It’s No Structure Tuesday, in the Second Trump Era! And a reality TV personality-turned-government official says they’re gonna put a nuclear reactor on the moon. And it wasn’t even the orange one!

That’s the kind of day it’s been.

Wait, here’s something more random and even dumber: Murdery Traitor Greene is lobbying Trump to commute George Santos’ sentence. At just 11 days into a 7+ year stretch.

And if you believe that one, try imagining her leaving the Republican Party. Ha ha! Yeah. Sure, Jan. How could she ever leave when she’s still actively calling for Democrats to be investigated and arrested for… the 2020 election, Epstein, and… January 6th! Democrats!

Pam Bondi, meanwhile, is back to investigating Democrats for… the 2016 election. Some grand jury, somewhere, is purportedly being convened by someone, to investigate… something. You know. Things!

Returning to the lengthy profile of DOGE’s 23-year-old-in-charge-of-erasing-distinguished-careers, others are asking just how many people it can be said this Wunderkind killed. Good job, homeschooling!

On the “international” front, Trump continues to say the world “deals” a lot. Are they “deals,” though? And are “deals” (as Trump defines the word) even a good thing in this context?

Would he know how to evaluate a “good deal” even if he was capable of making one? Does it count if he just makes it all up?

Stay tuned!

I mean, the answer is “no,” but stay tuned to hear us say it some more, anyway.

It’s Monday! That means Greg Dworkin was here. And it means there was a weekend catch-up marathon on Trump’s “volatile side,” via the Abbreviated Pundit Roundup, and another installment in our more-popular-than-the-actual-hosts Tom Lehrer retrospective.

Texas Republicans are redistricting. Yes, again! Or at least trying to. Dems are absenting themselves in order to deny them a quorum. Yes, again! Greg Abbott, meanwhile, says he’s trying to absent them from office.

Trump’s stupid “policies” are starting to make the economy suck, and everybody knows it. So, you have to fire the knowers, or at least the tellers, starting from the top. Just like successful countries like Argentina do. Will that be enough to help MAGA forget about having their faces eaten by leopards?

Perhaps, one day, their children will forget. If they ever have any.

Everybody’s been talking about this blockbuster dissection of a Dem fundraising black hole operation. And everybody’s angry! But you may be pleased to know there’s a plan to make fundraising black holes angry, too.

You thought Greg wasn’t going to say anything about the NYC mayoral race? Duh! They just polled the local space laser enthusiasts, to see what they’re thinking.

You thought Greg wasn’t going to say anything about Epstein? Duh! Well, actually he didn’t. But he meant to! Trump’s hoping a different shiny object will distract people. Only this one’s about Obama, and not everyone thinks that’s so shiny, anymore. But dumbasses do! We’ll never run out of dumbasses!

Not while one of ‘em is president, anyway!

(Remember when I said he was probably choosing Oval Office portraits for the frames, with no idea who was in the paintings? Well, yeah!)

August! Only 25 Patreon-PayPal-Square Cash shopping days until David Waldman’s birthday! A great time to begin or up your recurring donations to KITM!

What will It cost to renovate the ‘Free’ Qatari Air Force One? Don’t ask… but if you were to ask, it’s around $1billion. Is Trump trying to hide that $1billion price tag? Why, yes, he is. Will Trump try to take it home with him? Why bother to ask? Meanwhile plans are underway for the Trump White House Convention Center and Casino. How much will that cost? Who’ll pay for that? You’re full of questions, aren’t you?

Trump purports to raise tariffs on Canada. Canada says that news is big if true. South Korea says don’t believe it until you see it. Wisconsin Gop Bryan Steil can’t believe his town halls could boo so loud.

Is this any way to run a paper? Jeff Bezos discovers that no, it probably is not.

Brilliant boy genius Luke Farritor ingeniously disemboweled the United States government. It’s up to more mature minds to determine if that is what he “should” have been doing.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin continue our KITM-wide tribute to Tom Lehrer, who, amongst his many attributes, is copyright free. Leher wasn’t the only political satirist capable of rhyming “Epstein” with “tiny peen”, but definitely one of the best.

