Launching Your Daughter

Today's episode is all about boundaries. What are boundaries or limit setting, tips for setting boundaries and why they are important for teen girls and parents. Each week I discuss boundaries with my adult and teen girl clients. There are many myths about what a boundary is and misunderstandings on how to set them.

In this episode you will learn:

• What is a boundary
• Tips to set boundaries
• Healthy vs unhealthy boundaries

To see the full show notes visit http://launchingYourdaughter.com

I invite you to sign up for my newsletter because I have some upcoming announcements for teen girls and for mothers.

My guest today is Dr. Lisa Damour, a psychologist and director of the internationally renowned Laurel School's Center for Research on Girls. Lisa pulls back the curtain on the teenage years and shows why your daughter's erratic and confusing behavior is actually healthy, necessary, and natural. Her book Untangled Guiding Teen Girls through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, an instant New York Times best seller, explains what's going on, prepares parents for what's to come, and lets them know when it's time to worry. I am excited to speak with Lisa today about her book and dive a little deeper in one of the chapters. In this episode you will learn: Why Lisa wrote the book Helping parents and teen girls prepare for the future Teenage development is not a personal affront to parents Preparing for the future Requirements and concerns have changed over last ten years These changes are not in alignment with normal development Creating stress for parents and teen girls Can create parents to be too involved Many colleges to choose from, so not a crisis unless parents want teen to attend their school or believe only a few good colleges Power Struggle with homework Allowing teen daughter to receive consequences for her choices in completing assignments or preparing for school tests May need to rule out learning disorder or attention issues Parents have choice of negative outcome or positive outcome depending on what they say or do Lisa shares with parents in giving themselves permission to make these "mistakes" when daughter is in middle school vs waiting until high school Allow your daughter to feel disappointment Teens can struggle with perspective and here is where parents can support her as she moves through this temporary feeling/moment in her life Normal development for your daughter to place autonomy over majority of issues Leverage becomes about removing freedoms/privileges Using her desire for autonomy to help leverage because you can't "make her" do anything Tips from Lisa Not taking your daughter's journey into teenage land as personal "Can feel like a breakup" because when she was younger she would laugh at your jokes then around 12 or 13 she no longer thinks your funny Normal development can be challenging and hard If she could rename the book she call it "It's not about you" because teenage development can seem like a personal affront to parents and its not Parents give yourselves permission to grieve the loss of this change in your relationship with your teen daughter because it is a loss Seek support from friends and colleagues during this stage of life I have some upcoming announcements I will be making for both teen girls and their moms, so go to www.LaunchingYourDaughter.com to sign up for the newsletter. This podcast is also available on Stitcher, Google Play, YouTube and now iHeartRadio. Lisa's Information: Website: www.drlisadamour.com Book: Untangled Guiding Teen Girls through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood

Today's guest is Jonathan Singer who is an associate professor of social work at Loyola University Chicago's school of social work and the founder and host of the Social Work Podcast. He is the author of dozens of publications, including the 2015 book "Suicide in Schools: A Practitioner's Guide to Multi-level Prevention, Assessment, Intervention, and Postvention." Jonathan has been a practicing social worker for 20 years and has spent much of that time working with suicidal youth and their families. He's a Hoosier by birth and graduate of Earlham College in Richmond, IN. He lives in Evanston, IL with his wife and three kids. In this episode you will learn: Examples of how parents can communicate with their teenager about concerns of suicide Breaking a myth around suicide Resources available for parents, teens and mental health professionals Jonathan's experience with working with suicidal folks He is a teacher and researcher Working with folks who are suicidal for years Uses family system perspective LGBT teens can be higher risk if there is no family support Trained in attachment based family therapy He described rupture/break between child and parents Uses a structured approach Explore both sides of where break happens Kids doesn't have to come to parent for everything except when kid is talking about suicide Statistics Stats are from looking at all Americans 43,000 suicides in 2014 Hard to compare state to state-can look at American Association of Suicidology which share data once a year 65 and older-rate is 16.6 per 100,00 or 21 suicides per day 45 to 64-rate is 19.5 per 100,000 or 45 suicides per day young is 15 to 24 yrs old-rate is 11.6 per 100,000 or 14 per day Thoughts of suicide are not normative Stats show 12% of kids up to age 18 yrs old have had thoughts of suicide Yet "normal enough" need to acknowledge kids talk about suicide Breaking a myth Breaking the myth that speaking about suicide will make person suicidal It is ok to bring up the topic with your child and explore if they have had friends talk about suicide Jonathan gives examples of what parents can say to their teen Role modeling shows you are not afraid to speak about suicide Want to connect with other parents vs manage by yourself Search Institute-40 Developmental Assets-shares positive indicators is parents in a community with other parents having shared parenting values Can seek support from other parents/friends on Facebook and know Facebook algorithms may not rank post high Jonathan discussed DOCZ app-which has peer support and health professionals available for parents needing support Find out your teen's school policies regarding suicide and mental health management Does school have signs of strength (SOS) club? Do they do universal screening and if they have a concern what do they do? Jonathan discussed his book for mental health professionals The forms are useable and copyright goes with owner of book Can input data into forms Resources http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/ http://www.suicidology.org/resources/facts-statistics DOCZ app http://www.crisistextline.org/ https://spsmchat.com/-Suicide prevention in social media Search Institute http://www.search-institute.org/content/40-developmental-assets-adolescents-ages-12-18 I invite you to subscribe to my newsletter because I have some upcoming announcements for teen girls and their moms. This podcast is also available on Stitcher, Google Play, YouTube and now iHeartRadio. Website is www.LaunchingYourDaughter.com Jonathan's Information: Website: http://socialworkpodcast.blogspot.com/ Twitter: @socworkpodcast Facebook: www.facebook.com/swpodcast Email: [email protected] Book: Suicide in Schools: A Practitioner's Guide to Multi-level Prevention, Assessment, Intervention, and Postvention

