to keep a fight from escalating.
[16:00] A relationship without disagreements is dysfunctional because somebody's not saying what they think.
"You cannot have two people in such agreement that they never fight."
[17:00] Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. Use it to build instead of destroy.
[17:15] Ron offers a tried and true communication method that allows both parties to feel heard and fully understand each other.
You don't have to agree, but try with all your might to understand.
[20:30] In conversations, we have something we want to say, and in an effort not to forget it, we stop listening. This is how communication breaks down. Get the whole story first, then respond.
[22:14] Cristy talks about feeling frustrated that she's putting in the work to be a good listener and make space for someone else but isn't feeling heard in return.
[23:07] Cristy shares how in her work conversations, she's been able to talk less and listen to other perspectives and solutions, which has built trust between her and her team.
[25:30] Ron asks if Cristy can do the same at home - if a family member has an alternative solution or perspective, is she open to it, or is she set on her plan from the get-go?
[28:00] How do you get people to reciprocate your time and energy in communicating with them? Sometimes you have to ask for what you need!
[29:18] Cristy shares that, in her family, talking excessively is a way of coping with awkward silences or uncomfortable situations.
[31:25] It's important to tell the people you want to build better communication habits with that this is something you're working on and that you would appreciate their help and feedback.
Asking for help defuses defensiveness.
[32:40] Start with small experiments. Choose one small action that aligns with your goal on a micro-level.
[34:45] No experiment is complete without collecting the data. Is this something you want to implement long-term? You don't know until you collect the data. How do you do it? Ron explains.
[36:40] Cristy talks about overthinking conversations before they happen, sometimes leading to avoiding them altogether.
[37:30] Ron suggests facing uncomfortable conversations by starting with a question (ideally one that doesn't put the other person on the defensive.)
[38:10] Make conversations safe. If you are known by your family or loved ones to push your agenda, the work is on you to change that dynamic over time.
[39:20] The fastest way to defuse an argument is to Own. Your. Stuff. Admit your shortcomings and ask for constructive feedback to improve.
[42:00] It's important to make people feel safe to communicate freely with you. Otherwise, they won't say what they really think. How do you do that? Keep your opinions and reactions to yourself.
[43:20] When it feels like you're dealing with the same issue over and over again, give yourself grace. We deal with problems at different levels, so sometimes it feels like they're repeating. But, in reality, you are dealing with the issue at a deeper level, with more maturity and insight each time.
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