Kagro in the Morning

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are here today, and that’s something, isn’t it?

Think, what do Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris have in common? Well, they’re both women who… Whoa, whoa, whoa! It seems we Libs are already off on the wrong track! The answer is, as always, economic anxiety.  Just ask any cornered last minute swing voter if bigotry or fear or economic anxiety swayed them, and of course they’ll tell you it was economic anxiety all along. After all, it is the singular topic that the trad wife and bro casters have been talking nonstop about… Right? (I don’t know, I have a life, so I don’t listen.)

Your new administration, however, has listened to everyone’s concerns and will address all of your economic anxiety like nothing you've seen. Chock full o’ cabi-nuts are now standing by to make America everything it deserves to be... as soon as they score a piece. According to police reports, Pete Hegseth dry humped a Republican women's conference event before serving a Jason Miller cocktail to a Jane Doe who attempted to prevent him from doing his patriotic duty. Meanwhile, Linda McMahon is set to shatter the glass cellar floor, joining her husband and Jim Jordan in looking the other way while men and boys under her supervision were assaulted. And Matt Gaetz… everybody hates Matt Gaetz, including Matt Gaetz, who has decided that his own behavior is too reprehensible to describe in public. Non-sexual abuse solutions to economic anxiety include Tulsi Gabbard, who even gives Nikki Haley the ick, and … drum roll please… Dan Bongino, who will cut everything from the Secret Service, other than those first two initials. Marjorie Taylor Greene, now most seasoned, experienced, and wise compared to everyone else in this paragraph, will lead a subcommittee executing the whims of Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy’s Department of Purging Employees.

By the way, the president does have unrestrained constitutional power to withhold funds, you just don’t understand how pre-wrong you’ve been on the subject yet.

Are you on Bluesky yet? That’s where all of the serious political players have been going lately. David Waldman came over on the Mayflower. Greg Dworkin looks as if he might hold onto the last bit of flotsam sinking into the ex-Twitter vortex, but even he is eyeing the Bluesky lifeboats.  “Unpopular opinion” as the engagement farmers say at Threads, but I like Threads more… Engagement bait is sort of… engaging to me and Bluesky kind of felt like it had a stick up its collective butt. Popularity might change that exclusivity.

Well, as I have been saying, Republicans have been exploiting an increasing technological and hardball gap, and it’s time to catch up.

Cabinet appointments will be made to those who sound as if they can best destroy them, or at least further shake public opinion towards them. Linda McMahon will have Americans question the value of a good education. Pete Hegseth will erode people’s faith in our military, our country and in God. And Matt Gaetz will tackle our concept of innate humanity and intelligence.

Liberals believe that there is nothing that can’t be cured with a good, thorough, explaining. The corollary to that belief is that ignorant people will be punished through their ignorance... eventually, somehow. No, those folks may be ignorant, but they’re not stupid. They’ve rebuilt all of their institutions to reinforce and congratulate themselves against any onslaught of reality. A couple of million of other people’s lives will hardly put a dent in that.

David Waldman delivers the Tuesday KITM. We’re still calling it “Tuesday”, right? It feels like we’ve already begun our 4-year long day of chaotic sludge. Perhaps if we didn’t make it all about him, but about what he’s doing, we would be able keep our head above the surface this time.

Elon Musk also makes it all about himself, but no one needs two assholes, not even Alex Jones.

This time the White House will be called “Mar-a-Lago North, Your Sex Party Headquarters”. Every cabinet meeting will be a toga party. Pete Hegseth believes that wives can’t be raped, nor the comatose. Matt Gaetz believes that age is just a number — Giggity! RFK Jr. will bring his legendary stamina to bear… but will be that guy at the orgy telling everybody what not to eat.

David Waldman is back, like Mondays, but more pleasant, except that it is still Monday, with him in it.

Greg Dworkin floats in on his Big Raft O’MFG X links! Nope... I won’t. Blue Sky, Threads or Daily Kos. Somebody’s techwiz has to fix this, not me.

You know who’s been smelling a little Vichy lately? Never Trumpers, reliable opiate to Dems until D’s Lame Duck in Perpetuity term… are now feeling like moving back with their ex... Bye, Felicias.

As our country advances to a stage 4, it becomes a bit harder to laugh about it. So then, let’s avert our gaze and instead focus on the ridiculous cabinet nominees, brought to you by recess appointments, brought to you by our present, not even future Trump SCOTUS.

Lowest hanging fruit in this regard might be considered Secretary of Defense nominee Pete Hegseth, although there is recent evidence mounting for hanging him higher. Drugging and raping allegations have surfaced, although Pete himself will tell you that if you drug them first, it isn’t rape, and if they were paid to forget, it didn’t happen. Pete is filled with Christian goodness; it says so right on his label.

