Life Check Yourself

This Bachelorette recap features real-life dating advice taken from the most recent episodes of the show. Marni and Man Panelist Chris Gillis talk about how much they like Katie, why kissing shouldn’t be the end of a relationship, and the importance of getting the important, lifestyle questions out at the beginning of the dating process. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Less is more when it comes to physical alterations
• When to ask tough questions in the dating process
• Guys wank off all the time
• Predictions about Katie’s frontrunners

Connor, aka the Cat Guy, took a big hit after what seemed to be a great date. Katie says goodbye to him and when he asks why she twists the knife and says it was his kiss. Marni says Katie has other guys to choose from so she can be picky but in real life dating if you meet your version of Connor, don’t let kissing be the end all be all. Katie should have been gentler with Connor.

It IS possible to instruct and work with men who have challenges in the kissing department. 

In a long-term relationship, the amount of kissing dwindles over the years. Don’t judge someone based on a few kisses. 

Marni and Chris agree the double date with Kaitlyn’s new face was unnecessary. Why would the producers do it? And as far as changing your face or body because you think guys like it, Marni’s advice is less is more, including spider-like eyelashes. 

If you change your appearance to be what you think guys find attractive you are wrong. 

The WOWO Challenge [13:43]

The guys of the Bachelorette were given a challenge to not masturbate. The producers aired conversations about how much each one wanks off. Marni has a hard time believing some guys do it three times a day until Chris clarifies that it’s true. He says it is important to get rid of all the bullets in your gun before a date, especially if you like a girl. He adds that men can turn primal and become dumb animals looking at T&A. 

If the guy you are dating looks at porn, don’t take it personally. It has nothing to do with you, men think about sex every 7 seconds. 

Bachelorette Predictions: Who Will Katie Choose? [17:43]

Katie can not keep a villain on the show. It is probably driving the producers crazy. As soon as there is drama Katie shuts it down and says goodbye to the guy causing it. When she discovered Hunter lied twice she asked him about it. He seemed disinterested in defending himself so she said goodbye.

Chris predicts Katie will choose between Greg, Blake, and Andrew. He feels like she wants to hurry up and make a decision. Marni thinks Greg is the frontrunner. 

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Marni welcomes the Authors of Bored, Lonely, Angry, Stupid: Changing Feelings About Technology from Telegraph to Twitter, Dr. Susan Matt, and Luke Fernandez into the Den. Luke is an Assistant Professor at Weber State School of Computing and Susan is a Professor of History at Weber State. Both have been published in the Washington Post.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Emotions are created by culture
• Effects of technology on expectations
• Reframing ideas and feelings
• Enjoying solitude versus fear of loneliness

Our personalities and emotions are changing due to social media. Past generations didn’t quantify their worth with how many friends they had. They didn’t get bored as easily because no one was pressuring them to use their time. Susan points out the word boredom didn’t exist until the 19th century.

Luke encourages us to think of emotions and feelings as not just biological but as things that are shaped by the world around us. By technologies and language. 

Technology companies lead us to believe that happiness is being connected all the time.

Unrealistic Expectations  [15:39]

There is an entire 'loneliness' industry that touts the message that we need more friends. As advertisements began to saturate through new media outlets, people started believing the hype. 

We may be more connected than our ancestors but the amount of loneliness we are prone to is the same. 

Luke reminds us that in the past people would admit to being lonely and join loneliness clubs. In the current environment, many people feel shame due to not having the ‘right’ amount of friends or FOMO. But, it is all based on conditioning and language. Enjoying solitude connotes something different than suffering loneliness.

How Did the Pandemic Change Us? [25:36]

During the pandemic, technology was extremely useful in keeping us connected with our loved ones and offered us a sense of community even though we were restricted to our homes. Luke is optimistic about how technology can help us in these ways and says it shouldn’t be vilified. 

Change How We React [33:12]

Luke and Susan didn’t intend for their book to be a self-help guide. But, Luke says just being aware of how we use technology and how we react to our feelings can shift our perspectives and remove the stigma of loneliness. Ultimately, it is up to us and the language we use with ourselves.

Emotions are not set in stone. We can change the way we feel about something. 

