It's Scary To Remarry

Wonder how men vet women to see if they are marriage material?  Disclaimer: most men just want to sleep with as many women as possible. Marriage isn't the first thing on his mind. The word vet is defined as: Make a careful and critical examination.

How do you maintain during trying times with COVID plaguing so many marriages and relationships? Joining me today is special guest marriage enthusiast Matt Walker. In this segment we discuss what does manhood look like? What is true leadership? Sex and self control for men. finances, housework, childcare, working from home and so much more! Follow Matt on Clubhouse @kingmidasch 

Special guest Intimacy Coach Charelle Thomas stops by to discuss self worth, sex, feminine energy, how to keep your love life alive with young kids, and plenty more! For more info on Charelle, visit her website at https://www.charellethomas.com

Some people look at living together before marriage is a "test" to see if both of you are compatible. However, this can be an expensive experience. From signing names on the lease to buying furniture together. According to Institute for Family Studies, today most couples live together before marriage. More than 75%  You can test a person without moving in together to see if you two are compatible. 

Example: take a trip together. You will find out so much about that person from communication to decision making. Why move in with your significant other without your name on the lease?  Some people believe living together before marriage will save money because all the finances goes under one roof instead of paying rent in two different places. Sometimes you might want to break up with that person but you can't because you both live together. You've invested in a long term relationship that ended too early.  If most people live paycheck to paycheck, you don't have any money to move if you wanted to. The only options you have is moving with friends or family. It's easier to break a relationship if both of you are living independently. 

Living together may instill a break up mentality that can hurt marriage later. Why? You're used to ending relationships with a "what if" mentality (when living together) "what will I do if we break up?"   Getting married says "we have to follow through with commitment." A word that's foreign when it comes to relationships. You're used to moving out and moving on, but in marriage it isn't that easy. If you are used to breaking relationships, over time it erodes your trust, making marriage a scary thing. 

If you move in together, now who does what?   Have the conversation about expectations. Who is going to do what from trash, dishes, laundry, finances, etc. What about kids? Especially if they are young. Who will pick them up from daycare? What will family time look like? Who's helping the kids with homework? Last but not least, have the conversation about if the relationship does not work, then what? Do you save money on the side? Who will stay if one person decide to put the other person out?

Are you in a situation where the parent won't let you see your child(ren)? Do you have to pay child support and alimony?! I had to pay child support and alimony over a year. I think child support is essential and  necessary so it hold the parent accountable to their responsibility. Many times the mother has the child full time (especially from newborn to 5 years). Most mothers don't trust the father to effectively parent during those years to parent by themselves. 

It's best you don't play with child support: according to https://www.urban.org the courts can take up to 65% of a father's wages. Intercepting tax returns, placing liens on parents assets. Suspend driver's license or any other professional licenses. Many times the parent use the kid as leverage to get what they want. When the only one who suffers is the child. Child support can break those who are low income.  If you make less than 50k a year, child support can be the difference between living on your own, to having to live with a roommate or living with parents.  

If a man says "she won't let me see my child" sometimes it's true. I've been there. Some guys get tired of fighting to see their child, so they give up. I noticed if the parents aren't together but still respect each other, the father will pay child support and buy things for the child from shoes to clothes to forms of entertainment. Realize if you married her and then divorced, you shouldn't have a problem with paying child support. That's the least you can do, knowing at one point, she was your wife. Just because he can screw good doesn't translate him being a good father. 

She might be thick, but that doesn't translate being a good mother. Every time you lay with someone, there's a chance you can get her pregnant. Are you willing to be connected to someone for 18 years of child support, constant differences and arguments?

Do you argue with your significant other/spouse about money? Why? 

Who comes first in your marriage? the kids? spouse? family? Who is getting most of your attention?

Did you listen to the Essence Atkins interview on Dear Future Wifey? She discussed enjoying sex after salvation, God's grace and patience with her. She later discussed how she felt really awful the last time she had sex. I had to weigh in on this topic

Are you in a situationship? How did you get into one in the first place? How to end your situationship

What ugly truth about yourself did marriage reveal? How did I overcome it? I sucked as a team player. I always thought about myself first. I was emotionally underdeveloped. Meaning I didn't know how to express what I was feeling. I would shut down and go silent. I had unresolved childhood trauma. Things that was traumatic growing up in the hood, I thought was normal. Unaddressed childhood trauma if not dealt with, will deal with you in adulthood. My love was conditional. If we fell out over something, couldn't resolve it, I would be cold and callus towards her. 

Being like that puts the other person in a nervous state, always walking on egg shells.  I was young and immature. I was 24 and she 31, with a 12 year old son. Looking back, it was too much for me to handle at that age.  How did I overcome it? Self awareness. My ex wife told me how she felt about my issues. Only while going through a divorce did I hear what she had to say. Books. While going through my divorce, some books gave me the courage to follow through with the divorce. Prayer and Therapy. Having a spiritual foundation kept me grounded and prevented me from things I would have regretted today. Therapy showed me where I needed to improve. At times uncomfortable but worth the growth. Forgiveness allowed me a clean heart and remarry.