Today's guest is Jessica Paist who has her degree in marriage and family therapy and is located in Jenkintown, PA. Jessica is a teen therapist who specializes in empowering tween and teen girls. She uses a family systems approach, which means she supports the parents along with their daughters.

In this episode you will learn:

• How group therapy can empower adolescent girls quicker than individual therapy
• Girls gain awareness they are not alone
• Girls can support one another

To find out more check out the show notes at http://nicolecburgess.com/ep30

Today's guest is Lynn Dutrow who is a licensed clinical professional counselor and courage coach in Frederick, Maryland. She has over 25 years of experience in the psychology and education fields and now offers coaching to teens and adults who struggle with anxiety.

In this episode you will learn:

• Difference of coaching vs counseling
• How coaching can be effective with managing anxiety
• Benefits of parents doing coaching

How coaching is different than counseling

• She explains how coaching can begin before parent or teen is diagnosed with a mental health diagnosis, such as generalized anxiety disorder
• Coaching focuses on the present vs reflecting on the past
• Lynn shares how Auntie Anxiety came about for coaching business
• This "character" can help bring in humor to the hard work and get teens and parents to get outside themselves for a moment

How coaching can help manage anxiety

• Education about the parts of the brain that activate anxiety and fear
• Amygdala works like a smoke detector and its has an important job, but for some of us our smoke detector works like it will go off if steam is coming out of the shower
• Help people recognize they won't get rid of anxiety and not the goal Turn it from enemy to ally
• Work for you vs against you
• Begin process of taking action to make change
• Begin to get comfortable in the uncomfortable and lean into the fears
• Gain understanding of reacting to vs responding to
• We all have anxiety

Coaching parents

• Helping parents recognize their own anxiety
• Understanding the idea that society has sold us that we can all be happy if we just buy this product.
• Reality is learning how to be uncomfortable, don't have to like it, but embrace it because it is important part of teens process and life
• Many well intentioned mother's who are in the role of taking care of everything who try to "speed up the process" have created more stress for themselves and teens are less confident because someone else has been doing the skill/task they need to know how to do
• Let your daughter be part of the family-let her get engaged in doing these tasks to help the whole family

What can stop parents in beginning coaching

• Fear of being uncomfortable
• Doing the work to begin to manage the worries
• Having initial session with coach can help challenge the old beliefs and gain understanding of embracing the uncomfortable

Benefits of Coaching:

• Educating parents and teenage girls about anxiety
• Anxiety is like a socially awkward friend who wants you to pay attention to it
• Anxiety makes our world really small
• How to manage it-expand your world, gain more confidence
• How to change it from being an enemy to being an ally
• Courage is showing up everyday
• Look for opportunities and keep moving forward

Book Recommendations:

Anxious Kids,Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent Children by Reid Wilson and Lynn Lyons I invite you to sign up for my newsletter.

I have some upcoming announcements I will be making, so go to www.LaunchingYourDaughter.com. This podcast is also available on Stitcher, Google Play, YouTube and now iHeartRadio.

Lynn's Information:

Website: www.auntieanxiety.com

Today's guest is Amy Morin who is a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and a lecturer at Northeastern University. She is also a keynote speaker, parent teen expert and child discipline expert for VeryWell.com and best selling author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do. I watched Amy's TED talk, The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong, recently and I am excited to speak with her today about how parents and teens can build resilience.

