I Learned Nothing

Pat was feeling dubious so Ben delivers a crash course in the Pyrrhonian Skepticism of Ancient Greek philosopher/dilettante Sextus Empiricus. This is one of the few episodes where Pat picked the topic. Can you guess why? Anyway, Sextus Empiricus AKA The Sex Man lived and wrote sometime in the 2nd or 3rd centuries AD. His main contribution is his commitment to a notably strict form of skepticism that holds you can't hold ANY beliefs about anything so long as there are any points for and against that position. Very Zen. Also, fittingly, no one knows anything about the guy.

Pat was feeling rapturous so Ben unveils the mystical philosophy of manic pixie wisdom girl Simone Weil and in so doing thoroughly bums Pat out. How, you ask? By summarizing her intense life story along with the philosophical thoughts it engendered. Simone Weil was born Jewish in Paris, France in 1909, and died Insane in London, England in 1943, aged 34 years old. In those 34 years, she wrote about ethics, God, sacrifice, and love for one's fellow (wo)man, all while trying as hard as she could to die in battle fighting Fascists. She ruled and it sucks she died so young. At least Pat liked her.

Pat was feeling confident in what he thinks he knows so Ben dashes that assumption by introducing Pat to the table-flipping thought experiments known as Gettier Problems. The infamous Gettier Problems were contrived by the notorious sad boi of modern analytical philosophy, Edmund Gettier. Gettier debuted his shitty though experiments in a 3-page paper he only submitted to avoid being fired. Little did he know that these three pages COMPLETELY UPENDED our understanding of knowledge and has tormented epistemologists ever since. Also, he's from Baltimore, which Pat LOVES.

Pat was feeling hyperreal so Ben explains the wasted landscape described by French postmodernist/fuckboi Jean Baudrillard. This ham-faced prick identified the extent to which we live in a simulated reality constructed by the exchange of empty symbols tenuously supported by the unjustified foundation of capitalism. This dude inspired The Matrix but not in the way you think. Instead of a computer simulation, we live in an economic simulation, where everything is alright (hypernormal) but actually draining us of life, love, and meaning. Goooooood God.

Pat was feeling anti-authoritarian so he and Ben dive into the history and philosophy of the funnest of all political ideologies: Anarchism. NO GODS, NO MASTERS, BABAYYY! We've killed our parents and we're having ice cream for dinner every night. The WisdomBoyz learn about an iconoclastic crew of thinkers, such as Pierre Joseph Proudhon, Mikhail Bakunin, and Emma Goldman, all of whom inspired generations of 14-year-old vandals desperate to dismantle the authority & power of the State. Abolish ICE. All Cops Are Bastards #ACAB

Pat was feeling unsubstantial so Ben introduces him to the infuriating philosophy of Irish clergyman and Pat's cousin, George Berkeley. Berkeley is best known for advancing a theory of reality that 99% of us would agree is total bullshit: Subjective Idealism. This theory states that there's no such thing as matter and all the everyday objects we encounter (tables, chairs, Tim the Cat, etc.) are nothing more than ideas in our minds. Not only that, but ideas only exist if there's someone there to perceive them. In other words, if a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, not only does it not make a sound, but it didn't exist in the first place. Can you believe the sack on this fucking guy?

Pat was feeling phenomenal so he enlists Ben to teach him about the turn-of-the-century philosophical craze that inspired Existentialism and is just as difficult for Pat to pronounce: Phenomenology. Developed by philosopher Edmund Husserl, Phenomenology is a method employed to analyze and catalog all subjective experience in an objective, scientific way. It ultimately inspired a generation of French cigarette smokers and one unapologetic Nazi. Martin Heidegger, Husserl's one-time protege, essentially stole his ideas and threw Husserl under the bus when the Nazi's took over. Just to hammer that point home: Martin Heidegger was a piece of shit.

Pat was feeling juvenile so he forces Ben to teach him about the classic paradox/thought experiment Buridan's Ass, entirely because it has the word "ass" in it. Ben obliges and the duo explore the implications of a donkey chained between two identical bails of hay, each placed equal distances away from him. Which one should the donkey choose if they have no compelling differences? How much does rationality actually influence our decisions? This question was first posed by medieval French philosopher & all-around ho Jean Buridan. When confounding our understanding of free will and rationality, we was out sleeping with other people's wives and pissing off the King of France. What an ass!

Pat was feeling horrified so Ben tries to soothe him by teaching him the post-modern philosophy of French-Bulgarian thinker/provocateur Julia Kristeva. Kristeva is known for her thorough analysis of two of the most basic and primal human emotions: horror and disgust. She employs her novel concept of the "abject" to describe that primordial disorientation and fear we encounter when faced with the prospect of death. We find ourselves in a pre-symbolic space where meaning breaks down and we lose our identity as a subject. This occurs when Pat is forced to confront the fact that his parents boned to create him and they fucking loved it. Gross!

Pat was feeling monadic so Ben recruits a guest lecturer for this watershed episode: Professor George Anthony of Yale University-San Antonio Campus. Together they teach Pat about German heavy hitter Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz and his Rationalist philosophy. They explore Leibniz's bizarre theory of monads (lol): invisible, irreducible corpuscles that make up all substance in the Universe. George also uses the plot of 1994 action thriller 'Time Cop' to illustrate Leibniz's Fundamental Principles of Thought, the underpinnings of all logical reasoning. Spoiler Alert!