I Learned Nothing

Pat was feeling marginalized so Ben taught him the postmodern philosophy of French scholar and horny maniac Michel Foucault. Specifically, Pat wanted to know how & why our current society's system of knowledge was being used as a weapon of power against him and other deviants. The Wisdom Boys talk madness, criminality, and hardcore fucking sex. Ben also gives a play by play of the famous televised debate, deftly mediated by a shy Dutchman, between Foucault and his intellectual adversary, the ancient Jew known only as Noam Chomsky. Sacre Bleu!

Pat wanted to take a load off so Ben tells him about the Way AKA the Dao. In a wild, meandering episode, Ben and Pat talk about the ancient Chinese philosophy of Daoism, and explore its relation to Being, Non-Being, Laoze, Donald Trump, Chinese dinosaurs, The Band, whiskey, Alan Watts, bloodthirsty cats, and the drunk, faithless English. It's a hell of a ride. Won't you join us? Dao you doin'?

Pat wanted to know the best way to form a just society so Ben explains The Veil of Ignorance. Developed by political philosopher & Baltimore scumbag John Rawls, The Veil of Ignorance is a thought experiment where people in charge of designing a just society imagine that they know nothing about the particular attributes they'll have in this new society. This ensures that the people will be unbiased when deciding on the principles their society will be based on. It confuses the shit out of Pat so he just yells at Ben about Fox News.

Pat was feeling a looming sense of Angst so Ben introduces him to the chain-smoking, eye-rolling, turtleneck-wearing philosophy of Existentialism. As they stare into the black, meaningless Void that is our lives, Ben & Pat follow the trail of ideas that make up the existential tradition. They discuss the fear & trembling of Kierkegaard, the death of God (again), and Sartre's call to live authentically and avoid bad faith. Life is absurd and only we can define our selves. Also Pat learns how to say "existentialism" for the first time.

Pat's incessant questions have withered Ben's patience & health down to a nub, so Ben reaches out to our 3rd fucking guest, Duncan Carson! Duncan & Ben irritate Pat with the Paradoxes of Zeno, a Pre-Socratic philosopher and drunk who laid out several paradoxes (zany situations) challenging our conventional ideas of motion, space & time. Pat learns about the epic race between Achilles & the Tortoise, threatens people who like ranch, and rants loudly about mathematics. Ben and Duncan were never seen again.

Pat was feeling less than confident in the state of our society, so Ben teaches him the ways of Confucius, or as he will henceforth be known: Master Kong. Pat and Ben discuss Master Kong's theories on what makes for a harmonious society, what makes for a chill bro, and how to attain the most coveted virtue in Confucius' ethical system: Ren, or human-heartedness. They also cover the difference between Eastern and Western conceptions of society, and Pat has a meltdown about thought experiments. All hail Master Kong and his Master Dong.

Pat was feeling dumber than a robot so Ben invites him to check out The Chinese Room. Developed by philosopher John Searle, The Chinese Room is a thought experiment that challenges the notion of Strong AI -- Strong Allen Iverson. Ben and Pat explore the nature of machine intelligence, The Turing Test, and what it means to understand a language. Can machines think like us? What's it like when a robot beats off? Not a game, not a game, not a game...Practice.

Pat was wondering if he was really in control of his choices, so Ben explains the concept of Free Will. Do we really decide the course of our own lives? Do choosy moms really "choose" JIF? What justifies our system of criminal justice if all of our actions are determined by physics? Pat and Ben explore the implications of choice, will, and what makes our behavior truly a part of our selves. Also, don't suck your friend's blood on the bus. It's weird.

Pat was feeling seductive so he asked Ben about 1969 Playmate of the Year/Frankfurt School philosopher Herbert Marcuse. Pat & Ben wear velvet smoking jackets as they discuss Marcuse's ideas, like how Marxism needs a Freudian pick-me-up, and how capitalism has conditioned us into a one-dimensional society where we're forced to either consume or die.

Pat was getting nostalgic about his Catholic school days (where he first met Ben) so he and Ben get into some Catholic shit. They cover the medieval philosophy of SAINT THOMAS AQUINAS, Ockham's Razor, and Peter Abelard's junkless crotch, among other things. Ironically, these philosophies, which currently underpin all of Catholic theology, wouldn't have been possible if it weren't for Muslims, whom the Church handsomely rewarded with a bunch of crusades. Ad Majorem Gloriam Dei, bitch.