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Luke Fernandez

Dr. Susan Matt

Bored, Lonely, Angry, Stupid: Changing Feelings about Technology, from the Telegraph to Twitter

Marni welcomes the Creator of the Cooch and Gooch Ball, Jana Danielson. Jana’s health issues were the catalyst for her career shift. She transformed her life and became a wellness entrepreneur. She runs a series of integrated health therapy clinics and educates clients on pelvic floor fitness tools, including the Cooch Ball.  

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Holistic caring for the body as a system
• The importance of breathing properly
• Maintaining structural integrity
• How the Cooch Ball can release your inner vixen

Jana is passionate about teaching people to increase their health and wellness. She is all about being inspired by real women, understanding our bodies, and taking action to change the body from the inside out. 

She says health and wellness have been a 'pieces' approach. When we approach it this way we create asymmetries and dysfunction in the body. She adds that it is beneficial to consider our bodies as a series of systems. If we work on our systems, we can bring our mindset, our spirit, and our self-love into alignment. It starts from the inside and permeates out.

Pelvic Floor Fitness [7:25]

The diaphragm is the muscle that breathes for us. It is in the crest of the rib cage. And, the pelvic floor is the floor of our core, it is sexy and functional. They work in conjunction with each other. 

The more we suck in our guts and try to look a certain way we can disrupt normal body function.

Jana says one simple thing we can do is to become aware of our diaphragmatic breathing. Being conscious of our breath helps our bodies to function at an optimal level.

When inhaling, envision yourself picking up a grape with your vagina, and on the exhale set the grape down. Jana says it can change your life. Look beyond the Kegel, because it is a forced clench and release. This can play into the dysfunction because it creates tightness in the body.

How to maintain structural integrity and fitness as we age: 

• Posture is critical to our musculature. 
• Many constrictions are fitness issues, not medical issues. 

Cooch Ball [22:32]

Ten years ago Jana worked with a gynecologist in Reno to compare notes on how women could reveal, release, and rejuvenate themselves after childbirth or surgery. They worked together on the basic principles of a muscle needs nutrient-rich blood flow to flourish, and rewiring patterns and habits can be achieved through neuroplasticity, 

Jana played around with different-sized balls and rollers to create a tool and platform she could use to educate people about pelvic floor issues. She says the name Cooch Ball was designed to grab their attention. 

A pelvic floor tool is like a best friend. It helps to connect with your body spiritually and consciously. 

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Metta District

Cooch & Gooch Ball

Marni welcomes the Founder of the Fioneers into the Den. Jessica is a writer, speaker, coach, and author of the award-winning personal finance lifestyle blog, The Fioneers. Her lifestyle design program helps clients discover their values, design the life they want, and attain financial freedom.  Today, she shares the practices and strategies her clients use to shift their lives. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• How to discover your values
• The formula for financial freedom
• Rediscover joy
• Get off auto-pilot to design the life you want

Jessica describes lifestyle design as an iterative process, not a linear goal. It is the process of figuring out who you are, what you want, what your values are, and your strengths and limitations. This process allows you to dream big and then make a plan to make your dreams a reality.

She shares her journey of pivoting from a job she didn’t enjoy to becoming financially independent. When she started suffering emotional turmoil and panic attacks, she knew she had to leave her toxic job.

Ask yourself ‘What can I get my money to do to have the life I want right now?’ 

After ingesting as much financial information as could, Jessica realized she could use her money to live the life she wanted. 

You can have a lot of money or a little money and still know nothing about it.

Lifestyle Design [24:11]

Jessica started the process of making it a reality in her life. She took six months off from work. She removed everything from her life and then decided what she put back in. She made a financial plan and built up her emergency fund.

She advises starting by asking yourself what percentage of your day or week is doing something that you love and getting off auto-pilot.   

We don’t honor ourselves by doing the things we think we should be doing instead of what we want to be doing. 

Powerful tools to evoke action: 

1. Meditation practice — Journaling and Yoga are useful.
2. Rediscover joy — Do something every day that makes you happy.
3. Make a list of the things you eliminate from your life to make your life better.

If you weren't burned out how would you be spending your time? 

