Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life

Episode 29 : Part 4 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

https://allisonfallon.com/finding-yourself/https://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself

- Prepare to begin again with a clean slate. Develop your own moral conduct and practice sticking to it. Start by overcoming bad habits.

- Organize your world. You may find that having all your other affairs in order will help expedite the process to grabbing a firm hold on your identity.

"There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self."- Aldous Huxley

- Conquering Your WorldImmerse yourself in solitude. Give yourself some time and space to get away from the expectations, the conversations, the noise, the media, and the pressure. Take some time each day to go for a long walk and think.

- Seek out a passion. When you believe in something or see beauty in something, you should do it no matter what anyone else thinks. 

"I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of."- Michel de Montaigne

- Find a mentor. Though ultimately soul-searching can only be done by you and it's only you that determines what you need, having a mentor will be an incredible resource when you hit those unavoidable bumps in the road. 

- Sort out your career path. If you're meandering all over the place looking for the right "fit", chances are that you're not happy inside. You could be using the job-changing as an excuse for not fully realizing your true potential. Spend some time free-associating. Think about what you like and don't like; think beyond those things to other ideas that simply pop into your mind while you're associating. Keep a record of these things. 

- Bear in mind, however, that work may not be where your "calling" is. If that's the case, you'll need to work out a work-life balance that lets you pursue your "true self" more outside of the workplace, even if this means more hours and less income. 

"The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary study of man."- Cicero

- Changing Your PerspectiveLet go of the need to be loved by all. Accept that some people will think poorly of you no matter what you do. It's important to forget about what everyone else thinks because you cannot please everyone.

This thought is aptly summed up by Raymond Hull: "He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away."

Episode 29 : Part 2 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

https://allisonfallon.com/finding-yourself/https://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself

What we really need is to find ourselves.

Practical steps to HOW:1. Reconciling and working yourself outCreate your own life timeline. Write down all of your major goals that you feel you have achieved and want to achieve. In turn, write down the events in your life that have already happened and that have shaped or affected you.

Spend a little time clarifying the past in your timeline. A timeline is an incredibly objective method for marking down past occurrences in your life that you consider to be major. You can look at them as formation blocks and as changing experiences along your timeline without imbuing them with too much emotion (as would occur within a diary account). 

This isn't an exercise in wallowing. It's about clarification and identification of issues. These issues might be keeping you from reaching your present potential and letting your true self blossom.

"Like an old gold-panning prospector, you must resign yourself to digging up a lot of sand from which you will later patiently wash out a few minute particles of gold ore."- Dorothy Bryant

Distinguish your thoughts from the thoughts of others. For most people (it's more common than you may think) life is pretty easy to go through while on autopilot; we practically get handed a road map for how reality "works." 

"One must know oneself. If this does not serve to discover truth, it at least serves as a rule of life, and there is nothing better."- Blaise Pascal

Start relying on yourself. Confidence and reliance are at the heart of finding yourself. If you don't have a solid sense of self-worth, you'll listen to what others have to say all the time and to be swayed by their insistence on what is appropriate. Learn to believe in yourself and trust your own feelings. Then, you'll come up with a structure to base your new sense of self on. Remember, be patient with yourself and confident in your abilities. Everything will come with time.

"To find yourself, think for yourself." -Socrates

Start trusting your own judgment and decision-making processes, mistakes and all. We all make mistakes, but through mistakes we find ourselves growing, learning, and reaching our real selves.Start taking responsibility for budgeting, household matters, and planning about the future.

Episode 29 : Part 2 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

https://allisonfallon.com/finding-yourself/

- Finding yourself is the process of discovering who you are and why you matter apart from outside achievements, relationships, and even in the face of great challenges or in life’s shifting environments. 

