Life Check Yourself

Marni and Chris hunker down in the Den to talk about the dating lessons learned from following the recent Bachelor episode. There were some real no-nos this week and some great examples of the issues many of us have when dating. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Why fake it ‘til you make it doesn't work in dating
• Become rejection-proof
• Don’t take things personally
• When women lead with sex
• Dating multiple people

Marni and Chris break down how Demi’s obnoxiousness is probably a cover-up for her low self-worth, keeping in mind that the producers may have prodded her to stir up some trouble. They think Tammy is displaying real confidence but she may enjoy getting attention from drama. 

Marni shares an observation from her years of experience coaching clients — Many women believe they are confident and they are not meeting a man who is at their level. 

When faking confidence it comes across that you are uncomfortable in your skin, and people feel it.

Demi led with sex, overtly kissing Brendan and making it well known she was interested in him physically. Brendan did a great job in telling her that he was exploring all of his options but to save face Demi talked poorly about him and called him a Player.

Marni says that yes, men want to have sex with you considering they think about sex every seven seconds but when you lead with sex what vibe are you giving off? If you make yourself available sexually it does not increase your opportunities with men. Chris says it is not attractive for a woman to make it clear she is interested in sex over and over. A great sexual connection does not mean you are made for each other.

Become Rejection-Proof [20:03]

If you have a great date with a guy, give things a chance to unfold. If you don't hear from a guy for a couple of days there are some dignified things you can do to reach out, but remember it was just one date. 

People date other people, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Don’t take it personally. 

Rejection is not personal. It is just that you and the other person are not a match. Be the person you want to attract, don’t take things personally, and you will become rejection-proof. Chris adds, that once you are rejection-proof you probably won't get rejected because it is so sexy. 

Everyone wants to be loved for who they are if they are emotionally available and want to be in a relationship. 

Ladies, it is fine to date more than one person at once. There is no shame in it. If a guy asks if you are dating other people, respond with kindness and honesty. You can not screw up a new relationship with the right guy.

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Marni welcomes a former Bachelor winner and Dating with Dignity client into the Den. In 2016, Estella Renee was chosen by Bachelor Bob only to find out he was dating someone else. Today, she is happily engaged and runs a successful health and wellness business. She shares what she needed to shift before finding the man she has always wanted.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Healing from past heartbreak
• Learning to unlock your heart
• Why your online dating profile should reflect your non-negotiables
• When you do the work, the right guy will find you

Shortly before the Bachelor, Estella suffered a two-fold heartbreak. Her father passed away, then the man she was dating broke up with her. Then to top things off, after Bachelor Bob chose her, it was revealed that he was dating someone else when they were supposed to be working toward a relationship. The rejection was televised and she felt embarrassed by it.  

Estella bottled up her vulnerability and put up her love shield.

But, she was determined to find her man. She searched dating coaches and found Marni. She believes divine intervention was at play. She was 40, she had not yet met her partner, and she wanted a family. She asked God for guidance and she made the call that changed her life.

Doing the Work [20:36]

After working with Marni for just a short time she had her first breakthrough. It had become clear to her that she was attracting emotionally unavailable men because she was emotionally unavailable. She felt she wanted to commit, but she was not prepared to fully open her heart, and men could sense it.

We are all humans and while men like the pursuit, everyone wants to feel safe when dating. 

Her biggest hurdle, she says, was signing up for an online dating site. She felt the chance of her meeting someone there was impossible. Marni told her to choose her five non-negotiables and she could not negotiate her non-negotiables. 

If you break a promise to yourself early on it will be the thing that breaks the relationship down the road.

During COVID, Estella scheduled three to four facetime dates in one day. 

Trusting in the Process [34:26]

Estella was only on Match.com for two weeks. Her fiance was one of the first people to contact her after reading her lengthy, but clear profile. He was intrigued by her ability to relay what she wanted from a relationship.

Soon to be married, she and her fiance are also opening a new studio focused on recovery and repair in addition to sculpting the body.