In this episode you will learn:

• Building your mental strength
• What locus of control means
• Role modeling your mental strength to your teen Taking calculated risks

Why Amy wrote a book

• Amy shares her personal story of the loss of her mother and husband and how it impacted her journey in becoming more mentally strong during tough times
  • She began to write articles after the death of her husband
  • She wrote a letter to herself about "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do", posted it on line "and it went viral"
  • Amy does speaking events in helping others "give up bad habits that keep them stuck."
• "As therapists we focus on good habits and strengths, but also need to explore what keeps us held back."
• The chapters give examples and at the end of each chapter there is "what's helpful" and "what's not helpful".
• Chapter one "They don't waste time feeling sorry for themselves" People get stuck on problems vs solutions
  • Need to look forward or how can I make my life better Amy shares how she had to figure out how to manage "the tough days" after her loses
  • Finding ways to be grateful for what you have vs what you lost Not dwelling on past, learn from it and move forward
  • Recognizing that you can control your mood
  • Allow yourself to feel emotions vs choice of staying stuck in it or leaning into it and move forward
• Chapter four is about locus of control (external vs internal and bilateral)
  • External locus of control-think outside forces dictate our lives
  • Internal locus of control-I have power over the things that happen to me
  • Bilateral-little of both You accept you can control your behaviors and other areas of your life you don't have control over, such as other people's behaviors.
• Raising mentally strong kids is being a good role model
• As you embrace these mentally strong concepts it helps your teenager
• Teaching your teen how to deal and cope with difficult emotions

Tip for Parents

• Being mindful of language you use because it can imply you are a victim For example "I have to" vs "This is a choice"
• Chapter six is about taking calculated risks
  • Decisions usually based on emotions vs exploring logic and seeing pros/cons of taking risk
  • Parents can help teens understand how their brains are changing and looking at risks/consequences vs reacting impulsively
  • Begin to face fears and tolerate anxiety, you can gain confidence
  • Parents you can reflect why your teen daughter's friends maybe doing X behavior (i.e. feels good, is exciting) and why we need to look at both sides of good and bad of choice

As you practice these concepts, it can help not only you build resilience when tough times happen, but also help your teen daughter gain this skill.

I invite you to sign up for my newsletter. I have some upcoming announcements I will be making, so go to www.LaunchingYourDaughter.com. This podcast is also available on Stitcher, Google Play, YouTube and now iHeartRadio.

Amy's Information:

Website: www.AmyMorinLCSW.com

Her eCourse: http://amymorinlcsw.com/ecourse/

Her book: http://amymorinlcsw.com/book/

At the time of this recording fall is here, which means here in the U.S. that holidays are approaching. For many people the holidays are filled with happiness and family gatherings. For some people the holidays may be filled with sadness and loss. If you have lost a parent, partner, family member, friend or a family pet, I will discuss some ways to cope with the loss.

In this episode you will learn:

• It is healthy to share your feelings and honor the loss
• Adults and children share and express grief differently
• Self-care and self-compassion are important during this time of season

Ways to Cope

• Talk to someone about what you are feeling or experiencing.
  • Some people are too uncomfortable with grief, so find someone who can listen to you.
  • If this is the first holiday without that person you may feel sad or lonely and sharing this with a trusted friend or loved one can help ease the pain.
  • Talk about what you miss about the person or what ritual you used to do together around this time.
• Create a ritual to acknowledge the person
  • Light a candle
  • Have a photo out during the celebrations
• Set aside some quiet time to reflect on that person.
  • Journal, cry, spend time looking at photos or watching home movie to allow yourself to feel the sadness and move through it.
  • After your quiet time is done, go do another activity.
  • Setting aside a specific amount of time can give you permission to feel the sadness, to continue to go in and out of the pain, without feeling overwhelmed.
  • Doing another activity after that can help you believe you are more in control of your emotions vs. the emotions overwhelming you.
• Remind yourself that family gatherings are not about perfection, but are about spending time with each other.
• It is ok to cancel the family gathering this year too. Be gentle with yourself.
• Adults experience grief and loss differently than children.
• Children are more in the present moment and my say 'I miss Grandma", then go off and play with other kids. It is normal and natural.

Seek professional help

• With time the symptoms of grief should decrease.
• If your feelings intensify, you are withdrawing from others, struggling with depression and it has been several months since the death, it maybe time to seek professional help.

