Life Check Yourself

Marni and Chris connect to extract real-life dating lessons from the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise. Unexpected break ups, playing the victim after heartbreak, and saying I love you first add to the intrigue and appeal as we say goodbye to yet another season.  

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• How to tell what a guy is really thinking
• How to break up well
• Staying out of victim after a breakup
• When to say I love you
• Can someone truly change? 

At the beginning of the season, Marni and Chris agreed that James seemed like a good dude. When he started dating Anna everyone including her, thought it was a good solid connection. But as soon as Anna declared she wanted to follow through with a relationship, James snappishly said he wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship right now and took off with Aaron. 

Marni says James is emotionally unavailable and he may never be satisfied. When producers asked, he couldn't pinpoint what was missing in the relationship with Anna. Likely, no one will ever be the right one. 

Even if you are looking for a long-term relationship, if you don't do the work you will get the same results. 

Aaron, who quickly rode off into the sunset with James, was dating Tia. His breakup with Tia was not the decent goodby that James gave Anna. Marni says it mirrored how 5th graders breakup, instantly and carelessly. Aaron feigned interest in Anna when answering to the producers but never fully committed because he is emotionally unavailable.

Is a guy really ready for a relationship? 

• Do his actions match his words? 
• Does he hang out with grown-up children? 
• Does he have long-term relationship goals? 

If you are of a certain age and claim you want to be in a relationship — invest in it and be committed to it.

Natasha was a great example of what it looks like to date maturely. 

How to Breakup Well [15:36]

The shocking breakup of the show was Abigail and Noah. Abigail told everyone she was in love with Noah but never mustered up the courage to tell him. She created something in her head instead of focusing on the facts. She seemed more interested in playing the victim to prove herself right rather than starting a relationship. 

By telling the woe-is-me story you stay in a woe-is-me situation. 

How to stay composed during a heartbreak? 

• Be aware of how you are feeling
• Clearly articulate your feelings
• Be emotionally intelligent enough to manage your emotions

During a break up emotional meltdowns can happen. The important part is how you repair the situation afterward. 

It is easy to fall into unhealthy defaults if you don't stay mindful. The universe will keep showing you what you need to learn. Feedback and support from a relationship expert can help.

Who Should Say I Love You First [33:40]

Marni is open-minded about who should say I love you first. As long as it comes from a place of wholeness, not from a place of fear. The guy doesn't need to say it first. Let go of the rules. 

Serena decides to tell Joe she loves him. He admits he was going to tell her later in the date. Joe is an authentic guy who dates maturely.

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Marni welcomes relationship expert Jayson Gaddis into the Den to discuss lessons gleaned from his latest book, Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships. In addition to being an author and coach who teaches people how to do relationships, Jayson is also the host of the long-running The Relationship School Podcast. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• What is conflict in a relationship
• Tips for working through conflict in a relationship
• Becoming a relational leader
• Creating a baseline of where feels good to both partners
• Avoiding inner conflict

Jayson defines conflict as a rupture, disconnection, or an unresolved issue between two people. Conflict can be voiced or the stuff we are not saying. We are all challenging when it comes to interpersonal dynamics. especially if we live together. 

Silence is one of the worst conflicts. It can be extremely brutal for some. Those most susceptible to silence or a lack of response can make stuff up in their mind to fill the space — especially with those who are triggered by abandonment or rejection. 

Jayson adds that the most successful relationships he has witnessed are those where both partners are willing to embrace conflict and get better at it over time. 

Getting to Zero [11:01]

Many people do not know how to work through conflict. They may be scared to lose the other person and lean into manipulation or childish behavior. Jayson says, it can make us feel vulnerable to put ourselves out there and humans are naturally sensitive to rejection. 

The right person wants to create a connection and get to zero. What is zero? In his book, Jayson describes zero as a happy place where both partners feel good and connected. A baseline. We want to have a baseline that feels safe, secure, and good. 

Conflict can rupture the baseline. Returning to baseline (zero) as a couple is the goal. One person can't do it alone. It takes two.

