This week, we sit down with Kim Kelly, managing editor of Local Women’s Magazine in Northern Ireland, to talk about multiple issues such as the worrying level of suicide among young men in Northern Ireland. We discuss the social attitudes and stories we learn that dictate our behavior, dealing with narcissists, teaching our kids how to be decent people, and dating in your forties while actually having fun!

Takeaway:

[5:02] Local Women’s Magazine shines a spotlight on the awesome women doing big things all around the world. The photoshoots are of ordinary women, and the readers are outspoken and very involved.

[7:37] The suicide rates for young men in Northern Ireland are particularly high and mental health is a massive issue in our community.

[13:37] Globally, there is a gross lack of emotional intelligence skills.

[14:10] There are many aspects of mental health that we don't talk about openly.  Jo’s particular mission is to get more people talking about burnout at work. We don’t talk enough about burnout, and many people are left feeling ashamed and isolated rather than supported and able to learn how to fully relax and manage stress.

[18:02] Kim talks about her time working for the tabloid press, and the realization that we need to focus more on what we can do instead of focusing on our limitations and setbacks. Too often she would lead a conversation by telling everyone all the things that she couldn’t do.

[22:06] When you have a system for internal validation, it is quite freeing and you can better focus on being competent and aligned with your values and spend less time worrying about if you are likeable.

[26:22] Of course culture makes a difference (both Jo and Kim grew up in Northern Ireland during the Troubles, and there is a lot of baggage that comes with that), but J.J. discusses choosing your values and acting according to that. It doesn’t take away from the emotions we feel, but it’s up to us to change our story and know today is a brand new day to step out and even inspire others to live in their truest form.

[32:53] The stories we tell ourselves are often just one version of the truth, and there can be many different ways to approach them.

[35:32] Brilliant idea alert: when dealing with a narcissist, it is extremely powerful to just nod, agree, and not engage in an argument. Often their ranting will simply be down to them trying to get you to manage their stress. Another way to handle narcissists is to learn to accept that they will misperceive YOU to be the asshole in the relationship.

[39:30] Don’t get into it with delusional people! It’s not effective and will just create more resistance and is overall a waste of time.

[46:41] There is a dire need for more social learning in schools, as human social skills are everything for adapting in life and learning how to better navigate almost any situation.

Connect With Us: 

Joanna Denton | Dr. JJ Kelly

Resources

Joanna in Local Women’s 

Local Women’s 

@localwomenmagazineofficial

Research on likeability or competence  

In today’s world of everyone posting their Hollywood reel on their IG and Facebook, it’s easy to be bombarded with the feeling of comparison and wondering if you measure up or are good enough. This week, we talk about looking inside ourselves for validation and confidence rather than needing to get it from the outside world. We talk about the cost of constant comparison, why women are set up by society to feel catty and competitive, and why connection and belonging doesn’t start with flaunting your latest purchase. We give practical tips on how to start feeling secure from within and building self love that will in turn let others in to see who we really are.

Takeaway:

[3:34] Perfectionism is the new form of heroin, not heroism! It is a drug, and one way people try and get their fix is both by trying to show how perfect their life is through social media, and by comparing themselves to how much better or worse they are than others. The first step to responsible social media usage is knowing that most of what people post is curated with this in mind, and not the messy and authentic reality of life.

[5:19] There is enough success to go around, so we don’t need to be desperate about success. The idea that we have to be scrappy and claw our way to the top is bred from a patriarchal society. The beauty industry is just one of many examples where the industry thrives off people not feeling good enough. Think about how many businesses would go bankrupt if we actually liked the way we looked!

[7:28] We would have been your favorite witches, burned at the stake for having our own opinions and ideas! The feeling of wanting to belong and be accepted not only comes from advertising and our upbringing, but also is thread into society as a survival mechanism.

[8:12] We think internal validation is extremely difficult, but really it’s just that we are not taught how to do it. When we start to name our emotions, we shift from external to internal validation and get a stronger sense of who we are and what we are feeling.

[9:15] When you are able to validate yourself, you cling less to the opinions of others. You work with your higher powers and get stronger, resilient, and more confident.

[17:05] The more you can give yourself internal validation, the less you fear rejection and judgement from others. It’s liberating and frees you up more energy and space to live your authentic life.

