Happy Going! We’re all getting punchy heading into the weekend, as if the weekend will be a breather for any of us. David Waldman effectuates our weekending KITM, and I facilitate that with this summary, I hope.

Donald K. Trump pardoned a corporation, yet has not appointed a horse to Senate, which might be more of a late term thing. Polytheism seems to be wearing thin in Trump/Musk circles, with Elon Musk’s pride goething before his fall. Thou shalt bow down thyself only onto Trump in Cabinet meetings. (Graven images available at the door.)

Two people guilty of not praising Donald enough are being investigated for treason, while Trump shops for his presidential Luger. Marco Rubio is punishing the country of South Sudan for not accepting the Democratic Republic of the Congo citizen he sent there by mistake. The commander of a Greenland military base was ousted when she failed to rattle her saber loudly enough for JD Vance. US tells Greenland “I see you have Injuns! We have Injuns!” Kennedy Center president Richard Grenell believes people boycotting the Kennedy Center hate Republicans, when mostly they hate Richard Grenell.

What happens when the courts can’t trust the Executive Branch? Well, we are about to find out, because the courts can’t trust the Executive Branch. Learn more about courts of equity, such as the Court of Chancery.

Kash Patel plans to work remotely in his FBI position but wasn’t remotely working in his ATF job.

Hey now… there’s no proof that Marjorie Taylor Green participated in insider trading this week, or placed pipe bombs prior to Jan 6… It just looks like that.

RFK Jr. will discover the cause of autism by this fall, but if you have cancer, you’ll need to wait a little longer.  

It’s only TLDR if you don’t take the time to read it! How did the President lose and when did he lose it in the SCOTUS Alien Enemy Act case? Curtis Yarvin always wanted to destroy the United States and the global economy, yet somehow still feels empty inside.

Today on KITM, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are back! Of course, you expected them to, but how often do things go as expected anymore?

If you thought it was profitable lurking on Pete Hegseth’s signal chats, just think of being on Don Jr. or MTG’s alerts yesterday!  Democrats not on the friend lists are sternly authoring letters at this moment. Who’d guess that Donald K. Trump would use tariffs to reward his friends, when everyone just assumed that he was only using them to punish his enemies? Well, following Trump’s victory/defeat, we can put that behind us, except that it hasn’t changed and it’s still coming…. The apocalypse has been only delayed, until DOGE can make a run on the banks as fun as a run on the stock market.

Congress could take tariff authority back from Trump tomorrow, it’s just that they’ve arranged for tomorrow to not arrive this year. As for today, you knew Republicans weren’t going to stick around through recess debating their big horrible bill. (Including Jared Golden (Maine), Marie Gluesenkamp Perez (Wash.), Henry Cuellar (Texas) and Ed Case (Hawaii).

Golden Trump bust lapel pins are the new American Flag on Republican lapels as Trump directs Pam Bondi, She Wolf of the DOJ, to find capital offences with people who weaponized politics at him. Trump has an Article 2 which allows him to call for 2nd Amendment solutions on anyone. They were just putting Henrry Villatoro Santos blindfold on when they had to let him go.

Elon Musk needs to buy his elections more discreetly. 

Tulsi Gabbard declared her residency in Texas, then voted in Hawaii… Look a squirrel, on that grassy knoll!

A thunder of jets in an open sky... A streak of gray and a cheerful "Hi"! A loop, a whirl, a vertical climb, and once again you know it's time for the adventures of David J. Waldman, his pal Greg Dworkin, KITM and friends!

We are at the dawn of the Trump Tariff era, and the sunset of every other era anyone would want to live in. Sure, the Trump tax will cost America trillions of dollars in the most regressive and destructive way imaginable. But many fictional economists do advocate for the measure, ready to put their fictional necks on the line if things go wrong. MAGA welcomes the new people’s revolution. After all, nothing will build character in today’s youth more effectively than a lifetime working on collective farms.

(Elon Musk says, “Uh, wait a minute.” Donald K. Trump says, “How about 90 days Mr. Musk?”) 

Musk doesn’t need the US when he has the rest of the world’s teat to suck. Does Trump really need tariffs when just threatening them gives him all of the “Please Sir” stories he ever needs?  Trump can make up all of the “Please Sir” stories he’ll ever need. Follow Aaron Rupar on Blue Sky… Blue Sky… Blue Sky!

Who needs to threaten tariffs when you can threaten to bomb Mexico and Panama? Why intimidate citizens when you can make them disappear? 

We can still have elections, and there’s a bunch of them this month. Not all judges are Texan, not even Trump appointed judges. Meanwhile, Dems are working harder and Gops are hardly working.

Are you back in high school? Have your pants disappeared? Yes, you are in the middle of a nightmare... Lucky you. Waking nightmares are much more frustrating.

At least we have David Waldman on KITM to explain some of the horrors befalling us.

