Being asked to find your “style” is a trap. First, because one look could never define you. Second, and most important, because style doesn’t come from the outside in. It comes from inside of us and flows out.
As a designer it may seem counter-intuitive for me to say it’s a silly notion that there’s a coffee table out there that defines you. Isn’t that the message of design? Too often it is, but it’s the wrong message. When things are in healthy order the objects in your life don’t define you, your life defines them.
I know, that’s easier said than done. Because being human is not just about being a unique individual but also about belonging to something larger than ourselves. And often it’s those associations, those relationships, those groups, those families from which we derive a significant part of our value. And have no doubt, because you are a social creature, you derive value from acceptance in the group. They have taught us to behave and conform in certain specific ways if we want to belong. And we do want to belong. But it’s those groups that, albeit sometimes unintentionally, have tamped down the discovery of your own style.
As you grow older the urge to be uniquely and fully yourself—if it hasn’t been completely snuffed out—hopefully grows stronger. But in order for it to come to full blossom you’ll need help. You still need the group. You’ll always need the group. It’s in your nature.
And as you grow older hopefully a sense of your own agency grows too. The kind of agency that allows you to look beyond a group that has boxed you in, and instead, find your own people.
Part of growing up is that we all need to eventually come out of the closet, embrace who we truly are, and find our own people.
I saw a sign in a shop this week. It was beautiful. It said, “You will be too much for some people. Those are not your people.” So true.
So who are your people? They are the ones who give you permission to be you.
Not that you are ever finished becoming or that you don’t still need a good deal of work. But your people are ok with it. So when you start looking for your style, start with giving yourself permission to just be you, and then find the people who give you that permission too. And of course, maybe start with giving someone else your permission to be themselves, without judgement.
So forget about finding your style. Just embrace your authentic self and what you’ll find is a lifestyle, and then the rest will follow.
As your style guru, you have my permission to discover yourself, to find your people, to dream your dream and create a dream house to live it in. And most of all to build yourself a beautiful life.