IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

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Negotiation is Important

Sometimes I say things that go completely against the grain. 

This might be one of those things that might be different from what you've learned. 

But I'm going to say it. 

Negotiation with your teen IS IMPORTANT!

After years of working with teens. one thing I've learned is that if you try to control too much of their life, they will take back control, sometimes very drastically. 

This is why negotiation is so important. 

Negotiation is respecting the fact that neither one of you controls the other and making an effort to agree on something that supports the values of both parties. 

 If you are raising a teenager, I highly recommend that you start mastering the art of negotiating with your teenager.

The Risks of Not Negotiating With Your Teen

First off, I want to be 100% honest and say that there are some things that are NON-NEGOTIABLE with my teen. 

These are things that I'm not willing to budge on. 

It's okay to have non-negotiables. 

Take some time to get to know what those are for you, but everything shouldn't be a non-negotiable, or no one will ever want to negotiate with you.  

If you control too many things in your teen's life, you run the risk of them taking control via drastic measures like running away, blatantly breaking rules, self-harming, and even suicide. 

Negotiating Will Help You Build Stronger Relationships

There are some serious benefits to negotiating with your teen. 

Here are a few of the benefits that I was able to think of:

• Negotiating builds stronger relationships. 
• It models powerful communication. 
• It models how to understand your values and the values of others. 
• It teaches your teen how to put themselves in the shoes of others. 
• Negotiating helps you and your teen come up with better solutions.
• It promotes buy-in and ownership.
• Now one likes to be steamrolled. 

I seriously believe that better negotiation has the power to improve relationships. 

I've seen it improve communication in my own home and how the systems within our home flow with my own children, and especially with our foster children. 

You might not be great at negotiating with your teen because you never saw the example of negotiation with your parents. 

Often when I teach this to parents, they tell me, "I wish my parents would have done this with me more. 

Common Mistakes

When it comes to parent/teen negotiations, one of the most common problems that I see is simply an unwillingness to negotiate.

I often hear parents say that their teen is the one who is unwilling to negotiate. 

As a parent myself, I understand that my teen just wants his way. I get it. So, I take it upon myself to find ways to negotiate whenever possible. 

This is an area where, if your teen is unwilling to negotiate, I'd invite you to be the change you want to see. Find a way for YOU to negotiate. 

Tips for How To Improve Your Negotiation

1. Respect your teen and their values
2. Know your values and your non-negotiables
3. Get your teen's input
4. Voice your input
5. Explore options with your teen

Join me and my family on a service trip to Mexico!

If you're tired of getting your kids stuff for Christmas that doesn't last, come join me and my family on a service trip to Mexico. 

If you want to give the gift of life long memories to your teens and your family, come join us. 

Learn More HERE! Come to Mexico with Us!!

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

On today's episode I discuss how most parents are working from the "Doing" model and how we can "BE" the parents of our dreams if we live in the "BEING" model instead.

Check out the show notes at

FirmlyFoundedParent.com/118

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

Are you interested in joining a service trip to Mexico? Don't know where to start?

In this episode I talk with Stacia Chavez a seasoned expert on doing just that.

visit achf.org for more information on how to donate or volunteer.

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

On this episode I talk with Allison about the Best Mom Ever virtual summit she is hosting.
It is all about helping parents create the relationship they dream of with their teenagers.

We're not trying to improve parents. Parents are doing their best. Doing your best is good enough. We want to help parents embrace Growth instead of being fixed as a parent.

Brené Brown - The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting.

It's good for our kids to see our imperfections. They aren't perfect, and neither are we as parents.

Come Learn how to Grow Yourself! And learn how to connect and have the kind of relationship you want with your teen.

Click the link below to sign up.

Best Mom Ever Summit - Sign up Here!

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

Powerful Communication Principles

• Seek to first understand, then to be understood.
  • Listen
  • Validate
  • Seek to understand their model
    • What are their circumstances?
    • How do they think?
    • How are they feeling?
    • What are their actions?
    • What are the results they're creating and what results do they want to create?
  • Understand your own model.
  • Show that you either understand, or that you want to understand. 
• Catch and reprogram your automated responses
  • Your automated responses are likely to be unintentional, 
  • Catch it and replace it with an intentional response.
  • It helps me to explore different perspective. 
  • It helps me to explore different driving emotions. 
• Tell the whole truth. 
  • One of the things that kills communication is dishonesty
  • Be honest with yourself and others. 
  • Tell the WHOLE truth, not just the convenient of soft truth. 
• Be committed to YOUR relationship with them.
  • It's powerful to know that NOTHING you can ever do will change how someone feels towards you. 
  • Commit to your relationship with your teen, no matter what!
  • Your teen just wants to be heard, understood, and to belong. 
  • Commit to that.
• Speak from a space of service. 
  • This is a tricky one. 
  • It's not, "How can I fix you?" 
  • It's "How can I help you?"
• Seek to first understand, then to be understood.
  • Part of communication is being understood. 
  • We don't want to ignore this.
  • How can you make things relevant to your teen. 
  • How can you make things easier to understand?

