Leading with Queer Integrity

Here’s what my coaching acronym for THINK means in the context of leadership:

T – Thoughtfulness

Cultivate a mindful and intentional approach to how you think and respond, recognizing the emotional undercurrents that influence decisions.

H – Harmony

Balance intellect with emotional awareness to make decisions that reflect your values and serve the greater good. Stay open to learning, being wrong, and fostering collaboration and mutual understanding.

I – Inquiry

Approach challenges and choices with curiosity. Ask meaningful questions to uncover deeper insights and expand your perspective.

N – Neutrality

Practice equanimity and resilience in the face of conflict or emotional charge. Resist black-and-white thinking and respond with balance rather than impulse or assumption.

K – Knowledge

Apply wisdom derived from diverse experiences and perspectives, understanding that true reasoning incorporates emotional intelligence as well as intellectual clarity. Know where your beliefs come from and be flexible and willing to evolve them with discernment.

Thanks for reading The Queer Integrity Dispatch! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

When you master the THINK principle, you unlock the clarity and intellectual flexibility required for ethical leadership.

You lead not by being right, but by being open-hearted and responsible, aware of how your thoughts shape your voice, guide your actions, and influence your ability to connect meaningfully with others.

The way you THINK is the way you LEAD.

The quality of your thinking determines the quality of your leadership. But “quality” doesn’t mean intelligence or expertise alone. Let’s be honest: there are plenty of highly educated, highly intelligent people who lead with arrogance, ego, and disregard because they lack emotional intelligence or choose not to care about it.

Here’s what I believe:

The true quality of a leader’s thinking is shaped by how open-minded they are… how resilient they are in the face of discomfort… and how flexible and adaptive they are when facing change.

In other words, it’s not just about critical thinking; it’s about vertical thinking—the capacity for growth, transformation, and layered insight. This kind of thinking helps us lead with humanity.

INQUIRY—Think About Your Thinking

If you haven’t already watched today’s video, go do that now.

* Based on the definition of quality thinking above, how would you rate the quality of your thinking on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being the lowest)?

* Why did you give it that rating?

* What would bring your score down by one point?

* What would bring your score up by one point? What would you be thinking, doing, or feeling differently?

* What would motivate you to make that change? In other words, what do you want to feel because of that +1 shift?

* Think of a recent situation where you felt emotionally activated or reactive. What did you do—and what would a more thoughtful, values-aligned response have looked like?

* Where in your leadership (e.g., meetings, decision-making, boundary-setting, difficult conversations) do you most often react rather than respond?

* How might your queerness—your lived experience, sensitivity to difference, or relationship to power—help you lead with greater awareness, nuance, and intentionality in that area?

A Final Question from the Margins

After completing this exercise, review your responses. Then consider:

What part of your queerness do you wish to acknowledge or celebrate that shapes how you cultivate ethical clarity through emotional intelligence and reason?

In the next lesson, we’ll examine your unique form or expression for influential and impactful communication—my fourth leadership coaching principle, ‘Your VOICE.’

Want to explore these principles with more clarity, depth, and guidance? Learn more about working with me one-on-one and request a conversation here: https://www.darrenstehle.com/coaching

Your values are not just words—they’re the compass that guides every decision, action, and connection.

When your beliefs are deeply understood and consistently expressed, you show up with unwavering clarity, confidence, and integrity.

KNOW is an acronym for Key Notions of Worth. Here’s what they mean in the context of queer integrity.

K – Key

Identify the core values and beliefs that are essential to who you are—the ones that must be honoured if you’re to live and lead with integrity.

N – Notions

Bring conscious awareness to the principles and perceptions you hold about yourself, others, and the world—especially those that operate below the surface.

O – Of

Recognize that values without action are just ideas. The word ‘of’ reminds us that values live in relation to action, experience, and purpose.

W – Worth

Define what truly matters—to you and for the greater good. Worth is not just what you believe in; it’s what you’re willing to stand up for, consistently and courageously.

Your personal code of conduct is your ethical GPS directing how you lead, communicate, and connect.

When you KNOW what you stand for, self-doubt fades, and the impact of your leadership grows exponentially.

