Life Check Yourself

Marni welcomes Licensed Psychotherapist Terri Cole to the Life Check Yourself podcast. Terri is a global relationship and empowerment expert, the author of Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free, and podcast host. She offers up tips for single ladies who date, how-to say no with ease and grace, and her effective Boundary Blueprint. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Effective Communication Skills
• How to Set Personal Boundaries
• How to Say No with Ease and Grace
• Dating Red Flags

Terri describes boundaries as personal rules of engagement. Guidelines we set to let other people know what is ok and what is not ok with us. They are rules specifically customized around our limits, values, and deal-breakers. They let people know how to treat us.

When we were young most of us were told to be good kids and do things for other people whether we wanted to or not. This means, most of us were raised to be self-abandoning, people-pleasing, co-dependents.  Almost all of us have disordered boundaries. 

Terri says boundaries are a language we can learn. We got corrupted data and that creates a twisted sense of self, value, and worth. It is a complicated aspect of our personality. In her book, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free she has step-by-step instructions on how to set healthy boundaries. 

When we do things for others that they can and should be doing for themselves we can become bitter and burnt out. It is absolutely okay to say no without an explanation of why you are saying no. 

The amount of self-respect, self-love, and self-worth we feel for ourselves sets the bar for every other relationship in our lives. Whether we know it or not. 

The Boundary Blueprint [15:33]

If you don't set boundaries, you will be a martyr only doing things for people out of a corrupted sense of responsibility. You may try to make people feel guilty and you will give corrupted data about yourself to the people in your life so they won't authentically know you. And, how can anyone authentically love you if you don't allow them to authentically know you or you don't authentically know yourself?

To get started: Get clear about where you need a boundary, then

• Do a resentment inventory
• Make a simple request
• Don't change the rules

Single women should value their time and not get stuck in the pen pal zone when a guy texts but won’t ask you out. Ask him to take things to the next level. Who has time to waste? Not empowered single women.

Set boundaries in the dating realm, early and often. 

A woman who has healthy boundaries says something when someone doesn’t keep their word. She pushes back when a guy doesn't call when he says he will. She doesn't collude with a guy's twisted sense of reality when he thinks his time is more valuable than she is.

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Boundary Boss

In this Check Your Life podcast, Marni and Chris break down the real-life dating lessons from the most recent episode of the Bachelorette. Bachelorette Michelle is throwing out a lot of pink flags, and it has the guys confused. The guys need to know exactly what she wants but she or the producers are creating a lot of inconsistencies and confusion.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Are you leaking your insecurities?
• Do you pick guys who tell you what you want to hear?
• Is your feminine energy blocked by your masculine energy?
• Does your style enhance who you are or cover it up? 

The show starts off with Michelle’s date with Martin. Marni finds Martin distracting and thinks he is trying very hard to make a statement with his image. A Stylist on the Life Check Yourself team says if your image shows up before you do, you are hiding in your clothes. People should notice you, not what you are wearing. 

Your style should showcase you, not cover up who you are.

Marni and Chris offer some tips for when you find yourself on a date with Mr. Try Hard. Basically, when dating IRL don’t fall for a guy’s potential! There is a chance Martin could change, but it is not likely. Marni and Chris agree he is a boy who is not ready to be engaged.

The Slumber Party [15:12]

Viewers may never know if this group activity was designed to invoke drama but it sure seemed like it. The producers put the guys in silky pajamas but then in a masculine environment. Chris says it had to be staged. Someone knew the guys would not make a love connection because they were in battle mode due to all the testosterone in the room. 

Michelle shows up and none of the guys pay attention to her. She obviously wanted more attention yet she didn’t get involved she sat and sulked. She says she didn't feel seen. She scolds the guys for not giving her what she wanted which surprised them because she had not told them what she wanted.

Marni says Michelle is a classic example of a woman who is extremely pretty and smart and should be super confident but something in her childhood left her insecure. She should speak to a life coach or therapist.

When you feel small your vibe is small. 

Let Your Feminine Energy Shine Through [29:39]

Michelle displays a lot of masculine energy. She dresses very feminine to try and balance it out. Michelle is a basketball, tomboy-type girl yet the producers have her dressed in heels and ball gowns. It must be so confusing for the guys. 

If a guy doesn't know where he stands or what you want he will do nothing. 