"The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life."- Muhammad Ali

- When you have a strong sense of self, you are able to adapt well to changes, to soothe yourself in times of sadness or discomfort, stay true to your convictions (even when there is outside pressure), avoid codependent or manipulative relationships, set boundaries with pushy people in your life, leave behind a constant need for approval, drop the guilt, receive criticism, act authentically, lead gracefully, and take responsibility for your life—no matter how it turns out.

"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one."- James A. Froude

- One hard truth about developing a strong sense of self is that so much of this important development takes place in childhood. If you have faced some kind of trauma in your childhood, or if your parents didn’t help you establish a strong sense of self—you might still have a lot of work to do when it comes to finding yourself.

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau

- Know and own your story.

When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending —Brene Brown

-What has happened to me in the past does not define me. Do not try to walk this path alone. It’s too treacherous. If you aren’t comfortable finding a therapist, ask a few trusted friends or family members to walk with you.

"Know thyself?’ If I knew myself, I’d run away."- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

- I read all the time. I’m always trying to figure out more about myself, how I operate and why it matters. This has been a lifeline for me as I walk this journey of finding myself. Figuring out the driving motivations behind why you act the way you do not only helps you own your story, it also helps you interact and communicate in a positive way with others.

What seems like the worst thing that could possibly happen to you might turn out to be the very best thing. Because sometime it takes losing ourselves to find ourselves. And when we resist these lessons, we resist the very beauty and joy life is trying to offer us.

"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." - Carl Jung

Episode 29: Part 1 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

https://allisonfallon.com/finding-yourself/

- talk about movies and the lead needing to find themselves, especially after a major challenge/failure.

- You hear people talk about "finding yourself" all the time and yet most of us don’t really know what it means or why it matters. In fact, I think the term gets sort of watered down. We think of "finding yourself" as this cursory thing we do, on the side, if we have time, after we get the more important work of life done.

We forget what an incredible danger it is to live life without knowing who you are.

"A man’s growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A person without a strong sense of identity tends to suffer from:

Not to mention, it can be really difficult to make a decision—even a small one. When we don’t know who we are, we end up spending more time wondering about what other people want from us than about what we want and need for ourselves. Which, of course, can be incredibly anxiety-producing.

"Know yourself. Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers

Lack of Personal Identity and Depression.There is a psychologist and author named Albert Bandura who has done a considerable amount of research around something he calls self-efficacy, which could be translated: a strong sense of self. He makes a specific connection between a weak sense of personal significance and depression.

Bandura says, "A weak sense of personal-efficacy operates on the cognitive source of depression in several ways."

First, it impacts how we interpret positive and negative experiences. When someone with a strong sense of self experiences something negative in their life—anywhere from a bad grade on a test to a death in the family or a personal illness

"All the wonders you seek are within yourself." -Thomas Browne

Second, it impacts the degree of control we believe we have moving forward. When the events of life are less-than-ideal, a person with a strong sense of self puts the locus of control inside himself for moving forward. 

"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it."- Jean de La Fontaine

Third, it influences the story we tell ourselves about personal accomplishments and failures. Bandura’s research actually showed that people with a strong sense-efficacy felt slightly better about themselves socially and emotionally than their peers. 

"Sometimes we must lose ourselves to find ourselves." -Sonny Long

How do you process successes and failures as they happen to you?What does this tell you about how much control you have moving forward?What is the story you tell yourself about your personal accomplishments or failures?

When it comes to finding yourself, depression and making big decisions, it shouldn’t surprise us that the mind and body are profoundly and miraculously connected.

Episode 28 - Loving Yourself: How can you love others without it?

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat/2013/01/self-esteem-vs-self-love.htmlhttps://coachcampus.com/coach-portfolios/power-tools/silvia-richter-kaupp-self-love-vs-self-esteem/https://christieinge.com/self-love-quotes/

Self-esteem

- Most people determine their worth based upon other-esteem. They seek approval and validation from others, and their opinion of themselves isn’t very high unless they get it. It’s basically what you think of yourself. The biggest obstacle to self-esteem is self-criticism.