[21:59] Internal validation is especially important in dating, as it can be challenging for people to feel good enough to stay single until someone worthy shows up.

[24:42] The body speaks to us about our negative emotions, and feeling unworthy can show up as many different feelings or symptoms with our body. The first step is raising awareness of our own emotional experience.

Connect With Us: 

Joanna Denton | Dr. JJ Kelly 

Resources

Brene Brown 

Brene’s book about belonging is called Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to stand alone

George Michael “Freedom”

This week we talk about Penelope, a recent divorcee whose 16-year-old daughter blames her for ruining her life. She is taking out her anger on Penelope and it seems to be having an impact on the household and their mother/daughter relationship. Penelope’s situation sparks a deeper conversation about setting family contracts into place, when to have tough conversations with your kids and bringing in awareness to know which events that may trigger you that have nothing to do with your children.

Takeaway: 

[2:27] New project announcements! J.J. is finalising  her third book and it's all about narcissists!  It will be out soon, and will be edgy, smart, and most of all — helpful to many people.

[7:24] This week we are talking about Penelope, who recently got divorced. Her 16 year old daughter says that this ruined her life, and she is very withdrawn and now just sits at dinner pushing food around her plate, refusing to eat, and determined to piss Penelope off! What should Penelope do?

[8:05] The first step is validating your daughter’s feelings. She should know that it’s okay to feel angry, sad, etc., and your door is always open to listen. However, it’s not okay for her to act on those emotions towards you and break family values and boundaries.

[10:14] It is not a requirement that Penelope’s 16 year old daughter validate or empathize Penelope’s emotions. You give to your kids, and they give to their kids. They are not there to emotionally soothe you.

[10:30] Penelope could tell her daughter that she can talk about any feelings, but it must be done respectfully and there will be consequences to breaking family values. She should reassure her that the divorce was not because of anything she did, nor does it mean she is any less loved.

[12:48] This situation raises an interesting question — at what point are kids old enough to be told the realities of difficult life situations?  Here we discuss sharing details on a divorce, but this might also be relevant for talking about money difficulties, losing your job, serious illnesses…It is true that kids often pick up on what is happening in the household - and that is different to baring all or bad mouthing in the relationship.  It’s not an easy question, nor is there an easy answer. 

[15:42] It is up to the parents to get clear on family values and to communicate the consequences when/if they are broken. This brings clarity into the household, keeps boundaries strong and the kids safe.  This is equally relevant after a divorce, and perhaps even more so.  If both parents can’t agree on one contract, each household has its own separate contract. Also, it is important not to disparage the other parent in front of your child.  It's equally important to reinforce that a “contract” does not have to be a long scary thing, and it will evolve as your kids get older.

[17:04] Reinforce what your daughter is doing right. The less “what if” thinking they can do about thinking everything is their fault or if the situation would be different had they acted differently the better.

[18:41] Take it from J.J., it could be much, much worse than your daughter acting out by just pushing food around a plate! Don’t put your food issues on your kid, and if you are worried about them being under/over weight, it’s best to talk to a doctor. It’s the emotions that we validate, not thoughts and not the behavior.

[24:02] Jo raises the point that there may be certain behaviours of your kid that will trigger things in you, things that are more about your own life experience than the kids themselves. We talk here how watching your kid push food around the table may trigger memories of your own experiences with food.  But that doesn't mean that your kid has a problem. Just that you are being triggered. Take responsibility for being mindful and recognizing your triggers before you are in an emotionally intense situation. Make a list of triggers that are your sensitive points where you could get hooked and could project onto your kids when it really comes from within you.

[30:56] It’s never too late to reestablish the working contract with your kids. It provides a framework to know you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got.

For more details on family contracts:

Check out JJ’s book on cutting - Holy Shit , My Kid is Cutting! available for free on her website

Connect With Us: 

Joanna Denton | Dr. JJ Kelly 

Our letter this week is from Jane, who is completely fed up with her team and feeling like they are bumbling idiots who can’t get anything right! To make it even worse, her boss isn’t backing her up or helping by any means. 