Estella says the difference she feels after doing the work is that she is the best version of herself in this relationship.

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Estella Renee

This Bachelorette recap features real-life dating advice taken from the most recent episodes of the show. Marni and Man Panelist Chris Gillis talk about the trainwreck finale that includes angry family members, Katie and Blake getting engaged and some of the worst hosting in TV history.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• How to step back from an argument
• Why it is wrong to label someone 
• Vulnerability or oversharing?
• Take responsibility for your half of a relationship

One thing for sure is you must be emotionally free of past relationships before you are ready to date again. Marni points out that Katie did not have time to get past her relationship with Greg Grippo before getting engaged to Blake Moynes. Chris thinks Greg was treated unfairly. 

During the episode, the audience meets Katie's mom and her aunt Lindsey, who was very angry and disconnected. Marni says it explains why Katie can go from being fun and playful to stone-cold quickly. Marni hypothesized that there may be a lot of secrets in the family based on their actions and remembers back to a past episode when Katie finds out that her father was not her biological father.

Katie looked belittled by her family.

Oversharing is Not Vulnerability [24:03]

When Katie and Blake performed the burning ceremony, Katie opened up about her insecurities and her need for safety. Later, Blake said it was too much pressure and it scared him to have that responsibility on his shoulders. Marni points out that Katie shouldn't put her emotional safety in the hands of another person. 

It’s hard to believe Blake is Katie’s soul mate after seeing the breakup with Greg and all in such a short time.

Katie Should Apologize to Greg [36:48]

Greg accused Katie of wanting to play the part of the Bachelorette and he may have been right even though he is an actor. Marni is a big fan of Greg and how he maintained a mature stance during the finale. He seems to be a genuine guy who had genuine feelings for Katie.

If someone rails on you, don't go back so they can do it again.  

In real-life dating, if you get into a heated argument ask the other person for a break. It is better to pause and excuse yourself until things calm down than to say something you don’t mean. Agree on a time to reconvene and start over. 

And, Marni believes Katie should apologize to Greg. As it was inappropriate to put a psychological label (Gaslighter) on Greg just because she was pissed off. 

In the end, everyone just wants love.

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Marni welcomes Michael Tennant, the Founder of the conversation card game, Actually Curious, into the Den to discuss how to create connection and conversation through empathy and curiosity. Michael is an advocate for diversity, mental well-being, and empathy. His workshops and the card game have been featured in the New York Times, Goop, Forbes, Cosmopolitan, and others. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Create connection through empathy
• Sample questions to ask a date
• Tips for preparing for a date
• How to shift the energy of a conversation

Michael describes his previous life when coming from the ‘get’ energy. He says he didn't know much about himself. He went out seeking his self-confidence and self-worth through dating. Then after discovering his empathy energy he realized what was missing within himself and learned how to love himself fully.

With Actually Curious, Michael knew he had created a game that enhanced trust-building. The card game helps people ask thoughtful questions to other people to understand where they are coming from. In dating, people can decide if they want to start dating casually or get into the topics that matter in long-term relationships and use the knowledge to bridge gaps. 

When playing Actually Curious, it starts light and levels up as trust is created.

Understanding Ourselves Helps Us Understand Others [15:40]

Fear can close us off energetically. The nervous system holds on to trauma and can create a physical response when we are confronted by a trigger. The Actually Curious cards offer people tools to practice responding to certain stimuli. They can also be used to build muscle memory around the physical aspects of trauma. It can be used when prepping for a date to help us understand why we feel the way we do. 

You have to be connected to yourself before you can connect to someone else. 

Creating Harmony from Conflict [23:33]

Michael says when people are aware and use a more evolved language with each other empathy and understanding can be products of conflict. Learning how to resolve conflict can create a deeper connection between couples and family members.  

Michael asks Marni some of the questions from the game. As soon as they start talking about what they are passionate about the energy of the conversation shifts and they create a deeper connection to each other. 