Self-Acceptance

- Unlike self-esteem which varies, self-acceptance is steady and unconditional. You accept yourself despite your flaws, failures, and limitations. You’re more self-forgiving and let go of self-judgment. 

Self-acceptance works wonders. Once you start accepting yourself, you gradually stop worrying what others think and become more spontaneous and natural. Self-acceptance is what allows you to be authentic. You can finally relax, and allow more of the inner, real you to be seen. 

Self-Love

Whereas self-esteem is an evaluation and acceptance is an attitude, love combines both feeling and action. Contrary to what many believe, self-love is healthy. 

You can’t hate yourself happy. You can’t criticize yourself thin. You can’t shame yourself worthy. Real change begins with self-love and self-care. ~ Jessica Ortner

Most people think too little of themselves, not too much, and often falling in love is merely a compensation for inner emptiness, loneliness, and shame. No wonder most relationships fail (including those who stay together). 

People often think that self-love and self-esteem are one and the same. But that’s not true. While they do support each other and are built from similar factors, they are different aspect of the way you view and treat yourself. Having one can help you build the other.

Just as it is not possible to love any person we meet on the spot, it is not possible to love ourselves as of now. But love can grow over time, including self-love. If we want to love ourselves, we should start behaving like someone who we can love!

In order to develop the consciousness state of self-love a third ‘self’ is required: self-compassion. Self-compassion is described as a mindful, accepting and friendly attitude towards oneself. Self-compassion is comprised of three elements: self-kindness, accepting our humanness and interdependence, mindfulness.

Self-kindness entails being gentle and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer or feel inadequate rather than ignoring our pain or minimizing ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassion also involves recognizing our essential interdependence and that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of our shared human experience.

Self-compassion is not equivalent with self-pity, self-indulgence and egoism. When feeling self-pity we become so immersed in our own problems that we forget that others have similar problems. In contrast, with the perspective of self- compassion we see the related experiences we share with others and widen our view.

Be the love you never received. ~ Rune Lazuli

Compassion for others results from empathy. The same with self-compassion: it arises from self-empathy. Thus, self-empathy is a prerequisite for self-compassion and self-compassion a prerequisite for self-love. The good news is: self-empathy is a skill which can be learned and developed!

In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. We don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about ourselves. With self- compassion the good feelings don’t result from our successes but from the fact that we take care of ourselves – especially when things don’t run smoothly. With self-compassion we behave like a friend would do it: She

Episode 27 - Part 1: Setting achievable goals: Not just bravado and motivation talk

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/guide_to_goals.htm

Benefits of setting goals:http://thepeakperformancecenter.com/development-series/skill-builder/personal- effectiveness/goal-setting/benefits-of-goal-setting/

Provides Direction- First and foremost, goals give you a direction and destination. They give you something to aim for and direct your efforts towards. They help guide you to where you ultimately want to be in life.

- Clearer Focus on what is importantYour goals give you a clear focus on what you believe to be important in life. Therefore, it is essential when setting your personal goals, you first think about what is important to you and what you really want to accomplish in life. 

- Clarity in Decision MakingIf you know where you want to go, you are in a better position to makes decision that may affect your direction in life.

- Provides MotivationGoals give you hope and something to aspire to. In itself, having a meaningful goal to think about and envision reaching can be very motivating. As you start towards your long-term goals, you are able to accomplish some short-term goals. 

- Gives you a sense of purpose in lifePeople need a sense of purpose in their lives, and goals can give you that sense of purpose. Instead of just going through the motions and existing from day to day, your goals give you reasons to get up in the morning, a reason act, and a reason to live the life you desired.

"Our goals can only be reached through a vehicle of a plan, in which we must fervently believe, and upon which we must vigorously act. There is no other route to success." — Pablo Picasso

- Develop specific goalsIf goals are vague and unclear, they are not reachable. However, you also don't want to become discouraged by a goal that is too specific. Sometimes this may be based upon personality.

