It's All My Fault

*Spoiler Alert* for It's All My Fault e0122

I have a very direct, and thus emotionally raw, moment talking about suicidal intent in this one. This is a mental state I have grappled with at various times in life and believe I have finally overcome.

This does not mean I have answers. I have my honest experiences to share. Nothing else.

The raw pain of that is shown here. I have no idea what else to say so I'll leave it at that.

late4werk.agin

• Episode 16 of 53

Does the AK-47 keep me awake? Not really...maybe a little. It's more the unanswered questions about my life. Which does not currently include asking about what my place in the universe should be.

That part, I got. At least this morning...this moment of this morning...mostly.

But this immediate human life experience? That part is so tiresome to try and nail down.

late4werk.agin

• Episode 15 of 53

Trying to maintain value by removing the pressure all those notes were creating is what I've got going on here. Or were those notes my key to structure, relevancy and focus? Nope pressure. Just pressure...self-imposed? Sure. But pressure.

Always amirite?

late4werk.agin

• Episode 14 of 53

Listening to some of these is like taking an unexpectedly cold shower. Others are like a "don't-think-about-its-history" cheap motel jacuzzi bubble jet synthetic tub experience. Still others are like sponge bathing in a rural highway gas station restroom with a door that won't lock.

And then there are the episodes like this one... um... yeah.

The episodes that are like bathing in a where-did-that-come-from wall of freezing watery muck that happens so fast it suffocates you instantaneously while the suddenly sub-freezing temperatures preserve you in a form of suspended animation so perfectly that it allows the contents of your stomach's last meal to be readily identified by a team of scientists who unearth you thousands of years into the future, meaning thousands of years after said bathing misfortune took place...

...um... yeah

...kinda like that.

late4werk.agin

• Episode 13 of 53

I've got my Sweet Sixteen "Job Satisfaction Index" bracket and it's all filled out, most of which I remember to talk about in thus recording...mostly.

Y tù? UNO momento... Holy guacamole!!! OMGOMGOMG!!!!

As I type this, it's NCAA Madness Marching time. Literally. Those games should be happening right now, like now, like right now. Where's my tv...remote...

I am stunned that I didn't connect the dots consciously until this very second.

I, mean I just, I ... can not believe it... at all. Madness Marching. Indeed.

late4werk.agin

• Episode 12 of 53

This episode goes to 11.

Or at least the latest hero of mine featured right here ...he is a total 11.

And I suppose the squishy-faced delivery I eventually devolve into en route to getting this hero's journey across the finish line...that might get scored an 11 ... or a 12 even. Depending on what country the judges are from...amirite?

Here I admit I'm mentalizing out too many initiatives and motivations for my emotional composure to maintain itself. Unlike prior similar circumstances, in It's All My Fault e0116, I barely hold on, but I do.

Will your fragility expose itself like mine does throughout this entire entry? Of course not, not you. I have total faith in you.

Myself? Well cloudy with a high probability for moisture is me at my very best lately...so it's been going.

But you? You're so sunshiney I gotta find my shades or at least squint when I see you.

late4werk.agin

• Episode 10 of 53

Confessing at the meta level here feels like work, like a job that I'm late showing up for my shift. Certainly moreso than the work involved sharing stories of past idiocy.

I mean there's got to be some of that in here... it is still me and me alone just talking away til the end of the day...and unfortunately only me is involved in that fray...until the cat suddenly meows...or the dog jumps in the way...so it will keep going until the end of my days.

At least somehow, some way, all of this works out okay.

Namaste?

late4werk.agin

• Episode 9 of 53

Dreaming about great white sharks ripping my body apart was my residue reward for seeing the movie Jaws way too young...until it wasn't. Wait what? Yeah, and stopping the shark dreams had nothing to do with being a W.A.M. so I had to take care of them without any advantages supporting my fragility.

A what..a wam, no wammies? WtF is that? Seriously. Being obtuse is not cool nor mysterious so stop it.

Roger that.

late4werk.agin

• Episode 8 of 53

The answer was not 42. It was 73.

The question?

How many days into this project until the day arrives when I am unable to conjure one single thought worth recording?

Yeah, yeah...you may have already handed out that award, I get it. Unfortunately, I'm here today to prove to you that you did so prematurely.

late4werk.agin

• Episode 7 of 53