"Send Ben a text"

Why do you want to motivate your teen?

This is a powerful question and one that I have to remind myself of often. 

I've found that when I want to motivate my teen, it's because I want him to do life differently. I want HIM TO CHANGE. 

This has been consistent with the parents who are looking for help motivating their teens. They want to motivate them to be different and to do things differently. 

It's important to be aware of what we really want when we want to motivate our teens. It's powerful to get clear on what we want and to understand why we want it. 

Call to ACTION!

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You can have a rock-solid relationship with your teen!

It's easier than you think, and it WILL change everything. 

You will both be more resilient. I promise! 

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2. Download the debrief
3. Start with your own internal debrief.

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Relationships are part of resilience!

Resilience is a hot buzzword right now in education, which is making it be a hot buzzword in parenting too. 

This is great! It's important that we understand resilience and become more aware of what we are doing to increase our resilience. But, I worry that too many parents and teachers believe that they are not qualified to help our teens develop resilience. 

You are qualified! You have the tools to help your teen build resilience. 

In the article, The Road to Resilience, from The American Psychological Association, resilience is directly tied to our relationhsips. 

"Many studies show that the primary factor in resilience is having caring and supportive relationships within and outside the family. Relationships that create love and trust, provide role models, and offer encouragement and reassurance help bolster a person's resilience."
The Road to Resilience ~ The American Psychological Association

As a parent, you have the power to have a powerful impact on your teen's resilience. 

No, you can't force them to be resilient, you can't make them have a different mindset, but YOU CAN be a powerful force in their life. YOU CAN provide love, trust, support, examples, encouragement, and commitment to love and YOUR relationship with them.

As a principal, I made relationships a priority in our school and it changed EVERYTHING!

We held events with the specific goal of creating opportunities to connect our teachers and staff with our students and their parents. 

We did BBQs and Dutch oven deserts with our students and their parents. 

We did outdoor activities like kayaking, swimming, cliff jumping, and beach games with our students, all in an effort to provide opportunities to build relationships. 

We took our students to do fun activities with the staff, like playing laser tag, ice skating, hiking and exploring, and even going to theme parks. 

As a foster parent, my wife and I bent over backwards to treat our foster kids like family. When we did things as a family, WE ALL did those activities. We took our foster kids to theme parks, water parks, played games, and did anything in our power to provide opportunities to build relationships. 

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Are you ready to stop power struggling with your teenager?
Do you just want help and support from other parents just like you?
Are you ready to build a rock-solid relationship with your teen?

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Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

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1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
2. Download the debrief
3. Start with your own internal debrief.

"Send Ben a text"

How to discipline without drama.

• Keep Things in Perspective.
  • Remember that challenging parenting moments are nothing more than learning and teaching opportunities. 
  • Look inward:
    • What can you control?
    • What is your role?
    • How do you want to show up?
• Be emotionally intentional.
  • Model emotional control
  • This will help you build a rock-solid relationship
  • This will solidify the message you are teaching.
• Focus on your role and be intentional.
  • My role as a dad is to teach, coach, and support.
  • When I discipline, I try to keep this in mind and intentionally teach, coach, and support. 
  • Some situations call for different roles. 
• Practice teaching. 
  • Teach a skill.
  • Teach a benefit.
  • Teach the expectation. 
  • Teach the breakdown.
• Show support, connection, confidence, and closure. 
  • Show them that you're in their corner.
  • Seek to understand where they are coming from and connect with them there.
  • Show them that you have confidence in them and their ability to grow.
  • When the conversation closes, don't keep beating a dead horse. 

So, what can you do now?

Put this into practice. This will take discipline on your part. You will have to learn and develop your skills in this area. 

Trust that by YOU being true to your role and purpose as their parent, YOU WILL have a powerful impact on their life. 

Take the plunge and practice disciplining without drama TODAY!

The Doors Are Open! Become a Founding Member of Parenting with Perspective!

Do you want to become confident in your parenting?
Are you ready to stop power struggling with your teenager?
Do you just want help and support from other parents just like you?
Are you ready to build a rock-solid relationship with your teen?