Planning and preparing yourself

• What are you going to do to give yourself permission to have compassion for yourself and/or your children?
• Think of some ways now that can help you feel more prepared for the holidays.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." by Washington Irving

Book recommendations:

On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

The Wheel of Life by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and Todd Gold

Contact Nicole if you are in Indiana or the Indianapolis area and seeking professional help. www.LaunchingYourDaughter.com

Today's guest is Jennifer McGurk a registered dietitian nutritionist and certified eating disorder registered dietitian. Her practice is located in Nyack, NY. Jennifer believes that every client has different nutrition needs and what's right for one person may not be right for another. She believes in intuitive and mindful eating, and structures her sessions based on lifestyle changes, behavior modifications with food, and creative and realistic meal planning strategies.

In this episode you will learn:

• Jennifer works with adults and teens who have an unhealthy relationship with food or they want to change the relationship they have with food
• Nutritional food is for fueling the body and decreasing the cravings
• Gaining awareness of behavioral patterns or thoughts around food

For therapist and dietitians

• Need to begin to change what we consider normal in the media and change the language
• Discuss and recognize the negative "fat" talk-example "my cheeks are fat" or "I'm not beautiful"
• Begin to neutralize it with healthier thoughts, such as "those are my cheeks"
• Explore "What do I get out of that negative self-talk?"
• Negative self-talk can decrease confidence and self-esteem
• The number of sessions depends on what clients need or want from treatment and their level of commitment
• Dietitian helps with:
• Creating a food plan with the client Uses science and give specific recommendations of healthy diet
• Review behavior changes and the "why's" behind behavior and food decisions
• Diet equals nourishment and life style change
• Research shows that those who skip breakfast eat more later in day
• Body slows downs, using brain energy at school and all this can create binging on foods after school/work
• Pack an apple and peanut butter, a smoothy or half a sandwich to eat for breakfast

For parents

• Talk about concerns or eating issues with your teenage daughter
• You may think "it will make it worse", but if you have open conversations it can help
• Jennifer recommends F.E.A.S.T or http://www.feast-ed.org/
• Schedule an appointment just for yourself to begin the process and explore ways in communicating concerns about your teen
• Some prevention tips
  • Not talking about food as good or bad
  • Judging your own weight and making comments about it in front of your daughter
  • Don't force your child to eat everything on their plate
• Today's world we are emotional eaters, we use food as comfort
• Begin to use Hunger Scale
  • Rate your hunger from 1 to 10
  • One being extremely hungry
  • Five being neutral
  • Ten being you are Thanksgiving sick
• Can use app called "Rise Up" which is geared toward eating disorders, but can rate your hunger

Book Recommendations

Healthy at Every Size by Linda Bacon (http://www.lindabacon.org/haesbook/) Body Kindness book by Rebecca Scritchfield http://bodykindnessbook.com/ Rebecca's podcast http://www.rebeccascritchfield.com/podcast/ Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch

If you liked this episode I invite you to subscribe on iTunes to receive the weekly updates. This podcast is also available on Stitcher, Google Play, YouTube and now iHeartRadio. Website is www.LaunchingYourDaughter.com

Jennifer's Information:

Website: http://eatwithknowledge.com/

For therapist: http://www.pursuingprivatepractice.com/ for book

Today's guest is Dr. Melvin Varghese a psychologist in Philadelphia, PA and host of the popular podcast Selling the Couch. He is a colleague and my mentor in this podcasting journey. We discuss what perfectionism looks like from a male perspective, how it impacted Melvin growing up and how he manages it as an adult. One goal of this episode is to continue to raise awareness how perfectionism not only affects women, but men too and ways to challenge old thoughts/stories we tell ourselves. Now here is todays episode.

In this episode you will learn:

• How Melvin recognized perfectionism beginning as teenager and ways it manifested
• How he manages those behaviors and thoughts now
• Continuing to challenge societal beliefs about what it means to be a man

Embracing imperfection

• Men sometimes wear perfectionism as a badge of honor
• Society seems to have a double standard for men
• "When I hold this truth and embrace these imperfections is when others can see our humanity."
• Give ourselves permission to feel both negative emotions and positive emotions
• Step into our growth edge
• Melvin shares how as a teenager perfectionism manifested in behaviors
• His family moved to U.S. when he was in second grade
• Wanted to do well academically for my parents and brother
• He identified his self-worth with his grades
• Began to manifest in some obsessive/compulsive behaviors, such as, how items on his desk were arranged
• Our minds can go to one extreme or other i.e. "I won't live up to my potential" More pressure on teens today
• Can impact their views of self-worth Reminding them they are okay and failures are learning opportunities
• As an adult When he first created his business old perfectionism thoughts returned and he recognized fear of not being liked
• He combated perfectionism with:
  • Setting time limits for activities
  • Reminded himself-not about being perfect but about embracing imperfection
  • Using "both"/"and" vs "either"/"or"
  • Gaining self-awareness regarding old thoughts and beliefs
  • "I can put information out there and may not resonate with everyone and that is ok plus I can continue to tweak/modify as I go."
  • Wants the world to see him as who he is