Become a Relational Leader in a High-stakes Relationship  [16:32]

We often get hurt and angry during a conflict but someone has to be the first to initiate repair and interconnection. A leader has to realize what is good for the relationship and do the right thing. 

Relationship Tip — When you are in a conflict or snag, decide how you can get zero as a team. You want to have multiple ways to get back to zero. 

One way is to stay in the same room and look each other in the eyes. Jayson says, when we are not looking our partner in the eye we go into memory and all the negative memories can bubble up. 

When dealing with conflict in a relationship, maintain eye contact. See the person, not the story.

People want relational space to be fair. And, fair is taking responsibility for your 50% of the relationship. Fair means both partners are invested in finding the solution to conflict.

Relationship Tip — Consider the three entities in your relationship. You, your partner, and your relationship. Each needs to be nurtured and understood.

Fighting and conflict are what lead us to deeper understandings of ourselves and each other.

Anytime you avoid outer conflict you are creating inner conflict because you are withholding your truth. You betray yourself to keep the connection.

Relationship Tool — LUFU: Listen Until they Feel Understood

If the security of a relationship is threatened by the behavior of one, move on because the relationship is not safe for both people.

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Getting to Zero Book

Jayson Gaddis

Marni and Chris join forces to dissect the real-life dating lessons extracted from the 3-hour case studies openly provided by Bachelor in Paradise. The contestants may be on TV, but they date just like the rest of us.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• What to do when something feels off and a guy pulls away
• How to stay positive when you feel rejected
• Dating long-distance and making plans for the future
• Catching someone in a lie

When something feels off, it can be a tough thing to decipher. Is it your intuition speaking out? Are you imagining it? Or, is self-sabotage rearing its ugly face. Does the other person feel it too?

In the show, Kenny feels that something is off with Mari yet he says nothing. Mari on the other hand feels that something is off with Kenny because he is acting differently after saying ‘I love you’.

Marni says as soon as a relationship starts to get deep, people get vulnerable but then second guess the feelings they just shared. Chris adds that it is hard for a guy to admit they are insecure or scared about how a relationship is going and to have relationship conversations. 

The faster you can tell your partner something feels off, the better. Telling your friends or therapist doesn't get you closer to understanding what is going on. 

Staying Positive When You Feel Rejected [11:59]

James, McKenna, and Abigail all have experience with being rejected but they all handle it differently. James is confident, resilient, and seems not to take rejection personally. When Aaron tells McKenna he is working through some stuff, she immediately lashes out and calls him a jerk. And, Abigail just sabotages herself by acting coy when Noah openly shares his feelings for her.

If you take too long to lean in, someone with self-worth may not wait for you. 

Abigail set herself up. She didn’t ask Noah clear questions when they began dating. Even after Noah breaks up, Abigail doesn’t take the opportunity to ask why.

If a guy tells you what he is feeling, if it's not what you want to hear, don't blame him. 

If you want a clear answer, ask a clear question

What To Do When You Catch Someone in a Lie [34:45]

If you are casually dating someone and you catch them in a lie if they are your person, check-in and ask them what's up. If they are not your person, Marni says you don't need to confront them. 

On the show, a guy told a lie to Chelsea and she didn’t confront him with it because she probably didn't care enough about him to enough to say something. 

Ladies, if you are in a relationship you have to address it. You have to find out why. Chris admits to lying about his age when online dating to outwit the algorithm.

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Marni welcomes behavioral scientist turned dating coach and author Logan Ury into the Den to discuss the top dating tips from her book, How Not to Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love. Logan is the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, where she leads a research team that specializes in helping people find love.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• A behavioral science approach to dating
• Biggest mistakes people make when dating
• Managing expectations
• Why feeling a spark with someone may not lead to lasting love
• Combating dating burnout 

Many women discount dating quality men because a man doesn't check every single box for them. Logan says people are wrong about who they think they should be with. She recommends dating like a scientist. Collect evidence and be curious.

The key is to have an open mind while figuring out what kind of person will make you happy. Then, test your assumptions.

