If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

Niki is back and not a moment too soon, as LB and John have prepared what may be our wettest episode yet in celebration of their return. Well, "prepared" might be a strong word for anything that happens on this show, but the gang does get right back to business by discussing a new(?) kind of concert venue, selling your spit, pants, a scary thing that happened to Niki while driving several years ago, Mustard Man and Ketchup Kid, Elijah Wood, and homies, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

With Niki out on assignment, Michael Higham joins John and LB for our most cum-tastic episode since *checks notes* the last time Michael was here. But fear not, the gang also talks about regular basketball, beach basketball, the origin of the term "skeet," warning signs to watch for when hanging out with Catholics, that really tall drink you can get in Las Vegas, LB's cool mom, John's soft announcement of his plans to run for Congress, and sweetheart, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will Halloween in the rearview and Election Day upon us, Niki, LB and John try to iron out the few remaining wrinkles in American politics by addressing such hot-button issues as elf feet, Turkish hair transplant surgery, World Series Champions "The Dodgers," the power of prayer, a legendary and dead Australian horse, asses, and even a brand-new game from Niki and LB, along with a whole lot more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Niki, LB and John skillfully walk through a docket of challenging and pertinent issues facing today's Sleepy Americans, such as the form and function of a joke, firefighters who also have to fight lions, whether basketball has a home on this podcast, a quick sidebar, an approximation of the plot of 1982's The Thing, a fun theme restaurant Niki went to, filming on silver nitrate, and as you've come to expect, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

With LB once again helping the stranded astronauts aboard the International Space Station, local hero merritt k steps in to help Niki and John navigate this week's most challenging conversation topics, including Niki's ruined floors, ants, the weird guy movies of the early 2000s, getting all of your "yellow juice" extracted, penis rejuvenation therapy, a game that you can wishlist on Steam right now, the latest Wheel of Fortune conspiracy theories, and thankfully, so much more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

John, Niki and LB ask some important questions about blood and the people who take it from us, before moving on to some more relatable, everyday topics such as the funny underwear that Borat wears, roller coaster safety ratings, being "famous contemporarily with a horse, when a dog ate a human heart on that one TV show, the potential dangers of hiring the nation's favorite buddies for commercial advertisements, and if you're still with us, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Niki, LB and John put down their PSLs long enough to recording a brand-new episode of your favorite podcast, discussing such seasonally appropriate topics as which 90s sitcoms are the most Jewish, tips for dealing with "truculent teens," John's dishwasher installation story, "childhood trauma objects," if hats need instructions, witnessing crimes while traveling, and folks? You bet your sweet ass there's more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey folks it's Jordan, the producer! Normally I sit in on these recordings so I can give y'all a synopsis in the eppy description here, but this time I didn't do that! Because of all the ants in my apartment! So we're gonna listen to this episode together, okay? It'll be a fun bonding experience for us. I hope you're excited about getting bonded!!!!!

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Damn girl, 100 episodes? Believe it. To celebrate, Niki, John and LB look to the future of our program by discussing a number of topics, including the potential affects of attending NYU on Baron Trump, LB's bad experience with loophole weed, if Mario from video games had a diaper, the age at which you "forget all your stuff," Niki's attempts at emailing a mall for information about a closed fast food franchise, and dude, somehow so much more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

John, LB and Niki prepare for their upcoming 100th episode by first questioning the validity of their 99th episode, then pivoting to a number of topics not entirely unfamiliar to the program, including prison tattoo technology, loose orbs for your desk, salty licorice, the food fads of yore, making viral videos "dog friendly," step-by-step instructions for committing felony bank fraud, and if you're still hungry, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://bsky.app/profile/jordo.bsky.social) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.