Self-Care skills:

• Has consistent morning routine
• Does 30 minutes of exercise
• Listens to TED talk Has meditation routine
• Plans day with 1 to 3 tasks
• Breaks day into 30 minute chucks
• Gets 8 hours of sleep each night

Recommendations:

Sue Johnson-Hold Me Tight

Brene Brown-The Gift of Imperfection

Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D.-The Pursuit of Perfect: How to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer, Happier Life

If you liked this episode I invite you to subscribe on iTunes to receive the weekly updates. This podcast is also available on Stitcher, Google Play, YouTube and now iHeartRadio. Website is www.LaunchingYourDaughter.com

Melvin's Information:

Website: http://sellingthecouch.com/

Coming soon for entrepreneur: http://melvinvarghese.com/

Todays guest is Laura Reagan LCSW-C. She is a Certified Daring WayTM facilitator, in private practice located in Severna Park, Maryland and has a podcast called Therapy Chat. She specializes in working with adults who have experienced some childhood relational trauma, such as emotional or physical neglect, physical, sexual or emotional abuse, or have witnessed domestic violence. On todays episode Laura shares what parents and teen girls can do if they believe they have been sexually abused.

In this episode you will learn:

• Laura defines sexual assault as: "any unwanted sexual touching (touching rear end, touching sexual body parts) to rape…child sexual abuse, sexual assault where no intercourse to rape."
• Sexual abuse and assault is considered a trauma
• Statistics: 1 out of every 4 girls and 1 out of 6 boys under age 18 yrs have had some type of unwanted sexual experience
• Often the person who has been sexually assaulted will not know they have been an answer the question as "no" when asked.
• But when ask more specific questions about unwanted sexual experiences they will disclose experiences
• Part of this is raising awareness of what sexual assault means
• If you are intoxicated you can't give consent
• Maybe a sign you have been sexually assaulted if:
• You wake up and I feel like I have had sex but not in relationship,
• Wasn't plan on having sex or
• Wasn't interested in anyone this Y
• ou can go to college counseling office and speak to a professional
• If not sure what you want to do call 24 hour R.A.I.N.N. hotline at 1-800-656-4673

What can parent do:

• If you child, teen, or adult child discloses they have been sexually assault Focus on how they feel
• And try not to be overwhelmed with your own feelings of what you hear
• They are asking you for help and for your support
• Suspend disbelief
• Call the hotline number because you may not know what to do and they can help

What not to do:

• Let them think you don't believe them
• That you don't support them
• Because that is harmful to your child/teen
• It can be detrimental to recovery
• Why do some people develop post-traumatic symptoms?
• Studies show is depends on how well that person is supported when they tell someone
• Next step is helping person regain a sense of power and control again by giving them choices
  • Let her decide whether she wants to call the police
  • Unless it is child abuse then you need to report immediately, but help victim feel like they have options
• Do they need medical attention?
  • Does a forensic exam need to be completed? If child under 13 years old-need hospital pediatric forensic nurse examiner
• Again call R.A.I.N.N. hotline and they can give you where to go
• You can have an advocate through your local sexual assault crisis center to be there during every step of the process
• Have to ask for an advocate
• Advocates are specially trained, they know your rights and can help explain your choices
• Advocate is an outside objective person
• Can have them there at court if you do not want your parents or loved ones in the room
• Parents can have advocate as well
• Exams are free and advocates are free
• Sexual assault affects everyone and offenders can be either gender

Resources:

Allies in Healing-book for how to support an adult who was abused as a child

Local Sexual Assault Association For Indiana http://indianacesa.org/

State wide local coalition One Billion Rising Revolution http://www.onebillionrising.org/

1 in 6 organization-male survivors of sexual assault https://1in6.org/ RAINN https://www.rainn.org/

If you liked this episode I invite you to subscribe on iTunes to receive the weekly updates. This podcast is also available on Stitcher, Google Play, YouTube and now iHeartRadio. Website is www.LaunchingYourDaughter.com

Laura's Information:

Website: www.therapychatpodcast.com

Podcast: Therapy Chat (iTunes, Stitcher, YouTube and iHeartRadio)