Thanks for reading The Queer Integrity Dispatch! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

So…What Do You Stand For?

There’s a saying I love: “If you don’t know what you stand for, you won’t have a leg to stand on.”

And one of the oldest teachings from the Tao Te Ching reminds us:

“The journey of a thousand miles begins beneath your feet.”

Both sayings point to the same truth: to take meaningful steps forward, you first need to know where you stand.

How does knowing where you stand affect your leadership?

To lead with queer integrity, you must know your values, what is ethical to you, what your values are, and how you show up in the world as someone who embodies what they stand for—truthfully, consistently, and with courage. Using another word: integrity.

Knowing where you stand on important issues is like knowing your exact location on a map—only then can you take a meaningful step in the direction of your values.

STANDPOINT—What Do You Stand For?

If you haven’t already watched today’s video, go do that now.

* In one to three sentences, describe what you stand for—what you believe to be true, meaningful, and right.

* Why does this matter so deeply to you? What makes it meaningful in your life or leadership?

* How do you know what you believe to be true?

* Consider: What shaped this belief—experience, environment, or education?

* Then ask, “How do I know if this is true?” Embracing uncertainty can deepen your clarity and strengthen your integrity.

* What do you do consistently that reflects your commitment to this belief or value?

* How can your actions inspire others to follow you, not because they agree, but because they trust you?

A Final Question from the Margins

After completing this exercise, review your responses. Then consider:

What part of your queerness do you want to recognize as something that nourishes your sense of worth, anchors your values, and reminds you who you are?

Tomorrow, you’ll discover the third principle of queer integrity, The Way You THINK.

Want to explore these principles with more clarity, depth, and guidance? Learn more about working with me one-on-one and request a conversation here: https://www.darrenstehle.com/coaching

FEEL is my leadership coaching principle for Freedom, Energy, Enthusiasm, and Love.

Each of these words speak to the nuance of well-being and how that affects your leadership.

F – Freedom

Create inner and outer environments that support emotional ease and personal sovereignty—so you’re not reacting to life but responding with intention.

E – Energy

Fuel your body and mind with practices that support vitality, stamina, and clear-headedness—the essentials for showing up fully each day.

E – Enthusiasm

Anchor into the emotional states that uplift and motivate you. Enthusiasm isn’t a bonus—it’s a leadership advantage rooted in emotional self-mastery.

L – Love

Lead from a place of care—for yourself, your mission, and others. Love is what keeps your vision human, your actions ethical, and your leadership resilient.

If you don’t FEEL well, you can’t LEAD well—and you won’t have the capacity to CARE enough to make a difference.

Well-being isn’t optional. It’s the ground everything else stands on.

Thanks for reading The Queer Integrity Dispatch! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Cultivating Self-Mastery Through CARE

As a queer leader, your emotional well-being is foundational to your leadership.

Here’s what I believe:

You can’t care for others if you don’t first care about yourself. You can’t make a meaningful, influential, or transformative difference in the world if you are ignoring your physical and emotional health and well-being.

The FEEL principle emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and self-care.

And by using my CARE framework—Caring, Attention, Recognition, Enthusiasm—you can assess and enhance your emotional state to lead with integrity.

PRACTICE—What you’re being asked to do.

If you haven’t already watched today’s video, go do that now. Then, reflect on each aspect of the CARE framework below. Answer the questions honestly, considering your current experiences and feelings. Document your responses to track your growth throughout this program.

C – Caring

Tending to your physical, mental, and emotional health.

* How do you prioritize your physical health, nutrition, and rest?

* What practices do you have in place for your mental and emotional well-being?

* What small change can you implement today to enhance your self-care routine?

A – Attention

Being consciously aware of your thoughts, emotions, and energy levels.

* What thoughts or emotions frequently occupy your mind?

* How do these internal states influence your behaviour and interactions?

* What strategies can you employ to maintain focus and emotional balance?

R – Recognition

Acknowledging your own worth and seeing the humanity in others.

* How do you perceive your own value and contributions?

* In what ways do you recognize and appreciate the strengths of others?

* How does recognizing shared humanity impact your leadership approach?

E – Enthusiasm

Connecting your energy and emotions to your environment and actions.