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Actually Curious Cards

This Bachelorette recap features real-life dating advice taken from the most recent episodes of the show. Marni and Man Panelist Chris Gillis talk about the mesmerizing episode where Greg Grippo breaks up with Katie! Does Katie have her love shield up? Is Greg too ‘real' for TV?

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Navigating conflict in a relationship
• Ask higher-quality questions
• How to have a successful long-term relationship
• Gaslighting or authenticity?

When Greg declared his love it was the rawest and most memorable moment in Reality TV. Greg Grippo was supposed to be THE guy for Katie. He was always more focused on the relationship, not the drama the producers prodded. Marni points out several instances when Katie pleaded for Greg not to go but ‘on camera’ Greg never mentioned he was going anywhere. 

Does Katie have an unwarranted fear of abandonment that she pushed on Greg?   

Where is the Katie we knew and loved from the beginning of the season? Did she turn into a robot? She barely responded when Greg said he loved her. Things heated up quickly. The thing that killed Katie and Greg was their inability to deal with conflict in a relationship. 

Team Greg [19:29]

Marni thinks Greg is in love with Katie but he does not care about the theatrics of the show. She thinks he got scared about falling in love with Katie. Chris thinks Greg dated with dignity, and once the game show aspect of the show was over he wanted to get real but Katie couldn't commit. Men love being the knight in shining armor but Katie wouldn’t allow herself to accept it.

Katie has a hard time receiving love. She has her love shield up. 

To have a successful long-term relationship: 

• Both parties need to be committed to individual growth.
• Both parties need to be committed to the growth of the relationship. 

Greg was honorable. He collected data and the data he collected was not a good match for him. Both Marni and Chris believe Greg will not agree to be in the spotlight after the show ends. They believe he was in it to find love.

Do the Guys Who Said Goodbye Still Want Katie? [49:51]

Marni asks Chris if he thinks the guys Katie asked to leave the show feel they dodged a bullet, or do they want to be with Katie now that she is free? Both Chris & Marni think the good guys Katie let go feel like they dodged a bullet. 

Katie told the producers off camera she loved Greg but never told Greg to his face. 

You are going to have issues in a relationship at some point but when you are dating with intention and self-worth you will have established trust and commitment and be able to work through conflict. 

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This week Marni welcomes Guy Shahar into the Den. Guy is the co-founder and lead facilitator of the Tantra Institute and the originator of Tantra Speed Date. He is an advanced certified Tantra educator, writer, and entrepreneur. With decades of experience, he teaches people how to become better lovers and how to heal the rift between masculine and feminine energies. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Surrender into your feminine
• Form more intimate connections 
• Allow a man to make mistakes
• How to have fulfilling dating experiences

If you cringe when you think of speed dating, Tantra Speed Dating may be just what you are looking for. Guy explains how Tantra Speed Dating can offer deeper connections between a man and a woman while eliminating the preconceived ideas and judgment normally present when dating. 

Dating should be a shared spiritual experience, Guy says. It is designed to help people healthily relate to each other from the beginning of a relationship.

What we think we want may not be in alignment with what we are attracted to. 

Asking high-quality questions such as how you feel about yourself in the presence of a particular man is key. Could you feel safe with him if you surrendered into your feminine?

Dropping into Feminine [18:57]

In modern times, women have been taught to be more masculine, maybe too much so. They often feel they have to take care of everything themselves and can’t completely relax or surrender. Guy says when it comes to relationships people can be in different roles. Men want to serve women and understand how to make a woman happy but the woman has to be open to receiving. 

The more a woman surrenders into her feminine the more it energetically encourages a man to step up into his masculine because we naturally polarize each other.

On a date, if a woman shows up in her masculine a man might have to alpha compete to see who will be in the masculine or it can polarize him into his feminine.  If you want a man in his masculine it being in your masculine will sabotage your efforts.