"All successful people have a goal. No one can get anywhere unless he knows where he wants to go and what he wants to be or do. " —Norman Vincent Peale

1) Long-term goals. Identify specific long-term goals. These are usually similar to the dream goal you imagined but they may be more specific. 

2) Short-term goals.Once you have identified the long-term goals you can develop short-term goals to help you achieve each long-term goal. 

3) Practice goals and competition goals. In sports and other activities involving competition, you want to develop goals for practice that will help you to meet your competition goals.

"A goal properly set is halfway reached." —Zig Ziglar

- Set target datesFor us to be able to progress in the achievement of goals, it is best to have target dates set for each goal. 

- Develop strategies for achieving goalsOnce you have developed the goals, you need to create a specific, concrete plan for achieving those goals. 

"When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals; adjust the action steps" - Confucius

- Develop support network for achieving goalsHaving a support network increases the likelihood of a group achieving goals.However, if your support network is critical and negative, you may find that sharing reduces motivation and success.

- Develop plan for goal evaluationFinally, you need a method to help you evaluate the goals you have set. The plan may keep track of progress, or it may need to determine if the strategies actually work towards accomplishing the goals, or it may need to examine what factors block the goal achievement. 

"Success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal or ideal." —Earl Nightingale

Episode 27 - Part 1: Setting achievable goals: Not just bravado and motivation talk

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/guide_to_goals.htm

"We tend to set goals that are unreasonable, perfectionistic, and unachievable."

- Often people state "I'm just lazy" or "I'm unmotivated" when they are unsuccessful. Yet, most of the time, the problem isn't laziness, but lack of understanding about how to achieve goals. For instance, I hear people all the time "I'm going to lose 10 pounds in the next two weeks" or "I'm going to exercise an hour a day" or "I'm going to limit myself to 1200 calories a day" or some combination of these statements in attempts to manage weight. However, even though they might achieve these goals over the short-term, any long-term change is unlikely. They will revert to old habits with resignation sighing, "I'm unmotivated. I'll never be able to lose weight."

"A Goal without a plan is just a wish" - Antoine de Saint-Exuperys

GOAL SETTING PRINCIPLESDream goalFirst allow yourself to fully imagine what you would like to achieve. When you imagine your goal, try to imagine it as fully as possible. Allow yourself to picture what it would be like when you achieve it. What does it look like? What are the differences in your life? How will you feel? What will others see? In fact, write down what you imagine. 

"People with goals succeed because they know where they're going" - Earl Nightingale

- Realistic but challenging. However, even though this is your "dream" it needs to be within reason. For instance, it may be reasonable to lose weight and to feel healthier, but is it reasonable to "look like a supermodel?" Unless you already have the genetic makeup for it, you are setting yourself up for failure. 

"The victory of success is half won when one gains the habit of setting and achieving goals" - Og Mandino

2) Performance goals rather than outcome goals. The most achievable goals are personal performance goals rather than outcome-oriented goals. A goal of winning a competition, for instance, is an outcome goal. One problem with an outcome-oriented goal is that we have less control over outcome than we do over performance.

In the work setting, an outcome-oriented goal may be a goal of obtaining a promotion or increased salary whereas a performance-oriented goal may focus on specific activities to improve the work environment or productivity. The interesting thing about this type of goal is a person may be more likely to achieve the desired outcome as well.

"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing" - Walt Disney

Episode 24: Jealousy and Envy - Looks and sounds the same, but not the same

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/24/jealousy-envy_n_5186248.html

Are you craving attention from a person whose focus is on someone else? Do you desire attributes that are possessed by another? When you experience jealousy or envy, you have measured your sense of your self against your image of another person and arrived at a conclusion that was motivated by the biological signal of the affect of shame.

"Never underestimate the power of jealousy and the power of envy to destroy; never underestimate that" - Oliver Stone

 

And so envy is a two-person situation whereas jealousy is a three-person situation. Envy is a reaction to lacking something.