You can achieve all of this and more by becoming a member of Parenting with Perspective!
As a member, you'll get:

• 🔥 Exclusive trainings for parenting teens in 2020,
• 📅 Weekly LIVE Zoom Calls
  • Monthly training
  • 2 times/month Q&A Zoom calls,
  • Monthly Guest Expert Call
• 🧑‍🤝‍🧑 Unlimited access to our community of like-minded parents,
• 🏆 Access to our expert coaches,
• 🎯 Learn ways to have a powerful impact on your teen's life,
• 😎 Build unshakable confidence in yourself as a parent,
• 🏗️ Build a rock-solid relationship with your teen,
• 📚 Access to our growing library of resources,

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Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

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1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
2. Download the debrief
3. Start with your own internal debrief.

"Send Ben a text"

Why is purpose so important? 

In Lewis Carroll's book, Alice in Wonderland, Alice comes to a fork in the road and asks, 

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'
'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
'I don't much care where -' said Alice.
'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat."

Many parents have never really taken the time to explore their purpose as a parent, which is totally understandable. I mean, it's not like anyone really ever asks us to think of things like this. 

Without a parenting purpose, it's easy to get distracted from what is most important to you. 

Without a defined purpose, role, or vision, you don't have the guidance of a goal. 

When we take time to define our purpose as a parent, we focus on the results that WE would like to achieve in OUR lives and in OUR role as parents. 

Defining our purpose gives us purpose and direction. 

Defining our purpose makes us proactive instead or reactive.

Who gets to define YOUR purpose?

First, let's look at the word define vs. find. 

I've heard people talk about finding their purpose. That's a little different. Finding suggests that we are looking for something. Finding suggests that we are at the mercy of whether or not we find whatever it is we are looking for. Finding puts our focus on something outside of ourselves. 

Defining our purpose is something within our control. Rather than looking for something outside of ourselves, we are looking within ourselves and creating our purpose. We are the ones in control. We are the ones creating the definition of our role as a parent. 

Your role and purpose will be unique to you. It will be shaped by your values, your characteristics, your life experiences, and the impact that you want to have. In other words, YOU are defining your own purpose as a parent. 

I have a friend who is big into hunting and camping, and everything outdoors. He see's his role as a teacher and example in passing down their family traditions and the importance of hunting, camping, fishing and other things. 

I have another friend who believes it is her role to be an example of having an open mind, being accepting of others, and treating others with love and kindness. 

I believe that my role is to be a coach, teacher, and example. This gives my guidance and direction in ALL parenting situations. 

How to define your purpose.

• Brainstorm
  • Take 5-10 minutes to write your thoughts on this. 
  • Look inward:
    • What are your values?
    • What is your role?
    • How would you like to be remembered?
• Define
  • Clearly write down your purpose. 
  • Make it clear and concise. 
  • Make sure it is aligned with your values.
• Refine
  • Your purpose doesn't need to be set in stone. 
  • You can change and refine your purpose as you change and grow. 
  • Your purpose is alive and ever-changing. 

Remember, this is YOUR purpose. You get to define it. You can do it your own way. There is no right or wrong way to do this. If you want help with t

Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

Go download the FREE Parenting Debrief Guide.

It’s simple and quick. It will help you uplevel your parenting. And, it’s completely FREE!

1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
2. Download the debrief
3. Start with your own internal debrief.

"Send Ben a text"

What makes a conversation "difficult"? 

Parents tell me all the time that they don't like having "difficult" conversations with their teens. 

"I don't like confrontation," some say. Or, "I don't want to make them uncomfortable."

So, let's get curious for a minute. 

What is it that makes a conversation difficult?

It's what we think about it. It's what we think the other person is thinking about it. It's a million other thoughts, but it always comes down to our thoughts. 

It's not that sex or pornography are inherently difficult things to talk about them, it just that we have a bunch of thoughts that make it hard to talk about. Thoughts like:

• "This is going to be weird," or
• "People don't talk about sex or pornography," or
• "This isn't normal."

"Difficult" conversations DON'T have to be "difficult."

And, it's 100% okay to feel some discomfort!

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Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

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1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
2. Download the debrief
3. Start with your own internal debrief.