• Allow a man a few mistakes while he gets to know you.
• Encourage a man to be in his masculine role.
• Develop a relationship with your body.
• Give a man a mission, then reward him for carrying it out.
• Stop believing the cultural rhetoric about men

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This Bachelorette recap features real-life dating advice taken from the most recent episodes of the show. Marni and Man Panelist Chris Gillis talk about what is going on behind the scenes with Katie. She was extremely guarded, unlike the authentic, likable character she displayed on previous shows.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Internal strife shows in your body language
• The show is just a game after all
• Single parents have different dating rules
• How vulnerability can soften tough blows

When Midwesterner, Michael A. had to break up with Katie we all understood. He says he needs to be a great dad first and this dating show is just a game. He bails but for all the right reasons. He is a genuinely cool dude with a lot at stake. He is a business owner, who is responsible for people other than himself. 

Katie didn’t leave with him. Maybe reality set in and she realized he, and his situation, wasn’t right for her. It is a great example of being in a relationship with someone who has kids to consider. 

Marni and Chris agree that Katie went into game-playing mode since she knows she will choose Greg anyway. The question is… why is she suddenly showing up like Fembot 3000? Her body language displayed annoyance and she had her guard up. All the things that made her likable seemed to have disappeared.

Finally, the producers found a fun group of high-quality guys to be on the Bachelorette. 

Get Rid of Bad Energy with Honesty [16:57]

What should you do if you are having a crappy day and have to deal with something you don’t want to do? Or deal with someone you don’t want to date? Marni says if you find yourself in a similar situation try dipping into your vulnerability and articulate how you are feeling. Honesty and integrity go hand-in-hand when it comes to these kinds of situations. 

Greg, Blake, or Justin? [27:45]

Chris predicts Katie is keeping Justin around as a place-holder and will ultimately choose Greg. But, he thinks Greg may not want to be had after how his phone blew up with other offers. 

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This week Marni welcomes Daniel Herrold into the Den. Daniel is the co-founder of Divorced Over 40, a group that provides community to divorced men and women the world over who are in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. The community intends to foster and cultivate relationships and friendships organically. Divorced Over 40 has over 10,000 virtual members in 50 cities in 7 countries. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Benefits of people who understand what you are going through
• Preparing yourself for a new life, post-divorce
• Meeting people in a group setting takes the edge off
• Cultivating friendships with members of the opposite sex
• Navigating dating without apps

Daniel was inspired to create Divorced Over 40 because he lost many of his friends when he got divorced. He needed time to heal and figure out who he was but still needed connection. He wanted to create a way for people to connect and build friendships post-divorce without the stigma of a culture that implies one must jump into the next relationship, or to date right away. 

He says there is a season after divorce when people aren’t ready to date again. If they are healing or trying to figure out who they are. Even though the platform can be utilized as a springboard into dating, it is designed to create connections first.

People are at the height of their attractiveness when they don't need a plus one.

Everyone is yearning for connection and many people are disenfranchised with the dating process and apps, Daniel says. His community provides an alternative for people to meet in a non-pressured way to build friendships.

Getting divorced offers the opportunity to reconnect with who you are. 

It is possible to create a new life of rebirth and rediscovery after you have done the healing work. Daniel says many people start dating before they figure themselves out. Which ultimately wastes time because you end up with a lot of unaligned connections. 

Navigating New Friendships [16:59]

It is important to have good intentions when investing in creating new connections. Go out and meet people more often. Daniel says consistency is the key growth factor of his community-building events. 

Practice being open-hearted and having fun during your transition time after a divorce.  

People can hold on to their old life because they are scared. Daniel says the common denominator is that everyone requires true connection. He adds that it is beneficial to have people who understand what you are going through because they have gone through similar things. They are likely more empathetic and understanding. because they get it. 

Using Divorce Over 40’s connection tool to cultivate friendships post-divorce allows you to cultivate platonic friendships with the opposite sex. Something you may not have been able to do during a marriage. Know that after divorce it is possible to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex and share thoughts on dating, and relationships. 