* What activities or environments energize you?

* How do you maintain motivation during challenging times?

* What steps can you take to cultivate enthusiasm in your daily life?

A Final Question from the Margins

After completing this exercise, review your responses. Then consider:

What part of your queerness do you want to honour—as something that nourishes your well-being, shapes how you feel, and reminds you of your truth? And how does that shape how you lead?

What better way to practice the FEEL principle than to take rest once you’ve completed today’s lesson. Tomorrow, you will learn about the second principle of queer integrity, ‘What You KNOW.’

Before we begin our journey together, I want to invite you to consider something that often gets overlooked in leadership spaces:

Self-honesty.

This is not to suggest that you need to fix or critique yourself, rather, I invite you to witness where you are right now as impartially and honestly as possible.

Think of this as taking a picture—a snapshot of your current leadership experience. Not a glam shot, but an honest reflection of your inner world: your energy, clarity, voice, values, vision, and leadership ‘quality.’ Because at the end of this program, you’ll take another picture.

That’s when the transformation will be more visible—not just in what you know, but in how you feel and express yourself, and in how you feel about the clarity and direction of your leadership.

The best way to assess your progress is to know where you started.

You are an explorer of your own domain, so get comfortable, get curious, suspend self-criticism, and allow yourself to have fun throughout the process.

Thanks for reading The Queer Integrity Dispatch! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Watch Today’s Video

I provide extra detail and guidance on how to get the most out of today’s self-reflection questions.

Take a snapshot of your personal landscape.

I can’t tell you what you need to do, but I can guide you to consider your own pathway to lead with greater clarity, conviction, openness, and integrity resulting in more influence and impact for those you support.

There’s no single formula for leadership—but there is a path—a human-hearted one rooted in six interwoven principles that I use in my coaching practice to support queer leaders in their personal and leadership evolution.

When these principles align, your leadership becomes not only effective — but courageous, inspiring, and unmistakably yours.

Six Questions to Assess How You Lead with Integrity.

Answer these questions in a notebook, a Google Doc, or a journaling app. What matters is that you answer for you, not for me or anyone else.

This is not a test. There are no right answers. This is about seeing yourself with honesty and compassion so you can grow from a place of truth—not performance or perfection.

This is where your transformation begins. Let yourself be seen—even if it’s just by you.

FEEL

You can’t lead well if you don’t feel well.

* How are you really doing—emotionally, mentally, and physically—and how is that affecting how you show up as a leader?

KNOW

Your values and beliefs are your compass. You need to know what you stand for.

* What values do you rely on when you’re unsure how to respond, act, or decide? Are those values immediately clear—or more like a feeling you can’t quite name?

THINK

Ethical clarity is cultivated through both emotional intelligence and reason.

* When you’re facing tough decisions or conflicting demands, how do you make sense of what’s ethical, right, or worth your time and energy?

VOICE

Your unique expression is how you inspire others and share your truth for clear communication.

* Where do you feel most heard, and where do you still hold back? What keeps your voice from being fully expressed and understood?

DREAM

Without a compelling vision and direction, your leadership loses momentum.

* What’s your mission or vision that pulls you forward? What social change or transformation do you most want to experience in the world?

LEAD

True leadership is the natural integration of all these parts into visible, impactful action.

* When you picture yourself leading with clarity, confidence, and integrity, what feels like it’s missing right now—and what feels aligned and powerful?

Real Leaders Ask for Guidance and Support

I’m passionate about this program and how fully committing to answering the questions with curiosity and vulnerability will reward you with deep insights into how you—and what you can do with those learnings.

With any learning experience, if something I said wasn’t clear, or if you feel stuck answering a question, ask for help right away. Drop me a note in the comments or DM me if it’s too personal. Clarity and alignment are within your reach—all you need to do is ask.

Up next in this series on Leading with Queer Integrity: How your leadership suffers or thrives in relation to how you well you FEEL.

Want to explore these principles with more clarity, depth, and guidance? Learn more about working with me one-on-one and request a conversation here: https://www.darrenstehle.com/coaching

An invitation to participate in a free ‘end-of-year’ 8-day coaching program: Empower Your Leadership with Queer Integrity.

