Life Back On Track

Hi, This is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track. Welcome to the latest episode.

In this one I want to talk to you about a device that you have at your disposal, which can be a huge benefit to yourself if you're willing to use it, and if you're willing to listen to it and that thing is your gut.

Now, the ancient Greeks used to refer to the gut as the second brain, and the reason they did that is because it also communicates to you, your thoughts. Have you ever had a sense about something and you call it a 'gut feeling'? The reason you do this is because you get the feeling from the gut.

They've done various scientific studies about this now, and they found that the gut is actually a method of receiving information as to whether something is worth pursuing or not. Now I know for myself if I look back on my life, there were times where I had a gut feeling about something where something didn't feel right. I sensed that something wasn't complete or kosher, and I ignored that and went ahead. In the end, it turned out that my gut was right.

So one of the things I do nowadays is if my gut tells me something, or if my wife says to me, "I don't have a good feeling about this" I listen and it invariably turns out that my gut is correct. Now, I learned more about this by reading a book called 'Blink' By a chap by the name of Malcolm Gladwell. Now Malcolm Gladwell wrote this book about this gut feeling and one of the stories that he tells and he tells a few stories in detail.

One of them is about this woman who was an expert on ancient Greek sculptures and that sort of thing. A museum had recently purchased a statue, which was told to them that it was authentic and genuine, and they had had numerous tests done on it and which seemed to confirm that it was authentic. They called this woman in to have a look at it because she was one of the preeminent people who this was her specialty.

This lady took one look at it and within an instant knew that it was a fake and told these people that it was fake. They, of course, were insistent that they had done all the tests and that it was legitimate. She assured them that No, it was fake, and regardless of what tests they wanted to show, she trusted her gut instinct and she went with it

They did more extensive testing, and in the end, it turned out this thing was fake and they paid quite a substantial sum of money for the statue. So there will be times in your life where you will be faced with a situation. You will be faced with an interaction with a person or an opportunity, and your gut will tell you something. There will be a little voice at the back of your head that will say to you, something is not congruent here. Something's not making sense. Something doesn't seem authentic. I don't think you should do it. What I would encourage you to do is to listen to that voice.

That voice is one of those things that can make a big difference in your life. There will be times where you will feel a need to do something because it will please someone, or it's expected of you. If your gut tells you not to, find a way to get out of that situation. In the past, whenever I was faced with a partner or an argument or a situation or an opportunity where I had that gut feeling and I chose to ignore it, as best as I can recall every time my gut was correct.

I do look back on some of those now and they cost me substantially, both financially and mentally and emotionally, where I didn't listen to that gut so I would encourage you, and this is only going to be a very short podcast because basically the entire podcast could have been like 30 seconds long. All I needed to do was say, If you have a gut feeling about something, don't do it. Listen to your gut.

Now, of course, you can dig deeper into that and find out what it is now. Of course, that takes a little more awareness, a little more ability to be able to dig into it, and be honest with yourself about yourself and the other people involved. Sometimes that's a difficult one, is being that really honest with yourself.

I would encourage you to do at least listen to your gut. If you want, feel free to explore deeper. Ask yourself some questions as to where that would be coming from. "What is it about this situation that I'm not comfortable with?" "What is it about this person that is causing me unease?" Ask yourself some questions like that, because that will enable you to become even more aware of it down the track.

So that was today's episode, nice and short. Very brief. I try to keep them brief, not as brief as this one. Usually, however, it was very simple, this one.

Anyway, have a good one. I'm glad you're listening in. I'm slowly building up listeners around the world, which is really cool. I do have provisions in the notes for the show where you can click a link and you can send me a little audio message where you can give me some feedback. You can ask me a question. Give me some sort of response just to know that you're out there and you're listening. That would be really cool. Anyway, that's it for today.

Look after yourselves. Have a great one. And remember, here's to a good life

You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

Thanks for listening.You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

You can also check out our website by clicking HERE

Thanks for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, This is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track. Welcome to the latest episode.

In this one, I want to do a little bit of an exploration and a defence. You see, there are people in our midst, people who don't have a voice, because they yet haven't learned to speak, and I want to speak up for those people that can't speak for themselves, and those people are two year olds.

They have been accused of being terrible. The phrase "terrible twos" gets bandied around a lot, and I want to stand up for these kids on their behalf and explain to the people that don't understand what the "terrible twos" is.

This episode is not going to be super long because it's not a massive exploration or explanation. When a child is born, they have a view of the world that's very limited. Obviously, when they look around, they see these big people that seem to do all of these things. They produce food and warmth and clothing and all of these wonderful things that make our lives a little bit more comfortable, and we love these beings because they provide these things.

Then, as we get a little bit older, we start to notice "Hey, I've got this body that moves when I tell it to move". "I've got these thoughts that happen and I can control them". "I have these emotions that I can generate". So what happens is these little people at the age of two become aware of their own existence, their own abilities and what they do as any of us do.

When we get into a situation, we want to explore it. We want to understand it, so they start pushing boundaries. They start exploring, they get super curious. They're into everything, and if you've had two year olds or currently have two year olds or your kids are about to turn two, you will certainly know what I'm talking about. They get very curious, and they like to know about everything, and they get into everything.

Anyway, when children push boundaries and children will continue to push boundaries once they get past the twos. But this is the first and most volatile exploration of it because it's so new and so exciting. They go fully gung-ho and we as adults, we can be a little exasperated with this because we might be tired because of work. We might have our own frustrations, our own challenges and then a little child is pushing these boundaries constantly can be a little much.

I want you to know, though, as a parent who's been through this and having nephews, nieces that are still young, I get to experience this. Still, the core of the difference, of course, now is I understand it a lot better. The challenge you have as a parent is, you can make a massive impact at this stage in their life. You can set them up for a better life and make your life a lot easier. See, when they're pushing the boundaries, they need to know a few things. They need to know that this big person is solid, they're secure, they're safe. So if you're able to stay calm and not lose your cool, a child will feel a lot safer around you.

They pick up on that stuff, these kids, so if you can keep your cool, even though you might want to lose it, if you can keep your cool, they're going to be better off. They're going to feel safer around you also with your boundaries. If you have very clear boundaries for kids, they also feel safe and secure because they know where the boundaries are. They know what the rules are. They can then play within those rules comfortably.

Sometimes they've got to push the boundaries for a little while to make sure. However, ultimately all kids, once they know those boundaries, will operate to those boundaries. This is why you'll have children, who will misbehave for one adult and behave for another is because they understand what everyone's boundaries are. So with this person, I know I can push the boundaries and get away with more stuff and be naughtier, and with this person, they don't take any of that rubbish, so I better behave.

So the age of two is a wonderful opportunity for them to grow and become a better version of themselves through a solid foundation that's been laid during this age of two. And it's also an opportunity and a challenge for parents to rise up and set boundaries, rules, understandings for their young children to be able to live happily within the household rules.

So in defence of two year olds, they are doing what comes natural. They do it because they need to do it. They need to understand the world around them. They need to understand that the big people have their best interests at heart. They need to understand my boundaries. They need to understand how I fit into the world. I need to understand where I'm loved, where I'm supported, where I'm encouraged, where I'm nurtured. They need to understand all these things, so in their defence they are just been two year olds.

We as adults have to step up and be the adults and create for them an environment where they feel safe, where they feel happy, where they feel loved. If they can have that, they grow up a lot more balanced, lot more secure and comfortable within themselves. So adults, parents rise to the challenge. Be that awesome parent, that awesome adult that they need.

Anyway, that's it for this episode. Hope you've enjoyed it. It is a challenging time having two year olds. I know I've been there a number of times, not just with my kids but other people's. It is a challenging time. However, I know once they understand my rules and that they are safe with me and they're secure and loved and supported. They feel very comfortable and it takes the relationship to a new level. So rise to the challenge. Adults and parents be all you can be so that they can be all that they can be.

That's it for this episode. Take care of yourselves. Make sure to practise everything and remember, here's to a good life.