Bette Midler refused to dance with Donald K. Trump at Studio 54. That was the moment Donald’s mind ceased to function, trapping him forever in the early 80’s. Now, we are trapped with him. So, who’s to blame for the Trump Tariffs? Uhm… Elon Musk? No, probably not. How about Peter Navarro? Maybe it’s Howard Lutnick? Or could it be JD Vance’s fault for these Trump Tariffs?

No one has figured out who is responsible for the Trump Tariffs, but there will be a $100 million, 4-mile-long parade to honor Generalissimo K. Trump on his birthday.

Meanwhile, Gops will raise the debt limit to $5 trillion, and cut taxes by $5 trillion, because at this point, why not? Blue states can officially drop dead. For those who care about an excuse for SignalFiascoGate, here’s one. Complaints and suggestions are always welcome, just remember to fill out your name and address legibly for a quick response! Judges in Texas are standing by to habeas your corpus onto C-17s, ASAP.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin return to today’s KITM. You didn’t think ever miss this, did you?

For those of you keeping a tally, Donald K. Trump also does not understand what the word “beautiful” means.  The stock market continues to crash here and around the world. There was that moment when people became insane enough to believe that Trump might have suddenly become sane, but then another Trillion bucks went away forever, and reality snapped back. This is an economic catastrophe orchestrated by Republicans, but one they don’t know how, don’t care how, and are afraid to fix. 

Follow Lawrence H. Summers on Blue Sky. (Unfollow him anywhere else.)   All of this FAFO will be just the medicine MAGA needs. Trump will crash the economy and thus all of his support. Silicon Valley and Wall Street are shocked that their boy would do this to them. So are all of those regular folk in rural, red… Ok, maybe don’t expect a “wave of woke” to roar across America awfully soon.   After all, the White House is fighting the return of an immigrant that they admit they kidnapped and disposed of in El Salvador. They’d rather send their own lawyer, who confessed to the crime down there, to join him. 60 Minutes found no criminal record for 75% of the Venezuelan migrants sent to El Salvador.   A guy who left Mexico at 4 years old, got married and had kids was finally caught and deported when he visited his grandfather's grave.    Who out there can save us from this horrific tragedy? Well, let me check the roster and see who’s scheduled… Oh yes, it’s you, right on the top of the list again.

Why pay more? For far less than the hourly rate of a psychiatrist, David Waldman can address much of the anxiety that you, and he, suffer beneath the surface of each day. Dollar for dollar, KITM sooths and informs better than most barbers, bartenders, or even Uber drivers. Try some today!

While you’re doing that, do something else! There’s plenty to be done and you’re the one to do it. You have to do it, no one else is going to do it, they are too busy doing their part. Don’t make us tariff you.

Yesterday, Donald K. Trump pitched the world into a steep nosedive, before parachuting out somewhere over the Doral golf course. What was he thinking?

Great minds struggle to decipher and explain Trump’s tariff calculations, failing to consider that tiny minds came up with it. Actually, it’s not difficult to see that these tariffs are just another way to leverage and measure acquiescence and obsequence.

How can the Democrats ever pull us out of this horrible spin? IEEPA!

Don’t ask Trump anything about SignalGate. Don’t ask him about anything. Please don’t ask him about his $5 million instant citizen gold card.

Interim and future U.S. attorney for the District of Columbia, Ed Martin is as Trumpy as they come, alarming federal prosecutors across the political spectrum. There’s no point along any spectrum unalarmed by Laura Loomer, who unfortunately has Trump’s rear, uh, “ear” to whisper sweet enemy lists into. The 5th floor window that General Timothy Haugh, the director of the National Security Agency and US Cyber Command was shoved out of was in fact, not literal, as the deep state had all of office windows sealed due to “the environment”.

South Koreans are still puzzling over why their leader declared martial law, while Americans are puzzling over how to get our justice system to work half as well as the South Korean’s.

Because The Donald waited until after the markets closed yesterday to announce the “details” of his tariff “plan,” Greg Dworkin had to wait until this morning to chime in on the results. And even though in the modern age there’s trading done at all hours, all around the world, we still had to wait until 9:30 for The Old Man’s version of “the market” to open. But we knew it was gonna be bad. For everyone and everything (except Russia). How could it have been otherwise?

Still, there are always those who refuse to see it coming. Or refused to see it for what it was. Which is to say, “ruination.” Just “wildly destructive stupidity.”

The good news about Democratic reaction to the tariffs is that they had a genuine success in the Senate, with four Gop defections on a measure to block them! Republicans do know this sucks for them!

The not-so-good news is that it was about the last round of tariffs announced — the ones against Canada — not including this most recent round of nuttery.

Luckily, there was more good news. Namely, Democratic turnout and performance in Tuesday’s elections. It was good news even in the expected Florida losses, but most especially in the Wisconsin win.