"Send Ben a text"

This book is all about YOUR relationship with others. 

This is the #1 book that I recommend to others, parents, school leaders, EVERYONE!

Tons of people say, "Oh, I don't like leadership books," or "I don't like self-improvement books."

I get it, self-improvement books aren't for everyone; BUT, this book is different!

It's actually a fable, a made up story just to teach a lesson, and it's so good. 

The first time I read it, it blew my mind!

It completely changed my mindset and how I thought of others. It changed my relationship with my wife, my children, my foster kids, my students at school, and my co-workers. This book has changed my life!

So many times, when our relationship with others is struggling, we blame the other person. This book give you real tools to help YOU change. This book teaches life lessons that will change YOUR mindset, which will change everything for YOU!

This book will empower you!

It will give you hope for new possibilities, and it will inspire you and motivate you to try something different.

Get the rest of the show notes at: https://benpughcoaching.com/15

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Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

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1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
2. Download the debrief
3. Start with your own internal debrief.

"Send Ben a text"

Control is Impossible

This is a really hard one for parents, even myself. We have this natural desire to control our teens. 

Think back a decade or so, when our teens were young kids and smaller, we could control a lot of aspects of their lives. When we asked them to get in the car, if they said "No," we could simply pick them up and strap them in a car seat. We were in control. Mission accomplished: kid and car and securely strapped in with no chance of escape. 

Now, if your teen is anything like mine, it'd be nearly impossible for me to force him into a car or prevent his escape. As much as we think we want to control our teens, the extreme measures that it would require, are laughable. 

I often ask clients to explore just what it would take to control their teens. Every answer has been extreme, from tying their teens to a chair, or medically sedating them, ultimately every parent agrees that not only is it to extreme to control their teen, but that that they don't actually want to control them. 

Control Kills Connection

When we try to control our teens, we are trying to connect with them where we want them instead of where they are. This is an example of trying to connect with a teen that doesn't actually exist.

This results in a weak connection with our teen. Think about it, as an adult and a parent, how do you feel towards people who tell you that you're not good enough, or that you need to fix x, y and z? 

When we try to control our teens, we're basically telling them, "You're not good enough to handle life, so I'll take it from here." This creates feelings of distrust and resentment on both sides of the relationship.

What's the Difference In IMPACT vs. CONTROL?

Impact is inward focused on the only thing we can control, ourselves. Impact is focused on OUR impact. The impact that WE want to have and leave behind. 

Whereas control is focusing on our teen, something definitely outside of our control. Rather than focusing on our own result, our impact, we try to focus on our teen's results, their choices. 

Having an impact means that we show up intentionally to parent in a way that is inline with our purpose and vision for OURSELVES. I have an impact as a dad by intentionally teaching and coaching. I'm not doing it to change my teen or my kids, I'm doing it so that I am consistent with my purpose and vision as a dad. 

The Action's the Same, But The Intention Changes EVERYTHING!

In a recent coaching call my client said, "Well, I'd do the exact same action, but my intention changes my result. It changes EVERYTHING!"

What if you grounded your teen, or took away privileges, but you were doing it to teach a lesson to fulfill your role as a parent? All of a sudden, your focus is on you teaching a lesson rather than changing your teen. 

Rather than taking the car away to punish them into changing, what if you took the care away to help teach them responsibility. If they learn responsibility, great! If not, it's no big deal, you'll continue teaching and supporting them. 

Control is Temporary, IMPACT is Eternal. 

Your days of controlling your kids is temporary. As they grow, develop, and mature, they need to develop more and more control over their own lives.
In order for them to learn how to control their life, they need you to give up contr

Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

Go download the FREE Parenting Debrief Guide.

It’s simple and quick. It will help you uplevel your parenting. And, it’s completely FREE!

1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
2. Download the debrief
3. Start with your own internal debrief.

"Send Ben a text"

What is Connection?

When I talk about connecting with your teen, I'm talking about YOU building YOUR relationship with them.

You CANNOT control how your teen feels about you! You can do everything "right," only to have them hate and despise you. Connection is all about YOU controlling YOU and the things within YOUR control. 

How do you feel about your teen?