Logan points out the three types of dating tendencies —

1. The Romanticizer — has unrealistic expectations of love and relationships.
2. The Maximizer — has unrealistic expectations of the other person.
3. The Hesitator — has unrealistic expectations of themselves. 

Why You Should Start Dating Now [9:47]

Dating is a relational dynamic that occurs between you and another person. People can spend years doing personal development work to get ready to date but the only way to truly prepare is by dating. Ladies, you can’t just sit in your living room.

Logan points out that a lot of people have been hurt in the past. And many,  date from a place of fear. They want to protect themselves against future hurts. But, people can work on themselves while they are meeting people. 

We are all works in progress. Marni adds that we never know what our intimacy challenges are unless we put ourselves out there. 

Demystifying the Spark [13:45]

The ‘spark’ has become the word that describes feeling butterflies when a person is attracted to another person. Logan warns that many people expect to have a RomCom moment where they will know right away if it is love, but she says it's not likely that it will happen. 

3 Myths of the Spark

1. A spark is an immediate connection
2. If you feel the spark it must be a good thing
3. Feeling a spark must mean it is true love 

Logan says f**k the spark and go for the slow burn. Choose someone reliable, shows up for you, and is the person you can grow into love with instead of starting off hot.

Tips for Online Dating [20:27]

As the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, Logan sees the data of dating. She says the pandemic caused a sort of Relationship Renaissance. People are being more intentional in dating. People want intimacy and connection more than casual hook-ups. 

Tips to maximize your video date: 

1. Look your best with good lighting and a good camera angle.
2. Explore dating in a new way. Do something you may not be able to do on a regular date.
3. Use the time as an opportunity to find out who the person is.

Face-to-face communication was difficult during the pandemic. When you get down to brass tacks it is the value of relationships that stands out. Intimate relationships have become more important to people. Dating is more important to people now. And, as a result, people are showing up with the intention to find a partner.

Be empowered! The guy doesn't have to come to you. Dating should be fun and playful & it's not about playing hard to get. 

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Logan Ury’s Book — How Not to Die Alone

Marni and Chris Gillis are back discussing the real-life dating lessons gleaned from this season of Bachelor in Paradise. They unpack why the ‘spark’ may be leading Tia to attract emotionally unavailable men, why Kendall should not be looking to Joe for consolation, and how sharing emotions turned Riley from bicep-guy to boyfriend material.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• How to get a guy to pursue you 
• How to know when a guy won’t pursue you
• Who should say I love you first
• How to get a guy to express himself to you
• The key to successful dating

Should your ex be the person that consoles you when you are in a new relationship? Should you stay friends? Marni and Chris adamantly say no. When you break up, even if you had an intimate relationship, you should let it be over. If you have kids together you will always have a connection, but keep it about the kids. 

In the show, Kendall runs to her ex, plays the victim to get Joe to console her. Marni felt like Joe was uncomfortable and Joe is over Kendall. Deep down some women think if they fall into the victim they can manipulate their ex into wanting them again. Marni says women manufacture conditions or circumstances in an attempt to rekindle a relationship with their ex. But, ladies, it doesn’t make you feel any better! 

Do not run back to your ex! You wouldn't want your new boyfriend to console his ex. Bottom line, your ex shouldn't be your best friend or your emotional confidant. Even if a guy is willing, don't do it.

Don’t Trust a Spark [11:36]

A spark is basically a chemical reaction when you meet someone. The physical spark doesn’t last. It doesn't matter how attractive a person is, things can still go sour. Don't base an entire relationship on hotness because eventually, it won’t keep a relationship together. 

In the show, Tia is a perfect example of how this backfires. She has a history of going for unavailable men. She is interested in two guys, both attractive. James is making an effort but she doesn't feel the spark. Then with Blake, she has big chemistry but he is kind of a douche. James is the better candidate for her but she may be too emotionally unavailable to see it.