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The Fioneers

Fioneers Coaching Program Waitlist

This episode of the Bachelorette features a never-before-seen moment in TV history. Fans who watched were able to celebrate Katie saying goodbye to the villain before the lame drama started, Nick Viall shows up for no reason, and guys expose vulnerable moments from their past.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• The right time to discuss your past
• Ask follow up questions for clarity
• Why believe a guy when he tells you who he is
• Guys getting vulnerable makes for good television

In this episode, Katie had a second date with a group of guys and asked them to share something vulnerable. Marni and Chris agree it was a great segment. Most of the guys sincerely shared very personal things they were ashamed of or bad choices they made. One guy got emotional and cried. 

Katie was compassionate and shared a vulnerable moment from her past. She explained why she is #sexpositive. 

When is it the right time to share your back story? Marni recommends sharing vulnerabilities on the third or fourth date. Don’t wait until you are six months to a year into a relationship. It’s too late.

Getting Rid of the Villian [11:24]

Even if the producers wanted to keep the drama high, Katie dumped Carl before he had a chance to wreak havoc.  A new contender for the dislikeable character award reared his head up though, Thomas. Instead of sharing something vulnerable, Thomas pushed his agenda by saying he is only on the show to build his platform. Both Marni and Chris agree that he put his cards on the table and was truthful about who he was but who he is doesn’t make good partner material.  

A mistake many women make is thinking they can change a guy or the chemistry is so amazing they don't really listen to when a guy tells them who he is. 

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In this episode of the Dating Den, Marni speaks with bestselling author Matthew Coast about what it takes to be a forever woman. In his book, The Forever Woman: Make Him See You as the Woman He Wants Forever,  he outlines the top three ways women become a person of value. He shares the important details in this conversation.  

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• How to be a woman of value
• #1 things women do to not show their value
• Biggest hurdles for men
• Moving past your past
• Dating in abundance

Guy after guy Matthew speaks with says they doubt they will ever find their forever woman. A poll shows that 87% of men want to find a woman they can settle down with but, they don't believe they will ever find her. 

One of the biggest hurdles for men is that they have other things in their way such as insecurities and stagnant patterns. It is difficult to break patterns that have been in place for decades. Men may avoid commitment or they may be scared to open up and not believe someone will love them for who they are. 

You can normally see someone's future if you look at the patterns of their past.

A man is more likely to put in extra effort if a woman seems valuable to him. The Forever Woman Formula is all about value:

1. Believe in your value
2. Position yourself in value
3. Communicate your value

A woman who knows her value doesn’t get taken advantage of.           

What is a High-Value Woman  [25:18]

Matthew says it is obvious when a woman values herself. He recommends being in a position where men are competing for your love, attention, time, and commitment. He says when most women come to him they are concentrated on just one guy. Something that when gender-flipped, men call it 'one-itis' a disease for being stuck on one person who doesn't like you as much as you like them or isn't reciprocating in the way you want them to. 

Live in abundance, meaning being open to dating more than just one man.

  #1 Communication Issue for Women [31:14]

Matthew says many women are afraid to communicate what they want because they are scared they don't deserve it, or a man will freak out and run away. But, what women ultimately find is when they do speak their value certain guys run off but others, the high-quality guys step up.  

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Matthew Coast on Youtube

The Forever Woman: Make Him See You as the Woman He Wants Forever by Matthew Coast

This episode of the Bachelorette features a virgin, a best lover contest, and lots of tongue tennis. Marni and Chris discuss Katie’s questioning style, why it’s important not to rule someone out too soon, and early predictions of the challenges Katie faces this season. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Kissing and sex on TV, good or bad?
• How to use open-ended questions to collect more data
• Dating a guy with a fetish
• It is refreshing to see people kiss with their eyes closed

 In this episode, Katie played the ‘Best Lover’ game with the guys. Each guy had the opportunity to turn her on and to share an example of how they would be the best lover to her if they had a future together. 

Marni and Chris have different views about all of the spit swapping taking place on the show. Marni doesn’t mind watching the intimate moments but Chris thinks the kissing was gross. He says it is equivalent to watching fish in a barrel fighting over food pellets. He leans into the possibility that Greg is a good kisser, but watching the cat guy suck face was more than he could bear. At least, they both agree, that everyone closed their eyes unlike Matt James of the Bachelor.

Doesn’t it seem like these guys are nerdier than past Bachelorette studs of previous seasons?

Katie ended up giving the rose to Mike P., the virgin of the group and the honor of being tagged the greatest lover of all time. 

