John, Niki and LB record without their producer, Jordan, who is sick this week. He's also the one who usually takes notes and writes these summaries, but again, he's sick, so, that's not happening. Genuinely no idea what's in this one folks, it could be our funniest episode to date and/or our most offensive -- there's only one way to find out.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving

Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

To help with the enormous legal fees we expect this year, LB, John and Niki present three new multi-level marketing programs that can help empower YOU while empowering us. They also discuss street marshmallows, the lawyer that rocks, going psycho mode on bevs in the disco, babe x wilbur AO3, making June a week shorter, and somehow, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving

Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

John, Niki and LB return from their long winter's nap, rejuvenated and ready to tackle the ongoing missing persons case involving Darth Maul and a few dozen children left in their care. On the way, they also discuss who has the sweetest sweat on the Clippers roster, John's word for the new year, going to Turkey for a hair transplant, whose death we'll will this year (allegedly (in Minecraft)), and if you can believe it, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving

Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Jump

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In what might be considered a Reverse Christmas Miracle, LB, Niki and John and have lost all 30-65 children that reportedly attend Drivey's Ed., our montessori school for babies with rich parents. Since you can't have a Christmas Pageant without adorable kids, we instead initiate a last-minute pivot to the next best thing, which is buying gifts for each other and ourselves on Temu. We also learn that Jesus died in Boulder, CO, and that large mesh holes refuse to be stuffy. Happy holidays!

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving

Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Last year's Patreon-only Holiday special is now available to all! It's an eyes-closed miracle!! John, Niki and LB organize the upcoming children's holiday pageant at the charter school they've opened, If You're Driving Academy, also known affectionately to students as "Drivey's Ed." Hope you used the bathroom before you got here!

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer).

Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving

Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

LB, John and Niki celebrate the long-awaited death of one of history's greatest monsters before moving on to a series of adjacent topics, including grammar rules for sports team names; who's on our Oceans 11 team; getting what you need; the psyop involving "these cups;" the nude figurines LB was talking about earlier; uncovering juicy secrets; the sexy poop scene from Jurassic World; and bros, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

John, LB and Niki set aside their shared turkey sandwich long enough to digest a whole new buffet of controversial topics, including humidity in the city of New Orleans, what languages the owl knows, Gambit's custom turtleneck guy, items left behind on planes, the best place to get locally-grown tobacco in America, LB's growing concerns about Lyme disease, going to the doctor to reallocate your points, and my festive holiday shoppers, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving

Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

With LB gone to perform important research aboard a haunted submersible, honorary fourth chair merritt k rejoins John and Niki to discuss a number of pressing topics, including crustacean-themed pornography; Bicentennial Man, various Brads (famous), the oldest thing(s) we would drink, "chicken of the forest" mushrooms, Todd Howard fanfic, and implausibly, so much more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving

Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

LB, Niki and John hit the paint and field a volley of incoming three-pointer discussion topics [Editor's note: idk basketball sorry], including Niki's theme song phase, the small lanky white men of 70s basketball, being big enough to survive being hit by Shaq, the very small group of people who write slash fiction about basketball players, Michael Jordan's Neverland, and I promise if you just hang in there, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving

Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

John, LB and Niki square off in the quartered octagon or w/e for a no holds barred showdown with colossal consequences, which is mostly just the same sort of lively discussion you've come to know and tolerate, including such topics as the Invisible Man, latex allergies, AI-generated salsa websites, experiencing true darkness in the bowels of the Earth, Niki Dip™, the delicious flavors you can get out of wood, and incredibly, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.

Who are we?: We are Niki Grayson (https://twitter.com/godsewa) (the Buster Keaton of basketball), John Warren (https://twitter.com/FloppyAdult) (business boy and wassail pervert, short), LB Hunktears (https://twitter.com/hunktears) (handsome genius, 5'8", America's Gamer), and producer Jordan Mallory (https://twitter.com/Jordan_Mallory/) (frog with computer). Music by Jordan Mallory and Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Follow the show: https://www.twitter.com/ifyouredriving Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

Get bonus content on Patreon

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.