The difference between 2016 and 2024 is that this time, the Oval Office orgies will be LIT. Markwayne Mullin used to think Matt Gaetz was a sexual predator but has since evolved to see Matt as more of a sexual colleague. As Health Secretary, RFK Jr. will probably ban synthetics at future White House bacchanals. Bob is against unhealthiness and will be sending anyone he finds hopped up to labor camps.

David Waldman delivers us to the weekend, which is back to being just another day of chaos before the two days of chaos before he returns.

Ever think about Donald Trump’s… future after politics? Following his election loss in 2020, D would have been lucky to get the plot next to Ivana. Now, he’ll be buried like a Pharoah, to better pwn the libs. America’s Greatest Hugest Traitor might still be considered Confederate President Jefferson Davis, but how much have you heard about Jeff lately? While visiting the Trump pyramids, be sure to check out the 200 ft. tall bronze Kevin Roberts shovel. At least all of this will occur long after we’re all gone, 2028 maybe.

All of this will be paid for with the bitchange found between Elon Musk’s couch cushions. Newbie KITM Correspondent Brian Henry reports that the fate of the entire world hinges upon the Elon Musk-Peter Thiel pissing match, which is odd, as both agree that the world should be ended. Wait. Is the world’s richest man, also the world’s most powerful? Yes! No! FU!

D has picked his criminal lawyers for key Justice Department posts which is appropriate, considering that they are also his criminal lawyers… Just don’t snitch to the FBI! 

President Caligula has selected Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to head the department of health and human services, based on the same criteria that he selected his previous cabinet, that is who can destroy that particular department most effectively, along with who would be the best fit in the monthly White House orgy lineup.

The Onion outbid us for the rights to Alex Jones’ InfoWars. It would have been nice, but we’re not bothered. Everyone knows that Kagro in the Morning is a much better name. Anyhow, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin wanted to rechristen it InfoNuancedAnalysiswithDrollChiding. The Onion should save up though, as www.usa.gov could become quite the bargain in about a year.

Dick Van Dyke is the only one who really has a solution to this administration, although MAGA will tell you that everything was solved when they inked in the bubble. When the day comes for you to be stood up against the wall, they’ll remind you that things would have been so much worse had Democrats been in control. That’s the motto that will be etched above the entrance of Agenda 47’s American Academy reeducation university.

Pete Hegseth goes from war crime promoter to Fox News couch clown to Secretary of Defense to Dancing with the Stars to Fox News. Pete believes that he is a Crusader, old-school, and he has the tatts to prove it.

Tulsi Gabbard goes from Bernie supporter to conspiracy theorist to… whatever you got, she’ll go there.

Apparently Matt Gaetz’s plastic surgery paid off. Matt has shown himself Guilfoyle enough to qualify for Attorney General. If Gaetz gets the position, he will wreak havoc, and if he doesn’t, the process will wreak havoc. Either way, there’s plenty of revenge and destruction to go around.

How does D benefit from these cabinet picks? Well, as long as he can do a little something each day to bring just a bit of pain, suffering and fear to everyone, he’ll be happy.

Well, at least another day brings us closer to finishing the vote counting. And that brings us closer to usable analyses. And because it’s Wednesday, Greg Dworkin can collect these analyses for us. There have been a sea of post-mortems, including several from blue island “survivors” adrift in red oceans, which are of varying levels of usefulness. Here’s one, though, from KY Governor Andy Beshear, which helpfully begins by letting us know who Andy Beshear is.

And another, which posits that the youngest voters are… well… young. Like others before them!

Speaking of usable analyses, how about the exact opposite of that? As in Trump’s cabinet picks and top appointments to date? They’re not useful, and they don’t do analyses. Take Pete “Pig Pen” Hegseth, for instance. (Please!) He says he doesn’t wash his hands, and he’d like to wash his hands of women in combat roles. As expected, most of the jobs are going to supplicants. And there are plenty of them out there! Although Speaker Johnson is beginning to hope (aloud) that no more of them come from House ranks.

Oh, and speaking of House ranks, here’s a story that rankles: two Gop nutjobs conspired to try to sneak a play past during a pro forma session. So “WhyDontchaJust” do that all the time? Because if you haven’t got the juice, they’ll drag you back in by the collar and make you undo it.

And how about that Elon Musk guy? He’s so annoying! How annoying is he? He’s so annoying, they write about it in India. His latest? The super-hilarious online meme joke, the “Department” of Government Efficiency. It’s not a department, and it’s so efficient, it has two bosses.

They won’t be able to “efficiency” Jack Smith out of a job, though! He’s taking care of that himself. But at least he was still on hand to see the classified document thief go inside for 15 years!

No, not that one. The other one!

David Waldman is back again plowing through another KITM cold bedraggled, and as all of us, undermedicated for the task at hand.