Join The Firmly Founded Family!

The doors to the Firmly Founded Family membership are now open!

If you want a happier home, this membership is for you. 

If you want to give your teen the gift of having a life coach in their corner, this membership is for you and your teen. 

If you want this school year to go better than the last, and your not sure how to best support your teen, this membership is for you. 

There's no other membership that we know of that is designed to help both parents and teens. 

Inside the membership both you and your teen will get support you need to stop the fighting and struggling and start thriving. 

Join The Family Membership TODAY!

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

STOP Parenting By Other's Rules!

Okay, this is something that's come up in some of my recent 1:1 coaching session, and I wanted to bring this to your attention so you can hopefully STOP Parenting By Other's Rules. 

I've seen parents trying to parent according to the rules of their teens, their spouse or ex-spouse, or even their parents or in-laws.

The truth is, we all have "rules" for ourselves and others in the form of expectations, requests and manuals. 

If you are playing according to someone else's rules, you're not respecting your own rules and role. 

The problem is, if you try to parent according to someone else's rules, you will be unhappy. 

You will feel the strain of parenting out of alignment with your values. 

Give This Gift To Your Teens

Recently, I've been questioning the rules that I've allowed others to put in my life. 

This summer we have let my teen miss family events, church events, and other fun things, all in the name of football. 

The coaches told my son that kids who are serious about football don't miss practices. 

I've taught my son the importance of making his coaches happy and doing whatever they ask so they'll be more likely to give him playing time. 

The problem is, I'm reinforcing these "rules", made up by others with the best of intentions, in the life of my teen. 

The problems is, I'm reinforcing the subconscious belief that you need to conform to the rules of others. 

I'd rather teach him to live by his own rules. 

You can give this gift to your teen by showing the example of living by your own rules.

You can also support them when they want to live by a different set of rules. 

It's scary as a parent, to allow your teen to think for themselves and choose what rules they will and will not follow, but imagine how much happier your life would be if you weren't so worried about following other people's rules. 

This isn't to say that you can live by what ever rules you want without consequences. 

But, you can choose what rules you will play by and what consequences and outcomes you want. 

Define YOUR Rules and YOUR Role

If you want to stop parenting according to the rules of others, you'll need to take some time to define your own rules. 

The first step is to define your role as a parent. 

For me, I'm a teacher, coach, advocate, friend, and example. 

That's my job. I gave it to myself. I'm pretty good at it, though I still have room for growth. 

You get to define your own role. 

Next, start understanding the rules you're willing to live by. 

For me, I'm willing to pay my taxes. I go to church most Sundays because I want to. These are some of the rules of others that I'm willing to play by. 

Here are some rules that I'm not willing to follow, I'm not willing to work a traditional 9-5 job. I want to set my own rules when it comes to my business rather than following traditional employment rules. 

Drop Your Rules For Others

A mother that I recently worked with had a few rules for her son. 

• He should love me. 
• He should think I'm a good mom. 

The problem is, anything you think someone else should do is outside of your control. 

So, follow your own rules instead. 

• I will love me. 
• I will believe that I'm a good mom. 

The truth is, when you free people from the expectation to follow your rules, you liberate them and you liberate yourself. 

When you quit trying to live by the rules of others, you free up all that energy to be able to live by your own rules. 

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

Amanda Walker is AWESOME!

Amanda is a member of the Firmly Founded Family, expert on the nervous system, and a parenting life coach. 

I don't really structure my podcasts guest episodes. 

This episode is not different. 

The show notes are going to be limited. So, if you want all the good stuff, you're going to have to listen. 

Connect with Amanda here:

https://www.wholebrainconnections.com/

Or on Facebook here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/wholebrainconnections

People Connect Through Play

Use play as a tool to connect with your teens. 

Find ways to take interest in things that your teen is interested in. 

The power of play will bond you to your teen.

This will allow you and your teen to co-regulate.

Play Helps Harness the Power of Your Nervous System

Play helps regulate your nervous system. 

Play helps engage your whole brain. 

You can co-create things with your teen with play. 

Come Connect with Us LIVE and In Person!

Our Summer Slam is Saturday, July 30th from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm.

It will include powerful lessons, fun activities, and an awesome evening filled with board games and connection.

See you there!

https://www.firmlyfounded.com/event

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz