Launching Your Daughter

Today's episode is about communicating more effectively with your teenage daughter through reflective listening and assertive communication. You are role modeling problem solving skills to her using these skills. Now here is todays episode.

In this episode you will learn: Brain develops from back to front Teens don't have full frontal lobe until they are 24 to 26 years old Frontal lobe impacts executive functioning and impulse control

Listening:

Reflective listening or Active listening

• Improve problem solving skills for your teen daughter
• Parents ask yourself if this is your problem or hers.
  • Does this problem interfere with my rights or responsibilities?
  • Does it involve the safety of my teen or others?
  • If no then her problem
• You will reflect the emotions back or guess what she maybe feeling if she hasn't stated an emotion
• Don't force her to talk about what is going on if she doesn't want to and let her know you are there for her
• Reflect both the positive and the negative times with her

Communication Styles:

• Passive communication-eyes down, withholding talking to other person for days or giving them a silent treatment.
  • Considered emotional abuse if you are not stating you need to take a conflict time-out or keep communication lines open
• Aggressive communication-name calling, yelling, using physical intimidation is also considered emotional or verbal abuse
• Assertive communication or using "I" statements is the healthy way to communication
  • Example: When _______________ (name the behavior), I feel ______________(state your emotion) because _________________. When we have plans to spend time together and you change your mind, I feel disappointed because I've been looking forward to being you.
• Using "I" statements shows we are responsible for our own emotions and not blaming or criticizing.
• Non-verbal communication needs to be open body language, eye contact and facing person
• If the issue is hers and she wants feedback to possible solutions Use open questions that start with when, what, who, which, where or how
• Gain understanding and clarify the problem Use brainstorming to find solutions
• Evaluate the ideas from brainstorming
• She needs to pick a solution
• Get a commitment and set a time for evaluating the solution
• If the issue is yours-you can use the above steps

Book Recommendations:

Nonviolent Communication-A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. Parenting from the Inside Out by Dr. Daniel Siegel & Mary Hartzell, M. Ed.

If you liked this episode I invite you to subscribe on iTunes to receive the weekly updates. This podcast is also available on Stitcher, Google Play, YouTube and now iHeartRadio.

Website is www.LaunchingYourDaughter.com

Facebook page: www.Facebook.com/LaunchingYourDaughter/

Today's guest is Jill Castle, registered dietitian nutritionist, author, podcaster, speaker and mother of four teenagers. Jill works with families with babies up to young adults. She encourages parents to support and guide their teenagers in learning the life skill of cooking. Teen girls need this life skill to understand how nutrition impacts their learning, memory and moods and also gain confidence in sustaining themselves once they move out of the family home. Now here is todays episode.

In this episode you will learn:

• A statistic states only 26% of today's parents know how to cook
• Let teens experiment in the kitchen
  • they will burn food
  • they will create weird combinations
  • they will learn
  • and gain confidence
• Typically begin this skill by cooking or baking sweets
• Natural progression in learning skill
  • Baking-is a science and you follow recipes
  • Cooking-more flexible and more room for mistakes
  • Assembly of food-create salads, make own dressings, put together sandwiches
• Parents need to be supportive and there for their teenager daughter if they need guidance
• Keep communication open
• Maybe on weekends let teen be part of meal planning or preparing
• Girls may become concerned about gaining weight during this phase of life
• There is a healthy balance for each person and it is different for each person
• Need five cups of fruits/vegetables daily Structure eating vs skipping meals
• When teens skip meals they get hungrier later in day and can overeat
• Can reduce learning and retention when hungry
• Review where alcohol and sweets fit into diet, i.e. alcohol is a calorie source and diminishes the barrier to excess eating when under the influence

What you can do

• Simple food plans are okay
• Brainstorm families favorite meals
• Create meal calendar
• Have fun with cooking

Recommendations

Meal make over mom's- http://www.mealmakeovermoms.com/

Their podcast is called Cooking with the Moms

Watch cooking shows or look at cookbooks for inspiration and ideas

If you liked this episode I invite you to subscribe on iTunes to receive the weekly updates. This podcast is also available on Stitcher, Google Play, YouTube and now iHeartRadio. Website is www.LaunchingYourDaughter.com

Jill's Information:

Website: www.jillcastle.com

Podcast: The Nourished Child

Today's guest is Maya Benattar, licensed creative art therapist and board certified music therapist in New York city and Manhattan, NY. Maya talks about her work with women and how singing, music and mindfulness can calm worries and fears. We know music is important to most teenagers and can be a great way for parents to connect with them. Music can help us transcend from the stuckness to a place of feeling seen and connected.

In this episode you will learn:

• Maya works primarily with women who struggle with anxiety "
• Triumph over anxiety to understand it and move through it."
• Getting women out of their heads and "noticing" where their anxiety is and interrupting that cycle
• Disconnect between mind and body and relearning that connection through sound, sitting in uncomfortable for little bit and through creative ways

Techniques Used:

• Vocal psychotherapy-using voice, singing exercises
• Do not need to be a singer or have vocal training
• Use mindfulness around music that is meaningful to them Where do you feel it
• Connect to memories or associations Don't necessarily need relaxing or soothing music to reduce anxiety
• "Leaning into the music that works for you."
• Shares personal story of how music helped calm her
• Changing societal views regarding what types of music can sooth and relax

In Between Sessions

• If tapped into joyful/playful place-how can you access this before next session Brainstorm how person can continue this
• Uses index cards to record goals, words or phrases that was meaningful during session
• Helps with maintaining calm connected place between mind and body

Fears/Concerns

• Women more interested in creative approach
• Fear around being musical or old wounds regarding failed piano lessons or can't sing More about how it feels vs sounds
• Safe environment and with person who is grounded and calm
• Usually music already resonates with client

Benefits

• Parents pause and listen to a sound track with your teenager can give you insight into them Listening to music can increase relationship connection
• Be present with your teen (not on phone or other devices)-helps validate who they are
• Gain greater range of self-expression
• Sit with and be with uncomfortable feeling-shares Brene Brown's work of working with both joy and uncomfortable
• Give yourself permission to feel what you feel where you are and move through it vs avoid it.
• Nicole said, "Giving ourselves some grace to feel all the different emotions and move through it."
• Use of metaphors-being curious about anxiety
• Exploring your story so the old story doesn't have power over us.

If you liked this episode I invite you to subscribe on iTunes to receive the weekly updates. This podcast is also available on Stitcher, Google Play, YouTube and now iHeartRadio.

Maya's Information:

Website: www.mayabenattar.com

Free guided relaxation audio track: www.mayabenattar.com/guided-relaxation

Facebook: www.facebook.com/mayabenattarlcat

Twitter: www.twitter.com/mayabenattar

Book Recommendations: Brene Brown-Gift of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong

InSight Timer App-has meditations

Create a playlist of music for sleeping, work, when anxious or sad

Today's guest is Amy Pender owner of SRI Investing. Amy's passion for breaking down economic barriers for women and girls shines through this conversation. She encourages parents to make money a non-taboo topic. I remember my parents talking about saving, investing and being money conscious growing up, which has helped me as an adult. I hope this episodes encourages you to have more dialog about money with your daughter.

In this episode you will learn:

• SRI Investing is a team of financial advisors and they specialize in helping people invest in companies whose processes and products are not harming people or the planet
• Old myth- if you invest this way you give up return but 20 years research shows otherwise

Statistics:

Pink Tax: 42% of the time products marketed to women cost more than those marketed to men and boys

Tampon Tax: Feminine hygiene products-no male equivalent-are treated as "luxury tax" in most states

Earners or Gender Pay Gap-

• Woman earn $.79 for every $1.00 of what man earns-regardless of education or occupation.
• Takes three extra months to earn same as man in one year
• Mothers typically earn $.73 for every $1.00 of men (or $.06 less, which means extra 5 months of work to earn same amount.)
• 40% of U.S. household with children have mother who is sole or primary earner.
• Research shows once men become fathers they see a 6% increase in earnings and women see 4% decrease per child
• Closing this gap has slowed and at current rate will take over 100 years to close.

Good statistics:

Companies who have three or more women on board of directors the statistics show do:

84% better in return on sales

60% better return on capital and 4

6% better return on equity

What can you do to educate you daughter?

• Talk about how money works
• Parents openly discuss differences regarding spending/saving and finding ways to compromise
• Share belief systems-what were you taught as a child about money
• Teaching budgeting and money management skills
• Teach about credit and what it means
• American Association University of Women (AAUW) teaches negotiating skills to women/girls
• Empower our next generation to change the salary gap Salary does not equal your self-worth
• Advocate on behalf of daughters through legislation
• Educate son's on not penalizing females

If you liked this episode I invite you to subscribe on iTunes to receive the weekly updates. This podcast is also available on Stitcher, Google Play and now iHeartRadio.

Amy's Information:

www.SRIinvesting.com (There are two i's)

[email protected] (Best way to get a hold of her is through email)

Website and Book Recommendations:

www.aauw.org They have negotiating salary workshops

Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg

Meet with a financial advisor. SRI investing does coaching with families and couples.

Today's guest is Stacey Horn who is a personal development coach specializing in relationships, and a clinical hypnotist in Colorado. In this episode she discusses the power of introverts and how the different temperaments can affect relationships between parents and their teen daughters. In this episode you will learn:

• Stacey shares her personal experience of her relationship with her mom as a teen and how she is changing that with her daughter
• Ray W Lincoln's book "I'm a Keeper" was recommended to her years ago and she has incorporated his teachings into her professional work
• She uses Temperament Sorters by Ray W Lincoln and focuses on strengths
• How do you restore your batteries?
  • Staying in or going out with others
  • Takes introverts longer to process and respond *How do you take in information of the world?
• Use of five senses is "S"
• Or through sixth sense is "N" *How do you make decisions?
• Thoughts and analysis is "T"
• Or how do I feel or how others may feel is "F"
  • Hear differences in peoples use of language "I think" or "I feel" *Lifestyle preferences
• "J"-make decision and move on; Clear sense of time
• "P"-like to keep options open or until all information is in; Different awareness of time
• Every client completes a temperament key
• This helps tailor hypnosis treatment
• Four temperament categories
  • SP-someone in the moment
  • SJ-sensory and driven; and motivated by responsibility
  • NT-analytical and intuitive; techies; show little emotion but feel it deeply
  • NF-intuitive and feeling; healers, counselors, nurses; more of 6th sense-a knowing vs clearly defined
• Stacey is a NF (saw lot of gray area) and her mom was SJ (saw things as black/white)-struggled during teen years
• Wants to help stop the disconnect between mothers and daughters
• Benefits
• Short term work
• Work with individuals then may share results between mother and daughter in how to bridge differences
• Can refer clients to books to gather more information
• Shares personal example of her getting involved with substances as teen due to being highly sensitive. She sees similar substance use with her adult clients "using substances to self medicate that sensitivity."Having this knowledge may help teens prevent them from going through this.

If you liked this episode I invite you to subscribe on iTunes to receive the weekly updates. This helps raise the ranking of it, so others who may not have access to mental health services or support in their local community can find it.

This podcast is also available on Stitcher, Google Play and now iHeartRadio.

Stacey's Information: www.StaceyHorn.com

Does temperament and hypnosis work

Book Recommendations: Innerkinetics by Ray W Lincoln- for parents

I'm a Keeper

I'm Still a Keeper

www.raywlincoln.com

Today's guest is NaKaisha Tolbert-Banks, licensed clinical social worker and addiction counselor, certified laughter yoga leader and certified empowerment coach in energy leadership here in Indianapolis, IN. She works with teen girls, adults and families to develop, strengthen, and enhance positive relationships with self and others through the understanding and use of laughter. Now here is todays episode.