Marni believes it is giving her the friendzone vibe which confuses the guys because they signed up to get engaged. Chris says the guys are having a hard time reading her because she isn't being flirtatious.

Make a Connection:

• Visit Our Websites, Dating With Dignity and Institute For Living Courageously
• Join Our Life Check Yourself Community Here!
• Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
• Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
• Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
• Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

In this Life Check Yourself podcast, Marni facilitates a live coaching episode with Michelle. Michelle has been divorced for almost eight years. She has been dating for a while but seems to sabotage relationships when she starts falling for a guy because she is scared. Marni offers her some tools to use when she feels herself pulling away.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Redefining what a high-quality guy is
• Creating emotional safety 
• Being compassionate with your process
• How to stop sabotaging relationships

Michelle dates outgoing, professional guys who are fun to be with but elusive. They look good on paper and check all the boxes and should-haves. What is holding Michelle back is that internally she feels as soon as things start going well she will become disappointed. Therefore, she never achieves emotional intimacy with them, even after dating for a couple of years. This stems from having her feelings hurt and not feeling heard when she was a child. 

There is a difference between being cautiously optimistic and having expectations. 

Michelle doesn’t trust her feelings because no one validated her as a child. Deep down she fears abandonment. She recognizes she feels stuck and needs to nurture the little girl inside of her. 

The Path to Meet a High-Quality Man [27:03]

Marni offers Michelle the tools to help her connect to her intuition and her essence. When she empowers herself to have the emotional intelligence she wants to have, she will feel emotionally safe and grounded. Marni reminds her that we attract who we are. If she is emotionally open, she will attract a man who is also emotionally open. 

By creating our own emotional safety we start attracting people into our lives who are emotionally available.

Michelle is going to:

• Be more compassionate with her process. 
• Address her little girl inside and reassure and validate her. 
• Recognize when she starts to feel scared and calm herself.
• Start trusting herself and allow herself to be optimistic about relationships.

Make a Connection:

• Visit Our Websites, Dating With Dignity and Institute For Living Courageously
• Join Our Life Check Yourself Community Here!
• Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
• Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
• Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
• Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

In this Life Check Yourself podcast, Marni and Chris discuss the dating traps exhibited by the guy contestants in the latest episode of the Bachelorette. Who does Michelle choose when presented with a strong contrast between looks-good-on-paper Jamie and the not-sure-I-am-good-enough Rodney?

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Why checking boxes is a bad way to date
• How F-boys keep you hooked
• Moving guys out of the friendzone
• The vulnerability-vagina connection

Marni notes that too many women become focused on how a guy looks on paper and whether or not he checks all the boxes. She warns against this because when we get attached to the idea of someone and not shared values, we end up with the wrong partner.

For example, Bachelor Jamie is CEO of a biomedical tech company. He fits the image a girl would be super happy to talk to her friends and family about when we peek behind the curtain he has been seen putting other dudes down and telling everyone else they are wrong.  Big red flags there.

The person you date does not add to your worthiness. 

Jamie tries to trap Michelle by saying he is trying to protect her, yet he is the one planting seeds of doubt in her mind. Plus, Chris points out Jamie hangs out with the not-so-nice guys and you know what they say about birds of a feather. Jamie displays a complete lack of humbleness. He can not be silly or laugh at himself. Who wants to date someone like that?

Sometimes we want to see what we want to see. That is why it is important to get clear about our values because we could be missing out on a great guy.

Why Do We Put Some Guys in the Friendzone? [17:56]

Enter Rodney. When he approaches Michelle he does the opposite of Jamie and tells her that he may not be this and he may not be that but asks her to give him a try. While it did catch Michelle off guard, she asked him why he would start a conversation (or a contest for that matter) in that way. He just unwittingly put himself in the friendzone!

Ladies, if you feel that the guys you are attracted to never want to commit, but the guys you are attracted to are not interested in you, this may be the issue.  

If you have gone out on a few dates and you like a guy but are not feeling it, what can you test the waters to see if he is just nervous or if he has low self-worth? 

• First, if a guy has low self-worth HE IS NOT YOUR GUY. 
• Tell him how you are feeling and ask him if he knows what might be missing from your interactions.

Chris says that men who are worth a damn will love doing something brave and show you who they really are. With the caveat that sometimes they need instructions.