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Divorced Over 40

Divorced Over 40 on Instagram

This Bachelorette recap features real-life dating advice taken from the most recent episodes of the show. Marni and Man Panelist Chris Gillis talk about ‘Machete’ Katie. She is a break-up artist. Is she breaking up with guys quickly because she has already chosen Greg? 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Examples of how mature, high-quality guys act
• TV is made for drama
• Do women want vulnerable men?
• Has Katie already made her choice?

Marni and Chris make note that not all the guys are getting one-on-one time with Katie. There are 5 or 6 guys left and not all of them have even gotten to their first date. If the show is designed to end in engagement the producers better get on it. 

Tip — don't get engaged to someone to whom you have never been on a date. 

Brendan is an example of a quality guy. He never got a date card and he wanted to know why. He went directly to Katie and asked. Marni thinks it should have been the other way around and Katie should have said something to Brendan before he felt it necessary to go to her.

A quality person lets the other person know how they are feeling and why something is not working. 

When you break up with someone, mimic what Andrew did. Don't send the one last thing text. Go to the other person and say “let's end this with a smile.” Marni reiterates that actions are important. If you don't want to be the backup person, bow out when it's appropriate. 

Look for a guy who has the mature qualities Andrew S. displays. 

Katie & Greg Forever [22:08]

Marni has a theory about what is going on behind the scenes. She thinks Katie sat down with the producers and let them know she has already made her decision to choose Greg. But, the producers still have some weeks to fill with content so they are giving her easy break-ups so she can go through the motions. 

Bachelorette Predictions? [31:01]

Marni and Chris both agree it will be Greg. Although Chris believes Katie is choosing Greg for different reasons than Marni. Chris says Katie is like a nurse to Greg and she is addicted to his resting, sad face. When he is unsure and wavering, Katie enjoys reassuring him. Chris thinks the relationship will get stale after a little while. 

Marni, on the other hand, thinks Greg signed up for the Bachelorette thinking the show is stupid. But, he likes Katie so he is trying to ignore the TV/entertainment aspects. He feels out of integrity with himself to keep the show going. And, Katie doesn’t want him to leave the show before she chooses him. 

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In this intriguing episode, Marni welcomes Misa Hopkins into the Den. Misa has been a pioneer in the field of feminine consciousness for over 20 years. She is a five-time bestselling author and appears in the newly released documentary, The Spark. We discuss her ability to balance consciousness through mystical initiations in masculine and feminine energies. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• How to tap into emotional wisdom
• Be truly seen for who you are
• Healing through emotions
• Find a partner to grow with
• How to bless and release someone

 Emotional wisdom is anchored in sacred feminine consciousness. Women go through cycles of intense emotions starting from their first menstruation. For centuries, women have been taught that emotions are a problem to be suppressed. But that is incorrect, Misa says. Our emotions are gateways to our inner wisdom, intuition, and ultimately to our awakening. 

All of your emotions are valid. 

The emotional walls we built to protect us from early hurts may be hindering growth and relationships. Misa says when doing internal work you don't have to relive all the pain. When emotions of anger and sorrow bubble up into consciousness, be compassionate toward them.

It is self-honoring to love yourself through the emotion. 

When we map an energy onto a man by looking to them to help us through our emotional journey, we strip them of who they are. 

How to Get Out of Your Own Way [25:14]

Misa says she pushed away plenty of beautiful people from her life because she expected them to be what she needed to be for herself. Marni adds many women are looking for a male version of themselves. 

In dating, be present and find out who a man is without imposing your wants and needs on to him.

Misa asks us to remember there is no growth if we find ourselves with a duplicate of ourselves. Why not be with a man who stretches you or who gets you to try new things in life? 

When someone new comes into your life, ask why the universe sent them. If the two of you don't completely sync up, use the time as an opportunity to bless someone else in their journey. 

Bless & Release [30:14]

If a person you meet is not aligned with your desires, direct your thoughts toward how you will feel when you are with a partner who is suited for you. You can't be aware of or attract a potential partner when you are in the wrong headspace. 

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Misa Hopkins 

Sacred Feminine Awakening