"Why am I not happy?" 😳😞 has gone through my mind so many times over the last 12 years. I've had everything I've wanted. Everything I was supposed to want. And yet, it often felt like something was missing -- like life was meant to be more than this. Like I'd made some grand mistake.
There are two really scary questions that run through our head in times like that:
- Am I broken? 💔
- Or is life broken?
Although I entertained the first question, I refused to believe the second. Life is INCREDIBLE. Much more likely, I'd just not understood the rules properly. So I'd built something that didn't fit me, and then wondered why it chafed.
🤕
So I started to change my life. I committed to coaching and to Leader Rising. It hasn't been linear or without bumps, but it's always been in the right direction.
And now I'm in a space where life is fantastic.
😁😊
Not all the time, of course. But I feel as if I'm building the life I'd always wanted -- one where I get to LIVE.
I was and am (dare I say) happy.
But some time in 2021, I had a big idea. I was going to write a book. A book that would help lawyers everywhere get happier, so that they didn’t need to go down my deep rabbit hole to get there. 🐇
So that they could walk a quicker path.
And thus was born my dream of the Happy Lawyer book. 📖
As of the time of writing, I have completed 75 interviews of lawyers - happy lawyers, miserable lawyers, and lawyers in between. Some were in private practice in big firms, others in small firms, some were in-house, and a few had left law altogether.
I pulled out patterns from among the happy lawyers and miserable lawyers.
And I’ve taken these patterns, mixed them with my ~500 hours of coaching clients, as well as with my own life experience and the wisdom I’ve taken from many of the top personal improvement books, and I’ve created …. (I hope you’re doing a drumroll over there 🥁):
And (🎤💧) I think I have it figured out.
I think I know how happiness works.
Not for everyone mind you, but for lawyers. For people like us.
The model itself is made up of three main parts:
The CYCLE. Self-awareness to intentional action, and then back again.
The FOCI. These are the things on which you turn your focus during the Cycle. They are: Alignment, Self-Compassion, and Excellence.
The CONTAINER. This the foundation of the model, or the container where the transformation takes place. This is your Community(ies) and your Commitment.
This is not a "get happy quick" scheme. Instead it's based upon the idea that your life is built on a foundation, and the only way to lasting change is to take one step at a time to build it for yourself.
🙌🙌🙌
I’ll tell you two things that I believe from the bottom of my heart:
This model is top-notch, top-shelf, good shit.
This model is definitely NOT perfect and NOT finished. Although we’ve learned a lot, I know there’s a lot more to learn.
Let me be clear:
I WANT your thoughts on this model. I want to know what resonates and what doesn’t. Where you have questions, and where you think I’m off-base. I’m more interested in getting it right rather than being right.
One last thing - I may not be right on everything, but I can guarantee that there’s a reason behind why I put everything the way it is here. So give it a read/listen before passing judgement.
Let’s dive in.
Podcast
BUT FIRST, prefer to listen? We go into even greater depth in the 59th episode of the Leader Rising Podcast, available right here:
Lawyerly Caveats
This Happiness Model is NOT meant to be universal.
I think there are happy people who don’t actually follow this model.
This model was pulled from the people I’ve interviewed and they aren’t necessarily representative of everyone in the general population.
This advice is intended only for those to whom it is addressed and for the purpose that it was given and may not to be used by any other person or for any other reason. Further, this advice is based on the law and the legal field as per the time of drafting as well as the information provided in the interviews, of which correctness has been assumed (no independent investigation has been conducted beyond the information provided). 😂😂
SELF- AWARENESS
I want to start with self-awareness because:
pretty much all of my draft happiness models (I had about 4 or 5 before I landed on this one) started with self-awareness; and
because, in my coaching and life experience, all journeys towards happy start with self-awareness.
Self-awareness allows you to know when something is out of alignment — when you don’t want to do something because it doesn’t align with who you want to be, as opposed to just because you’re feeling a bit nervous at trying something new.
Finally, you need self-awareness in order to take intentional action and you also need self-awareness to reflect on what to learn from that intentional action and what to do different next time.