Lessons Gleaned About F-Boys [30:05]

The clever ones know how to work the system. When true F-boys feel a woman is moving away, they turn on the waterworks. Or, when they feel you are getting clingy they move far enough away to keep you hooked. F-boys have colorful stories but they use their powers for evil instead of good. 

Make a Connection:

• Visit Our Websites, Dating With Dignity and Institute For Living Courageously
• Join Our Life Check Yourself Community Here!
• Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
• Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
• Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
• Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Marni welcomes Sexual Health Specialist, Christine Delozier to the Life Check Yourself podcast. Christine is an acupuncturist and herbalist who treats every patient holistically through research and study into traditional Chinese medicine, dietary nutrition, and counseling. She shares some simple changes you can do to get your mind and body sex-life ready. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Pre-date mood-enhancing snacks 
• Foods that increase sensitivity in the body
• Minerals that make you feel sexy
• How traditional Chinese medicine promotes great sex

Christine believes approaching health from a natural perspective is the most effective way to take care of our bodies. In Chinese medicine, a practitioner always looks to the root of health to assist their patient, not symptoms. To achieve optimum sexual health it is best to treat the root of the issue through diet and nutrition.

When we think about great sex, women tend to think about it psychologically, but physiological great sex means strong signals of pleasure are sent from our genitals and nerve endings up to our brain, therefore, balancing our sex hormones.

One of the most-widespread complaints Christine receives from women is they often have low libido and difficulty achieving orgasm. What they don’t realize is that the food they are eating affects each of those things.

Leafy greens are great for great sex. They increase nerve conduction, blood flow, reduce cortisol, and optimize testosterone. In addition, antioxidants show stronger nerve impulses, protect against damage, and increase clitoral sensitivity. 

Eating a salad is more about being healthy than losing weight. 

Chomp on This Before Going on a Date [15:57]

In Christine’s book, Diet for Great Sex: Food for Male and Female Sexual Health, she includes a Date Night Sex Menu. She describes what greasy foods do to the libido and how refined sugars disrupt hormones and taint our testosterone. Plus, to stay confident and comfortable throughout a date, eat plenty of vitamin C and potassium before leaving the house on a date. 

Oysters are known as libido-raising food due to their high zinc content. 

How to Achieve Great Sex Based on Chinese Medicine [26:11]

Traditional Chinese medicine teaches us that hormonal balance is the balance of Yin/Yang in the body. Yin is the feminine essence and the physical attributes of the body. Yang is male energy, think nerve conduction, and the heart beating. Balance is key. 

The traditional Chinese view on sex is that when we have strong Chi we have good sex. And, the essence of life is believed to be housed in the kidneys. The embodiment of our essence is menses for women and ejaculate for males. In addition, every meal should have five main flavors. Without a bit of each,  it can throw hormones out of balance. 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

If you've followed The Dating Den for a while, you know that the work we do on this show is about much more than just dating. At the core, we help our listeners live and love courageously so that they can create a life of peace and joy and success and fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams.To fully realize this vision, we knew we needed to expand.

Marni welcomes renowned body-language expert Blanca Cobb to the show. When it comes to love, romance, and relationships, she helps singles find a partner who is worthy of love by using and understanding body language. She can help you to identify partners who love, care for, and respect you. Blanca has appeared in more than a thousand TV appearances and has been quoted in hundreds of popular publications. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Simple expressions tell you what a guy is thinking
• Tips for revealing your feminine energy
• Sending the right signals to get what you want
• Body language tips for dating IRL
• How to dress for a video date

Ladies, if you are dating a guy and he says romantic things that make your heart all a flutter but his expressions and actions don't match up it could be a red flag. Blanca says if a guy wants to be with you he will show up emotionally and physically. The more they want you the more they will touch you in caring and nurturing ways. Think putting their hand out when you are getting out of a car or putting their hand on your shoulder when walking through a door. 

Gentle caring touches say a lot more about how someone feels about you than a passionate embrace. 

When dating, a guy must have the body language that supports his statements. If they don't match his words don't matter. 

When Your Clothes Say Feminine Energy But Your Body Language Shows Masculine Energy [13:01]             

It can be difficult to transform into a feminine goddess right before a date, especially if date night turns out to be a Wednesday. And, trying to convince someone of what you are through words or instead of naturally showing someone is just about impossible. Your body language shows everything and guys can get confused about the signals you are sending.  

