IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

"Ask Ben a Question"

What is Neurocontrast and Neurodivergent?

Neurodivergent is the opposite of neurotypical, often adhd, odd, dyslexia a diagnosis of some type. 

Neurocontrast is a little more inclusive. Everyone's brain is different. 

Learning is Learning, and Your Teen IS Learning

Everyone's brain develops differently. We learn at different speeds. We learn different things at different times. 

Your teen is learning, whether you see it or not.

Crystal lets her kids learn to read when they are ready and interested. 

Development happens at different stages. Let your teens learn when they are ready.

The human brain can't help but learn and grow! And it learns what it sees as the priority first.

Learning happens naturally. You don't have to make it happen.

It's Not "Misbehavior" Kids are Always Doing Their Best

When we can see that our kids are doing their best, it changes how we parent. 

When we can show our kids that they are learning, and they are doing their best, and that is good enough. 

Your teen's behavior is just communication. What are they trying to tell you? What's the root cause?

Build a Connection

When you have a connection with your teen, you can model the behavior that you want your teen to learn.

Shift your focus from what you can't control, and focus on what you can control, your relationship with your teen.

Think of your favorite teacher. The reason you liked them is because you had a relationship with them.

This is what your teen is looking for. 

Believe it or not, you teen want's you to connect with them.

Connect with your teen as they are rather than trying to connect as you want them to be.

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

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Common Mistakes When Setting Boundaries

I'm not trying to judge you or how you set boundaries. I'm just trying to share some of the common pitfalls that I've noticed parents often make when trying to set boundaries. 

Usually, the only reason I would call it a "mistake" is that it doesn't create the results that they are looking for. 

• MISTAKE:
  Setting boundaries to control your teen.
• SECRET TIP:
  Shift your focus from your teen (something outside of your control) to what you can control, how you will respond.
• MISTAKE:
  Setting boundaries to get your teen to change or do something different.
• SECRET TIP:
  Again, this is focused on changing your teen or getting them to do something different, both outside of your control. It's better to focus on what YOU CAN CONTROL, you and how you will think, feel, and act.
• MISTAKE:
  Trying to be "COOL" and setting no boundaries.
• SECRET TIP:
  Don't worry about being cool. Sometimes your teen will not like your boundaries, and that's okay!
• MISTAKE:
  Making boundaries super complicated.
• SECRET TIP:
  The best boundaries are simple and clear.
• MISTAKE:
  Setting boundaries without even attempting to get your teen's input or getting them on board.
• SECRET TIP:
  When possible give your teen a voice. Give them the opportunity to chime in and help make the boundaries even better.
• MISTAKE:
  Setting boundaries out of anger and/or fear.
• SECRET TIP:
  Fear and anger rarely help you be the parent of your dreams. Love, curiosity, gratitude, and hope tend to help parents be more like that totally awesome version of themselves that they imagined back when they were teens. Try setting boundaries out of love, curiosity, gratitude, and hope. 

Boundaries are Important for YOU and YOUR TEEN! 

Sometimes boundaries aren't fun. Brené Brown boundaries as a "parenting sacrifice, or is [the] the process by which we make family sacred?

Be willing to do this process. 

How you set and hold boundaries will give your teens an example of how to set and hold boundaries. 

Boundaries will give your teen structure, safety, and the power to exercise their own choices. 

Boundaries will give you structure, safety, and a guide for how you want to parent in the face of your teen's choices.

Boundaries will improve your relationship with your teen. 

Join our Herd!

Human beings are herd animals. We are unintentional about most of the herds we are a part of.

You have the opportunity to intentionally join a herd of like-minded parents who want to grow! You can be part of a herd that will help grow and develop. 

Want to join the Firmly Founded Parent?

Join now while the doors are open.

https://www.firmlyfounded.com/parent

Want to join the Firmly Founded Teen?

