Have you ever felt in your relationship like you go from, “I can do no wrong” to “I can’t do a damn thing right”?  There are a number of reasons why you may experience this.  In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs how gaslighting plays a part in one such reason: the experience of “Hoovering”.

At the time of this recording, Sarah’s in the middle of launching some exciting new things.  She’d be pumped for you to check them out on my website, here.

Sarah’s guest today is Mary.  Mary is a graduate student on her way to earning a PhD in history.  She enjoys hiking, traveling, watching old movies, listening to vinyl records, and drinking beer. Mary lives in New Jersey with her wife Amber and cat Cricket Jo.

Word of the day: Hoovering is done when a person (typically a narcissist) thinks the victim/ person they abuse or control is seeking to move away; it’s an attempt to reclaim the sense of power and control by causing distress; if a source of supply pulls away or tries to go no contact, the narcissist may attempt to hoover (as in vacuum-suck) them back within his/her realm of control.  Gaslighting behaviors are almost always a part of this dynamic. One way we can see this played out is in a family of origin context where there’s fluctuation between being treated as “The Golden Child” and the “Scapegoat”.  Mary’s story in a clear and profound example of this dynamic.

Storytime: Sarah and Mary discuss the details of Mary’s relationship with her narcissistic mother, and dig deep into the dynamic of the extreme fluctuation between golden child and scapegoat Mary experienced.  

• How Mary’s Mom called herself a “Prophet”, and how this set her up to be unable to be challenged.
• How Mary went from “the child of promise; god’s little lamb” to “the messed-up child who needed saving, and only her mom could help her” once she graduated high school.
• Mary shared her experience of extreme control as a young 20-something – from her bedtime to the things she ate, all because she was a part of the “Green Beret Christian Training Program”.
• What helped Mary finally be able to break free.

Deconstruction Zone:

• Sarah deconstructs the main points around love-bombing, undermining, coercion, and mind games.
• Sarah shows Mary some things to look out for moving forward, and validates how in Mary’s extreme situation, mastering the skills used in the Negotiation Trap was a survival skill! (That no longer serve her).

Set Your Alarm: If you can relate to today’s topic, here are three things in setting your alarm: 1) Reach out to a safe friend, helping professional (therapist/coach/layperson) , or even a domestic violence center.  2) Start keeping track of things – safely… keep track of conversations, and keep track of WHEN the different messages are being said.  3) This one will be hard, but start trying to ask yourself, “If I were free to be me, I’d (want this, feel this, ask for this, not allow this, do this differently) – give yourself permission to not act on what you discover right away – you’re just being curious and trying to reconnect to yourself. 

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Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!