It's hard for a relationship to work when one person is emotionally unavailable and the other isn't. Marni says, it is easy to blame things on other people but ask yourself if you are truly being open with the other person and creating the space for connection. Chris adds, when ladies open up and share, it adds a completely different dimension to them. 

Riley is a great example of how letting vulnerability shine through can transform how other people perceive you. When he opens up to Marissa he becomes much more than a muscle-bound menace. He just may be long-term boyfriend material.

When someone shows us they are not perfect it makes us feel that we don't have to be perfect either.  

The Key to Dating is to Not Take Things Personally [27:56]

In the show, Natasha has been dating unsuccessfully. But, when Ed asked her out she seemed open and honest during the date with him. If she had taken the unsuccessful dating attempts in the past personally she may have been guarded about letting herself be open to Ed.

If you meet someone who tells you everything you want to hear and then find out it was a front, don’t make it about yourself. Sure you might feel stupid for falling for them but it truly has nothing to do with you and everything to do about them.

The key to successful dating is not to take things personally.

Chris asks Marni how ladies can trust that being vulnerable is the best way to date when things don't work out with a guy they are attracted to. Marni says past traumas can cause us to be hypervigilant when dating. We collect evidence about why we need to put up walls to protect ourselves. 

If you are someone who is continually disappointed in dating Marni says: 

• Take the focus off what is wrong with the guys you pick.
• Ask yourself what pattern causes you to pick the wrong kind of guy.

True vulnerability is always attractive. 

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Marni welcomes the Founder and Chairman of the Optimum Health Clinic which is one of the world’s leading integrative medicine clinics.  Alex is also the creator of the Therapeutic Coaching Methodology and the In Therapy with Alex Howard, Youtube series. They discuss what may be keeping you stuck from having deeper, more intimate connections.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Breaking free from who you think you should be
• Finding your authentic self
• Unpacking and healing childhood patterns
• Trusting the divine 

Alex was mired in his inability to have a happy, lasting relationship. He suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome as a teen. As a result, he proactively began a long-term healing journey. He trained to become a therapist. He discovered his first true love in life was psychology. In his mid-20s, after he had attained everything he thought he wanted out of life, but was miserable when it came to relationships. 

Alex started to believe he couldn't have a long-term relationship. He found dating healthy but he wanted something more.

The problem, he determined, was how he was showing up in relationships. He was being the person he thought he needed to be instead of who he truly was. He was coming from an inauthentic place, his idealized self. It wasn’t serving him because he couldn't sustain that image in a long-term relationship. He also had an idea of who he thought he needed to be with. 

Men long for deeper relationships too!

Masks that Block Emotional Intimacy [17:42]

Alex points out that both men and women develop masks derived from how they were treated as a child, as coping strategies. We may wear a mask of independence because we were scolded for being weak as a child. Or, a mask of a helper because as children we were adored when we did things for other people. The problem, he says, is in our relationships those masks can keep us trapped. What we need is to have others relate to us as our authentic selves.

The vulnerabilities we feel we need to hide from the world are often the ones that create the most intimacy in relationships.  

How to Break Free From the Mask [26:18]

Building intimate relationships with another person requires building safety with one another. Alex says the key to breaking free of the masks behind what we are trying to hide is:

• Awareness — Soften the grip of patterns by recognizing them when they happen and consider why you are hiding.

You can’t heal what you don’t feel. 

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In Therapy with Alex Howard on Youtube

Marni welcomes the co-founder of the video speed dating app, Filter Off, Zach Schleien. Zach is a TEDx speaker who knows dating. His passions are technology, health, and creating authentic connections. Zach and the app have been featured in the New York Times and BBC.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• What makes video dating efficient 
• How Filter Off differs from other online dating apps
• Eliminate online catfishing
• Quickly find like-minded people to date
• Best practices for branding yourself online

People are more comfortable with video since the pandemic started. Now is the time for Filter Off video speed dating since Zoom meetings and virtual chat groups are commonplace. Pre-pandemic people wouldn't always agree to a video chat. Video is the future of online dating and for good reason.  