You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

Thanks for listening.You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

You can also check out our website by clicking HERE

Thanks for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, This is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track. Welcome to the latest episode.

In this episode I want to talk about something that seems to cause a lot of division amongst people, a lot of arguments, a lot of sometimes healthy discussion, sometimes unhealthy, lots of protests, etc, etc. That subject is racism.

You get a lot of people being accused of being racist, of downplaying minorities or people who are of a different cultural background, ethnicity, skin colour, etc. I want to put my little bit in. You may not agree with what I say. At least I hope you'll ponder it. Even though I'm talking about racism, you could apply this same statement or theme for this episode to sexism, ageism, prejudice. It's all basically the same thing. However, I'm going to focus on the racism portion because that seems to be one that people relate to a lot easier.

The big challenge seems to be that a lot of people try to state that they are not racist, and this is where my first challenge comes with. In regard to racism is that awareness is 50% of any growth, 50% of any journey, it's the hardest part, is admitting things, and from what I can see, because of what I've been through in my life, what I've witnessed, what I've been a part of, yeah, I've got a view of racism that I want to put forward.

This is what I want you to contemplate. Think about. I understand that it may trigger off certain things within yourself, that it may give you cause to be angry or upset, and that's okay, because when those emotions are triggered, that's an opportunity for growth. So first of all, I want to talk about racism itself. Part of our human brain is a little bit lazy. So what it does, is it generalises and not just people, it generalises with everything, so we know what a door looks like. We know what a glass looks like. So what we do is we generalise things until we have a chance to process them.

The challenge that we've created for ourselves is that with this generalisation we don't tend to move past it. People are inclined to associate with people that are the same cultural group as themselves, same ethnicity, the same religious beliefs, the same opinions, so we tend to be a little bit insular. We don't tend to expand ourselves to understand or learn about other people with different views, different opinions, different upbringings.

I myself, I'll give you a little bit of a history so you can understand where my view of racism comes from. I was born and raised in Australia, and I know this is getting listened to around the world. So I was born and raised in Australia and I'm in my fifties now. So growing up it was predominantly in the seventies and eighties, and we didn't have a lot of different ethnicities in this place where I grew up. So most of the people I knew were white Anglo Saxons, usually of at least first generation Australian. So at least our parents were usually born here, so we would call ourselves Australian, but generally we're not because we're only first generation we're just Australian born.

So we have a group of people in Australia. They don't make up a large percentage of our population. However, they are certainly subject to a lot of challenges, and that's the aboriginal people, or as we call them now, those First Nations people and growing up, I didn't have a problem with these First Nations people. I'll call them by their proper name. I didn't have a problem with them. I never clashed with them. I tended to know them, treated them with decency. I didn't denigrate them. I didn't put them down. I still tried to avoid doing that as much as possible to the point where even if I was on the street and I do remember one incident very clearly where I was walking along by myself at night time near my house and there was a group of aboriginal lads coming towards me. Sorry, First Nations lads coming towards me, and there would have been probably seven of them, eight of them and most people would panic. However, I didn't because I recognised a few of them. So as we got closer, they obviously realised they knew me. And so it was a "Hi, how are you going?" And I replied to "doing good, take it easy" and kept walking.

So I've never had a problem with them and never had a need to fear them. However, I understand why people do fear them because they are inclined to have a... and again, this is a generalisation because they're not all like this. I've met ones that are different, but they seem to have a frustration and anger that runs through them at a deeper level. And that anger when you know their history is understandable. And this is one of those things where a lot of people don't bother to learn.

So I understand, as I learn more and more about what's happened to them in our history, I can understand their frustration, and it's a complex and challenging situation to get out of, and it's not easy. However, It starts with a basic truth, and that is, all of us, every single human on this planet is racist. This is something that a lot of people seem to struggle with, is just being able to say I am racist and I am. I know that when I look at certain people who are of a definite, different persuasion, whether that's skin colour, ethnicity, cultural upbringings, religious opinions, whatever it is, I do operate from a generalisation. I try not to. I'm not comfortable with it, and I try to get to know people without acknowledging or operating from that generalisation too much.

I've got a bit of evidence for this. I want to tell a little bit of a story about a woman, an amazing woman. She said something which perfectly illustrates what I'm talking about. There's a woman by the name of Jane Elliott, and in the sixties, just after Martin Luther King Jr was assassinated, she was a schoolteacher, and she decided to teach her young class about racism. She devised an experiment where she had them wear a colour according to their colour, because your eye colour, like your skin colour, cannot be chosen by yourself. You just end up with that because of your genetics.

She had these Children experience the discrimination that people of skin colour experience. So in other words, she made them victims of racism. So this was an area that only had white people, so they didn't get to really see or experience, people of a different ethnicity and certainly not of a different skin colour. And she had one side experience it. People with blue eyes. So people like myself and then she had the other side experience it, and this was made into a documentary.

I watched it quite a number of years ago, and it impacted me, and the reason it impacted me was one particular moment, and this is the moment I want to talk about. So this is a woman, when they were interviewing or in this documentary, she had been working on teaching racism in using this type of experiment, with adults as well for many, many years. So she had been subject to all sorts of threats and situations where she was attacked. Her family was attacked, her husband, her children and they were put through quite a hell, a lot of horrible stuff. So she strongly believed in what she was doing, which was educating people about racism. She also now teaches about ageism, sexism, prejudice.

Anyway, she was driving along, and she's talking as she's driving. And she was saying after I think at the time it was about 40 years she had been doing this. So she's driving along, and a news article came on the radio. I think it was something like a break-in. It happened, and she said that her first thought, this is a woman that had been spending decades trying to get people to understand racism. Her first thought was, "Please don't let it be a person of colour", and she realised she was still racist.

It is not something that needs to be shunned. It's something that needs to be understood. If you understand that you're racist, you can then do something about it. So I know that, for example, let's say I have an opportunity to talk to someone who's from a different country, different religious upbringing, a different whatever I can then get to know them and understand that world a little better, just from their point of view, at least so it changes my view just a little bit, and then the more I have an opportunity to do that and the more I do it, the more I can learn about these people, whatever their situation is, and then I can understand it.

So I feel if you can at least say "Yes, I am racist", that's 50% of your journey. Then it's just acknowledging that you're not comfortable with it. You don't want to be racist, and you can then do something about it. So that's what I try to do. So, am I still racist? Yes. Unfortunately, I have these generalised thoughts. Am I happy with it? Am I comfortable with it? Not at all. I don't enjoy it. So therefore I am working at it.

A couple of other things I want to put forward about this and again, you might have a reaction, and that's your choice. You're allowed to. I would like you to just consider this what I'm saying. In America, there has been a big push over the last few years for black lives matter. And there's people that go all lives matter. All lives matter and they do. All lives do matter. The challenges that people, not just people that are of dark skin colour, black people or African American, whatever term you want to use, the challenge they have, as do people in Australia who are First Nations descent. The challenge that they have views they are below what the general population has. So they have prejudices that they battle with.

So some of the people who partook of Jane Elliott's experiment. So when they do it, obviously people that are blue eyed, they'd have to go off to a room while they prep for the experiment, and the people that are left, obviously people that are dark skin. So Middle Eastern, African American. One of the experiments she did was conducted in America. And she is talking to these people of dark skin, the African Americans about their experiences and what they go through every day? They're explaining how they have to battle so many things, and again, something powerful that happened is, she said, to these people "Who here has friends that are in the room that are blue eyed?", and of course, they put their hands up.

This is after asking the African Americans of their experience every single day that they have to go through just to be able to survive. She asked these people "Who here who has a friend in that room, and thinks that they won't be able to cope with what we're about to put them through?" A heap of people put their hands up, and she said, "Do you realise what you have just done?" Of course they didn't click, and she said that "you're saying your friends for one hour, well, the two hours that we're doing this experiment won't be able to tolerate or put up with what African American people have to go through every single day of their lives?"