Before a date, practice being feminine and flirty without overcompensating. 

Blanca says a relationship goal is normally to have a man love you for who you are and not who you pretend to be. If you want a long-term relationship you must be yourself when dating. You can only pretend for so long and a relationship based on a false persona will make you both miserable.

Physicality matters. Blanca’s tips for dating:

• Portray yourself as open. 
• Sit catty-corner in your chair across from your date, not face-to-face. 
• Make eye contact but avoid a staring contest.
• Position your hands in a normal, relaxed position.  

What we do with our hands is an emotional barometer of how we feel in the moment. 

 Sending the Right Signals on a Video Date [29:32]

Video dating is here to stay. If a guy asks to video chat, try to make it as natural as a real-life date would be, if possible, look at the camera, not the screen, and have fun! Use a post-it note to remind yourself to look into the camera if you have to. 

Dress like you are on a date. Because when you wear something you feel confident in, it will show through on the call. You should also be just a bit more animated in front of the camera during a video date. A playful nature can add some life to a flat projection on a screen. 

Remember, everything is perceptible, and everything makes a difference. Transmit wisely.

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Marni and Chris reconvene to talk about the real-life dating lessons from the first new episode of Bachelor in Paradise 2021. Has Bachelorette Michelle been to a dating coach and does she know exactly how to find her perfect partner, probably not, but that is what makes this analysis useful and fun. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Why you shouldn’t internet stalk before a date
• When it is time to save energy and focus on someone new
•  Issues stemming from having perfect parents
• Respect boundaries and stop looking through his phone

On Bachelor in Paradise, contestant Ryan is confronted by Bachelorette Michelle about some notes he has in his room. He had a folder that included information about Michelle and how to get attention during the season. Chris says it is normal for a guy to dig around the internet to find out more about someone he likes.

Michelle confronted Ryan and he took a defensive stance instead of owning up to what his intentions were. Michelle said goodbye to him then and there. 

Marni says, if your ego gets exposed, fall on your sword because being defensive puts everyone on edge, and being honest about what happened will leave you with your peace of mind. 

Marni encourages women NOT to search the internet about a guy before she meets them in person. She recommends taking the opportunity to create a connection with the other person first. 

If you want to prepare for a date, instead of doing copious amounts of internet sleuthing, ground yourself and think about what you are curious to know about the guy. 

Save Your Time to Spend on the Good Guys [15:21]

Michelle puts so much of her time and energy into a guy she knew wasn’t going to be her guy, she doesn't have time to spend time with the other 28 guys who are interested in her. The lesson from this is that in real-life dating, we shouldn’t waste energy on things we don't want or know won’t work out anyway. Think of the time wasted trying to figure out why someone ghosted you or the unrealistic expectations of waiting for a call from someone you don’t really like anyway. 

Focus on what we want to bring into our lives, not what we don't want. 

If you are dating it is important to remember the good guys are out there. Don’t waste your time on the wrong ones. 

Respecting Boundaries versus Looking for Red Flags [23:12]

Going through someone's phone can be hard to resist especially if you just slept over for the first time, but Marni says don’t do it. If you want to know something about someone you should ask them directly. Looking through a bathroom cabinet or a bedside table and then making a snap judgment doesn’t give the other person the dignity of telling you about something themselves. 

We find it hard to resist because our brains want to protect us from getting hurt. We may be thinking if we go through someone else stuff we will discover something that is a red flag but it is not a good vibe and certainly not a good way to start a relationship.

If you are dating a guy who has been a perfect gentleman and there are no issues, stay out of his private zone. 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Marni asks the Master Coach of the Institute for Living Courageously, Sherrie Toews, to explain ways to fix your online dating process to increase your chances of finding real love. For 25 years, Sherrie has been a licensed therapist in California. Her work focuses on what causes people to be stuck, and she creates a foolproof plan detailing how they can break through and acquire the skills needed to maintain a long-term lifestyle shift.  

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Shifting your personal belief system
• Recognize what is holding you back from finding love
• Stop sabotaging your dating life online, or not
• How to fix your online profile

Marni and Sherrie share that they see attractive, reasonably smart people sabotaging relationships every day. Even if they think they are not sabotaging a relationship, they unconsciously are. 