Zach says video dating is here to stay because people are more comfortable with the technology. Plus, it is efficient. Instead of texting back and forth with a person who just may be catfishing you, women are able to get a feel for who a guy really is. It makes it easier to make an intimate connection and filter out the bad apples.

Making Great Video Connections [6:54]

Filter Off offers multiple ways to make great connections. Make a short video, add your gender and age preferences, and allow Filter Off to offer you matches. You have five days to set up a video date after matches are offered.

There are private communities and there are interest-based communities. For example, if you are into running, there’s an interest-based group for runners, and you automatically find like-minded people. 

There are virtual speed dating events. Start chatting, be curious, and share your passions. Filter Off will ask you if the person you are chatting with is a match. If not, move on. If so, set up a short video date. Filter Off even supplies ice breaker questions to get the conversation going. 

Video Dating Hacks [18:41]

Zach recommends getting on a video date as soon as possible. This process is so much more efficient and people get a truer sense of one another. Who wouldn’t want to find their real match faster? 

Video speed dating allows people to connect for 90 seconds and then decide if it is a match or pass. 

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Filter Off Dating App

Marni and Chris discuss the dating lessons gleaned from the latest episode of Bachelor in Paradise. They touch on great basic dating tips to how to get past your childhood wounds and date like an adult.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Rekindling with an Ex
• Having sex on the first date 
• Playing the victim when you don’t get what you want
• Dealing with anxiety while dating
• Overcoming insecurity

Kendall, Grocery Store Joe’s ex-fiance, comes back to see if the relationship can be rekindled. They obviously share a physical attraction and connect on many things, but Kendall doesn’t want to talk about why they ended things in the first place. They have goals and values that don’t match up. Joe wants to live in Chicago. Kendall likes L.A.

Chris loves that relationships can be rekindled but warns guys if they get a second shot don't chase the girl. 

Marni says rejection is God's protection. If you are dating someone and you are unable to resolve the 69% of perpetual problems and you can't manage conflict the relationship will probably not work out in the long run. Love is necessary but it's not enough. 

To get back with your ex — You have to agree about the problem you broke up over and work through it.

Stay cautiously optimistic and not rush toward exclusivity. 

Then they discuss Disaster Demi.  She gets upset when Kenny dates other people after they sleep together. She tries to seduce him again and Kenny is obviously over it. Marni notes if you make a decision to sleep with someone, communicate your expectations around it or assume it means nothing. Demi turns into a victim when she doesn't get what she wants and it is off-putting.

Leading with sex is not the way to a quality guy's heart. 

How to Deal with the Anxiety When You Really Like a Guy [17:11]

How Marissa acts when Riley is out with other people is an example of the ugly side of anxiety. Marissa had never been on a real date and admits she has walls up. During her date with Riley, she has sex with him. Then when Riley goes to a disco, Marissa freaks out. She likes him so much she is leaking insecurity everywhere. She doesn't feel worthy and it is not attractive. 

If you find yourself feeling insecure:

1. You are not comfortable in your worthiness
2. Wounded parts of you get triggered and you don't know how to self-soothe
3. You don't know how to manage your emotions

Chris points out that we act like the worst versions of ourselves when we are most excited about getting what we want. He says it is when we tend to fall apart and self-sabotage.

If you are a woman who gets anxious when you like a guy: 

1. Have healthy coping mechanisms, soothe yourself, and look on the bright side
2. Consider what you are learning from the situation and focus on the adjustments you need to make. 
3. Get advice from a trained expert.

Attracted to the Same Guy as Your Friend? [34:52]

In dating, until you have the exclusivity conversation, it is important to remember that you don't own a person. Many women get into trouble when they form unhealthy attachments. You have to be honest with yourself and even if you have gone out with the guy a few times you have to trust the process. If he wants to date someone else, so be it. 

Remember you are dating to try and find your person. 