And it was like something turned on me and I went, Oh my God, she's right And there is a lot of crap that black people, aboriginal people, First Nations people, all of these people have all of these extra challenges that we do not. That's a generalisation because there are black people that don't have it quite as much, African American people that don't have it quite as much, same as there are white people that have more challenges. As a generalisation, people of some sort of skin colour go through a lot more racism, and it is true if they walked through a shop, they get watched more because everyone thinks you're going to steal something.

I've seen this illustrated so many times about the differences in actions, and I feel one of the big things moving forward in healing this, in learning from it, in becoming better from it, is if we all just say I am racist. In other words, I acknowledge that I am part of the problem. Therefore, If I'm part of the problem, I can be part of the solution and that is one of the keys with moving forward in this regard.

Another one I wanted to talk about was the aboriginal people or First Nations people. Back in 2008, there was a young lady in far north Queensland who was the first person in her community to go to university, and she qualified to become a lawyer. And in some of the wisest words I have ever heard uttered by a person ever is. She's standing in amongst her community, this young First Nations woman, and she says "Our problem cannot be fixed with money. We cannot rely on the white man to fix our problem. We have to fix our problem. It is up to us to fix it". And she was absolutely right.

Any problem can only be fixed by you, and that means if you acknowledge your part of the problem, then you can do something about it. And one of the attitudes that seems to be reasonably prevalent and understandably so, is these First Nations, people who are subject to all of these situations and circumstances and history that have caused them a lot of pain and have contributed to this anger that seems to be running through them. They need to realise that they are also not only part of the problem, but also part of the solution, and it takes all of us going "Up until now, we have done it in a way that is not effective. We can now do something differently", and I feel if we all do that, we can really move forward, same as with in the United States with the African American people. If they, and everyone said yes, we have this history, it's unpleasant, it's uncomfortable. Every country in the world actually could have the same attitude, "We have this history where we have not treated people fairly and equitably. We need to do something different. We now acknowledge this history, as uncomfortable as it may be, and now we can do something different. Now we can move forward and heal and create better relationships and understand each other better".

So what I ask of you is are you willing to say "I'm racist, I am prejudiced, I'm sexist, I am ageist" because we do this sort of thing regularly with all sorts of people, and it's automatic. It's hardwired into every single one of us. No one gets out of jail free on this one. We are all racist. We are all sexist. We're all prejudiced to different degrees. But we all have it. And in order to fix this challenge, this obstacle, as with any challenge or obstacle, you have to acknowledge it. And if we all acknowledge that we're part of the problem, then we can all start to fix it.

So that was the episode I wanted to talk about. Today was about racism and prejudice and I wanted to put forward my little bit. You can disagree. That's fine. However, I would like, prefer, if you would think about what I've said. It's not comfortable. I don't sit comfortably with the term racist or prejudice or sexist or any of it. However, it is part of my wiring. My upbringing contributed to it. I see it compounded by media and situations that I see every single day those things exist, so moving forward can be challenging for me personally, though I can work on me. I can't change the world, but I can change the people I interact with and I can change myself.

So if I take control of that and responsibility for that and try to encourage others to do the same, then maybe we can start to move forward and really make change. Because if you take away our labels, our skin colours, agendas, our cultural upbringing, our religious upbringings, whatever that is. Take that away, and we're all just human beings. We all have wants, needs, desires, hopes, dreams. We're all the same in the end.

So anyway, that's today's episode, I hope you've enjoyed it. I hope it inspires you to do something. Hope it inspires you to get out there and, yeah, make your bit of the world a little bit better. And if we all do that, maybe, just maybe we'll get this world to be something that's worth being in.

If you've got any feedback, feel free to send it in. I now have an option in the show notes where there's a link that you can click and you can leave me a 9o second voice message, because I like hearing voices. So if you want to do that as well again, I just want to reiterate, you might have a contrary view to what I've spoken about, and that is okay, that is your choice.

If you feel the need to voice a differing opinion or a frustration or anger in my direction, please do it respectfully. I'm happy to listen if it's respectful, because then I can learn something. So please refrain from doing any of that. So, yes, it would be wonderful to have feedback and have discussions and dialogues.

I hope this helped you, hope it's inspired you, I hope you can make your bit of the world a little bit better for the people that you care about, for the people that you value, as well as yourself.

So take care, enjoy your day, look after yourself and remember, here's to a good life.

You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

Thanks for listening.You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

You can also check out our website by clicking HERE

Thanks for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, This is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track. Welcome to the latest episode.

Relationships can be challenging, and there can be many things that can pull you off course and contribute to things that may pull you apart, and people give many reasons for divorce. But every time they do surveys, there is one thing that seems to come out near the top of the list a lot more than anything else, and that is money.

Now, why would money be the cause of a relationship breakdown? It's not the money itself, per se, because money has no meaning other than the meaning you give it. And that is where the problem lies. We each have a different meaning, a different emotion, a different need attributed to money that is different to that of our partners.

Now, this is one that I've spoken about before, and I don't talk about it massively because I'm not a finance person or anything like that. However, I do have understandings of things, and many years ago, when I was with my last partner, we went and did a money workshop, because we were contemplating doing investing and we were trying to work out which way to go. When we heard about this workshop on money and we thought we'd give it a go, and it wasn't about how to make money or how to invest or anything like that, it was understanding your relationship with money.

So we went along to this workshop and they talk about mindset and various things like this. Then they came to this part they were talking about the four attitudes toward money. As the chap on the stage was explaining these four types, he then, at the end of the explanations, asked everyone to stand in the corner of the room that they felt they fitted into according to the money type. So my partner and I separated off and we went to where we felt our money type was.

Now the four money types were, and two of them are fairly obvious. One was the saver, and one was the spender. Now these aren't a straight out and out definition because there is different variations on a spectrum within that definition. So someone who's a saver, you could get someone who's sensible with their money, they're thrifty. If they can save money, they will. If they get like a coupon, they'll use it. So there are people that are sensible savers there, people that like to make sure they've got money in their account. And then the opposite end of that spectrum is the person that doesn't like spending money at all. They're very fearful. They're the sort of person that if you go out to dinner with them and you say, "Well, let's just split the bill evenly" they go, "But I didn't have dessert, so I should pay $8 less" or whatever.

So that's that sort of person, and that's the spender and then there's the spender, who is the opposite. There's people that are comfortable spending money and they'll enjoy spending their money. And then there's people that spend so much money that they never have any, so they basically spend it as soon as they've got it. And the other two are, the monk. That's the person who believes you don't need money to be happy. Yeah, money is a good thing, in-as-much as it gives you options and choices and that sort of thing. So the people that believe you don't need money to be happy, fall into the category of Monk.

Then you have the denier. The denier is the person who keeps racking up more and more debt, and they are a financial train wreck just waiting to happen. But they keep saying "no, it'll be all right. I'll pay it off, I'll pay it off". A very good example would be a chap I worked with years ago. He would have been in his fifties, and this was 15 years ago, so if you allow for inflation, it's probably two or three times the amount. And one day he mentioned to me the fact that he had credit card debt of $70,000. So I put that into today's money or allowing for 15 years of inflation. You'd be looking at well over double that amount, so he had probably close to $200,000 worth of debt. And that is insane because it's 18% or whatever it is in interest. He had been putting nearly all of his wage into just paying it off. So that would be the denier.

Anyway, back to my story, my ex partner and myself, she went and stood in the saver section, and I stood in the spender section because at the time I was spending, not full on, but, you know, I enjoyed spending my money and knowing that money is a major cause of divorces and relationship breakup, I had the realisation that this was something that would contribute to the end of our relationship if I didn't do something about it. So I started working on it and we ended up breaking up a few years later, to do with other things than money.

