David Waldman wishes us all all of the happy things today. Let's hope that the next Persian year turns out better. What do you bet that it isn't?

Chuck Norris is dead. Tough news for Pete Hegseth, who will retire his "Chuck Norris"-labeled bottle of hand lotion today.

Donald K. Trump denies that he's sending troops to Iran. Trump is sending troops to Iran. What Bibi wants, Bibi gets. The Kushner Iran war already costs more than Halliburton Iraq opening, but Donald hopes to make that up in ticket sales.

At 96, civil rights leader Dolores Huerta divulged that Cesar Chavez raped her. Democrats self-flagellate. Republicans flagellate.

In a Transylvanian twist, the Trump Organization is eyeing property in Romania. This includes Trump's signature luxury apartments built over a dump. A Trump tower is already on the drawing board.

Kristi Noem gave $140 million to the guy who bankrupted his previous airline. Really though, the goal was never to "not" bankrupt future projects, it was to sugar up her Travel Blanky, Corey Lewandowski.

Trump continues to shrink in all ways imaginable, hitting Japan's Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi with Pearl Harbor jokes.

James Comey picked up another subpoena to wallpaper his bathroom. Jeanine Zero Pirro wants her Jerome Powell subpoenas unblocked so that she can keep her losing streak without any asterisks.

My neck of the woods has had 40-degree temperature swings, tornadoes, meteors and bigfeet infestations lately, and now this guy.