In this chapter, Abram takes the men of his household (men which he'd acquired, which belong to him) and go head to head with 4 kings AND WINS (no details given)! After saving Lot and, by extention, Sodom, he insults Sodom by saying, "I made an oath that I wouldn't touch your tainted stuff. It's beneath me. I may pimp my wife and lie, but I'm not someone wicked who sins against God (Most High)!" There are also priests now and the term Hebrew has suddenly appeared.

In this uneventful chapter, Abram has got to get away from Lot before their herdsmen kill each other and the land gives out. Where are they going to go? It doesn't matter to Abram, as long as he ends up in Canaan where God double (triples?) down on promising the land (God is going to repeat this promise... a lot!). God also compares Abram's descendants to dust, but in a nice way. And then I kinda go off on the pimping his wife thing from the previous episode. Sorry.

In this truly shocking chapter, our new hero Abram tries to get his foot in the door of Canaan after "accumulating" some possessions and people. But first, there's a famine, so he makes a pitstop in Egypt to pimp out his super hot wife to pharoah and get some livestock and more people. Of course, he has to lie in this chapter, but it's unclear whether that is wrong yet.

In this chapter, we read the famous story of the Tower of Babel. God doesn't want his creation, humanity, people like you and I, to be successful or be able to work together as a community to do something great. So, with a little help from his (mysterious) friends, God makes up a bunch of languages and scatters all the people. Then there's another annoying list of names.

In this chapter, I’m forced to read a series of impossible names. It’s like a prank and I’m not happy about it. In verse 5, there’s a mysterious mention of different languages, but the tower of Babel story appears in the next chapter, so it’s unclear what that’s all about. Anyway, it’s crazy that the writer’s of the Bible put so much effort into legitimizing their propaganda with hard to read genealogies.

In this chapter, God leaves himself a pretty reminder (rainbow) so that he doesn't kick off and destroy everything next time he gets really angry at humanity. Then righteous/alcoholic Noah is accidentally seen with his weiner out by his son (ironically) named Ham. Ham and his lineage are then cursed by Noah (people can curse other people) which is convenient because we won't have to feel so bad when Israel takes Canaan!de Noah

In this chapter, God quickly dries the earth by blowing the water into space (or something). Then he uses magic to regrow trees faster than you'd expect. Finally, he has a change of heart about what he'd done. All it took to get God to not destroy the earth again was a quick BBQ after Noah's cruise. A little short-sighted, they only had 2-14 types of each animal! Let them procreate a bit guest before you start killing them, Noah!

In this chapter, God changes his mind about 2 of each animal and opts for 7 pairs of clean animals and 7 pairs of birds. Then a few verses later, he's back on the 2 pairs of each thing. After the animals voluntarily get on the ark, conveniently, God annihilates the entire earth (well, at least all the violent people and innocent everything else). I think he proved his point.

Men of God marry a bunch of women of men (whatever that means). They then get violent so God feels the need to destroy them, their unborn babies, all living things and the entire planet earth. Except, not actually the earth and not Noah and his sons and the adjacent women (honourable mention). Noah is told to bring 2 of each animal until chapter 7 where he changes that.

We have an important (yet boring and not easy to pronounce) list of men leading to another man: Noah. We're supposed to believe they all lived almost 1,000 years.