By the time I met my wife, I was on path to being a sensible spender. So I was a little more sensible. So and again, my wife is a saver, so we work in well together. I get her to loosen up, loosen up a little bit with some things, and she gets me to be sensible more. The reason relationships break up are due to money. And that is like I said, the differing opinions. So as I just mentioned with my ex partner, she was a saver. I was spender. If I didn't have that realisation and work on that, that relationship would have struggled financially. We would have had problems.

So if you want a successful relationship, and you don't want to have yet another thing contributing to a challenge. Think about what money type you are. Are you a saver, a spender, a monk or a denier? And then think about if that's going to cause problems with your relationship and start working on your relationship with money. If you're a spender, find out why you feel the need to spend so much. If you're a saver and you're on the tight-ass end of it and you know you like saving every cent you've got, ask yourself why? Where does that come from? What is the driver behind that?

Find a healthy balance, and the key to a money relationship with your partner is you have your money type. Your partner has their money type, and you have your couples money type. So when you sit together to talk about finances and plan things out, you come from your couples mindset. So the fact that money contributes to divorces and relationship breakdowns is nothing to do with money itself. People think or choose not to think, because they just blame the money directly rather than actually working on it. and getting clarity so that they can have a better relationship. They blame it on the money.

This obviously doesn't help the situation because that is what they focus on rather than their contributions. They can't take any responsibility or learn from it. So if you want a healthy relationship with your partner, have a healthy relationship with money. So it doesn't matter which of the four you sit in as long as it's a healthy form of that type, and it can actually work in your favour. If you have a partner who's in one type, you can bring them to a healthy balance. So, for example, if your partner is a spender, they like spending money. Find out why they like spending it, get them to spend it on things where they can get that same sort of result, but without spending the money, then you've got a chance of saving it and vice versa.

With the spender, find out why they like to save every cent and find ways for them to have fun while spending a little bit of money, and then they'll realise the benefits. Yeah, so if you want that healthy, high quality relationship, look at all aspects of it, and money is one of those taboo subjects. We get told. You can't ask people how much they earn and you can't ask this about money and you can't ask that, and this is ridiculous because it is another part of a relationship.

It is something that needs to be broached. I've met couples where they have separate bank accounts. They don't have joint bank accounts. They talk about loaning to each other. You know, like "you borrowed $10 off me the other day and you know, you need to pay that back". And with my wife and myself, we have joint bank accounts. Obviously, we also have our own private bank accounts. And if we're going out for one of our date nights, we still say, "Are you paying or am I paying?" Even though it's coming out of our joint bank account? So that's always amusing. I think I always get tickled by that one.

So if you want that high quality relationship, work on your money relationship, if you had a relationship in the past that struggled, look at it and see if the attitude towards money contributed to it. If so, how can you tweak it so that you can get a better result this time anyway? That's it for this one.

I wanted to defend poor money because obviously money can't speak up for itself. But money didn't break up a relationship. Was it your attitude towards it or their attitude towards it that contributed to that break up? So let's hear it for money. Money is good. Money gives you choices. Money allows you to do things to help people. You can't help anyone if you're broke, so have a good relationship with money. Then you can have a good relationship with your partner and yourself, and you can have a good life.

So on that I want to finish. Here's to a good life.

You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

Thanks for listening.You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

You can also check out our website by clicking HERE

Thanks for listening.

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Hi, this is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track. Welcome to the latest episode. In this one I want to talk a little bit about what we want in our partners.

You see, when we sit down to work out who we should be in a relationship with, people tend to draw up a list, and it usually contains certain attributes or characteristics or values that these people would be desired to have, and one that seems to pop up regularly amongst the many is honesty.

People say they want a partner who's honest. Now, I want to dig into this a little bit because it pops up a lot and I don't think enough people think about these things in depth. So, we say we want a partner who's honest and with a lot of things, it's conditional. We do want someone who's honest. We don't want them to cheat on us. We don't want us then to deceive us. We don't want them to say that they love us when they don't. So in that regard, we want an honest partner.

The times when we maybe make mistakes, we don't really want our partner to be too honest with us because it tends to be a little confronting when you're given the truth about situations. Honesty is an interesting subject in as much as there are different gradients as to the levels of honesty we want in a partner. And what for one person would be honesty, for another would not be enough honesty. So therefore, it is something that is open to conjecture and discussion and debate.

Now, when I created my dating template many years ago, or the concept of the dating template, there was some things that I had to become aware of, and one of these was when I wrote down a particular characteristic or attitude or habit or belief or value that my partner would, that I would like my partner to have, sorry about that little glitch, I had to follow up the statement with 'Why?'

So if I could define why I wanted that particular trait, and what about that particular trait was so important? I found that I could have better clarity with my partner and what that future relationship would be like. For example, if I had said, I want a partner, that's truthful, which is what a lot of people put, I would ask 'why?', and then I would define why I want them to be truthful and what aspect of truthful.

So, for example, if I had been deceived by a partner in the past, and that had caused me a lot of disappointment and frustration and hurt and rejection, I might want to avoid that. So I would put in my dating template that I want them to be honest, and then why would be because I don't want to be deceived again. Now, the other aspect to look at is what you've learned from the previous situation that contributed to you requesting that in your dating template.

So once you can start to define it, you can dig into it and find out why that was actually a good thing that that happened. And what is the positive benefit for you in this current day? The ultimate aim is to work out how your future partner would have that attitude, that attribute, that belief, that habit, that would benefit you so that you could have a better quality relationship.

Ultimately, everything we want in a partner has to be centred around its ability to give us an opportunity to grow. If a relationship gives us an opportunity to grow, it is a high quality relationship and one that is worth having. If it doesn't give us that opportunity to grow through our partner being honest or whatever it is that we have requested that they have, if it doesn't give us the opportunity, it's not worth being in because you will be stagnant. You won't grow, they won't grow, the relationship won't grow and therefore it won't benefit you in any way.

So going back to where I originally started today is if you're writing down what it is you want in a partner, you will benefit greatly from defining what it is that you want them to have. What attributes, what habit, what belief, what value, what attitude, that you would like them to have also.

'Why?', as in start digging into the reasons why, how it's going to benefit you, how it's going to give you an opportunity to become a better partner, a bit of person, a better parent, so that the relationship becomes worthwhile, and then if you can define the 'why' look for lessons there you received prior to this moment, that was the catalyst for you creating that request.

So to give that some context, I'll use one that was important for me in my dating template. When I was looking for my partner, I put in their sense of humour. Everyone puts in sense of humour. The thing is, they don't define it, they don't dig into it. They don't work out the why and how it's going to benefit them. So for me, my why was they have to be able to laugh at themselves? In other words, they don't take the world overly seriously, so there's obviously serious aspects, but they don't get hung up on stuff. They are able to relax. They have a similar sense of humour to myself. In other words, they find the same sorts of things funny.

They are comfortable with a joke, both giving and taking, and therefore they are someone who is fun to be around now. My wife, when I met her, she stated that she liked Fawlty Towers, which was a show that I've loved for many years. So the moment she mentioned that, I knew that we had a similar sense of humour so that was a tick. So then I had to work out whether or not she was comfortable laughing at herself and also if she was comfortable both giving and taking teasing. The funny thing is, or the ironic thing is, she ended up having that attitude far more than I expected.

So she and I laugh a lot. She's always teasing me, never in a nasty way. It's just always in fun, and she's very good at it, unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on which way you look at it so that we actually have a really good dynamic within the relationship, which allows me to not only enjoy myself but enjoy the company of my wife and want to spend time with her and enjoy her company. Amongst the many other things that I enjoy about her, her sense of humour is something that is big. I have laughed more with her in a month than I have in years with other partners.

So if you're looking at your dating template, look at all the values, list down what it is you want in a partner, and that's easy. Things like truth, honesty, sense of humour, All these sorts of things pop up, but start digging into it, defining why and how it will benefit you and them. If they bring that to the relationship, how will that give you the opportunity to grow and be a better person so that you can have that high quality relationship you've always wanted?