In this episode you will learn:

• Why laughter is used during sessions
• No she doesn't tell jokes
• Parents come in frustrated with their teen daughter's behavior She works with them in stopping and reflecting on events and behaviors and may begin to laugh at themselves for how they responded
• Begin to change perspectives (both parents and teen daughter)
• Embrace having "do-overs"-not about perfection in parenting or with being a teen girl
• Empowering families
• "When one person in your inner circle is suffering it affects the whole unit: same when person is feeling empowered"
• Working with millennials-parents teenage year experiences are different era than their daughter's now
• Social media has changed the landscape
• She shares how relationships are built and setting up a family bonding time
• Stay flexible during this developmental stage

Benefits:

• Laughter is beneficial-helps with good oxygen levels into the body
• Helps decrease stress-refocusing, shifts mind, "shakes the dust off"
• In time of stress need to find clarity
• Gets endorphins going
• Yes you can fun in therapy

NaKaisha's contact information:

www.DUOGiggles.weebly.com

Twitter @1stladygiggles

Facebook: DUOEmpowermentServices

Phone: 323-977-8570

Email: [email protected]

Other Recommendations: YouTube videos on Laughter Yoga Apps for phone: CALM or Headspace

At the time of this recording high schools and colleges are beginning again. This can be both an exciting and nervous time for both teen girls and their parents. In today's episode I want to explore creating rituals around your daughter preparing to graduate high school this year and going off to college next year or moving out of the family home. If she this is her first year at college I will be sharing some ideas to support her and you (the parents) in this change.

In this episode you will learn:

• There are various rituals all over the world that acknowledge, celebrate or reflect transitions in life. (Sometimes referred to as rites of passage.)
  • There are graduation ceremonies and open house parties for when your teenage daughter graduates high school
  • We have funeral services to celebrate and remember those we loved
  • We have rituals around the change in seasons
  • One area I notice that seems to need a little help is creating a ritual within the family system to help with the transition from high to college or into young adulthood.
  • This is a time for both your daughter and you where you maybe excited and nervous about the up coming changes
• You may also feel sadness and loss, which is normal because one chapter in life is closing and another one is opening.
• Sometimes the sadness gets over looked or it can come out as anger Transitions are about personal development
• Transitions involve grieving -of what you had, -of expectations that may not have occurred -of moving forward in what is to come

William Bridges in his book called Transitions states transitions involve an ending, a neutral zone and a new beginning. *

During the ending phase -

• Disengagement-"we find ourselves periodically being disengaged either willingly or unwillingly from the activities, the relationships, the settings, or the roles that been important to us."
• Disidentification-"In breaking the old connections to the world, the person loses ways of self-definition…most people in transition have the experience of not being quite sure who they are any more."
• Disenchanted-"But there is still the reality in that person's head-a picture of the "way things are," which ties the person to the old world with subtle strands of assumptions and expectations." For example: parents sometimes lie for fear of being imperfect, friends let you down, etc "Many significant transitions not only involve disenchantment, they begin with it."
• Disorientation-"One of the first and most serious casualties of disorientation is our sense of and plans for the future." He states this part "affects not only our sense of space but our sense of time as well."

Neutral Zone is a "temporary state of loss"

• Here you need to surrender-"the person must give in to the emptiness and stop struggling to escape it."
• Allow yourself to go inward. Bridges suggests setting aside alone time, writing your autobiography, writing about what you want in your life and think about what would be unlived if it was your last day. I suggest quiet time to my clients so the can continue to explore more of who they are in vs who they think they need to be

Making a beginning

• "The lesson in all such experience is that when we are ready to make a beginning, we will shortly find an opportunity. The transition process involved an inner realignment and a renewal of energy, both of which depend on immersion in the chaos of the neutral zone."
• "Genuine beginnings depend upon this kind of inner realignment rather than on external shifts, for when we are aligned with deep longings, we become powerfully motivated."

Rituals:

• Some ways to help with moving forward in the sadness and excitement is talking about it with one another.
• Share your memories of times that made you laugh, your hopes you have for your daughter, ask her what she is hoping for and what she will miss when she is done with high school or moves out.
• Create a plan around having some quiet family time to reminisce or share favorite family meals together
• Go out to her favorite restaurant or dessert place
• Watch family movies together- It can be quiet entertaining to watch those past moments and help create a deeper family connection.
• Ask her what she would like to do prior to moving out
• Remind and encourage your daughter to stay in contact with her current high school friends when she leaves for college. Some of my teen clients think they have to establish all new relationships once they leave for college and think they can't maintain their current friendships. Yes those relationships can change over time, but they do not need to end the friendships when they leave high school. Parents remember to keep having dates nights and spending time with other adult friends without your children
• This is the time of letting go. Letting go of who you used to be and embracing the new you as your daughter moves on in her life
• You have raised her, supported her, disagreed with her and loved her in the best ways you knew how. Now it is time for her to continue to branch out and spread her wings. "
• The ending of childhood is one part of the shift from life's' morning (or dependency) to life's noon (or independence). A second part of that shift involved establishing a separate identity, distinct from that of so-and-so child."