Both jealousy and envy involve comparisons and contrasts. Comparison suggests similarity or equivalence, whereas contrast focuses on differences. At times you may compare yourself with another, but most often you will be focused upon contrasts based on negative feelings. 

"Travel and tell no one. Live a true love story and tell no one. Live happily and tell no one. People ruin beautiful things" - Khalil Gibran

If you ask people to describe a situation in which they felt jealous, they are as likely to describe an experience of envy (e.g., "I wished I had my friend's good looks") as of jealousy (e.g., "my girlfriend danced with an attractive guy"). Naturally, this creates a sense that jealousy and envy are very similar—even though they are actually quite different.

The second problem is that envy and jealousy often travel together. This means that when you are feeling jealous, you are often feeling envious as well.And yet envy and jealousy are not the same emotions. 

"You can be the moon and still be jealous of the stars." - Gary Allan

One definition of the difference is that envy happens when you wish you had something that someone else has, while jealousy is fear that something you have is being taken away by someone else.

What happens if we welcome the envy and jealousy as just messengers from our emotional system? Messengers trying to bring something important to our attention.

And how does that feel inside? Always you can ask the same question, and feel, and see what answer comes. You’re just telling yourself the truth.

"Success is liking yourself, liking what you do and liking how you do it" - Maya Angelou

Jealousy seems to be heavily rooted in self-esteem.

Changing your perception of yourself can help lessen feelings of jealousy.This is the idea that there are many ways to define yourself — for instance, you can be a father, a professor and a soccer player, all at once — but you’re not always going to be working all of these aspects of yourself at one time.

Envy is an emotional pain, and oftentimes emotional pain translates into physical pain. It’s so painful to be inferior to someone else, that you can’t tolerate it. The goal of the envious person is to reduce the pain, and they will do everything that will help them reduce the pain

Envy and competitiveness seem to be linked.Competitiveness seems to be highly related to envy, though it’s still not known which causes the other. “It can be that competitive people are more successful because of their envy, which drives them to succeed, or it can be that because they’re envious, they are considered to be competitive,” Cohen-Charash says.

"A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms." - Koshin Ogui

Episode 23 - Part 2 - Jealousy : Smothering love to death

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

"More Technology, but we have less communication. We have become long on quantity but short on quality. These are times of fast foods, but slow digestion; tall man, but short character;steep profits, but shallow relationships. It is time when there is much in the window but nothing in the room." - The dalai Lama

The inability to tolerate negative emotions, especially sadness and loneliness, is common with irrational jealousy. Frequently, though, due to fear of experiencing the unpleasant emotions, individuals will become stuck in the grief especially the anger stage of grief. Anger is a self-protective emotion that is often easier for people than the overwhelming sadness.

"An idle mind is the devil's playground" - Proverb

HOW DO YOU STOP IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY?

Step 1. Stop jealous behaviors.- Review and monitor your behaviors to pick up any excessive jealousy.- what you need to consider is that the most destructive thing to your relationship is your jealous behaviors. These can be addressed immediately even if you haven't changed the underlying causes of the jealousy.

Therefore, the first step is to identify the jealous behaviors. Make a list of the behaviors in which you engage that create problems in your relationship. If possible, talk to your significant other and find out what bothers him or her.

"More than jealousy or possessiveness, pettiness kills love" - Marty Rubin

Step 2. Challenge Irrational Thoughts.

Underlying the jealous emotions and behavior are the irrational thoughts. A fixed desire is any kind of belief that demands a certain outcome for the person to be happy. A jealous person may have a belief such as "This person must love me or I can't be happy." This type of belief is a demand that potentially leads to thoughts such as "I must make this person love me" or "I must make sure he/she doesn't leave me." These thoughts then will lead to attempts to control the other person or to other jealous behaviors such as suspiciousness and questioning.

"Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening." - Maya Angelou

Step 3. Stop Jealous Self-TalkRefuse to engage in the jealous self-talk.

Whenever you engage in the jealous self-talk, internally tell yourself to "shut up." You may need to do this repeatedly, but you want to do whatever is necessary to not listen to yourself on this topic.

If you worked through the above exercise involving identifying the irrational self-talk about the jealousy, you have probably identified some statements that occur frequently. Sometimes there may not be a clear statement, but instead, you may have images. Frequently, jealous people will have images of their loved one with another person.

"The jealous are possessed by a mad devil and a dull spirit at the same time" - johann kaspar lavater

Step 4. Improve Self-EsteemRemember that irrational jealousy is not about your spouse but is about yourself. Use the presence of jealous feelings to remind yourself that you need to focus on improving your self-esteem. Although improving self-esteem is another entire topic to itself, generally, you need to give yourself positive self-statements and engage in behaviors that make you feel good about yourself.

"Being jealous of a beautiful woman is not going to make you more beautiful" - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Episode 23 - Part 1 - Jealousy : Smothering love to death

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. CohenFrom the Free Music ArchiveReleased under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/your_jealousy2.htm

Jealousy is a complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from fear of abandonment to rage and humiliation. Jealousy strikes both men and women and is most typically aroused when a person perceives a threat to a valued relationship from a third party. The threat may be real or perceived. It is not limited to romantic relationships but also can arise among siblings competing for parental attention or in friendships.

Jealous - intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness, hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage, vigilant in guarding a possession

Although jealousy is a painful emotional experience, evolutionary psychologists regard it not as an emotion to be suppressed but as one to heed—it is a signal, a wake-up call, that a valued relationship is in danger and steps need to be taken to regain the affection of one's mate or friend. In this regard, jealousy is a necessary emotion because it preserves social bonds. It motivates people to engage in behaviors that maintain an important relationship.

"Jealousy would be far less torturous if we understood that love is a passion entirely unrelated to our merits" - Paul Eldridge

jealousy—fear of losing a lover, lack of trust, anger at real or imagined attention to others, the need to control a loved one. While jealousy can sometimes provoke positivity and a realization of taking things for granted, it's all about the extent of it as we're more inclined to associate jealousy with negative tactics, from vigilance to violence.

The jealous spouse often desperately wants to stop the behavior but finds that he can't control the thoughts which makes him feel miserable. He believes that if he can just prove his suspicions one way or another, he will feel better. The unfortunate fallacy in this thinking, is that trust can never be proven; it can only be disproved. The definition of trust is the belief that something is true. Therefore, without evidence to the contrary, if we want a satisfying relationship, we have to choose to trust the person we love.

"The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torn to themselves" - William Penn

One of the most difficult things for human beings, in general, is not knowing something with 100% certainty. We are often afraid to trust because we are fearful of disappointment and hurt. Yet, these attempts to protect ourselves may actually be the means with which we destroy that which we are trying to preserve. In other words, a woman may eventually destroy her marriage because she is too fearful to take the chance of trusting that her husband is faithful. As a result, she causes the loss and pain that she was trying to prevent.

A fear of vulnerability is the inability to let our guard down, to let another person know us completely. This fear usually derives from a fear of rejection due to the belief that if we let someone else truly know us, we will ultimately be rejected. Again, the fallacy in this belief, is that if we don't allow our spouse to know us, if we don't allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we are preventing the development of emotional intimacy which is essential to any relationship.

"Jealousy is the fear of comparison" - Max Frisch

Emotional intimacy is the most important type of intimacy in a relationship. It is required for the relationship to fully mature. Without it, all we have is the initial surface attraction to the other person which cannot be maintained indefinitely. However, when we find emotional intimacy with another person, we discover the most intensely fulfilling experience that exists. And that is, the full acceptance of our self by another person.

The more you are aware of your behaviors and other's behavior that may maintain the beliefs, then you will be able