Now, if you're even if you're in relationship currently, you can still do a dating template because then you get clarity on your partner, where they are offering you strengths and where they might need to work, to be able to become the partner that you'd really like to have and also what you can bring to their relationship, which is just as important.

So that was it for today. I just wanted to talk about the dating template and every time, the fact that every time I work with a client and they say they want someone with a sense of humour, we have to dig into it and find out what that is. And the greater the clarity, the stronger the foundation of the relationship. Therefore, the likelihood of you ending up with a high quality relationship is a lot higher. That's the whole point of the dating template.

So there you go. I hope that's giving you something to think about. If you're single and looking for a partner and even if you're in a relationship and looking two, upgrade your relationship to one that is high quality. So these will give you things to think about, so I hope you've enjoyed it.

If you've got any questions, there is a link. You can send us a voice message. You can send emails any method you use. You can get feedback to us. Ask a question and we'll put it into a future episode. Whatever it is you want, we're here for you anyway. I want to end as I always do with this, saying, Here's to a good life.

You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

Thanks for listening.You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

You can also check out our website by clicking HERE

Thanks for listening.

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Hi, This is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track.

Welcome to the latest recording. In this recording, I want to continue on from what I was talking about in the last episode, which was, well, the last episode was, should men be crying? Of course, my answer was yes, and I went into it in a reasonable depth.

I wanted to continue on with that because it's something that I feel is very important, and it's vital, because it underlines, it underpins, it is a foundation for a lot of healthy relationships, a lot of healthy mental attitudes in men, a lot of balance being brought back to men. The sad thing is, as young men we're taught, and I know this was true of myself because my father was raised in that generation where men didn't cry and it was all of that sort of rubbish.

For myself, that has been something that's been very challenging to overcome. I know for many years I was ashamed to cry. I felt weak. If I did, I felt that there was something wrong with me and what I realised after many years and doing a fair about amount of work on myself and also attending numerous weekends and workshops was that my inability, my reluctance to cry was actually a major hindrance. In fact, it was probably the most damaging attitude that I had.

What I found was because I wasn't able to cry. It caused me to suppress a lot of things which came out in unhealthy ways. So what I have found now is because I have worked on myself in depth and at length, is now I'm comfortable not only actually crying, and having that ability to acknowledge when I'm sad or connecting to the, what they call the 'negative emotions', it also allows me to be comfortable crying for the so called 'positive emotions'. So pride, connection, those sorts of things.

So I find nowadays I'm a lot more comfortable and a lot more capable of crying not just on my own but in front of people. And what I've found is because I can then acknowledge the emotions. I can actually identify them a lot easier. If I feel the urge to cry coming up, I can tap into that and I can recognise, first of all, if it's a so called 'positive' or a so called 'negative' emotion and which aspect of each of those two options I am actually feeling.

So is it a sadness that I'm feeling? Is it a disappointment? Is it a frustration? Is it something else? And on the other side, is it because I'm proud? Is it because I'm connecting?

It has enabled me to become a much more rounded, and I feel healthier person overall because I'm not suppressing things. It also has enabled me to be able to tap into when I'm angry and I can tap into which aspect of angry that I am. Which aspect of just about any of the emotions, like even happy. What part of happy am I? What version?

So if you open one area of your emotions I have found and I've seen in many others, the ability to tap into and connect with all of the other aspects of yourself becomes a lot greater. So the title of this episode was about if you're watching a sad movie and you cried, do you feel broken? For a lot of men we feel broken because as that shame, the guilt, and all of this sort of thing tied in where if we cry, we're not masculine, you know, we're not tapped into our manliness and all this sort of stuff.

So if you're watching a movie that's sad and it's actually designed to tap into those emotions that bring that up, if you're suppressing that, that's also going to be suppressing other parts of your life. So for myself, I remember one of the first movies that elicited a massive crying response in myself was "Schindler's List", and there were so many aspects of that, that tapped into myself, I was looking back at history and looking at my own attitudes towards people, and that enabled me to look at that, to analyse it, to accept back into myself these things and then work on them.

So ultimately it enabled me to become a healthier, happier, more rounded, balanced person where I felt more complete. So nowadays I welcome all of my emotions. So if you're watching a movie that's designed to illicit, you know, a crying response, for example, and you're not crying, you might want to look at why is there a shame about it? Is there a guilt as a hesitancy because it's not masculine or if you're a woman, same thing.

What part of you is resisting acknowledging that emotion? So being able to tap into that and become a whole, a more whole and more complete person is probably one of the most empowering things you'll ever do. So if you're watching it, you're not broken, Okay?

One of the big beliefs that I push onto a lot of my clients is you're not broken. No one's broken. We're doing the best we can with the tools we have. And if you're struggling to connect to crying or feeling that sorrow or whatever it is, it's something else. It's not that you're breaking, something else has a stronger hold over you than that desire to connect to your sorrow or whatever it is. So you're not broken.

You just need to acknowledge it, work on it, accept it, bring it back into yourself. And what I find is because I let myself feel it. I can get past it quicker, and that's with all the emotions. So if I'm angry, if I acknowledge it and sit in it for a while, I can get out of it quicker. I don't tend to wallow in it like I used to, so you'll find that it's probably one of the healthier and better things that you will do so tap into your your sadness. Let yourself feel it, and you'll probably be a happier, more rounded person overall.

So that was that. I just felt the need to continue on from the last episode and just finalise that so, quick episode this time I hope you've enjoyed it. I hope it inspires you to go and watch some sad movies and tap into your sadness. So, yeah, until the next episode, look after yourself and remember, here's to a good life.

You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

Thanks for listening.You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

You can also check out our website by clicking HERE

Thanks for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, this is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track. Welcome to the latest episode.

In this one, I want to talk to you about something that has had a big impact on my life, and I know that for all the men that I've met that have been on this portion of a journey, it's been a big one for them as well. You see, I grew up under the tutelage of a father who did the best he could with what he knew. Unfortunately, one of the beliefs that he bought into was one that he passed on to me and that I struggled with for many years until I managed to get past it.

That is whether or not to cry. You see, my father's from the long line of stoic men that suck it up and build a bridge and don't show any sort of so called 'weakness'. In fact, in my life I've only seen my father shed two tears. One was the day that he told me I was adopted, and the second tear I saw was when my mother died.

It's unfortunate because that belief that he passed on to me probably because he didn't know any better is something that has impacted me quite strongly up until the last dozen years. It's taken me a lot of effort to explore and be comfortable with this concept of crying. A lot of men are taught from a very young age that to cry is to show weakness. So we learn to suck up our pain, to not acknowledge it, to shut down feelings of sadness, grief, disappointment.

It effectively cuts off a good chunk of who we are, and for me I found it to be damaging to my overall health. That's not just my emotional health, but also my mental health, my physical health, because all of these things are intertwined. One of the best things I could do is explore this concept of the tears, where they originate from and why we are so determined to view them as a weakness.

One of the things that I realised was the people that are truly strong are the ones that can put everything out there and have no fear of judgement, no fear of ridicule and not be embarrassed. They don't feel any guilt or any shame around showing all of their emotions, and it's taken me a lot of work and a bunch of men that I know have put in those same efforts.

The people I admire most in this world are the ones that can bring those sorts of things present and foremost in their existence, in the way that they present in the world, in the way they deal with things. The question that I posed for this podcast for this episode is "Should men cry or not?" Having been on both sides of the equation, my answer is an emphatic yes.

To cry is to acknowledge all of your emotions, to acknowledge all of your existence. It is to invite back into yourself parts that have been disowned, ignored, repressed, hidden away. These emotions or aspects of yourself being welcomed back are what allow you to feel whole, complete, and better able to deal with things. If you can't acknowledge a so called 'negative' emotion, how can you deal with it? How can you learn from it? How can you take it for its opportunity of growth and not go with it?

It's to hide away from part of who we are. Being sad is a natural part of life along with all those aspects like grieving, fear, disappointment, all of these things that are lumped under sadness. All of this means being able to acknowledge them and experience them, means you get better at dealing with them and then being able to choose something else. Ignoring, suppressing and hiding from these other aspects are what causes them to lay dormant beneath the surface. Or we think they're dormant.