The momentum is most welcome! We’re gonna need it, because he’s not leaving willingly. And the Gop knows that sucks for them, too.

In case you thought Signalgate didn’t still suck, it does! They don’t want to let Mike Waltz out from under that bus, even if he hasn’t yet gotten caught in the wheels.

Elsewhere, Eric Adams finally got his case dismissed. But not the way the Trump DOJ envisioned it. And Gerry Connolly scores with some SSA emails that confirm that stupidest of scenarios: Yes, Social Security registration for newborns in Maine really was targeted because Janet Mills was tough with Trump.

Today let’s join David Waldman in bidding adieu to yesterday’s co-host Charlie Kirk. We at KITM wish him well in his future endeavors. 

Greg Dworkin, who is 100% available on Blue Sky, felt possessed to post his analysis of where we are, post yesterday’s events, on the execrable X... At least he didn’t dock his Raft O’ Stories ™ over at the Tesla dealership. 

When will Democrats say or do enough to counter Donald K. Trump? Yesterday, and for more than 25 hours previously, Senator Cory Booker said and did enough. Great! OK, who’s next at bat?

Yesterday’s elections were very special. Florida Republicans won, sure, but other than that, they can’t really brag. In Wisconsin, Elon Musk had his ass handed to him, then claimed that he always wanted to look at it from that angle.

Mike Johnson couldn’t kill a new parents proxy voting measure, so he took his ball and went home.

Donald K. Trump is furious to catch Senate Gops attempting to slip out of his Tariff Jonestown before the big event. What’ll be in tonight’s batch of Kool-Aid? Canadians, Mexicans and Europeans have already moved on, and Trump couldn’t care less. 

Abducting people to disappear and destroying government and democracy sure sounded like good ideas at the time, but...

The Signal witch-hunt continues, but which witch will Trump burn? Michael Waltz used to be “Signal stupid”, but now he’s “Gmail stupid”, while Pete Hegseth is a special kind of stupid, and getting more special every day. 

All of Mel Gibson’s flags are red, but when a Justice Department Official didn’t want Mel to buy more guns, she was fired. Donald could pardon him. Donald will pardon anything.

David Waldman is not April fooling. Why devote a single day of our year to cruel jokes when with Donald K. Trump, every day can be one?

The real April Fools’ day is tomorrow when all, none, or some of Trump tariffs go into effect. Europeans have a plan for handling whatever Trump brings on, Americans, well, not so much.

The Trump administration is warning companies throughout Europe to cut out their DEI, CRT... whatever they call it in their counties, or else.

America paid El Salvador just to take their prisoners, sadly, there is no “return policy”. Oopsie! You, on the other hand, are not yet on route to a detention facility. Why is that?

Doge pirates take over the Federal payroll system. The old crew walks the plank. Elon isn’t saving the government money but saved himself $500 million on the cool previous headquarters of the United States Insititute of Peace.

Big Elections are happening today in Wisconsin and Florida. Congratulations to Nicholas Jacobs and Ekaterina Diestler big winners in Elon Musk’s — April Fools!

No joke! Cory Booker goes to Washington and has been going Jimmy Stewart for over 15 hours as I write this.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are back for yet another week of KITM! How do they do it, what is their secret? No one knows!

We begin the week with the White House embroiled in scandal. Which scandal? All of them!

There’s SignalGate, the main culprit of which has been finally determined to be JD Vance, or the news media, or an unspecified Democrat yet to be announced.

JD Vance is also guilty of blowing the art of the deal in Greenland. Like Canada, Greenland has a lot to offer in both material and strategic benefits. Just think of the partnerships, alliances, and investments Trump could have potentially made if his first negotiation tactic was ever something other than a pussygrab? 

Countries who turned away their pussygrabs get tariffs this Wednesday, or at least more threats of more tariffs. Nothing makes Trump angrier than someone stealing his pickup technique.

Don’t knock it, the Trump pussygrab has been a success with most of the media, several law firms, and an undisclosed number of SCOTUS. Following many, yet not enough, injunctions from lower-court judges, the Supreme Court has six pending emergency applications from Trump demanding to know "So like…What are we?"  

Gops warned Victoria Spartz not to have town halls, but she didn’t listen, and conducted a town hall in which she wouldn’t listen. For Victoria, if you have to ask for due process, you must not deserve it. Think those masked guys heading your way won’t put a bag over your head? Surprise!

Democrats will fix this all soon… we just need to get a little bit closer to their mid-term election fundraising drives, ok, please? In contrast, Donald K. Trump is already getting set for his 2028 election, and beyond. Wait a second, doesn’t the Constitution prohibit that sort of thing? Where we’re going, we don’t need Constitutions.

France on the other hand, takes things seriously, but their guillotine must have been on the fritz because Marine Le Pen only received 5 years off from seeking office.