For some of us, having our hearts ripped out and eaten by cannibals would be better than leaving our children with relative strangers when we return to work after parental leave. Others, however, do a happy dance all the way to the car, envisioning an entire workday without wiping snot, poop, and other bodily liquids from the wall, their clothes, and various parts of their child's body.

Regardless, when you gotta work, you gotta to work. You know what I'm sayin'?

This week on I Shouldn't Have Had Kids meet the Scottish nanny from hell, the remarkable Molly Poppins who might as well have arrived on our doorstep by umbrella, and a short-lived nanny who actually lost Lola. It's enough to make a parent re-think working!

Links
Podcast: Dolly Parton's America
Arty Party Host and Author: Royce Buckingham
YouTube: Celaine's ASMR channel
Atlantic article: Why Childcare is so Ridiculously Expensive
Economic Policy Institute: Childcare Calculator
Disney's Ursula the Sea Witch with Flotsam and Jetsam: Poor Unfortunate Souls 

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Parent volunteers are saints. In fact, we think there's a special place in heaven for every damn person who has ever served as President of the PTSA. And if you ask the most dedicated of these angels the secret to their success, they will all give you the same answer.  Alcohol.

All drinking—I mean joking—aside, parent volunteering is what makes the world go around. However, everyone has a limit. When you hit yours, we recommend you make like these two moms and parkour the hell out of that PTSA meeting! 

This week on I Shouldn't Have Had Kids, we'll break down the auctions; the selling of chocolate bars, poinsettias, coupon books, hanging baskets, wrapping paper, oranges, and grapefruits; the soccer coaching; the drama support; and a chaperone trip to Disneyland that ends up with the two of us spending the night babysitting a student in an L.A. hospital.

Links
Scary Mommy: The Funny Parents of Twitter Talk the Torture of the PTA
Eat your bugs, baby: Australia's Edible Bug Shop

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For the love of god, why don't kids look before they leap? Let's be honest. Parenting is a journey punctuated by heroic endeavors to save our children from themselves. In this week's episode, you'll hear about concussions, car wrecks, and balls with bee stings. Ouch!

If you've ever looked at your kid and wondered, "What in the world were you thinking?!" this week's show will have you feeling like you're part of the new I Shouldn't Have Had Kids club. So let's get together to LOL and SMH at the ridiculous things kids do on the daily.

Links
Get it right! How to say Tikka Masala

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If you're straight, you might not know the kinds of hoops that same-sex parents jump through in their effort to raise and protect their kids. Never ones to shy away from the taboo, Bonnie and Ellen tell you all about it in this episode of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids.

It will probably blow your mind.

For instance, what if you had to adopt your own child after his birth?

Or, what would you do if the office lady in your step-son's school told you that you couldn't pick him up without a note from the bio mom?

And what names does a kid use for each of his two moms or his two dads?

Houston, we have a problem.

Get ready to bust a gut as Bonnie and Ellen push past anger and find humor in even the most unfair situations on their journey to fabulous same-sex parenting.

Quote from Zach Wahls' speech to the Iowa legislature in 2011 (see video link below):
“My family really isn't so different from yours after all. Your family doesn't derive its sense of worth from being told by the state, ‘You're married. Congratulations.’ No, the sense of family comes from the commitment we make to each other: to work through the hard times so we can enjoy the good ones. That comes from the love that binds us. That's what makes a family.”
____________________

Links
Zach's YouTube Video: Zach Wahl's address to Iowa legislature
Rosalia Video: Rosalia's performance at the 2020 Grammy Awards
Resource for same-sex cards: Zazzle

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Let's be honest. All kids make bad choices, break house rules, and openly defy parental boundaries. It's kind of their job. Our job is to let them know that they've stepped in the proverbial pile of dung—and to make sure they feel the sting of their bad behavior.

In this week's episode, we get real—very real—about disciplining kids. Bonnie gets particularly candid and Ellen loses her mind over spanking. Both of us admit, that like all parents, we are nothing but a series of occasional bad choices punctuated by moments of supreme clarity, nailing this thing we call parenting.


Links
New York Times article: Spanking is Ineffectual and Harmful to Children
Healthy Children article: Best Ways to Discipline My Child

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It's the Great American Parenting Nightmare. Too much homework. It turns households into battle grounds, kids into sleep-deprived zombies, and parents into puddles of frustration. Are we wrong?

By the time kids get to high school they are juggling after school activities, about 3 hours of homework each night, a demanding social scene (both digital and IRL), and often a part-time job.

You're not crazy. It's hell. For you. For us. And for every parent we know. Oh sure, there's the occasional whiz kid whose mom looks at you in mock surprise when you complain and responds with a smug, "Really? Gosh, Chad doesn't seem to have any problems with the workload."

Pro tip of the day. Tell Chad's mom to take a hike and then press "play" on this week's episode of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids. You are in damn fine company!

Links
Article: 11 Tips for Helping Your Child Manage A Lot of Homework
Infographic: How Does Homework Actually Affect Students?
Best Vegan Recipe Ever (for the girlfriend: Chickpea Pancakes with Kale and Fennel


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Planes, trains and automobiles. Regardless of how you do it, traveling with kids is always a crap shoot. It's not like they stop arguing, eating, or costing an arm and a leg just because you've left on your grand adventure. In fact, sometimes they do even MORE of all that stuff when you leave home.

This week we drop a few gems of advice about how to survive—and even thrive—when traveling with kids. Be sure to catch the story of Bonnie's airplane bomb scare with an 8-month-old Tigger. Whiskey never looked so good!

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How do you know when you've gone too far for a child's birthday party? How about when they bring in the snakes.

Some of us evidently operate under the impression that the perfect birthday celebration will lead to the perfect life. Then we hate ourselves in the morning.

File it under "What Was I Thinking?"

Links
A Little Bit Alexis
In case you’re wondering about fire Poi

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Send in the S.W.A.T. team!  Preparing, applying, and paying for college has handcuffed our family and is holding us hostage. 

On this week's podcast:

• A California college tour uncovers collegiate stash
• Tigger competes against some of the best voices in the nation
• And we wonder how the hell families are supposed to navigate the minefield of college applications

I Shouldn't Have Had Kids is a comedy parenting podcast hosted by Bonnie and Ellen. Each week this same-sex couple makes it clear that kids can—and often do—try the f**k out of a parent's patience.

Links
College Confidential
U.S. News article detailing 20 years of tuition hikes in the U.S.
The Onion infographic illustrating where all your tuition dollars are spent

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Wrapping up 2019 with gift-giving fails

When it comes to gift giving during the holidays and beyond, we have failed just as often as we've succeeded—especially with our kids!

On deck this week, you'll find us:

• putting together a trampoline in the wee hours of Christmas morning under the soft glow of our headlamps
• ruining the paint ball party we gave to Tigger and Lola when one of us made their teen guest cry
• asking the age-old question that plagues every parent's winter: Where in the world is your other glove? You JUST got those!?

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[email protected]