Heard any good Jeffrey Epstein news lately? Most Americans want to release the Epstein files. Most Americans think the Epstein files contain "embarrassing" info about Trump. Most Americans believe that Trump was involved in Epstein's crimes. That includes quite a few MAGA-Americans, Moron-Americans, and even a few Moron-MAGA-Americans.  The best thing about Jeffrey Epstein news is that there’s so much Jeffrey Epstein news left to report. The DOJ faces a subpoena over the Epstein files by the House Oversight Committee, it’s just that James Comer is in no hurry to sign it. 

I can’t afford a Washington Post subscription. Jeff Bezos could make the Washington Post free to subscribers. In fact, Jeff could afford to make the entire Washington Post free if he wanted to and just sail away from it all, no problem.

Trump TACOs on Mexico. Bullshits on Japan. Scams his own voters with Europe.

Laura Loomer will win back Donald’s love by throwing shade at everyone else. Even West Point is too woke for Laura. 

HEY YOU GUYS! On KITM today, David Waldman spins the hits and reports the latest local and national Epstein news, with traffic and tsunamis on the 10’s.  Today’s topic: Why are people talking more and more about John Stafford?

Greg Dworkin is back, back in the New York groove, poring over the datum within the data of the polling of the upcoming New York City Mayoral election which will be won by Zohran Mamdani. Does Mamdani say things right, or does he say the right things?  Democrats are mostly crap at both, but also aren’t Republicans, so there’s that.

The world’s most important mayoral race is under the cloud of a mass shooting, which is not only a test for not-yet-Mayor Mamdani, but he’ll no doubt be graded on everyone else’s mass shootings as well.

Donald K. Trump is probably working on ways to work Zohran into his Epstein conversations. Yesterday, Trump settled the whole Epstein mess by explaining that he caught Jeff stealing all the underage babes he had invested in, stored in the Mar-a-Lago basement, and if there was one motto Donald does not believe in, it’s “Bros before hos”. Trump should sue Epstein for all of the money that he lost to Jeff’s “business” … or he could pardon Diddy. That should do it.

David Walman wraps up our July fund drive as we launch our August fund drive later this week. Subscribers who join at our $400 per month tier will get something, even if I have to crochet or bake it.

Another day, another cloud of a mass-shooting to broadcast from underneath. If Louisiana Gop John Kennedy manages to enact anti-idiot laws, he’ll be the first on the plane to El Salvador. Minnesota cops avoid clouds of mass-shooting, by waiting for the sun to come out.

Trump can’t believe that everyone still wants to talk about Epstein-Epstein-Epstein when instead they should check out his list of Epstein connections, that he personally calls “The Epstein List”.  You know who could settle this? The Hannibal Lecter of sex traffickers, Ghislaine Maxwell. The perfect neutral mediator would be Trump’s personal lawyer, now Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche, the very guy to understand the perspectives and priorities of everyone in this case. Dick Durbin peeks from his hidey-hole to shake his fist.

Whistleblower evidence suggests that Trump judicial nominee Emil Bove misled Senate, therefore Judge James Boasberg will have to pay. They’re soon going to run out of room at Guantanamo at this rate.

Sure, the US seems more criminal and corrupt with each day, but as long as we are graded on the same curve as the Russian Army we’ll be just fine.

Today, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin return to distract you from the real problem, whatever that might be.

Another RIP goes out, this time to Tom Lehrer. Some of you know his math, and a few of you might know his cryptography, but many of you know many of his songs, and you owe it to yourself to know many more. Hopefully, this will be an opportunity for some sort of collaboration with Ozzy Osborne.

Scotland welcomes Donald K. Trump. They say that the K stands for Knuckle-brained fart lozenge.  We say they’re welcome to him. Inexplicably, the Scots keep letting him in.  Donald saves on strokes by aiming for his caddy’s back pocket.

Independents dislike Trump even more than they dislike Biden. Voters hate what Trump does and hate Democrats for letting him do it.