The 3 Date Rule  [10:16]

It’s not for everyone, but Katie goes camping with Greg for their first date. Chris and Marni agree it is a long time to spend with someone, especially if red flags appear. But, this is the Bachelorette and not exactly real-life dating. 

At Dating with Dignity, the team recommends clients go on three dates before ruling someone out. Everyone deserves a second chance and even if you are not enjoying yourself try using the date to practice and hone your dating skills. Maintain eye contact, practice listening, and be optimistic about the other person.  

On the show, Katie brings up her father’s death during the camping trip. Greg's reaction to what she shared was sweet but extremely subtle. Marni thought it was sweet. Chris and the guys watching the show with them thought his reaction meant Greg wasn’t into Katie, saying that the way he pulled back seemed like a red flag. Then later, Greg revealed his Dad also passed, changing Chris’ perception. Maybe Greg didn’t want to cry on camera? 

Going on three dates offers a guy the chance to open up and be vulnerable. Remember, there may be stuff below the surface we don't see at first glance.

  Questions and Curiosities [29:35]

Marni and Chris discuss the hard interview style Katie used when asking Cody about his character. Marni points out that ‘yes’ and ‘no’ questions only get you ‘yes’ and ‘no’ answers. So, say no to the checklist! A better dating strategy is to share a little something about yourself then ask a curious question, such as ‘Do you relate to that at all?’. Open-ended questions will extract more information and make the guy more willing to share his feelings.

Early predictions about Katie on this season of the Bachelorette:

• She may have trouble collecting data about the guys.
• She may be protecting herself and have her guard up.

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Marni welcomes body language and presence expert, Rachel Coosar into the Den to learn more about what men are thinking by reading their body language and non-verbal expressions. Rachel is responsible for the Choreography for Business program helping business leaders with performance in extremely high-pressure contexts. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• What non-verbal cues are you leaking
• Better dates through body language
• Aligning your body with how you feel 
• Recognizing a player 
• Dating after COVID

Rachel shares how she uses her superpower of being a body language expert by taking people watching to the next level. She describes the process she uses to know more about the couples she sees in the wild. 

She says many people hyperfocus on the face and eye contact but when you can see someone's full body other cues are happening that provide more information. 

There are 7 Universal Expressions: 

• Happiness
• Sadness
• Anger
• Shock
• Disgust
• Contempt 
• Surprise 

While people-watching, look for these cues to practice the art of reading a person’s body language. Do people lean in toward each other? Are the people relaxed, or are they over-exaggerating their body language trying to make their interest known? Rachel says women tend to use their upper body while men look deep into the woman’s eyes. 

Are the non-verbal cues you are exhibiting congruent with how you feel?

How to Align Your Body Language with How You Feel [9:45]

Marni’s leaking theory turns out to be a wider practice done by experts. Unconscious beliefs about ourselves or other people do leak into our conscious life. If we are insecure our insecurities can show up in our non-verbal expressions. and being guarded. 

If you are on a date and you are nervous, figure out where it is showing in your body. Are you fiddling with your jewelry, picking your nails, playing with a napkin or glass? Rachel says self-touch is something we can do to soothe ourselves. If you notice yourself fidgeting, express the energy you want by giving yourself some reassurance. Try stroking your arm while mentally noting that all is well. 

Myths about reading body language: 

1. You can tell exactly what people are thinking.
2. You can not adopt gestures or actions that send a specific message.

If it's not authentic, subconsciously people will notice something is off. 

Body Orientation for Better Dating [43:07]

Sitting directly across from the person you are dating is taking an adversarial position. Rachel says if that person is potentially a partner try sitting at the bar so you both are shoulder to shoulder facing inward. Or, if you are at a table, orient your body a little sideways, angled toward the other person.  If your intuition makes you angle away from them it could be a red flag. 

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Rachel Cossar's Links:

Website 

Programs 

Free Communication Power Hour workshops

Amazon book page

Marni and Chris are back to dish about the newest season of the Bachelorette. Katie Thurston was a contestant on the Matt James Bachelor season and is now in the hot seat and looking for a life-long partner. She is authentic, playful, and #SexPositive. Let’s dive into the dating lessons that came out of the first episode of the new season.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• What being #sexpositive means
• How to be gracious when a guy is awkward
• Getting clear about your type
• The thoughtful gimmicks that worked on Katie

Bachelorette Katie Thurston was on the Matt James Bachelor season. She brought the vibrator to the limo introduction. Know we get to know more about Katie and what she means when she declares herself #SexPositive. 

