Leader Rising

I have a friend who’s a lawyer and he loves buying himself nice things. Fancy meals, nice clothes, the whole nine yards.

Growing up, his family didn’t have a lot of money.

For him, treating himself was a sign that he’d made it.

People seem to differ a little bit on how and how much it happens, but (I think) it’s generally accepted that what happens to you early in life shapes your views later. And there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with treating yourself, especially in his circumstances.

So this would be fine if the story ended here.

But it didn’t end there - he wasn’t happy being a lawyer and wanted to transition into a new career, but because he was spending as much as he was earning, he had no savings, no buffer.

He had no way to transition and he was very down on himself.

But Internal Family Systems, which we talked about last week and I’ve been really getting into, is non-pathologizing.

It states that no matter who you are, no matter what your behaviors are - there is nothing wrong with you.

Read that again.

There’s nothing wrong with you.

Even addiction, depression and anxiety - these parts of us - even when they lead to an outcome you don’t want - are in fact still looking out for us. They may be mistaken on what that takes, but they still want the best for us.

From that perspective, you need to ask the question - how does the behavior serve you?

For my friend, the behaviour serves him by making him feel like he made it. He looks around, sees luxury and thinks that those humble beginnings are far behind him.

And being aware of your behaviors and motivations is the first step.

How aware are you of the things you’re doing in your life? How do the things you do serve you?

Join us this week as we discuss this and more.

I was bullied as a kid. Terribly.

It was a formative moment for me. And I got over it. 😎

Or, at least, I thought I did. 

😳

But it turns out I had only exiled the part of myself that experienced weakness.

This revelation hit me when I listened to an episode of the Tim Ferris Show - the guest was Richard Schwartz, the creator of Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS).

The premise is that we are made up of different parts that all want different things - but ultimately, these parts all want the best for us, and from us, even when they are perceived as negative.

When I was going through coach training, they asked us, “what is a part of yourself that you can’t be with?”

It took me a long time to answer this. I was good with myself, my trajectory, I was generally cool with every part of myself.

Then I thought about weakness. And being insecure.

I had done my absolute best to avoid ever having to feel that. I chased a prestigious job. 💰 I went to the gym. 💪 I watched what I ate. 🥦 So I wouldn’t be weak. So I would never worry about my spot in society’s hierarchy.

These are all good things that I did for myself, but they buried the true culprit: my relationship with weakness.

Look, this is my first foray into IFS and it’s just starting, so there’s still a ton for me to learn - both about IFS, and about how it applies to my life. I can guarantee - this won’t be the last time you’ll hear me talk about it.

As of right now, Schwartz has provided me with a framework of how to deal with all of the parts of myself. How to categorize and address each one. How to get them to work together.

What is something you’ve tried to build your life around so that you could avoid feeling it? If you listen to this podcast episode - what’s your thorn?

Join us this week as we discuss this and more.

During the summer of my first year of law school, I went backpacking in Europe with a good buddy. One afternoon we had just gotten to Rome and we didn’t have a place to stay.

Of course, this was a little while ago, neither of us had a cell phone, so we were walking from hostel to hostel in search of a room.

I remember being very focused.

And I’m pretty sure my buddy remembers me being very grumpy.

At some point, after we had checked out a couple places, my buddy said, “Let’s stop and eat something,” and I said, “No. Let’s just get there.” He persisted, and I eventually agreed.

We stopped and ate. It was tasty, I was laughing. And joking. And having the great time I had come to Rome for.

It was funny just how much it affected my outlook.

In the book Transcend, Scott Barry Kaufman talks about food insecurity, which tends to produce certain negative behaviours. Not just in humans, but across birds, insects, and other animals.

A hungry creature prioritizes food, and deprioritizes other things. And it gets focused (read: grumpy and hangry) in the process. This isn’t a bug - it’s a feature. They’re more likely to get food and survive.

I just want to highlight this: when they’re hungry, their perspective on life changes. Everything is interpreted through that lens.

But look, this isn’t about food. I have found that the analogy matches as we move to other aspects of life.

The point comes back to what we were talking about last week - the hull and the sail of the boat - the deficiency needs and the growth needs.

One of the deficiency needs I struggled with last week was self-esteem. I was deficient in that need. It is a fundamental need, just like hunger.

And it starts to change your perspective.

If you were to patch the hull of your ship first, some of the things you think are important now might not be important with this new perspective.

What hole below the waterline have you been doing your best to ignore?

Join us this week as we discuss this and more.

I remember feeling guilty about not being happy.

I was earning decent money. I had a good work-life balance.

I just wasn’t that happy.

And what made it worse is that I then felt bad about not being happy with my life.

I was focusing on the very pinnacle of the hierarchy of needs. I had safety, security, money, a steady job and other people have it so much worse.

Who am I to not be satisfied with what I have?

I finished this book Transcend by Scott Barry Kaufman. It’s a very interesting read, but what really jumped out at me was that he took Mazlow’s hierarchy of needs and reimagined it.

As he does so, he does away with the pyramid. He says that has us thinking about it like a video game - tackle the first thing, beat it, forget about it. Tackle the next thing, beat it, forget about it.

But that’s not how life works. We’re dealing with all of them at the same time.

He posits that it’s more like a sailboat. A sailboat is split into two groups - the hull and the sail. 💨🌊

The hull is made up of our deficiency needs - safety, connection, and self esteem.

The sail is made up of our growth needs - love, exploration and purpose.

If you don’t have any of those deficiency needs, you’re going to be spending your time just trying to keep your head above water.

If you have your deficiency needs taken care of, that’s great. But you’re still not going to be moving anywhere.

You need the sail up, you need the wind.

While I was reading this, I realized my issue was a deficiency issue - it was dealing with self esteem.

And in particular, self-esteem as a function of self-compassion (or a lack thereof).

If I treated others the way I treat myself, I would run out of friends.

Join us this week as we discuss this and more.