We help Jane (and maybe you!) see things from a fresh new perspective by taking a step back, checking-in with gut feelings and asking tough questions. While she may think that her team are idiots that doesn’t make it true - perhaps Jane is simply so exhausted and stressed out and angry that she can no longer see things straight. Maybe taking a step back will help her to rethink things, and look to find some solutions.  Or maybe things have just gone too far, and Jane needs a new job and is too afraid to really confront those feelings. 

Either way, tune in to find out more!

Takeaway: 

[3:21] We discuss the case of Jane who says her team are a bunch of idiots and they can’t do anything right! It not only makes her question if people can be that stupid but also angry that her boss isn’t backing her up and giving her the support she needs.

[6:15] We pull apart the threads for Jane, validating her anger and getting to the bottom of what she really is angry about. She possibly could really be that mad at her team, but there are also other elements to it around her boss not supporting her, as well as other things that might be going on in her life right now..

[13:04] It's not about who is right or wrong, it is about reducing pain and suffering and that can mean many things.

[16:15] Just because Jane thinks her team are a bunch of idiots, does not mean that they actually are.  When we are stressed and anxious (for example because of the pressures of work) it can often happen that we can no longer see straight.  While we validate the emotions, the thoughts we have are merely thoughts. Jane may want to work on managing the impact of her emotions, so she can take a step back to come up with solutions for working with her team and staying centered.

[18:53] Of course, another possibility is that things have just got so bad for Jane, that there is no going back.  Fear can trick us into believing that a job or situation we are in is the best choice, but really we are just afraid of the “what if’s” that may come with leaving it. This may be a time for Jane to check-in with her gut and see if this is really even a job she wants to be at.

[20:03] The exhausting part of situations like this is usually resistance to some reality.

[28:20] We discuss going even deeper into the emotions that come up. Going three steps down from sadness and anger often gives us a whole new level of answers about our situation that may be surprising.

[29:03] Ask the hard questions! For Jane, she may ask if she even wants to be at her job if this is the reality!

Connect With Us: 

Joanna Denton | Dr. JJ Kelly

Are you getting in your own way, and sabotaging and preventing yourself from getting what you really want or feeling as good as you can? 

This week, we tackle Sam’s situation — who is nervous about an upcoming speaking gig — and discuss different methods in which he can ease the fear and feel more confident. Then, Joanna talks about her own experience of when precision turned into perfectionism, and it led her to counterproductive feelings of exhaustion and burnout. We invite you to ask yourself, at what point does the need to be precise (because your job requires it) become an unhelpful and exhausting need to be perfect (because you think that is the only way to be accepted)?  What things are you doing that you think are helpful, but are actually getting in your own way? Tune in to find out!

Takeaway: 

[9:02] Sam writes about a speaking engagement coming up that is bringing him a ton of anxiety. He is appearing on a panel after another colleague couldn’t do it, and having nightmares about freezing up and everyone laughing at him.

[9:51] Worrying about an event that hasn’t even happened yet, is very common, especially when it comes to public speaking, and there is no need to feel shame about having it.

[13:02] Public speaking is scary and if you can get through it without vomiting (or even just vomiting a little) that’s a win! There is nothing to prove, you are already an expert just delivering information. We talk about some visualization techniques to try to picture it going well and giving the presentation of your dreams.

[15:05] There is power in realizing that our worries and fearful thoughts are not always facts or what is happening in reality. A foundational practice you can start using is to take three deep breaths to help regulate your nervous system a little more before you try your mindfulness and visualization techniques.

[19:04] Good preparation is a great foundation to feeling prepared when it comes to speaking, and also gives you a solid footing in case something out of the expected does arise.

[21:00] The more you perform, the more you get used to that feeling of just being in the moment rather than worrying about what may come next.

[23:40] However, there can be dangers when we prepare too much.  Joanna shares her experience in corporate life and how the desire to be well prepared became almost obsessive.  The need to be precise and accurate is vital when you are working in a tax career, but the challenge came when that need for control bled into every other part of her life.  Her anxiety turned into panic attacks and OCD behaviour.  Sometimes that meant finishing the draft of an email and then spending two hours checking bullet points and semicolons - as though this was what was needed to make the content of the document correct.  The more time spent on those kinds of details, the more exhausted she became.  The more exhausted she became, the more anxious she was, and the more she needed to check the details.  