Intentional Action
If self-awareness is the steering wheel that let’s you choose where to drive your car, intentional action is the fuel that gets it moving. The importance of this part of the model cannot be overstated. Without action, you’re just stuck.
And without intentionality, you tend to follow the scripts that society has provided for you. Unless those scripts perfectly match your hints (hint: they rarely, rarely do), you’re not moving in the direction that’s right for you.
2. The FOCI
Alignment
This is where a lot of my learning was focused when I became a coach. What is your vision for your life? What are your values? What are your goals? What are your gifts?
These are incredibly important. When you live a life that doesn’t honour your values or use your gifts, those unhonoured values and unused gifts fester inside of you.
Self-Compassion
The less self-compassionate you are, the more you rely on everything going well to be happy. As soon as you make a mistake, then your inner critic will rip you apart and ride you, all in service to you (of course) so you never make that mistake again.
So, if you’re a mere mortal and you make mistakes and things aren’t perfect some of the time, you’d do well to start cultivating internal acceptance (and it can also stop you from chasing it internally, which often will bring you out of alignment).
Also in this bucket, I include self-care. Taking care of your mind, your health (and your wealth).
Excellence
In many ways, this is the most controversial of the factors. So if you scrolled right now to here, I wouldn’t blame you. Are there people who don’t focus on excellence who aren’t happy? Sure. But I didn’t really meet them…
Here’s why this is here:
Growth. By focusing on becoming better, you grow and you increase your self-efficacy and confidence.
Process Over Progress. Part When you focus on the process of becoming excellent (and not the goals of what it will look like), it causes you to be more in the present and content, instead of constantly striving towards the finish line (only to
Schedule Autonomy. Pretty much every happy lawyer talked about the control they had over their schedule and how much that contributed to their life. Well, for a lot of us, we can only take so much schedule autonomy, the rest needs to be given to us (by clients, bosses, etc). BUT it turns out that the better you are, the more you get to set your own schedule.
Responsibility. Happy lawyers often talked about how much they liked having a seat at the table, and a say in how things work out. This is a privilege you earn by being excellent.
3. The Container
Community
This is your family, your friends, your colleagues, your neighbours. The people you see in your life.
In one of my earlier drafts of the model, I tried to narrow it down to just three items. When I did that, community was one of only three factors left standing (alongside self-awareness and action).
I asked every lawyer what was going well for them in life. Pretty much every lawyer (happy or not) talked about the importance of having good people in their life. For those who were happy, this made them happier. For those who weren’t happy, this still improved their lives and made things worth it.
But that’s not all. You ever heard the expression:
You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. —Jim Rohn
Well, in a way it’s true. When you hang around people who complain and judge others, it effects you. When you hang around people who are content and positive, it effects you too. So by spending a bit more time with people who are the right influence on you, and a bit less time with people who are a negative influence, it will really make a difference.
But this power is neither good nor bad, it just simply is.
Leverage this incredible power for good.
Commitment
Last, but not least, comes commitment. In many ways, choosing authenticity and choosing your happiness is one of the most counterculture things you can do. It’s often not easy and it’s certainly not the path of least resistance.
What does this factor look like in practice? It involves really committing to it to help carry you through the rough spots. That could involve paying a coach, joining a community, getting an accountability partner, making a promise to yourself and then following up on regular intervals to ensure you’re making progress.
Here is one of my draft iterations of the model, where I plot out all the factors and patterns I saw.
Final Thoughts
So, what does this mean for you? What are your strengths? Where are your opportunities to level up?
I think the most controversial piece may be the inclusion of “Excellence”. Do you agree that that’s controversial? Do you agree that it should be in there? Is there something else you’d change?
This represents a lot of work, analysis, and insight, but ultimately what matters for you is what you’ll take away and what you’ll change. Don’t worry about doing it all at once. Starting small works just fine. The important part is to just get started.
OH WAIT - one last thing.
Remember that first question I wondered about (whether I'm broken 💔)? You'll see I eventually found the answer.
No, I am NOT broken. 💙💚
Instead, what I thought was a faultline was really one of my greatest strengths - being able to see through the nonsense for the beauty beyond.
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