David was out with this cold on Friday, and I wrote a summary to an imaginary KITM. The summary to that summary: Tech bros created Spanish language dialect sensitive AI chatbots algorithm linked to young male Latino social media accounts based on what countries they follow in soccer, or any other niche criteria. They then had disinformation and conspiracy theories tailored specifically to them, but with the ultimate goal being GOTV for Donald Trump. Or to sum up that summary, while we were door-knocking, they were TikTokking.

So, President Donald Trump was… look, all that takes more typing than he’s worth. I’m going with D this term. D’s dictating his cabinet. No Hulk Hogan or Kid Rock, but he might be thinking SCOTUS with them. Susie Wiles will head up Apartheid when Elon’s busy and otherwise will be the focus of media fluff pieces on her grandmotherly charm. Elise Stefanik and Marco Rubio will… Wait, don’t they hate D? Doesn’t he hate them? Sure, they all hate each other. Never Trumpers are just Trumpers who haven’t been assigned a position yet.

Which brings us to Jonathan V. Last and the Bulwark, who urge us to let the Reich be the Reich, those things historically burn themselves out in around 4 years or so, no worries. Kevin Roberts, chief architect of Project 2025, hasn’t found a Reichstag to burn, but does have an otherwise well-rounded list of incendiary targets. Roberts has named the Boy Scouts and Loudoun Schools, but conspicuously snubbed David Waldman for his pyre. Schools urge parents to be more sympathetic to the sexual harassing children. Black people are urged to pick cotton.

Vladimir Putin is itching to take his new country out for a test drive, after all he was promised 24-hour delivery. The Russia-Ukraine war will be over in a day… that is, if no one else objects. Russian TV broadcast images of Melania Trump nude with the United States Seal behind her. If you want a picture of Melania with a Navy Seal behind her, it’ll cost you extra.

Judge Juan Merchan delayed his immunity decision in the NY hush money case, because, why not?

Phil Williams, who we needed 500 more of the last ten years, has joined Bluesky.

David Waldman, brought to you by Cold-EEZE®, brings us a Monday KITM.

How have we failed? Here, let Greg Dworkin count the ways. Turns out that we were all kinds of stupid until a few days ago, but far too dumb for it to dawn on us until now. We were idiots, idiotic in myriads of interconnected ways that will require this program and others years to explore in full. 

First mistake, we elected Joe Biden. Then we tried to elect a Black woman. I mean, what were we thinking? We simply forgot to pretend we were what we are not, which is either a tried and true political technique, or the reason that people hate politicians… one of those. The news will explain which one it is to us soon, I hope.

What do us dummies get for our lack of intelligence? A brand-new streamlined government that won’t ever need to slow down to get our opinions on everything. Heck, we won’t even need a president soon. President Musk… well, acting president Trump demands that the next Senate leader allow recess appointments, so that the next Senate leader can be the leader of nothing. Trump could skip the legislative branch to directly corrupt the judicial branch, thus more than doubling his available golfing hours... Elon already picked Rick Scott for Donald, so when is tee time?

The only thing we have going for us is that they are even more stupid, if that’s possible. Rudy Giuliani got a handout of $200 thousand to keep him from starving to death or ever having to apply for a SNAP card.

Not a great time to be stricken by a nasty cold, but that’s among the many unfortunate turns we’ve been dealt this week!   But we haven’t been carted away in irons just yet. We’ll be back on Monday. But until then, it’s another time-travel episode. As usual, the theme is “this time last year.” Because “what it was like last time we did this” was just too much.   A year ago today...   The collective sigh of relief here at KITM World Headquarters probably delayed our first local snowfall by weeks. Host David Waldman and Guest Star Greg Dworkin are here today to do whatever the opposite is of “fret” … (We might not have a word for that.)   We won. That is, we the people of the United States who care about democracy and what not. Dems romped, Gops flopped, pretty much everywhere, notably in Ohio, as voters knew Republican gaslighting by heart after seeing it being used to failure in state after state before them. Freedom and liberty continue to reign as the Buckeye State turns a new leaf. Ohio Republicans pledge to continue to fight freedom, liberty and the rights of individuals until their last breaths. Virginia won big by helping Glenn Youngkin lose big. Loudoun County of course did their state proud. Even Pennsylvania triumphed and extended their Democratic majority.   Pundits wonder if all this winning should worry Joe Biden and embolden Donald Trump, and someone continues to pay them. Someone keeps paying House Republicans also, including even Marjorie Traitor Greene. At least Marge is out there proposing some staff cuts.   Republicans understand that the biggest obstacle to their governing would be democracy, and no one is more behind that idea than Donald Trump. George Stephanopoulos would like to know where people stand on this before his interviews.   Hey, now that you’re in a good mood, isn’t it a great time to consider donating to one or more grassroots campaigns as we head into the Big One next November?