Have you done something heroic? Have you put yourself in harms way to help a stranger? Yes? Then you're a dumbass! Stop being such a show-off.

You may love your pet and we probably feel the same way about ours. But let's get this straight, we don't really like or even want to know about your dog, cat, iguana or squirrel monkey. We're weary pet owners and we are not afraid to say it. Woof.

Everyone loves surprise parties, right? Uh, that would be no, especially when it comes to our 2 curmudgeonly Legends. Don't even bother trying with Dave and Johnny, they'll just be sarcastic and ruin it.

How much is too much? When it comes to adult beverages Johnny and Dave agree - there is no such thing. When it comes to holding on to old worldly possessions, they couldn't disagree more.

When do we, as males of our species, become creepy, dirty old men? Yes we may indeed be older, but our minds are still in that proverbial youthful gutter.

Ah, the fun and camaraderie of the great American football tailgate; complete with heavy doses of alcohol, tobacco and obnoxious fans. And we love it.

We're the kind of guys who just come out and say it. No euphemisms for us. But some people are a bit more careful, especially about the words you use for stuff ... "down there." Discuss.

Ah, the joys of becoming an older man and the intimate details of a "special" medical exam. Keep your fingers ... uncrossed.

Our 2 Legends' "favorite" local chain restaurant has a new menu. But that doesn't prevent them from recycling the same old complaints.

Let's face it, our 2 Legends are essentially misanthropes. ($10 Word Alert) And just when they think they can trust people again, they get screwed.