I Learned Nothing

Pat could barely sit still as he and Ben wrap up their award-winning Greek Triple Stack series with main Logic Daddy himself - Aristotle. Ben explains the 4 Causes, the Syllogism and Aristotle's virtue ethics. Pat learns that Aristotle was the only person who could yell at Alexander the Great in public without getting murdered. Pat liked Aristotle better because he's a more down to earth bro and doesn't imprison children in caves to grow up blind and stupid like Plato did. As a result, Pat doesn't yell at Ben. We all have fun. Hooray!

Pat was wondering what the Big Idea was, so Ben introduces him to the Idea Man himself: Plato. Long considered Socrates' successor and consigliere, Plato has a lot to say about Justice, Truth, and how to hang during an epic Greek smoke sesh. Pat & Ben talk about the Republic and Plato's Theory of Forms. Everything is peaches & cream until they get to the Allegory of the Cave. Pat hates the metaphor and yells at Ben about it, noting that it's a contrived device to make a fairly obvious point

Pat was curious about how this whole philosophy thing got started in the first place, so Ben sits him down and tells him about Socrates, the toga-wearing, hemlock-chugging maniac who kicked off this non-stop wisdom party. In the first installment of a 3-part series, "The Greek Triple Stack," Ben and Pat talk about a man from Athens who asked so many questions, the state executed him just for being annoying. But that couldn't stop what he already started: the Western philosophical tradition as we know it. All without writing anything down. Real piece of work, this guy.

Pat was wondering why God allows bad things to happen to good people, so Ben explains The Problem of Evil. Long used by atheists to challenge the existence of God, this issue has been irritating religious people for millennia. Ben and Pat discuss how annoying atheists are, how little God gives a shit whether you believe in him or not, and the different responses theists (folks who believe in God) have developed to solve this problem. This includes the sheisty, lawyerific response Ben came up with in his thesis to ultimately graduate from Princeton. Should be a doozy.

Pat was feeling oppressed (again) so Ben explains the groundbreaking political philosophy of Hannah Arendt, who is way smarter and better at philosophy than that charlatan Ayn Rand. Pat learns about Arendt's theory of the rise of totalitarianism in the 20th Century, why modernity fucked everything up, and how average people become wicked through the Banality of Evil. Fun fact: her book The Origins of Totalitarianism saw a dramatic spike in sales on Amazon the day of Trump's inauguration because no fucking shit. Listen and learn something. Don't be a tool. Punch a Nazi.

Pat lost his identity and panicked. In an attempt to get Pat's sense of self back, Ben explains The Ship of Theseus paradox. If you replace all the planks of wood from the ship one at a time over the years, is it the same ship in the end? If the old planks are used to build another ship with the exact same design, is that the original ship? If you go into a teleporter that disassembles you atom-by-atom at one end and reassembles you with new atoms at the other end, did you die? Do you step out a clone?? How does this help Pat? Frankly, it doesn't. Pat gets confused and yells at Ben. The End.

Pat was freaking out because he couldn't tell if we live in a simulation or not. After Pat forces Ben to watch the entire Matrix trilogy, he makes Ben explain the 'Brain in a Vat' scenario. Is any of this real? Can we wake up from this nightmare? And what does all this have to do with 17th Century French pervert Rene Descartes? Pat learns that Cipher kind of had a point, Morpheus is an asshole, and that the most famous quote in the history of philosophy, "I think therefore I am," was Descartes, not Shakespeare.

Pat wanted to expand his mind so Ben brought in Christina Parrish to explain the psychedelic philosophies of Terence McKenna & Alan Watts. Christina and Ben send Pat on a trip where he learns how to dismantle the Ego and shatter his preconceptions with the help of some groovy learning aids: Psilocybin, LSD & DMT. Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out. Bitch.

Pat was being a whiny, entitled bitch, so he made Ben explain the "philosophy" of famous novelist/cult leader Ayn Rand. Pat learns how she used her turgid, hackneyed, pedantic novels as a platform for her ideology, Objectivism. Objectivism is a half-baked philosophy for petulant toddlers emphasizing selfishness as a virtue and rapacious capitalism as the best economic system. Her followers are insufferable. Don't ever talk to them.

Pat sensed something was amiss. Turns out, he was right: God is dead! Pat takes on the case and brings in his partner Ben to find God's killer. Pat suspects syphilitic weirdo Friedrich Nietzsche, but as Ben explains the mercurial philosopher's life and work, the case gets more complicated. In the biggest spoiler in Western intellectual history, we learn that we were the killers the whole time and poor Freddy got framed for the murder, along with another historical catastrophe of the 20th century (Nazism). He may have been a insufferable dick, but he had some intense ideas, like the Übermensch, eternal recurrence, and the fact that the moral fabric of our society is ultimately based on arbitrary, unsubstantiated values. There's nothing out there that meaningfully separates civilization from chaos, so enjoy life before the Purge starts.