What they're doing is they're actually slowly infecting all parts of our life so that we feel these emotions creeping up again and again, stronger and stronger each time, until eventually they become too much and we succumb and we collapse and have breakdowns and crises. These are not good for us. These are not things that help ourselves, our family, our partners, our friends.

Being able to bring all of you is what makes life truly rich. Being able to show your family, your friends, all of you is something that is worth having. One of the legacies I hope to leave for my children, my two sons is that it's OK to cry, and it took me a long time to get comfortable with that, with letting them see me cry, even letting my partner see me cry.

I went through a period where I would cry in the movie, and then I would quickly wipe the tears away. I let them out, but I still had the shame around it. Now my wife will watch me watch a movie, and tears were streaming down my face and I don't wipe them away anymore because the tears don't just represent sadness. And this is one of the things I had to realise by exploring it.

You can cry because you're happy, you can cry because you're proud, you can cry because you're engaged, you can cry because you relate. Tears are a wonderful thing. They are a great release. They allow you to connect. So in answer to my little question that I posed should men cry, as I said before, is an emphatic yes, they should cry because they're sad. They should cry because they're happy. They should cry because they're proud. They should cry because they're connected. They should cry because they're empathetic and and I have empathy. Gees, I have struggled with that one there. That's an interesting one. I won't edit that out. That's fun. We should embrace all of it, all of it, because then you become more whole. We become more complete, we're better able to navigate those challenging times, we're better able to accept back into ourselves those parts that we once felt were difficult and they become easier.

So that was today's. It's just a thought I had about my journey about the crying, witnessing other men cry. I still get uncomfortable with it sometimes, and that's okay. It's all part of the journey. It gives me another opportunity to explore myself.

So if you're a man and you're listening to this, cry, cry for the good times, cry for the bad times, cry because you can, cry to show not that you're weak but that you are strong, that you're able to show all of your emotions and not be fearful of judgement or criticism. Show that you are stronger than that. Show it through your tears and I will be proud of you. For you too will have stepped into my world, one where tears are enjoyable now and before I get too sentimental, I do want to leave you with this wish, that you do learn to embrace them.

The tears of joy, the tears of happiness, tears of pride, the tears of success along with the tears of sadness and grief and fear and loss, Embrace all of them, become more of you so that you can be more for others. And that is how it starts. So I leave you as usual with my thought of "Here's to a good life."

You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

Thanks for listening.You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

You can also check out our website by clicking HERE

Thanks for listening.

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Hi, This is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track. Welcome to the latest episode.

In this one, I want to talk about something interesting. Intriguing even. And that is, can a leopard change its spots?

We can also ask this question of ourselves. Can we change our spots now? The key here is "Is it possible?" Now, of course it's possible. That is an easy one to answer. Yes! It is possible for a leopard to change its spots. What we do need to know is "Is it probable?" That is the key here. Is it probable that that leopard will change its spots and develop different behaviours, different attitudes, different mindsets, different reactions?

We can also ask "Is it probable that we will change our behaviours, our actions, our habits, our mindsets" and that is the one that is harder to quantify, to understand its likelihood. Because we are complex emotions. We are complex mindsets. We are complex human beings.

There are many factors contributing to whether or not we will change. People, by their very nature, are driven by two things. We are either driven away from pain or we're driven towards pleasure or drawn towards pleasure. I should say.

The key is, is that drive that pushes us away from pain or pulls us towards pleasure strong enough to make it probable that we will change or someone else will change?

I'll tell a story, and it's one that illustrates, I think very strongly the aspect of probability, the probability that I am talking about. I may have told this story before in a podcast, and that's OK because it's a very strong example of what I'm talking about. Many years ago I worked with a chap by the name of Ian and we were sitting down to lunch one day and I was in a very masculine environment. There are no women, so it was very much macho and Ian was English and I being Australian, we had a little bit in common in that regard.

Now I had obviously spoken to him a number of times, so it was OK with talking to him and I was seated near him and he sat down in this very masculine environment and he was eating a salad. Now this intrigued me a man eating a salad because this isn't something that you would generally see in my very cliched environment. I inquired to Ian as to why he was eating a salad, and he informed me that he had been told some time ago by his doctor that he was quite overweight. He was 20 odd kilos overweight, that his blood pressure was high, that his cholesterol was dangerously high and that if he did nothing to rectify the situation, he would be dead within 12 months.

For many people, the threat of death would be enough to motivate you. So therefore, we would modify our eating habits, our exercise habits, and we would do something to mitigate that risk. For some people, though, we need a bigger kick. And a friend of Ian's was in pretty much the same boat at around the same time that he was. They were both overweight, had high blood pressure and high, very high cholesterol.

This other chap had been told by his doctor exactly what Ian had been told by his doctor. And that was, if you do nothing to rectify this situation, you would be dead In 12 months. Ian had been motivated by that very threat, and he's changed his eating habits. He started eating cleaner. He started exercising and the weight came off and his cholesterol dropped and his blood pressure came down and he became healthy. After a number of months, Ian had noticed that his friend was still eating what the English called chip butties, which is two pieces of bread with hot chips in between and sauce, a"nd he said to his friend, What are you doing?"

His friend, in typical macho fashion, said, "It'll be fine". Unfortunately, though, it wasn't and sadly, within the 12 months, as predicted by the doctor, this bloke dropped dead. The sad thing about that situation was that he left behind a wife and two young sons. Sometimes leopards don't change their spots because it's not very probable. They don't have a big enough painful reason to stop. They don't have a big enough promise as to the pleasure ahead that would draw them towards them.

Ian did. It was highly probable that he would change his spots and he became a better person for it, became more aware of his health, the impact on his loved ones because he had two young daughters, I think from recollection. His friend, however, didn't have enough pain. He didn't have enough promise of a pleasurable future to change, so therefore, he paid the price. So was it probable that his friend would change? It was a lot less likely.

So it's not so much. Will a leopard change its spots? It's how probable. I just recalled a memory from my own past, and that is many years ago, I was one of these people who smoked. So we're talking, in my late twenties here. I was never a habitual smoker. I would smoke a pack a day for a week, and then I wouldn't smoke for a fortnight. I did, however, continue to smoke, and one day I developed a cough and I went to my doctor.

In true doctor fashion, he said, "I'll send you off for some X rays". So we sent me off for some X rays, and I went and visited him to get the results. As he sat there looking at my X ray results, he informed me that I had the start of emphysema. Now, for those of you that may not be aware of what emphysema is or the end result, it tends to damage your larynx and your breathing ability, and you end up having to breathe through a hole in your throat. Sometimes they have to remove your voice box, which means you no longer use your vocal cords to talk. You use a little automated machine that simulates your speech when you press it against the hole in your throat.

Now I knew what emphysema was, and that terrified me. It scared the willies out of me. So from that day I never touched another cigarette. I had sufficient pain that I had a very, very high probability that I would change that behaviour, that habit, that mindset, and I haven't smoked another cigarette since that day. I have no desire to, and you couldn't pay me enough to, so that probability was very high.

Was it possible? Yes. As always, leopards can change their spots. The probability is the key. So for yourself. If you want to look at changing something, how do you make it more probable? How much pain can you give yourself so that you want to change? How much promise of an enjoyable, pleasurable future can you give yourself to draw yourself towards it? Having both of these makes it very probable. If you have sufficient pain, and that doesn't mean you have to be in pain, you just have to understand the pain.

So this friend of Ian's, he didn't understand not just the impact to himself, but the impact of his wife, his sons, his family, his work colleagues. All of these people would have been impacted greatly by his loss. That could have been sufficient pain for him, to have the probability of changing. Again, it comes down to him.

If you have someone in your life for whom you want them to get better results, to maybe stop using a particular habit, a particular behaviour, using a particular mindset, you need to show them the pain so that the probability increases. You need to give them something to work toward. That shows there is a probability that they're going to change.