How do you treat your teen, even when they are miserably difficult?

Why Is Connecting Where They Are SO IMPORTANT!?

When we try to change our teens, or we try to connect with them where we want them to be, we are trying to connect with someone who doesn't even exist. 

When we spend time wishing our teens was more respectful, more studious, more thoughtful, more kind, more clean, less lazy, less anxious, whatever . . . 

. . . We're try to connect with a different teen than the one that actually exists. 

When we connect with our teen where they are, it shows them that they ARE good enough, that we love them no matter what, and that we are trying to understand. 

4 Keys for a Rock Solid Relationship?

Access the FREE 15 minute Video Teen Relationship Tune-Up at:

BenPughCoaching.com/Teen-Relationship/

1. Commit to Love
   
   
2. Respect THEIR Process
   
   
3. Stop trying to control/fix them. 
   
   
4. Take 100% responsibility.

How to Connect With Your Teen, Right Exactly Where They Are!

We're going to build on the relationship training that I referred to above. I recommend that you go watch the FREE 15 minute training. You can access it here: BenPughCoaching.com/Teen-Relationship/.

1. Become interested in what they are interested in. 
   • My teen and pre-teen LOVE Fortnite. 
2. My 13 year old loves football. 
   • I help coach his little league team. 
3. Learn how to listen
   
   
4. Give them a voice in decisions
   • Let them have a voice in family rules.
   • Let them voice their concerns.
   • Let them help come up with (+/-) consequences.
   • Follow their guidance. 
5. Get curious
   • A while ago my son told me that he wanted to drop out of school. 
   • My instinct was to get upset and yell, "No!"
   • Instead, I got curious and questioned, "What would it take for me to be okay with him dropping out?"
   • I told him he could drop out, with some stipulations, but that I would do everything I could to support him. 
   • We had a great couple of weeks trying to figure out how to make $50K as a teen (one of the stipulations).
   • He decided he wanted to stay in school. 
6. Drop shame, fear, and judgement around mistakes. 
   • Share your mistakes with them. 
   • Embrace their mistakes. 
   • Help them see that it's simply part of the process and specifically part of their process. 
   • Trust in their resilience. 
   • Trust that they CAN recover from ANYTHING and EVERYTHING!

This WILL Help You Connect with Them!

This will deepen your connection with your teen. 

You will feel closer to them. You will understand them better. You will be confident in their ability to conquer life. You will spend less time worrying about them. You will spend less time fighting with them. 

Try it!

Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

Go download the FREE Parenting Debrief Guide.

It’s simple and quick. It will help you uplevel your parenting. And, it’s completely FREE!

1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
2. Download the debrief
3. Start with your own internal debrief.

"Send Ben a text"

What is Shame?

“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” ~Brené Brown

“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” ~Brené Brown

Shame drives parents and teens apart and creates a belief that you’re not good enough.

1. Emotion
   • It’s a feeling caused by a thought (conscious or unconscious) 
   • It goes hand in hand with our personal narrative, inner dialogue, the stories we tell ourselves.
   • When we feel shame, we believe there is something wrong with us. 
   • We start to look at ourselves negatively. 
2. Action 
   • We look at others negatively.
   • We try to manipulate their emotions negatively. 
   • We assume that there’s a better way.
     • And that they should be doing better.  
     • “You should have…”
     • “You should …”
     • “You need …”
     • “You’re not  ____ enough.”
     • “You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
3. Culture
   1. How we look at things that are different from ourselves, our expectations, or our desired outcomes. 
      1. We see shame in:
         • Politics
         • Religion
         • Race
         • Sports
         • Education
   2. It's our mindsets and belief
      • Right vs. Wrong
      • Good vs. Evil
      • Normal vs. Abnormal
      • Superior vs. Inferior
   3. It's a way to push agendas, social conformity, and it often lifts one group above another. 

What Can We Do About Shame?