It all goes back to our belief system. In childhood, when we hurt or had to deal with something that wounded us we formed little Who's as coping mechanisms to keep us from getting hurt again. This can also happen in our teenage and early adult lives when the hurts and wounds were profound. Think once bitten, twice shy. The little Who's form negative beliefs about ourselves, our worthiness, and our lovability. Or, negative messages about other people, aka men. 

If we don’t become clear about what we want from life, the little Who's will still be making our decisions unconsciously. When they appear, they can seem like the truth, but they are sabotagers that keep us stuck!

Even if you think you have read everything there is about getting unstuck, there still may be unconscious pieces that can wreck your dating results and block your path to finding real love. 

An example of a limiting belief is — Men just want to have sex. Sherrie reminds us that when a high-quality guy is giving us a compliment about our beauty or shape, we will whittle it down to a derogatory comment. But, remember, men are physical, visual creatures.

No matter how smart you are you may still be a victim of limiting beliefs.

Shifting Your Mindset [9:17]

Are you too picky when you discount a guy after only seeing his profile? Sherrie says, making snap judgments about men is a way you are collecting evidence to fit into your limiting belief. The little Who is influencing your decisions! 

Instead, if you look through the lens of being open-hearted, values-based, and extending men goodwill, and credit there is no such thing as settling. Be curious about who the picture you are looking at truly is.

We are made for connection. If you are looking for a man online you are searching for a connection. 

Stop These Online Dating Mistakes Now! [17:57]

Promiscuous self-disclosure is a mistake many women make when messaging men before physically meeting them. They give out too much personal information such as family drama, medical trauma, or personal dharma. Throwing out issues to see what resonates with someone else is not healthy dating. It is not vulnerable. 

Dating is a process. There is no need to tell someone everything about you on a first date, or worse, before ever meeting in person.

Other common mistakes are creating a false sense of connection through endless messages back and forth, not responding to date requests, and not dating more than one guy.

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Register to Hear the Entire Podcast Tour Here

As part of Marni’s contribution to the How to Actually Feel Worthy of Love Podcast Tour curated by Veronica Grant, client Janice Busing joins the show to describe the love connection she made after doing the work. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• How to feel worthy of love
• Believing you are enough
• Why you are attracting the wrong guy
• Dating differently 

Before becoming a dating with dignity client, Janice was considering Where she was in her life. She was 56, single, not dating, and craving partnership. One morning Marni's email appeared in her inbox. That is when Janice realized that if she wanted to live her life fully now was the time to make a self-honoring choice. 

It takes courage to admit that getting into partnership is something you care about and are ready to work on. 

Janice knew she needed support and guidance. She had expanded her awareness but she was self-sabotaging by using her good life and clever stories to keep her out of a relationship. She thought the man for her had to be a certain way and had to offer her certain things. She was being picky and avoided dating. When she did date, she put demands and expectations on the other person based on her fears. 

Janice had a base fear that she would never get what she wanted. She injected that fear into her relationships. When she released the fear and her limiting beliefs. 

Attracting the Wrong Guy [12:59]

Janice had a deep-seated belief that she wasn't worthy of love. She had wounds from the past that were seeping out in her life making her feel unworthy of love. 

Marni hears it all the time from women. Intellectually, they know they are worthy but their brains are wired to keep them safe. The brain needs prodding to look at a situation through a different lens. 

Janice says when she decided to work with Marni she committed to do the work at 100%. She vowed to be honest, vulnerable, and open to the process. She said the coaches at Dating with Dignity heard what she was saying, even though she couldn't completely hear herself. It cracked her open. She created a new foundation.

Janice’s current relationship is the first relationship she walked into authentically.

Doing Dating Differently [17:13]

Creating non-negotiables was powerful for Janice. She came from a solid foundation of who she is and she finally thought about what would be good for her in a relationship. 

When you do the work you can trust the process, Janice says. You start to date differently by integrating things into your life and relationship instead of pushing them and judging the other person if everything is not perfect. She realized she was deserving of an epic love.

We are not looking for perfection, we are looking for the ability to grow with a partner.

One core limiting belief that Marni hears over and over from her clients is that other women are lucky because they found the right guy, but the truth is that once you are into your worthiness it is about making different choices that are in alignment with who you really are.

Do the work and the right guy just might find you.

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Register to Hear the Entire Podcast Tour Here