Marni and Chris discuss how #SexPositive means you can do what you want and still feel good about being you. There is still resistance from some groups who hold on to the double standard that men can sleep around but, if a woman does it, she is slutty. 

If you sleep with someone on the first date, does it ruin your chances at a long-term relationship?

Marni says when you wake up the next day and you still love yourself no matter what happened the night before, that is #SexPositivity. But, she cautions having sex with someone for the wrong reasons such as you think you will get them, you think that if you don't they will not want to see you again, or you feel shitty afterward, or he doesn't call and you beat yourself up. That is not dating with dignity. 

          Guys Get Awkward on First Dates Too [11:14]

Chris admits guys get nervous before first dates too. And, it is especially scary for guys to reach over and make the first kiss. He advises giving the guy a break much like Katie did with the guys who were nervous and sweating when meeting her. Remember, it is a produced show with lights, cameras, and crew all standing around. It can be unnerving. 

The rule of thumb is to rule people in before you rule people out. 

Does Bachelorette Katie Have a Type? [20:19]

At the beginning of the show, Katie says doesn't really have a type and  she is open to meeting all types of people but Marni recalls when one of the bachelors got out of the limo Katie said, “OMG, that guy is totally my type.” 

Marni questions Chris about possible predictions about Katie’s type based on her backstory and childhood. It was clear she longs to fit in, Chris says. He adds, she might act tough or be secretly sensitive and then asks Marni if she feels Katie is ready to identify, appreciate, and nurture a long-term partner.

Marni likes Katie’s authenticity and playfulness but it is simply too early to tell how she will date. She says we, the audience, had our first date with Katie last night too. Marni speculates that Katie may want someone to fall in love with her because of her desire to belong or she may be interested in the fixer-upper type of guy. 

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Marni speaks with an expert in love and intimacy who is known as the queen of juicy love. Stacey Murphy is a recovering perfectionist who helps professional women get out of the competitive self and integrate love, sex, and money into a powerful cocktail.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Top 3 reasons relationships fail
• How dating and relationships can be fun
• Feminine and masculine dynamics
• Nature versus nurture

Both men and women have masculine and feminine energies. As women, it is in our nature to lean more into our feminine and for males to lean more into their masculine. Modern society has conditioned and programmed many women to lean into their masculine in order to further their career aspirations.

Expert, Stacey Murphy says these three things are the top reasons relationships fail: 

1. Incompatibility — People not understanding their true nature or the nature of other people when entering a relationship. 

1. Money — Many people go into a relationship with existing money issues. 

1. Sex — People can be closed off sexually, have a fetish, or are afraid of being truly seen. 

When we get hunkered down into only seeing things the way we see them and neither partner wants to budge, but we still want to be in a relationship with our partner it can cause incompatibility. To overcome this, Stacey recommends trying to understand the other person’s nature versus their nurture.

The need to be right. It can prevent us from hearing the truth. When we come from a place of unhealed wounds, we can be anchored in our beliefs but it may not be our true nature. 

As a woman are you in your feminine power, or your nature? Are you reacting to your conditioning, programming, or environment? Or, are you in your true nature? 

          Lead with Your Strengths [17:21]

It may be a generalization, but men view money as a stepping stone to get them to the next part or phase of life. Men gamble with money more, they invest it differently and they have a different attitude about the role money plays in their life. 

Many women view money from the viewpoint of safety and security. They want to hold on to it. Stacey advises women not to hoard their money or hold on to it because the scarcity mentality can cause strife in a relationship. 

Professional women, earn whatever you want to earn just be careful not to emasculate your partner if you earn more money. Because it can torpedo your relationship toward incompatibility and money issues. 

Relationships are about collaboration, not competition. 

The 4 Pillars of Love [17:21]

Stacey explains how the four pillars of love connect to the man code formula and the secret to understanding men. And, how women can match themselves to a man. 

The four pillars of love are:

1. Mental
2. Emotional
3. Physical
4. Sexual

Just like the four legs of a chair, the ‘legs’ of a relationship can be a little off-balance or off-kilter,  but if one leg is broken the chair or relationship will fall. 

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The Vixen Academy