Join now while the doors are open.

https://www.firmlyfounded.com/teen

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

Sorry for the short show notes again, but I'm still recovering from Covid-19 and I didn't plan this episode ahead of time.

Stefanie, Real Life Parent from FFP

The Firmly Founded Parent teaches things that are different than what the world would have you believe.

The world would teach you that "It's your job to control your teen," but we teach that it's NOT your job to control your teen. 

It's your job to control yourself!

It's your job to manage your mind, your emotions, and your actions. 

Wanting Coaching vs "Needing" Coaching

You don't "need" coaching, you want coaching. 

Needing coaching comes from a place of shame. 

Wanting coaching comes from a place of desire and hope.

You Are Doing Better Than You Think! 

You are a good parent! You are doing exactly what you should be doing as a parent. 

The world tells us that we should do parenting one "right" way. You get to parent your own way. 

You are on your own hero's journey. 

Grow into being the parent of your dreams. 

Join our Herd!

Human beings are herd animals. We are unintentional about most of the herds we are a part of.

You have the opportunity to intentionally join a herd of like-minded parents who want to grow! You can be part of a herd that will help grow and develop. 

Want to join the Firmly Founded Parent? The doors open again on Monday (APRIL 25)

Join while the doors are open.

https://www.firmlyfounded.com/parent

Want to join the Firmly Founded Teen?

Join while the doors are open.

https://www.firmlyfounded.com/teen

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

Sorry for the shortest show notes ever, but I've got Covid-19 and a killer headache.

What You CAN and CAN NOT Control

It's not your job to ensure your child's safety, happiness, or success. 

This is hard when it comes to self-harm and suicide. We tend to think that we need to protect our children. At the end of the day, we can only do what is within our control. 

We cannot control whether our children self-harm. We cannot control how our children think or feel. 

We can only control our own thoughts, feelings, and actions

Who's Going To Take Care of YOU?

No one can take care of you for you. 

The better you manage your thoughts, feelings, and actions, the more impact you will have on your teen's life. 

You can be the change that you want to see in your teen. This will help give you purpose and perspective. You don't have to change, control, or fix your teen. 

Sara Visser and Her Retreat! 

If you'd like to learn more about Sara and her work you can visit her at:

https://www.findhopecoaching.com/

If you'd like to learn more about her retreat in May 2022, you can learn more at:

https://findhopecoaching.org/

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

Imperfection Is Part of Being Human

One of the things that I see all the time with both my teen clients and my parent clients is frustration about not being "better."

If you're like many of my clients, you have been frustrated with yourself for not being "better."

Maybe you yelled at your teen, and you wish you could go back in time and unsay some of the things you said. 

Maybe you didn't handle a situation with your spouse exactly how you wanted to, or maybe you made a mistake and you're having to live with the consequences. 

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES!

No one is perfect. That is part of being human. 

Being imperfect is part of being a parent. 

So now what?

Your Best IS Good Enough!

I want to help you trust that your best IS good enough. 

In fact, it's better than good enough. It's all that's possible, ever. 

And, it's PERFECT!

That's right, your imperfect parenting is PERFECT for what you and your child need. 

So, carry on! Keep doing your best! 

Own it! Pat yourself on the back for a job well done and continue on!

I'm Not Perfect, So Now What?

Okay, so we've established that being human means that you're not going to be perfect. 

So, now what?

Below, I'm going to share 3 simple things to do when you find yourself being less than "perfect."

#1 Acceptance, Gratitude, and Love

My childhood wasn't "perfect", but it was EXACTLY what I needed. 

I've made TONS of mistakes in my life, but it turns out those mistakes were EXACTLY what I needed to become me.

In fact, without the exact childhood that I had or all of my mistakes, I wouldn't be who I am today. 

If you're like me, you wouldn't be who you are today without the exact childhood that you had. 

There's no going back and changing or "fixing" your childhood or undoing your mistakes. 