School holidays or breaks:

• Reflect and explore what is working and what isn't with her. Find out if she is needing or wanting anything different from you or her support system
• Continue to encourage and support her in her journey into young adulthood
• Actively listen to her-you do not need to fix or do anything as she shares her experiences unless she is asking for advice (I will have a future episode in being present in listening)
• Self care is important during transition
• Allow yourself to explore or be curious on the other side of the change
• There is an ending and a new beginning
• As a therapist I have had the privilege of witnessing some pretty awesome family moments regarding creating rituals that fits for that specific family. Some just need a little nudge to say it is ok to this and sharing your feelings about the changes can be healthy process. You continue to role model to your daughter yo too have feelings about this transition and supporting her in her journey.
• If you need more support I encourage you to seek counseling. If you are in the state of IN I offer both office and online or phone counseling http://LaunchingYourDaughter.com
• Book Recommendations: Transitions: Strategies for coping with the difficult, painful, and confusing times in your life by William Bridges

Welcome! Today's guest is Amanda Campbell, licensed mental health counselor and life coach in Indianapolis, IN. She works with creating connection with distance couples and creating balance for busy moms. Today we focus her work in helping busy moms create a more organized life for themselves and their families. I also wanted to let you know I needed to mark the episode as explicit due to one swear word in the title of what Amanda is offering at the end of the show. There is no other swearing or cussing, but I wanted to share that with you so you know it is not throughout the episode.

In this episode you will learn:

• Amanda explains the difference in counseling vs coaching services
• She works with busy moms who feel overwhelmed or stressed out
  • Whether mom works full time or stay at home with kids
  • Coaching can help with establishing goals, organization and positive perspective
• Amanda also offers working on goals of parenting and/or relationships
• She encourages family meetings (for more information on the importance of family meetings listen to Episode 2) and how the goals work for their family

Common Blocks:

• Mom's may have expectations they have to do it all
  • Children are in many activities Need to have perfect meal plans
  • Amanda helps moms discern what they want in their life and what works for them
  • Establishing goals is looking at "is it realistic for you life"

Benefits

• Learn what organization is for your family
• A system is created for your specific family needs
• How will it fit into your life Coaching packages
• Work two weeks on specific goals
• Organization is done around specific goals
• Doing a brain dump-write down specific tasks ,
• Break those down into smaller steps
• Helps keep things more manageable
• She uses Wunderlist and Evernote app
• Separate daily and weekly To-Dos
• Do you like paper/pencil, wall calendars or technology or combo. Use system(s) that what works for you.
• She does quiz to help understand where they struggle with time management
• Trial and error once you create a system. May need to be changed or modified.
• System needs to evolve through different stages in life
• May change due to season, i.e.summer, when school starts or holidays
• It is self-created-make it what you want
• It is stopping the comparison factor with your life has to look like someone else's
• This creates feeling overwhelmed and perceived standard of "being perfect"
• Amanda gives personal example of placing an unrealistic expectation on herself and her family regarding birthday parties

If you liked this episode I invite you to subscribe on iTunes to receive the weekly updates. This helps raise the ranking of it, so others who may not have access to mental health services or support in their local community can find it. This podcast is also available on Stitcher, Google Play and now iHeartRadio. You can also listen through Facebook at Launching Your Daughter page.

Amanda's Information: http://www.busymomslifecoach.com/ Sign up for her upcoming online coaching package: Becoming Super Woman: How to have it all without losing your S***

Book Recommendations: Brene Brown-Gift of Imperfection Cline & Fay-Parenting with Love and Logic

Welcome! Today's guest is Sharon Martin, licensed clinical social worker in San Jose, CA. She works with adolescents and adults in helping them embrace their imperfections as individuals and as a family.