[25:03] JJ points out that it was clear that this kind of behaviour was not helpful to Jo. Should Jo not have been able to see that, and stop the behaviour before it went too far?  When we get honest and real about willful ways (ie doing things over and over even when they don’t help), we can start to see the signs and get ahead of it before we become too out of balance . As Jo points out, however, sometimes it is only with hindsight, and a lot of rest, that we can see how we were getting in our way in the past and move towards being more effective in the future.

[29:32] What are the ways you consistently behave that are ineffective?

[31:58] Adult versions of willfulness can be perfection, defensiveness, and the “yeah buts”.

Connect With Us: 

Joanna Denton | Dr. JJ Kelly 

Welcome to Jo & JJ Go Mental! We are your hosts, Joanna Denton and Dr. J.J. Kelly, the Punk Rock Doc. We are so excited to bring you a show about mental health, help you up your emotional intelligence skills, and most important of all - have fun and get some laughs in. We are dedicated to bringing you tangible skills you can implement right away to improve your relationships, bring more joy into your own life, and embrace all the awesomeness that you have to offer.  

This week we talk all about standing up for our values against those who try to intimidate and bully us . We talk about a recent email that Joanna got and discuss her different possible responses towards this digital bully. Joanna shares how the email made her feel, and she walks through the D.E.A.R. approach to draft up an email that aligns with her values. While this episode talks about using this approach to say no to something we don’t agree with, it can also be used to ask for what we need, and to handle conflict.

It’s possible to stand up for your values with confidence, clarity, and simplicity, but there are important things to know! Tune in to find out more. 

Takeaway: 

[4:35] As an example of how to handle a bully, we will be working with a recent email Joanna received. 

[6:20] Joanna explains the situation behind her email and the different replies she has drafted in her head as she lays awake in bed. 

[8:12] Here on Jo & JJ Go Mental we are open to honoring our anger and standing up for yourself. The first step to any of our tools on emotional intelligence is to recognise and name the emotion we are feeling.  Too many problems in life come when we think we don’t have the “right” to feel what we feel.

[8:49] When Joanna read the email, she felt intense irritation. She and JJ discuss how irritation is a cousin of anger, and how anger is commonly associated with feeling out of control, when that is not always the case. 

[10:59] If you are ruminating about an issue, that means there is anger work yet to be done. One great way to process it is to write out all your ugliest thoughts. 

[11:05] We discuss the interpersonal skill set: D.E.A.R (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce) and how it relates to Joanna’s email and the response she wants to write. 

[13:20] Focus on the objective and less on the outcome. Here the objective is to stand up for what we believe and craft a response to the email that reflects our values.  But, we can’t control the response of others or the actual outcome of the conversation. [16:51] The more anxious we are the more wordy we tend to be. There is power in being direct, potent, and concise. 

[22:07] Tone is everything. We all have a responsibility for our tone. 

[25:01] We are allowed to stand up for ourselves and our values, even if it pisses someone else off completely. Kindness also doesn’t mean saying yes all the time. It can look like you saying “no” for something that doesn’t fit your values or boundaries. 

[27:36] In every walk of life, we are going to come across people that want something we can’t give them, and also bullies that use their power to try and keep us small and intimidated. It can be scary to say no to both these people, but it doesn’t need to be complicated, and we have a right to that. 

[29:07] It takes practice to stand up for yourself, so you may need to practice by writing it out beforehand or practicing in front of the mirror or to a friend. 

[29:45] Even more than just getting what you want, the real celebration takes place in skillful delivery according to your values. 

Tweetables: 

• “Outcome is not something we attach to.” 
• “I’m going to treat you like you are grown, and you can manage your emotions.” 
• “Even the most skillful delivery can fall on deaf bully ears.” 

Connect With Us: 

Joanna Denton | Dr. JJ Kelly 

A Different Truth 

Holy Shit, I’m a Gifted Misfit! 

This is a weekly half hour show about mental health and emotional intelligence, dedicated to bringing you hands on and tangible skills that you can put into practice straight away to improve your relationships, inject more joy into your life, and learn to like yourself again. It takes the form of a conversation between the hosts, about topics either picked at random from a jar, or relating to topical news.