That darn Epstein! Out there, stealing Trump’s glory and/or distracting from his crimes. Trump opens the borders to violent criminals and mass murderers. It isn’t only that MAGA likes rapists and murderers, but it’s how much they like to rape and murder that makes them so deplorable.

David Waldman is out of here! Almost!

Whacha wanna talk about? How about Jeffery Epstein? Other than ”Trump’s tiny peen”, the “Epstein files” are the country’s most talked about topic. Ghislaine Maxwell is conversant in either subject, of course, but would rather be moving on at this stage.  Donald P.P. Trump says he hasn’t “thought about” pardoning Ghislaine and therefore has decided to. That wouldn’t quiet much down, as Gops have arranged to keep talking on the subject through the Fall, the DOJ has more than 100,000 pages' of unreleased Epstein materials, Epstein's estate has his 50th birthday book, Rupert Murdoch gets to testify, and Steven KG Bannon has 15 hours of Epstein interviews...  The only way out is for the administration to admit mistakes and defeat… heh, heh.

Or they could blame it on AI. How? Well, they’d have to ask AI. Sam Altman tells investors that the first step would be to create an all-powerful AI, the second step would be instant profit and/or annihilation.

Just kidding. People don’t require something as sophisticated as AI to bamboozle them. You can’t fool Jerome Powell. TACO couldn’t pull one over on him. There’s hope for the future as textbook publishers refuse to go MAGA.

Big MAGA dummy Pete Hick-Seth was sharing secret documents, with “SECRET” written right across them, on Signal after all. If you are a Hegseth aide looking to steal a little valor, hurry, your time might be limited. On the other hand, old work buddy Mike Waltz did find himself a new gig as UN ambassador...

Mar-a-Lago classified documents witnesses picked up $310,000 tip from the RNC, probably tax-free.

Instead of Trump’s tiny peen, check out his big, beautiful deal with Japan, although the more you do look at it, the less impressive it becomes.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin wish you all a joyous and/or contemplative Pioneer Day this year, along with the other 364. (Coincidentally, Jeffery Epstein’s motto was “Bring ‘em young!”)

Many questions remain unanswered following Epstein’s untimely demise, but one thing is certain: Donald FN Trump’s name is all over the Epstein files, and he knows it. Gops sneak out the back door and hope no one notices. Democrats follow them out and hope everyone notices. Thus, we are only about a week away from Ghislaine Maxwell’s mysterious death in, or miraculous release from, prison.

Sedation, stat! Donald’s meds need to be upped. Tulsi Gabbard makes the US take one for Team Trump. Why supply evidence when the boss says you have proof? Is Trump's treason accusation a confession? Ya figure? Trump pulls a reverse-Jesus and sins so that his followers may live to sin.

Gop Mike Lawler will hide in the House, barking, rather than challenge Governor Kathy Hochul.

Donald K. Trump is… unpopular, especially among independents, but generally with everyone.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin boost us over any number of humps today.

Renown reality TV star/Trump critic/frequent Zakk Wylde bandmate Ozzy Osborne has died at age 76, too soon for most people, but especially for an artist who transformed so many genres while defining his own.

Not RIP-ing anytime soon is Jeffery Epstein, who is receiving an amazing number of coverups for a guy who didn’t wear pants half the time. Mike Johnson believed that he could put a fig leaf on anything, but not when even MAGA wants a peek. Congrats go out to Tulsi Gabbard for coming up with a way to keep her paychecks coming during these difficult times. Trump is now wondering who he needs to push out a window to make this all stop.

We told you that Alina Habba wasn’t going to keep her job as top federal prosecutor in New Jersey, but the administration is working to make us pre-wrong on that prediction. We also told you about John A. Sarcone III, who is either acting US attorney or assistant to himself, and Albany resident or ghost of the local haunted house.

Trump and Japan are signing off on the HUGEST deal ever made, estimated at coming in somewhere between worse and better than nothing.  Similarly, drug prices will be set to net consumers up to $150 for each dollar that they spend. I might become a Trumper if this turns out to be true. The rise of Democrats in polls shows that most are not betting on it. 

Elon Musk will really need to turn up his folksy charm if he wants to get his third party off the ground.