So the question ultimately is not "Can A leopard changes spots its spots?" Because a leopard can. The question is, what's the probability? So what's the probability of you or someone else that you care about changing their spots?

That is the key. How much can you paint a picture of the pain and the pleasure that will be removed. So the pain that's removed and the pleasure that's increased by changing to that new behaviour, mindset, habit, belief, reaction, whatever it is.

So there you go something for you to really ponder about. Crack that in the right combination, and your life can change massively. Find the pain, not the amount of pain. This isn't about putting yourself in a huge amount of pain and hitting rock bottom. This is finding the right pain, the right angle so that someone will change. Show them that the other side, when they get there, will be pleasurable. It will be enjoyable. It'll be satisfying.

Show them that, and then, they'll change. Show yourself that and then you will change.

So get out there change some spots. Not just for yourself but also the people you care about. Leopards can change. You just need to make it highly probable that they will change.

So there you go. Thanks for listening in. It's wonderful knowing that you're listening. It's wonderful to know that this is impacting your life for the better. It is the whole reason why I record this.

So take care. Look after yourself, practise all of these things. The more you practise, the easier it gets and remember our ultimate goal, and that is having a good life.

So until next time, here's to a good life.

You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

Thanks for listening.You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

You can also check out our website by clicking HERE

Thanks for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, this is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track. Welcome to the latest episode.

Do you recall as a child, where there were times where you would go to catch up with family members and you might have been 3 or 4? You could have been 8 or 9 or 10 maybe? You're told to go and say hello to a family member, and so you have to go up to this person who you may see regularly, you might not, and you have to hug them.

I myself have been through this, and I understand what it's like. However, I read something the other day and it showed me a side to that, that I had never considered before. That is how, we from a very young age, we condition our children, the young people in our lives, that there are things about their life that they have no say in, and I never contemplated before the magnitude of this one little action.

That is when we tell our children to go and say hello to a relative, to a family member, and it impacts many areas of our life, and I want you to consider it as well, not just if you've got children, but also how it may have affected you as an adult from when you were a child.

So think about this. This way, you've gone to meet up with a family member and you have a young child. This child could be yourself as a child, or it could be one of your children, and you have this child who they, unless they see people very regularly, don't have a strong recollection of the relationship with them.

So if they only see them a few times a year, which happens with extended family, they will have hesitations going up to someone and getting close to them, not just going up and talking to them but actually going up and giving them a hug or a kiss. They may feel uncomfortable with that. There are these adults for whom there is an authority, where they can command you to do certain things, and you don't have a say in it.

So you're nervous, maybe fearful. You're hesitant, and you're made to go up and get close to this person and show them affection when you may not naturally be feeling that. Now, as adults, we know that that was done to us as children, so therefore, we tend to use the same behaviour without thinking about it.

The challenge is, how that sets up a mindset that can seriously impact the rest of our lives all the way through our adulthood without us being aware of that. So if we look at this in simple stages, you have yourself being commanded by an authority figure to do something you don't want to do.

So, First Mindset Rule: You don't always get what you want.

Two. You may protest that you don't want to, and then you're again commanded to go and hug this person, show affection to them.

Second Mindset Rule: My values my wants, my desires. My fears aren't considered. Therefore, I don't get listened to.
 
You then have to go up to this person who you don't potentially know very well and you're not comfortable with. You have to get within their intimate zone, they're also in your intimate zone and you have to show them affection. So you may be uncomfortable with the way they look, the way they move. They may make contact with you, could be something about the way they smell, where you have a degree of repulsion, of hesitancy, of fear and because you are commanded to do it again.

Mindset Rule Three:, you're taught. Even if it's uncomfortable, I have to do it even if I don't want to do it. Even if I'm scared. Even if I'm worried about my safety, I have to do it. And therefore you're taught my body is not my property.

And I had never thought about this before. I read this article, and once I read it, I was like, Oh my God, this is so true. This one little incident that we don't view initially as being of such a profound impact in our life. It sets up children that way, and we do it so that the other adult doesn't feel unloved, unaccepted, whatever it is. So it's easier for us to make the child uncomfortable.

Now I know, with my nieces, with my nephews, with basically any young person now is I say to them, "Regardless of what their parents say, that they don't have to hug me." Hello, Goodbye. Whatever. Unless they want to. I respect their viewpoint about me. Now I know that they're safe with me, etc, etc. I want them to decide what they do with their body, with their emotions, with their thoughts, with their actions.

When they're around me, I want them to feel that they have that little bit of control. So for myself, I know that revisiting that from when I was younger, it was challenging because I realised how much I'd been forced to do things that I may have been uncomfortable with because it may have made other people uncomfortable. In other words, I had to be uncomfortable so that they weren't and I realised that that impacted my life these days. So I had to address that.

So now I'm very much more conscious of it. The really important thing about this is that it shows your child going back to these three mindsets that their fears, their wants, their desires, their needs are listened to, actually listened to. They are valued, they are observed, they are obeyed. That is important. That gives them confidence so that next time they're fearful, they can tell you.

The flow-on effect from this one little thing is actually quite profound. It teaches your child that they have dominion over their body. They have a degree of sovereignty over their goals, their needs, their wants, their desires, their fears, their hesitancy, their ease. This starts to build trust, respect. It gives them a better understanding of the strength that they have within a relationship. They are better able to say what they will and won't tolerate within a relationship. The impact is profound and huge.

If you currently have small children, consider this. Next time they catch up with someone, ask them if they want to go and say hello to someone. If they don't want to, don't make them. Consider the impact on them in the long term. Now, if the other person tries to force them, side with your child and say they're not comfortable at the moment. All right now, this also applies to you.

I've just suddenly remembered another part of that story where, where it originated was this woman. Her father was tickling her child, and the child wanted him to stop, and he wouldn't. So when she stepped in and asked him not to, he said, "I'm just having fun", the mother said. "But she's not. Therefore you need to stop now". He got all pouty about it and sort of went off and sulked without understanding that the child needs to feel safe. That child needs to feel valued.

And it all starts from those little moments where a child understands their power, their strength, their value, their worth. All these little moments have such a huge impact on all of us, on all of us. So I know this one's a little bit heavy, and I'm trying to keep it a little bit light, however, the severity of the impact can't be understated. It is profound. It is huge.

If you want children that are strong, capable, independent, all of this sort of thing, they need to understand that they are listened to, that they have somewhere they can be safe. So if they have people who understand and respect their boundaries, they will feel safe. I know when my boys were little, if we were wrestling or fighting, I was all right with everything except for kicking because that hurt, no matter how small they were, kicking hurts. So I had to explain to them "I'm okay with us doing anything. If you kick though it stops".

So I always made sure that no matter what we were doing, even though it might be rough and tumble because I had boys, I wanted them to know that they could also stop it at any time, so they can tap out and go. "No, I'm not comfortable any more". Doing this for your Children helps you. It helps them. That helps everyone. It lets them know that there is respect. There is trust, there is understanding, and that builds connection, which they will need later on in their life.

Also, revisit this for yourself as a child, so think about the times where maybe you were made to do something that you didn't want to do, and if it's impacted you now as to who you are. So it's a little bit heavy and a little bit to think about. I want you to feel comfortable exploring it so that you can become more of who you are. To stand up for your boundaries. Stand up for what you want, what you're fearful of.

It allows you to then, to be more open so that you can do, you know, whatever healing or exploration that you need to do to become the best version of you. So I know this one's probably been a little heavy. Things in life do get heavy sometimes. So I hope you're a little more comfortable exploring it, thinking about it and the way that it impacts us and the people that we care about. So, yeah, that's it for today.

Teach your child that they can say no and also teach your own inner child that they can say no, that it's okay to say no. If other people get upset, that's their journey. It's nothing to do with you. Make sure your journey is good and congruent with yourself.