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Marni welcomes the Wall Street Journal bestselling author of Battle-tested CEO Krister Ungerböck to the podcast to discuss a communication framework that can save relationships at work and home. Krister shares simple verbal shifts that can transform conversations, reduce conflict, and create intimacy within your relationships. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Ask questions without making people defensive
• Create safety in a relationship
• What makes words so powerful
• Bring awareness to a relationship issue in a playful way

TalkShift is a communication framework Krister developed after watching many of his business and personal relationships fall apart. Two weeks after stepping down from his position as CEO, his wife walked out on him. He thought he was a good leader but later realized no one wanted to be in a relationship with him. 

We don't need to change people, we just need to change our words 

Krister describes what makes language powerful and how to  use the question words, how and why to ask a question without making the other person defensive. He advises using a scale to understand the true depth of a person’s feelings.

Solve Problems in a Playful Way [17:23]

Research shows that men tend to thrive upon the approval and encouragement from their female partners. This means when a woman criticizes or doesn't offer encouragement to a man, it feels as if he is taking an emotional hit. 

Women tend to leave a relationship twice as frequently as men. 

Marni and Krister both openly share a personal experience about a communication gap in their current relationships. In both instances, an unintentional repetitive pattern plays out during conversations. Krister says by bringing the habit into awareness and giving it a name, the issue can be resolved in a playful way without causing resentment or anger. 

A subtle, non-intentional repetitive manner of communication can erode a relationship, or someone's self-esteem in a relationship. 

Creating Intimacy From Conflict [30:35]

Krister points out that whenever we find ourselves angry there is always an underlying driver. There are four underlying feelings, being afraid, ashamed, guilty, or sad. A key to dissolving anger is to ask yourself what is behind your anger. Then choose one of the four underlying feelings. This will help to get to the root cause of an issue and allow us the freedom to discuss what is truly bothering us.  

We all have triggers. Knowing our partners triggers makes it easier to give them a pass. When our partner is triggered don’t expect to have a deep conversation right away. Let the moment pass and then have deeper conversations about what sets each other off when the situation has passed. 

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TalkShift

Krister

Marni and Chris get together to discuss what insane people do when they are dating that they don't think they do. After watching the double episode of Bachelor in Paradise, Marni took away the obvious dating lessons to share. If you think the way to get a quality guy is to be the ‘cool girl' or you are afraid to commit because you don't want to miss out, there are great lessons for you in this episode. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Why to Date Multiple People Simultaneously
• Break Patterns of Self-Sabotage
• Being Resilient in Dating
• Confidence is Attractive

What makes Kenny the most desirable guy in this group? Kenny is 40 and relatively mature. Chris thinks all the chicks are fighting over him because he seems to be comfortable in his own skin. Kenny is dating with dignity. He is not doing douche-baggy things. He makes it clear he is ready for a long-term relationship. 

Mari tells Kenny she wants to date other people. He responds by telling her he will be doing the same. And, while dating multiple people at the same time is dignified and can help you figure out who will make a good partner. The way Mari delivered the message left a lot to be desired. 

Kenny is dating multiple people at the same time to find a long-term partner. 

Marni says if you are afraid to commit and are dating someone who has self-worth, when you tell the other person you want to see other people, you should mean it. A person who has self-worth, like Kenny, will not take it personally and do what you suggest. Kenny slept with Demi shortly after Mari spoke with him. 

Quality Guys Get Bored When You Self-Sabotage [20:07]

If you have a pattern of sabotaging your relationships, it is likely guys you are dating will become disinterested. Consider if you are putting all of your cards on the table, or whether you make it too hard for him to take things to the next level. He might just get bored and find someone else who is easy to date.

Abigail is an example of someone who doesn’t open up and reciprocate feelings. She admits to being a self-sabotager but she can’t seem to break the pattern. Noah says he will try to break down her walls but after a while, he will become disinterested. It is tragic.  

How to Be Resilient in Dating [29:28]

Aaron displays a great example of resilience after Tammy dumps him.  Even though he was really bummed out he did not let it impact his ability to stay true to his goal. He didn’t take it personally, he didn’t go into victim, and he shifted his energy.

If someone informs you they want to stop dating, give yourself time to be bummed out but get over it. Stay in the game and make another connection.

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