This program (which I will publish here on my Substack) asks you to show up every day for just over a week to watch a short video to describe the process and then answer some self-reflection questions.

Yes, I know, that’s a big commitment—but it’s intentional. An intensive period of focused attention creates a behavioural and emotional disruption that leads to meaningful change in a very short period of time.

I’ve done these kinds of intensives many times myself. Some days you don’t feel like doing the work, and that’s exactly when you should and why this process works. Concentrated attention keeps you in the mindset of learning, reflecting, and evolving. Think back to the focus you maintained before an exam or the way you poured yourself into a final essay for school or university—and who you became afterward.

That’s what a short, concentrated program does: it expands your clarity and strengthens your capacities.

This program will challenge you to think, feel, and reconnect with what matters most: who you are, how you lead, and how to show up with integrity as you create change in the world. I’ve created this unique program by weaving together queer identity, personal responsibility, and human-hearted leadership in a way that supports the difference you want to make.

This work is not about the empty buzzwords of “influence” and “impact.” It’s about cultivating the inner clarity and conviction that makes your influence real—grounded in values, guided by integrity, and expressed through the way you show up. All that combined translates into the potential for constructive and positive impact.

I’ll be available to support you as you work through the program.

If you have questions, struggles, or moments of uncertainty, write me a comment or DM me for support.

If you partake fully, you will see a genuine shift by the end of the eight days—in your focus, leadership, sense of direction, and connection to what matters most.

I hope you decide to take part, be curious, and enjoy the journey. I’m looking forward to seeing the changes that unfold for you. The first lesson drops in a couple of days on Friday, December 12.

If you want to work through these ideas in real time, subscribe to take part in comments and chat. Limiting interaction to subscribers helps keep this space respectful and centred on thoughtful leadership. And by the way, my Substack is completely free.

Thanks for reading The Queer Integrity Dispatch! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

I’ve been thinking about the tension between stillness and disruption…

In today’s video, I talk about those rare moments when life feels like the near-perfect reflection of what’s above perfectly still water—versus the far more common days when everything feels muddled, confused, or upset.

I reference the photograph I took of the Lachine Canal in Montréal this summer (above) because of how calm, still, and transparent the water is. That kind of clarity is what I’m always aiming for—equanimity, peace of mind, the ability to really see what’s happening and respond in a meaningful, thoughtful way using the emotions and feelings I want to bring to solving a problem. But right now, that’s not where I am.

I’ve been feeling off my game and uncertain about where to go next.

The Tao Te Ching reminds us that,

A way can be a guide, but not a fixed path;names can be given. but not permanent labels.

The opening two lines of the Tao speak to the intersection between morality and ethics—not right/wrong binaries, but the way we try to make sense of what’s happening in the world, and the way ethical leaders try to show up with personal responsibility for the collective good.

Certainty and clarity feel like rare occurences these days. I’m noticing this lack in myself, and I’m noticing it in others—anger, frustration, anxiety, and shutting down are the norm.

I have so much to say that I don’t know what to say.

Instead of creating, I’m second-guessing my ideas, my unfinished articles, my book on queer integrity that stalled. I wondered if I was trying to build the whole building instead of starting with one floor and moving from there. Even the way I write has felt like an obstacle—speech-to-text that doesn’t feel right, typing that creates gibberish, spell-check underlines that ripple across the water and distort the reflection of what I’m trying to say.

I end up fixating on the obstacle instead of the clarity.

Thanks for reading The Queer Integrity Dispatch! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

And then there’s how I show up on video.

A friend said I can seem polished, prepared, put-together—great lighting, great sound—but where’s the real Darren?

The truth is I’ve struggled with anger and rage for most of my life. It’s probably why I got into coaching and why I turn to the Tao Te Ching for some sense of self-mastery. When the orange menace was reelected in November 2024, I was scared and furious. I’ve been watching the unfairness, polarization, injustice, inhumanity, and disrespect intensify, and it’s been overwhelming. I admire people who show up as advocates and activists without fear, but I also think we need vulnerability and a way forward.

Rage for the sake of rage is just shouting or virtue signalling trying to prove we’re on the “right” side of justice.