1. Our own emotion vs. someone else’s emotion
   • Allow the shame.
   • Explore the shame.
     • Often we want to push it away.
       • Ignoring it or pushing it to others with blaming.
     • We hide, get mad, or buffer.
       • The only way to process the emotion is to allow it. 
     • Become aware of our own shame.
       • Understand why we are feeling shame. What are the thoughts causing it?
       • Question the thoughts. Why do I think that?
     • Become intentional about your own shame.
       • Think on purpose.
       • Practice allowing, awareness, and intentionality. 
2. The action of shaming
   • “You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.” ~Brené Brown 
   • When you do it.
     • Become aware of it. 
       • When do you do it? 
       • What are you feeling?
       • What are you thinking?
     • Act intentionally.
   • When others do it.
     • Realize that you CANNOT change them. 
     • Choose whether or not to believe their thoughts. 
     • No one can make you feel shame.
     • People can “shame” you, but you don’t have to feel shame. 
     • Don’t shame back. 
3. Culture of shame. 
   • Embrace everyone as equality valuable
   • Think in terms of right AND wrong, instead of right OR wrong. 
   • Strive to understand
   • Trust that everyone is doing their best!
   • Trust that you are doing your best. 

You CANNOT Change Others, BUT You CAN Be The Change You Are Looking For!

You can't change others, but YOU CAN change yourself. 

We are all guilty of shaming people. It's okay, let's just commit to moving forward and becoming more intentional. 

Trust that YOU ARE doing your best. And, give EVERYO

Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

Go download the FREE Parenting Debrief Guide.

It’s simple and quick. It will help you uplevel your parenting. And, it’s completely FREE!

1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
2. Download the debrief
3. Start with your own internal debrief.

"Send Ben a text"

"It ain't about how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward."
~Rocky Balboa

Resilience for parents and teens. 

Parents worry that their teens are still struggling, worry that their teens don’t have resilience, worry that things are too hard. 

You and your teens are human, you are going to struggle. 

Developing resilience means that you are struggling, doing hard things, and getting stronger and better equipped to handle all of life’s struggles and adversity. 

When parents and teens understand what resilience is and how to develop it, struggles become an opportunity for growth and strength. 

Resilience leads to self-confidence, and self-confidence leads to resilience. This is a cycle. 

Dr. Ivan Joseph said, “Self-confidence is the ability to believe in yourself to accomplish any task, no matter the odds, no matter the difficulty,  no matter the adversity.” 

What Resilience IS NOT vs What Resilience IS:

❌ Resilience is not a character trait that we are born with.
✔️ Resilience is a skill that we have to learn, practice, and develop.
❌ It is not a one-time achievement.
✔️ It is a daily process, practice, and commitment.
❌ It doesn’t magically make things easy or easier.
✔️ It is a commitment to do hard things.
❌ Resilience is not something you simply learn or do.
✔️ Resilience is something that you learn, practice, do, and become. 

How to develop resilience with M.E.S.S.: 

🧠 M-Mindset is key to developing resilience! 

🧡 E-Emotion

🎯 S-Skill

💪 S-Struggle

You can’t change your teen, but you can be the change.

Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
I say, “Be the change you want to see in your teen.”

This will take your focus off of your teen (who you can’t control) and bring your focus back onto yourself (the only one you can control). It's natural as a parent to want to lighten the load that our teens face. It's easy to worry that our teen's struggles will be too much, of that they will somehow "ruin their life" with their mistakes.

But the truth is, it is our teens' struggles that are making them stronger. It's their mistakes and struggles that give them valuable experience. Lots of parents come to me, worried that their teens are making "too many mistakes," or "ruining their life" somehow.

They want to know that everything will be okay. 

Your teen cannot ruin their life! They are resilient; they have the power to bounce back from EVERYTHING!

Trust that your teen has the resilience that they need to recover from everything. They do, and it starts with YOU believing in them! You see, your teen wants to believe that everything will be okay too. If you believe it, they'll believe it.

I can help you believe in your teen's resilience. I can help you develop the mindset and skills to boost your own resilience, which will boost your teen’s resilience too.
Join the 5 Day Be The Change Challenge

If you haven't yet, join our FREE Be the Cha

Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

Go download the FREE Parenting Debrief Guide.

It’s simple and quick. It will help you uplevel your parenting. And, it’s completely FREE!

1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
2. Download the debrief
3. Start with your own internal debrief.