Do you ever feel like there’s an imbalance in your relationship… like you’re not able (or allowed) to show up in the way you want to? In today’s episode, Sarah deconstruct how the Mr. or Mrs. Perfect role can gaslight you into settling for less than you deserve.

At the time of this recording, Sarah’s about to launch a new format for her workshop that is going to make it so much more accessible!  Check it out at here website: here!

The guest today is Renee. 

Word of the day: Mutuality is defined as “having the same relationship to

each other; directed and received by each toward the other; reciprocal”.  When it comes to gaslighting, the LACK of mutuality is what we look for, and, almost always, how it is combined with the gaslighter being the victim/you being the one at fault for any lack of mutuality.  Renee’s story is a great example of how this presents itself in an intimate partnership… 

Story Time: Sarah and Renee discuss the conflicting messages that caused so much confusion, especially surrounding Renee’s partner NOT treating her as a partner:

Deconstruction Zone:

• Today Sarah highlighted one of the roles she teaches about – “Mr/Mrs. Perfect”.  Renee’s story highlights almost every checkmark Sarah teaches about this persona.  Mr./Mrs. Perfect can be hard to spot, but here are the ways Sarah connected Renee’s ex to this role:
• He used “love-bombing” (apartment; wouldn’t “allow” Renee to help; told her to focus on herself) to appear as if all he wanted to do was support her.
• He exhibited the “soft-spoken yet passive aggressive” behavior – 1) Using DARVO to make it seem like he was always the victim – she was suffocating him. 2) Whenever Renee would object to something, confront him on something, or ask for something he didn’t want to do/give he would respond with: he was the one who had doubts about the relationship or he would “punish” by withdrawing/silent treatment.
• He used what we call “therapy talk” to confuse Renee: 1) Had no responsibility in her happiness – she had to work on that for herself. 2) They had “childhood patterns” that they had to break (that’s why they had to break up).
• He seemed to jump between Mr. Perfect and The Bully, with his controlling, withholding, guilt tripping superior attitude – but he did it in a way that always painted him either as the Victim or in a good light (by using DARVO to put the blame on Renee).
• When you have this combo – especially when they are very successful and/or well liked in the community, it creates a deep sense of confusion: why does it seem like I am the only one experiencing them this way?  “There must be something wrong with me” is what we often end up thinking, and then believing.

Set your Alarm: When it comes to identifying Mr./Mrs. Perfect, the quickest way to unmask them is to set your alarm to the tune of “Mutuality”, because there almost never is any.  Oh sure, they’ll do lots of things that appear to be good, but when you take stock, it’s typically only the “good” things they want to do. 

Friends – mutuality is a WHOLE THING.  You are not asking for, nor expecting too much when you desire it – you get to require it of the people you are in relationship with.

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Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!