So, you might as well accept it and be grateful for how it's helped you become the parent you are today. 

 It can be hard to accept our imperfections and mistakes. 

It can be even harder to be grateful for our imperfections and mistakes.

But I want to invite you to connect with yourself Right Where You Are! Imperfections and all. 

As you develop the skill of accepting yourself as you are, it will be easier to show yourself some gratitude. With gratitude for yourself, it will be easier to show yourself love and kindness. 

You have always done your best. You are still doing your best! 

And, that's perfect!

#2 Improve Your Best 

One of the things that I've noticed as a football coach is that your best at the beginning of the season looks a lot different than your best at the end of the season. 

After one season of football, I've seen kids grow physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I've seen kids grow in their skills and abilities. 

You can do the same thing!

Your best today won't look like your best in a year from now, especially after listening to the podcast, joining the membership, and practicing all of these amazing skills. 

Don't compare yourself to others and don't compare yourself with this mythical "perfect" version of you. 

Just give your best today and continue the work of improving your best. 

#3 Enjoy the Process!

This one is very important, and it's one that lots of parents forget. 

Enjoy the process. 

There's nothing wrong with starting right where you are right now. It's okay that it might take you some time. 

Embrace the process and find ways to enjoy it. 

In my experience as a football coach, the best football players are the ones who enjoy the process of working to be their best. 

On the other hand, the players who constan

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

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No Matter What I Do, My Teen Won't Change

One of the things that I hear a lot is, "We've tried EVERYTHING, and nothing we do works."

To which I usually ask, "How do you know nothing is working?"

And the parents typically replay, "My teen won't change."

If you've ever thought that "nothing is working" when it comes to your teens, it's probably because you are focused on changing your teen.

My favorite question that I often get from parents is, "My teen won't change, now what?"

The reason I like that question so much is because it typically means that they've tried changing their teen, they've realized that they can't change their teen, and they want to know what they CAN do.

If this is you, and you're starting to realize that you can't change your teen, and you're left wondering, "Now what!?!" this podcast is for you. 

Where Is Your Attention?

One of the reasons that I like this question is because it reflects a shift in attention. It shows that the parents are willing to shift their attention from changing their teen to something else, "Now what?"

Most parents get stuck fixating their attention on the behavior of their teen. They catastrophize about all the things that are going "wrong" and the scary worst-case scenarios that are possible. 

If you want to change your teen, your attention is on something that you can't control, your teen.

But, when you ask "Now what?" you shift your attention to new possibilities. 

"Now What?" has limitless possibilities.

Often, when parents come to me asking, "Now what?" there is a sense of desperation. 

They feel like they've tried everything, that nothing works, and their desperation positions them to be willing to explore new options. 

So, Now What?

First of all, don't beat yourself up for not being able to change, fix, or control your teen. 

It's not your job. You don't have the power to change, fix, or control your teen. 

You haven't done anything wrong, so please show yourself some compassion. 

And second, take all of that energy that you were spending on your teen and spend it on you.

That's right, let go of the things outside of your control and embrace the things that you can control yourself. 

For some parents, this looks like letting your teen be grumpy, depressed, and unhappy, and shifting your focus from making them happy to being happy yourself.

For some parents it looks like exploring ways that you can be the change that you want for your teen. 

For example, one of the things that parents ask all the time is, "How can I help my teen be more confident?"

My answer is usually, "How can you be the change you're looking for? How can you be more confident? How can you be more confident in your teen?"

Bottom line is, there are countless things that you can do, EVEN if your teen isn't willing to do anything different.

Simply ask yourself the question, "Now what?" and go with whatever you come up with. 

Call to ACTION!

Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! It's better than ever!

JOIN HERE!

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

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Parenting From Fear

Parenting from fear is common for parents, and it's a symptom of focusing on things outside of your control. When we do this, we typically catastrophize and see all the things that could go wrong.