A way can be a guide but not a fixed path.

That means a just way can’t be an ideology or dogma.

And that’s what I’m reacting against—everything that people are doing or saying that’s inflexible, inhumane, and devoid of compassion or care. I find myself needing to step back so that I can get grounded, see to the depths, and then take next steps with a clear view forward.

Sometimes we need to be vague before we can get specific.

Sometimes we need to stir the pot before it can settle.

Sometimes saying less lets us understand more.

There doesn’t always have to be a neat and tidy conclusion or solution...

If what I’ve said speaks to where you are—if you’re struggling to find clarity and you’re stuck on the obstacles that stop you in your tracks—reach out. Message me. Let’s have a conversation and figure out how you can get to that place where the water is still enough that you can see your next steps, and create the way that can be your guide, but not a fixed path.

We live in a world where it seems we’re all expected to create something for output, where our productivity is what’s valued and measured.

However, I believe that our efforts shouldn’t lead to burnout, overwhelm, or frustration.

We are not machines, even though so much of our work culture still treats us like we’re part of a factory floor rooted in the Industrial Revolution. We all have 24 hours in a day, but we also all have different energy patterns, different emotional states, and different environments that affect how we show up. Noise, distractions, and the complexity of what’s happening in the world all play a role. That’s why I want to ditch the word productivity and leave it to industry.

For us as human beings, effectiveness is a much more humane way of approaching our work (and lives).

Efficiency is still tied to productivity and output.

If you choose effectiveness over production, your focus shifts to your emotional state, energy, environments, and especially enthusiasm.

When you feel enthusiastic, you’re engaged—you’re not forcing yourself to do or accomplish anything. Instead of working under pressure from external forces, you’re doing and the being at the same time—you’re in the present moment. When you work to be effectiveness instead of trying to produce, you can see more clearly when things are getting out of control. You can ask yourself whether you’re working from enthusiasm or just trying to create a product.

In a state of enthusiasm, your efforts will feel easier—almost natural—even when things are challenging.

Effectiveness becomes a kind of self-care.

If anything in this resonates, tell me what made you stop and think or what you might want to practice differently.

And if you want to talk about moving from focusing on production to feeling more effective and enthusiastic as a leader, send me a message and we’ll set a time to meet for a conversation.

Thanks for reading The Queer Integrity Dispatch! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

In this video, I reflect on leadership and self-mastery for queer change-makers, especially during what I call a poly-crisis—facing many simultaneous challenges that can feel overwhelming.

I explore the tension between wanting to create meaningful change and the limits of what I or any of us can realistically manage at one time. Drawing on Taoist philosophy and my own experiences, I emphasize the importance of inner stillness, focus, and community as the foundation for effective leadership. I share practical insights on how I prioritize, manage my energy, and seek support, highlighting that leadership isn’t about doing everything alone, but about leveraging collective wisdom while staying grounded in my values and purpose.

Great leaders do not stand alone. They seek wisdom, mentorship, and community support to strengthen themselves and the work they do.

Key points discussed in the video

* Leading change is inherently challenging during a poly-crisis; no one can solve everything at once. Trying to manage too many things simultaneously leaves us scattered and frustrated.

* Social media can be both informative and distracting. While it sometimes surfaces hidden truths, brevity is the antithesis of complexity and creates discord.

* Drawing from The Wen Tzu, still water is used as a mirror. When my inner waters are calm, I can reflect clearly and act with clarity.

* Taking care of myself is my first priority. I can’t lead well if I’m agitated or overwhelmed inside. I share moments from my life—ADHD, stress, and dyslexia—to show how internal disruption affects my ability to lead.

* Meaningful leadership comes from focusing on what matters most and pulling support from community.

* Leadership is not a solo pursuit. The best leaders look to mentors, peers, and colleagues for guidance and insight. Collective wisdom and support create clarity, resilience, and effective outcomes.

For us to make a meaningful difference, we must focus on what we can do best, ask for support, and give support in return.

Invitation for Self-Reflection

* What’s disrupting your inner stillness right now?

* Where in your leadership are you trying to focus on too many things at once?

* What one thing could you prioritize today that will make the greatest positive difference for yourself and others?