There we go. Get out there. Practise it. Let your children know that it's OK as well. And then everyone's life can be that little bit better, which is ultimately what we're after. So that's it for today. Enjoy yourself. Look after yourself. Thanks for listening.

As always, my podcast is expanding. Feel free to share it with people that you care about, and I'll catch you on the next episode. Until then, here's to a good life

You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

Thanks for listening.You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

You can also check out our website by clicking HERE

Thanks for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, this is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track.

Welcome to the latest episode. I have been married before, as you probably realise, from listening to my podcasts, and one of the things that I have had as a challenge, which is the same challenge that anyone has when they get married, is in laws.

Now we've all heard the stories about in-laws that are a real pain in the butt, and we've heard the jokes about in-laws, and we've heard a lot of these negatives. A lot of the time we see the in-laws as an unwanted piece of baggage, something that we don't want to deal with, someone that seems to give us more headaches than anything else.

Where a lot of people struggle and make their first mistake is when they meet someone, they meet them and they say, "Wow, this is a really nice person. I like them", and after a period of time, you fall in love. Once you're deep enough in love, you think "Wow, maybe I could spend my whole life with this person".

Then you get married and you start having to contend with the in-laws. The problem is, a lot of people forget that when you hook up with someone, unless they've been orphaned and they have literally no family, you're going to have to contend with in-laws. You're going to have to contend with a mother, and a father, and siblings, and uncles, and aunties, and cousins, and friends, and all of these people come along.

Now they all obviously love and care for this person and connect with them, especially the friends, because they choose to be with them. Relatives, you have them by default and they're with them. Because of that reason, they may not necessarily be a match for you. So you could be a match for your partner, but not necessarily a match with your in-laws, and that means the problems start, the challenges start, the obstacles are created.

Now, how is this possible? How does this happen? It happens because there is, and a lack of understanding around that initial part of whether or not you match. I want to give you a couple of pointers to help with dealing with in-laws, and this is something that's pretty important to bear in mind.

I may not cover all the points here, however, what I give you will make a big difference to where you're currently at or where you may be in the future, depending on whether you're in a relationship already or whether you're going to be in one at some point in the future.

So when you hook up with someone, these people come by default. Now you don't have to like them. You don't have to love them. Same as anyone that's in your life. You don't have to like them or love them. You choose to. The way you can make this easier, is to understand this little scenario, and I learned this one from a chap by the name of Pat Mesiti, and he used this little story when his teenage daughter was out and she wasn't home by the time she said she'd be home and he couldn't contact her on the phone.

Like any parent, he was worried, and when she came home, he was obviously distressed, and she was trying to tell him that it was nothing and she was OK and everything like that, and he used this metaphor to explain to her why he was so concerned.

He asked her "If I had a million dollars and I put it in a suitcase and I left it outside the front door. Would that be wise of me?" And his daughter said "No, I'd think you're an idiot to leave something out there of such value where it could be stolen." He said to his daughter, "Well, you're worth a lot more to me than that million dollars" and she started to connect to "I'm out there and I'm of great value to my father, therefore, he needs to know that I'm safe, that I am going to make it home safely and that his investment in me is worth it."

So when you get a partner, regardless of their age, they have people that have invested a lot of time in them. So mothers, fathers, siblings, extended family, friends. All these people have spent time with this person, and it could be they could be building them up or tearing them down, it doesn't matter. They have this history, and you're coming into that as an outsider, so if you bear that in mind, that you're the fly in the ointment, the lump in the gravy, so to speak, that you are the one who is the outsider, not them, they come as part of the package deal.

So if you just bear in mind from their point of view, they're concerned about the impact of this person. No-one wants to see someone we love getting hurt. We don't want to see that. We know it's possible. It may happen. That's what happens in life. Sometimes we get upset, sometimes we get hurt. We just don't want it to be unnecessary. So this was one of the things I realised with a lot of my in-laws. So I actually put the effort into getting to know these people and understand them.

Now. Luckily for me, they were all pretty decent people, so they were easier to like and respect and have trust with and all of this sort of thing than it would be for other people that maybe I had more challenges with. I would have still put the same amount of effort in even if I didn't necessarily like them, because I knew they were part of the package that came with my partner. If you always bear that one in mind that you are the outsider and you're not winning them over.

All right, this isn't about a manipulation or anything like that. It's getting to the point where you can see something in them that you enjoy, that you like being around with, where you can connect, and then your relationship with them can grow and evolve and become better. You have to understand, though, that you're the outsider and vice versa. When your partner meets up with your family, your friends, your parents, your siblings, they have that same challenge.

So bear in mind that they're going to be coming in and being uncomfortable trying to find that common ground with your family. So you have to understand that that's their journey as well as yours into their world. So if you just start with this one little thing in mind, it will make your relationship a lot easier.

I'll give you an example for myself that I used understanding this very same principle that I'm talking about. When I married my wife, we couldn't do the traditional father of the bride handing her over to me because her father had passed. I lost my mother years ago as well. So we both lost a parent, so we understood each other in that regard. I knew that her mother would be concerned about her daughter, because obviously she's put all that effort into raising her. She wants to know that her daughter is safe and going to be looked after, and all of these sorts of things that every parent worries about.

What I did is, I wrote a letter to her mother explaining that I understood that she was worried about whether she had made a good choice. I assured her that I would do my absolute best to look after her, to support her and to be the sort of husband that she can be proud of. When her culture gets married, they do an exchanging of gifts. So people come up and they give you a little gift, a memento for the day to make it special, and when her mother came up, she gave my wife a gift, and then she gave me one, and I thanked her, and then I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out this envelope and handed it to her. My wife's like, "What's that?" And I said "Nothing! You'll find out later" and her mom took this away and she read it and it took her a little while to process it and to understand it and to see the evidence of that being true.

The wonderful thing was I pre-framed her about what I was going to do, and then I followed through. So she saw that I was congruent between what I would say and what I would do. That means she has then trust in me, trust that I'm going to do what I said I was going to do. She has respect because I'm looking after her daughter. So we have a really cool relationship. Because of this, I understood that her family came as a package deal. So I had to get her brother, and her sisters and all the extended family and nieces and all of that, they all came as part of the deal and the friends.

So all I did was took the time to understand they had this history. So I listened to what they've been through, what they've done together, what they've talked about, what they've experienced, so I could see their world together, their history together. I could understand who she got on with, who she might be having challenges with and why, and then I could support her properly.

So I used her world to support my relationship with her. So know that your in laws don't have to be a bad thing. It can be. If you want to be ignorant and butt heads with them and have challenges, they are going to happen anyway. You're going to have times when you don't agree with them, and that's OK. You don't have to agree with them.

Finding common ground of respect and trust and all of these things will help you create a better relationship. So if you currently have a challenge with an in-law, pause and look at it from a bit of a pulled back situation, where you can see it for what it is, look at where you might have that challenge and how you might make that a little easier for both of you.

So see that they might be concerned about something, and then you can address that so that they feel more comfortable and assured that you're going to do the right thing by that person that you've chosen. So that's one thing that I found has helped me immensely with in-laws, is understanding that history that comes with my partner.

 So if you want to make your relationship with your in laws easier, that's what you need to do is find that common ground. Find that situation where you can explore and understand each other. Then, at some point it will all start to come together. You'll develop more of a relationship, and that will make your relationship with your partner easier.

 So, instead of family get-togethers being a real pain in the butt, they can be something that can deepen your relationship with your partner just by finding that common ground.

So, there you go. Have fun with it. Yes, it's a challenge. It's worth it though, it's worth it. When you see the depth of connection you can make with their friends, with their extended family, with their immediate family, and because of that, how much it can deepen your relationship with your partner.

So again it takes effort, it takes work, it takes attention. The results from it though make it thoroughly worthwhile, so get out there, practise it, persist and get the results.

Thanks for listening. And remember, here's to a good life.

You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

Thanks for listening.

You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

You can also check out our website by clicking HERE

Thanks for listening.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.