Theresa was afraid that her teen would be arrested. She was worried that he'd be behind bars and "ruin" his life.

This caused Theresa to yell and try to control her teen. 

She thought that she needed to fix him and protect him from himself.

Parenting From Shame

It's also common to parent from shame and worry about what others are thinking about you. This is another symptom of focusing on things outside of your control

Theresa believed that others were thinking that she was a terrible mother and that it was her job to fix her teen. 

If you are experiencing shame as a parent, it's likely because you are worried about what others think about you. 

Also, if you worry that you aren't good enough, or if you worry that you are somehow ruining your teen, this will cause feelings of shame and inadequacy. 

Made Small Simple Shifts In the Beginning

When Theresa shifted her mindset, she was able to change how she behaved towards him. Making these simple things helped her stop yelling at her teen. It helped her better connect with her teen. 

Everything Changed When her Mindset Changed

When Theresa realized that she didn't have to catastrophize, she was able to realize that there were benefits to her son's behavior. Though she didn't agree with him selling vapes, she was able to find peace in the thought that he was learning business skills. 

Changing from The Inside Out

When you start managing your own thoughts, you start changing on the inside. 

When Theresa started BEing the change, the change rippled out and impacted her teen. 

Theresa's growth and change are a reflection of the growth and change that Theresa experienced. 

When we change on the INSIDE, our outside environment changes to match our frequency.

Harness Your Energy

Stop focusing on things outside of your control and focus on what you can control. Use that energy to be the BEST version of you that you can possibly be. 

When you refocus your attention, you can use that energy to change your thought patterns and start thinking in a more powerful way. 

Call to ACTION!

Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! 

Start being the parent of your dreams TODAY!

JOIN HERE!

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

Awareness, Acceptance, and Intentionality

Have you ever been dissatisfied and launched into action to try to fix it?

I'm going on a diet. I'm starting an exercise program. I'm getting a new job. I'm getting a coach.

These are all examples of launching into DOING new or more or different things. 

The problem is, if you haven't gained awareness and acceptance, you're basically throwing darts in the dark.

Einstein said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

Gaining awareness, acceptance, and intentionality will help you level up your consciousness.

Observer Effect

In science, there's a phenomenon called The Observer Effect. 

Basically, scientists noticed that by simply observing an experiment, it changed the outcome. 

By simply observing things in your life, awareness, you can completely change your outcomes. 

Observation is a powerful tool when it comes to awareness. 

Position yourself as an observer and start watching and being aware of what's going on in your life. 

Awareness and the Self-Coaching Model

I love using the Self-Coaching Model from Brooke Castillo to help me develop awareness. 

Acceptance Is Necessary

Sometimes when you gain awareness, it's tempting to want to launch right into intention and to change everything that you've found that you don't like. 

You might find that once you have better awareness, you don't like what you find. This might lead to shame and disappointment.

The key is to accept what you find. 

It's okay. Nothing has gone wrong. 

If you cannot accept where you are and what you've learned from awareness, it's because of your own judgments about it. 

Intention Is Power

Once you've gained awareness, and once you've accepted what you've found, you can now move into intention.

Most people live in a reactionary state. This is one of the things that keeps parents stuck when it comes to BEing the parent of their dreams. They are so busy reacting and putting out fires that they don't have any mental and emotional bandwidth to be intentional. 

The goal is to be intentional with our energy and to do the important things that are not urgent. 

Sure, there will still be some urgent and important things that come up, but as you become more intentional, you will find that you have fewer fires to put out. 

The BE-DO-HAVE Model

You'll find that as you develop awareness and acceptance, and move forward with intentionality, you will find it easier to operate from the BE-DO-HAVE Model. 

Typically, when you try to parent from a place of ignorance rather than awareness, you try to focus more on the DOING. 

When you try to parent from a place of judgment rather than acceptance, you tend to focus more on the HAVING. 