Leave a comment or message me: I’d love to hear what’s challenging you as a queer leader and support you in creating clarity and direction to be the change you wan to create in the world.

Thanks for reading The Queer Integrity Dispatch! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

“To know that you do not know is highestTo not know but think you know is flawed”

In today’s video, I explore what moral relativism really means and how it can help us approach morality and ethics with an open and discerning mind.

I begin with a simple but challenging question: How do you know what’s right—and how do you know what’s wrong? This leads into a deeper reflection on whether moral truths are absolute or relative, and how curiosity, rather than certainty, can expand our understanding of right and wrong.

Morality vs. Ethics

I distinguish between the two: morality is how we lead ourselves—our personal compass of right and wrong; ethics is how we act and cooperate within community—how our personal values and beliefs translate into our relationships and choices in society.

The Limits of Absolute Morality

When we cling to absolute moral truth, we close our minds to context, complexity, and compassion.

Even simple moral statements like “do not kill” reveal nuance when we consider intention, circumstance, or necessity. To believe we hold the one moral truth is to stop questioning and to stop growing.

What Moral Relativism Really Means

Moral relativism doesn’t mean “anything goes.”

It means acknowledging that moral and ethical systems are human-made ideas; they are products of history, culture, and experience. It’s a perspective that invites humility, empathy, and self-examination, reminding us that our sense of right and wrong is shaped by where and how we live.

Four Practices of Open-Minded Morality

In the video, I share four ways moral relativism can deepen ethical awareness and leadership:

* Suspend judgment and moral superiority. Examine your own values before condemning others.

* Cultivate empathy and intercultural understanding. Seek to understand difference before defending your position.

* Engage in moral reflection. Regularly question what you believe and why.

* Foster dialogue and plurality. Replace debate with curiosity; value conversation over conviction.

Leading with Queer Integrity

For queer leaders and change-makers, moral relativism is not moral compromise, it’s moral maturity.

Leading with queer integrity means embracing multiplicity, seeing truth as lived and contextual, and refusing to replicate the moral rigidity that once excluded us. It’s the courage to stand for what feels right while staying open to what might still be learned.

“When we proclaim there is an absolute right or wrong morally, we agree to stop questioning the reasoning behind our own assumptions.”

Morality and ethics are living, evolving constructs—not absolute laws.

When we treat them as such, we invite deeper wisdom, greater empathy, and a more human approach to leadership and coexistence.

Thanks for reading The Queer Integrity Dispatch! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

How do you lead ethically, authentically, and with conviction—even when your integrity as a queer person is challenged?

As a queer change-maker, your wisdom, leadership, and guidance are exactly what someone needs right now.

If you feel like you’re holding yourself back, let’s have a conversation about how you can create meaningful change and advance equity for our common humanity.

What does it really mean to accommodate others, not as a service or an act of compliance, but as a practice of respect and human dignity?

In this video, I reflect on a recent CBC article about Quebec’s move to ban gender-inclusive language in government communications, and why such policies reveal more about power and fear than about efficiency.

From the way we spell “colour” or “honour” to how we acknowledge someone’s pronouns, the words we choose express our values. Leadership, too, is expressed in language; in how we make space for others to be themselves. Real leaders don’t dictate; they listen, adapt, and embody the humility to let others feel seen and respected.

“When you ban accommodation, people push back — because they see you don’t care.”

For queer people, this issue isn’t abstract — it’s deeply personal.

We know what it means to be excluded, to have our language, pronouns, or very identities dismissed as inconvenient.

When governments ban inclusive language, they’re not just limiting grammar; they’re signalling whose humanity is worth recognizing. Queer leadership understands this viscerally because we’ve had to cultivate self-awareness, strength, and self-acceptance in the face of exclusion. That’s why real leadership means choosing compassion and accommodation, not control.

“Real, human-hearted leadership cares — and queer leaders often understand that care through lived experience.”

A Question of Integrity

Where are you not being accommodating as a leader and how might that be affecting the people who look to you for example, guidance, and recognition?

Let me know in the comments, or send me a message in my subscriber-only chat.

Thanks for reading The Queer Integrity Dispatch! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.