In this episode you will learn:

• Sharon began her career working with teenagers
• She is a mom of three children
• In her work she pulls from her own personal teen years and the struggles she had socially, being sensitive person, and with perfectionism
• "Lost sense of who I was"
• Perfectionism can impact both teens and adults
  • Increase stress levels
  • If I'm not perfect, then it will be catastrophic
  • Attempting to people please and look for approval of who you are
• Teens need to separate, become individuals and mess up and learn from their mistakes
• Supporting parents is similar to how working with teens
  • Help parents in letting go
  • Explore how they as parents are separate from children
  • What do you imagine the the worst thing is going to happen and how realistic is it that it will happen
  • Inner exploration vs looking outside yourself for validation
• Parallel Processes
  • Teens-grappling with identity of who am I
  • Women-can have "lost of sense of self" as mom and rediscovering who they are
• Why they seek therapy:
  • To find out "Am I ok" for the teenager and for parents it is "will my child going to be ok"-giving them reassurance and hope
  • Educating being imperfect is enough
  • Change in brain development for this stage
  • We are all imperfect
  • Helpful for parents to model imperfections with children
  • Role model that making mistakes is normal
• Life is a journey not a destination
• Benefits of therapy:
  • Help parents and teens explore internal values
  • You will be able to handle anything life throws at you
• Teens imagine ideal life that won't turn out exactly like they imagine.
• Parts of it will be better than expected and parts of it worse than thought.
• Learn how to take healthy risks

If you liked this episode I invite you to subscribe on iTunes to receive the weekly updates. This podcast is also available on Stitcher, Google Play and now iHeartRadio. To sign up for the newsletter and receive updates go to: http://launchingyourdaughter.com

Sharon's Information:

http://sharonmartincounseling.com/

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/

Book Recommendations: Dr. Kirstin Neff's-Self-Compassion

Welcome! Today's guest is Mercedes Samudio a licensed clinical social worker turned parent coach. She is located in Huntington Beach, CA. Mercedes passion to help end parent shame and empowering families comes through clearly. In today's episode she shares her work with families in discovering their strengths, areas they are needing support and giving them tools to help navigate the tween and teen years. We also talk about perfectionism and how that impacts parenting and your teenager.

In this episode you will learn:

• Mercedes speaks to parents in discovering and unlocking their unique parenting powers
• She takes what the families know, explores what they need and teaches how to implement the tools she gives and what they learn on their own
• Tween and teen parenting-more exposed with technology which changes their level of development
• How to understand these development stages
• What your tween/teen should be developing
• • Normalize changes
  • Helps parents guide child in healthier ways
  • Teachs communication skills
• Trained in Nonviolent Parenting by Ruth Beaglehole
• • You as a parent help build up child development
  • Foundation is both are humans and learning to navigate this journey together
• We all want to be seen and heard
• Mercedes developed "Ending Parent Shame" programs due to parents feeling shamed by others
• She wants to create a culture when we don't treat parents that they or their children have to be perfect
• Help them learn being a parent or being a child is the journey
• Unlearning old family belief systems
• Learning healthy ways of connecting is foundation of family
• Ending the strive for perfection because it doesn't exist
• Common wants of parents:
• • Want kids to listen
  • Want others to see this beautiful child
  • Help model to children ok to have frustrations through connection
• Shame proofing Parents
• • Flaws, strengths and all is family, not the dysfunction
  • Stopping the comparison of Pinterest posts, Facebook posts, etc
  • Fantasy of perfection
  • Ending the comparisons to other parents or families
  • You don't know the behind-the-scenes for them to get to where they are at
• Recommendations:
• • Put down the parenting books
  • • Look at your children
    • Both their strengths and weaknesses
    • Books are good foundations, but real knowledge comes with who you interact with
    • Also building in when your teen fails or makes bad decisions creating resilience

If you liked this episode I invite you to subscribe on iTunes to receive the weekly updates. This podcast is also available on Stitcher and Google Play.

Website is http://launchingyourdaughter.com

I want to invite you to join my new FB group called Launching Your Daughter. Here you find not only the weekly episodes, but I share articles and blogs to help encourage and inform.

Mercedes's Information:

www.theparentingskill.com