When you follow the simple pattern of First Awareness, Second Acceptance, and Third Intention, it shifts your focus to your BEING. 

The Power of Awareness, Acceptance, and Intentionality

One of the things that I've found is that this simple process of awareness, acceptance, and intentionality makes life easier as a parent. 

It positions you as the hero rather than the victim. It will help to be responsible for your results rather than blaming or accusing others. 

This will help you be more intentional about how you think, feel, and act, rather than simply reflecting the thoughts, feelings, and actions of those around you. 

Call to ACTION!

Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! 

Start being the parent of your dreams TODAY!

JOIN HERE!

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

The World Thinks We Need To Better Love OTHERS

It seems like there's a lot of talk of loving one another or simply loving others, but I believe it starts with your ability to love yourself.

Most People Ignore Their Self Love

If you don't love yourself, it makes it hard to love others. 

Most people completely ignore their own self-love and focus on whether or not others love them. 

You don't have to "make" others love you. 

Loving yourself is not Narcisistic

Loving yourself doesn't mean that you are better than others. 

Loving yourself means having your own back.

I'm going to own all of me. 

Loving yourself is not comparing yourself to others. 

Loving yourself by choosing NOT to compare yourself to others is the best way.

Why is It Important To Avoid Comparisons

Comparison creates frustration. 

Even when you compare others with others, it puts your focus on things outside of your control. 

When you compare yourself to others, it likely leads to unhappiness. 

When we compare ourselves, we don't hold compassion.

When we compare others, we don't hold compassion. 

Comparing yourself to others is natural human behavior. 

Teach your teen to not compare themselves to others start by not comparing yourself to others.

Create A Love List

What do you love about yourself?

Come up with 5 things that you love about yourself. 

Teach your brain to find things that you love about yourself. 

Most people focus on the things that they don't love about themselves. 

Everyone has unique strengths, talents, and gifts.

Love yourself for what you love about yourself, not what the world loves about you. 

Sometimes we don't even notice our strengths. 

Practice finding your strengths and loving yourself for who you are!

What the world need now is LOVE

Love yourself. Our current social status is a reflection of our inner love. Learn how to love yourself. 

Explore, How Can I Love Myself More?

Firmlyfounded.com/selflove

The more you love yourself, the more easily you will be able to love others. 

If you lack self-confidence, it's because you lack self-love.

When you love yourself, you can trust yourself to be yourself!

Call to ACTION!

Download the FREE 5 Step PDF to Start Loving Yourself More!

Start Loving YOU!

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

"Ask Ben a Question"

What holds Parents Back?

DOing things "Right."

There's no right or wrong way from parenting.

SO many different ways. 

"I'm going to try this . . . "

Trust that you are doing things exactly how they should be.

Being afraid of doing it wrong will paralyze you. This leads to disappointment and regret. 

The "Wrong Way" Can Totally Be the "Right Way!"

No matter what, you can turn tough parenting moments into powerful parenting moments.

You don't have to be perfect. 

Just do your best!

Wanting Your Teen To Like You

I don't know if my teen likes me or not. I'm just going to make sure that I like them. 

This will help you make better choices. 

Remind yourself that you've never done this before. 

You can't control whether or not your teen likes you. 

Parenting Ways of Being 

Wanting to BE "Right" will disconnect you with your teen.

BEing the learner will help to connect you. 

My Kid is a Great Kid, AND . . . 

Helps you realize that nothing has gone wrong. 

My teen can fail math, AND they can still be successful. 

My teen can have a messy room, AND it's okay. 

This will help you limit catastrophizing. 

What to Hear More From Heidi

You can listen to Heidi's Podcast "Confidence Coaching with Heidi Benjaminsen" by clicking the link below:
https://heidibenjaminsen.com/podcast/

You can check out her website here:
https://heidibenjaminsen.com/

Call to ACTION!

Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! 

Start being the parent of your dreams TODAY!

JOIN HERE!

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz