Life Check Yourself

Marni speaks with an expert in love and worthiness, former Miss USA, Terri Britt. Terri is a spiritual coach who works with women to increase their worthiness quotient. She is an award-winning author of the book, The Enlightened Mom and offers Dating Den listeners a free ebook. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Why women feel not good enough
• Raise emotional vibrations to feel worthy of love
• Attract a loving and supportive partner
• Unblock your passion

As children, we closely observe our parents, and we mimic them. Most parents unknowingly use statements that make children feel not enough. Statements such as, in order to get that you must do this. Children then subconsciously take on the belief they are not enough.  We grow up believing we have to prove our worth. 

Terri shares her journey through relationships and love. She dated Wayne Newton at the height of his career and gave him power over her because she was grasping for love. After her personal transformation, when she finally took a stand for loving herself and clearing out old energy, she saw all the reasons he was bad for her.

Marni makes the point that when we start to do the inside work, all of our exes seem to come back into our lives. It’s a kind of litmus test where we have to make better choices for ourselves. The unhealthy dynamic is gone and we can see how much we have developed personally. 

Our spirits are here to go on a journey. People come into our lives to show us things we need to learn. 

Raising Vibrations & Worthiness [21:04]

Terri says our thoughts emit vibrations. Whatever vibrations we hold are what the universe sends us in return.  It is what we attract. Terri wanted passion in her life so she kept holding the vision, even though she didn’t know how it would manifest. 

If we want to feel worthy, we have to love and nurture ourselves. We have to get rid of the belief that something is wrong with us. 

Terri says women tend to grasp at trying to find a person to be in our lives. They put up a facade because we do not feel enough. But, she adds, we are missing the boat because we are energetically sending out that who we are is not enough. We send mixed vibrations out into the world. If we perform, believing we need to act a certain way to be worthy of love, we attract things that are not loving, supportive, nurturing, or beautiful. 

When you stop performing, you take back the authority of your life and you become a woman leader. 

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Terri Britt

Terri Britt on Facebook

Women Leaders of Love — Free Ebook

Marni speaks with Certified Financial Planner Sean Fitts about how he works with smart, professional women to create financial freedom and independence so they can get everything they want from life. If you are single, divorced, or widowed, Sean offers important money tips and insights you need to know about.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Understanding money basics
• Be confident about money
• The freedom of making smart financial decisions
• Asking questions about money when dating
• Must-have money conversations with potential partners

First and foremost, no matter what their relationship status is women need to understand money basics, says Sean. It is OK to delegate more in-depth monetary transactions but knowing the basics will keep a bank account from being overdrawn and, more importantly, provide financial security. 

Don't be afraid to say "I don't know what that means”  when talking to a trusted advisor about financial planning. 

The golden rule of financial security is to have a minimum of three months of what you spend, in cash and available to you in the event of an unintended major life event. Sean says, if you are single, protect your income with disability or job loss insurance.

Divorces and Deaths [21:04]

Sometimes life throws us relationship curveballs. And, finances can change drastically as relationships change. Sean advises women to not make any major financial decisions or changes soon after a life shift. The goal is creating financial stability to help sort through the noise of the well-meaning people in our lives. Find your own voice and refrain from making emotionally-based money decisions. 

Money is important to talk about while dating. Sean says unless you want to raise a child, a man should be able to pay his own way. If you value financial security, it is important to ask money questions early because financial decisions affect every long-term relationship.  

Many men believe they will work until they die. Financial planning is about more than having an income. 

The right guy is willing to have money conversations because they want the same things from a relationship.  

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Sean Fitts

Sean Fitts on LinkedIn

Your Wealth 360

Today, Marni speaks with a former victim of heartbreak and grief. Michael Golowyn was plagued with rejection, abandonment, and failed relationships for 20-years until he learned to transform his heartbreak into inspiration. Author of the bestselling book, Transforming Your Life V2, Michael discovered a unique solution to overcome heartache and draw in the right person. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• How to overcome heartbreak
• Understand why certain partners were in your life
• A proven process for getting over the wrong guy
• Why some singles steer away from relationships
• How to draw in your ideal partner

After a devastating break-up in 2016, Michael realized he had an opportunity to work on himself. He found time to work on a process that works for heartbreak, but it also helps singles manifest their ideal partner. His process is adapted from John DiMartini’s groundbreaking work. 

Michael says when we are highly emotional, we are operating from the amygdala, and when we experience a break-up, we go through withdrawal. Exactly like withdrawals from an addiction. We become addicted to certain qualities of a partner. When we break-up, we must grieve and break our addiction. 

Our subconscious only sees half the data when we are emotional. 

To recover, we need a substitute to latch on to. Michael says it relates to the  Conservation of Energy principle,  one of the most fundamental laws in physics. 

One by one we must replace the addiction to our ex's attributes. It helps bring down the grief. Our survival instincts are to move away from pain and toward pleasure. We need to stop and use our intuition instead of instincts. 

If the relationship you are grieving is based on sex, comfort, or safety Michael’s process works the same for every type. He says to make a list of everything you miss about your ex and consider who else in your life can replace those feelings. 

Ask yourself high-quality questions to remember when your ex exhibited an attribute you were infatuated with and identify how it was a disadvantage to your life and how it harmed your life. Eventually, you recognize how bad your ex was for you. 

Life has a way of evolving itself around what our values are.

Singles may be perpetually single because there is a subconscious pain associated with being in relationships they are not acknowledging. 

They may have unconscious motives to stay single and unresolved baggage.

Michael says our past partners reflect everything, even issues we have with our parents. They are in our life for a time to help us wake up. It's feedback. We have all the answers we just need to know how to work it. 

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Michael Golowyn Coaching

Book a Transformation Session with Michael Golowyn           

Michael G. Author page — Transforming Your Life

In this exclusive episode of the Dating Den, Marni speaks with the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation, Connell Barrett. He teaches men to unlock their most confident and authentic selves so they can connect with wonderful women without being creepy. As a current dater, Connell is all about dating with integrity. He says he can fix any dating problem because he has been through them all! 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• The inside scoop about problems men face when dating
• How men try to overcompensate when they don’t feel worthy
• Why men ghost
• How to know when a man is looking for a quality relationship
• Why some men text too much

Believe it or not, men have difficulty dating too. They may put on a brave face but lack the confidence to make the first move. Connell coaching clients say the two biggest problems they face are: 

• They lack confidence — They don’t feel attractive or worthy. This is an internal issue. 
• They don't know how to talk to women — They don’t know how to express themselves when talking with women. This is an external issue. 

Connell says men feel like they have to be witty and funny all the time. They need to know that it is ok to lower the bar and be curious about their date. They don't have to be on all the time. It relaxes guys to know that women don’t expect a show. 

Marni asks, what makes a guy feel comfortable on a date so he doesn't feel judged? Or, what if someone shows up on a date and it's not going well... What can a woman do to save it for him?

A man has to realize his value, no matter how the date goes, Connell says. And, he advised women to ask their date to drop the act and show them who he really is because the guy is acting that way because it comes from an insecure place. He is afraid to be vulnerable.

Connell shares a personal example of how a woman helped him to date better. He used to overcompensate. He was arrogant and acting cool, when she asked “why can’t you just be yourself?” It changed his dating life forever.  

You can't force chemistry which is what makes it magical.

One of the worst things a guy can do is make a woman think he is interested and then just stop returning texts and never calling again. So, Marni asks the burning question we all want to know the answer to, Why Do Men Ghost? 

Connell says it is basically because they are afraid to say something the other person needs to hear. Guys do it because they are trying to protect themselves from the pain or discomfort of telling a woman they have lost interest and no longer want to date them. 

If you ghost someone they could interpret it as not being worthy so, do the right thing and be direct and open.

How to Move Past the Endless Texts [26:13]

When a guy sends several texts a day, it is a sign he is interested, but what if his texts are boring and mundane? Or, worse, he never gets to the asking you out on a date part. Connell advises women to take the lead in the conversation.  Start a conversation that is more enjoyable for you. Start flirting and see if he follows. 

If he doesn’t respond to flirting like you thought he would remember that many men are clueless. Everyone is afraid of rejection, men included. Anything a woman can do to let a guy know that if he asks her out her answer will be yes, the better. 

Be flirty and playful when texting with men. What have you got to lose?

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Dating Transformation

Dating Sucks But You Don’t

This week’s guest originally appeared on episode three of the Dating Den podcast. Now, she is the VP of Client Success. Christine Kriner rejoins Marni on the show to share the incredible breakthroughs and relationship shifts she experienced after trusting the process. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• What may be holding you back from having a great relationship
• Benefits of setting boundaries
• Courageous moves to help you find your vision
• Looking at every situation as a learning experience

Before joining the Institute of Living Courageously Crew, Christine worked for 20-years in the field of personal development. She helped others to develop themselves but never applied the lessons to her own life. She never experienced breakthroughs. But, after some deep listening to Marni's coachings and to the outcomes of other clients, she started applying it to her life and experienced some consequential shifts. 

Christine says it changed her. She doesn't believe she would be in the amazing relationship she is in now if she hadn’t taken action and applied the lessons.

Christine says her father told her when she was young that humans aren't monogamous. So, she didn't expect it from her relationships. She would pick the wrong men, the bad boys. She thought she was attracted to the hard-to-get, handsome guy. 

Marni and the other master coaches helped her go deeper to uncover some trust issues. She didn't trust herself and she never felt enough.

When Christine realized she was enough, she started setting boundaries and stopped over-giving of herself and her time. Suddenly, the energy of her relationship shifted. She expressed her needs to her partner and he would do whatever it was to make it happen. The relationship dynamic changed entirely. Christine stopped over-giving and her partner started giving of himself more.

There is no express bus to get the life you want. You have to make bold courageous moves to reach your vision. 

Christine recommends trusting the process because if you do the work it pays off. She says even though she sometimes makes up a story in her head about a situation, she assesses where it came from and decides whether or not it is more about her past or a current need.  

When you fail, fail forward because you learn something. 

Christine’s advice for other women looking for a fulfilling relationship, ‘Look at every situation as a learning experience’. She never thought having a connected, vulnerable conversation with her partner would be the perfect Friday night date.  

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Marc and Angel

In this lively episode, Marni and Chris discuss all the juicy Bachelor Nation drama. They question the motives of the men chosen to be on the show and spotlight Colton Underwood and Matt James’ escapades. Will this season go down in the history books as the most dramatic season ever? Probably, but there is always the next Bachelor in Paradise to look forward to.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• How to avoid staying too long in a bad relationship
• Should people be forgiven for the actions they take while heartbroken?
• How to discern if a guy only looks good on paper
• Will Bachelor in Paradise have any contestants?

Marni and Chris discuss the previous Bachelor, Colton Underwood. If you haven’t already heard, this 29-year-old man was enamored with a girl named Cassie even though he came out as gay on Good Morning America. Colton is accused of planting tracking devices on Cassie’s car and some other ‘light’ stalking activities. 

Cassie has not reached out to him, nor made any public statement. 

Chris asks Marni if guys deserve a second chance after these types of antics? He recalls a few times he did some ‘weird stuff’ after he suffered heartbreak or was under extreme emotional duress. 

Chris also asks how someone can avoid staying too long in a bad relationship. Marni advises him to ask hard questions and trust his gut when it comes to the answers. Look at where you are and make adjustments. Be courageous and do what you need to do for yourself.

If someone isn't emotionally available that is a red flag.

Is Mr. Perfect only perfect on paper?

If Matt James had business cards he could confidently make his title, Player. Marni and Chris knew it from the beginning of the season. Since the season has ended a lot has come out about his no-good ways. 

He texted Rachel after posting that he was breaking up with her. He then flew her to NYC to continue their relationship. It seems to be all about the social media attention with him. While this is going on, he was talking to another woman named Grace who he had dated before. 

So, Rachel is heartbroken. Grace Amerling told him she wasn’t interested and then called Reality Steve and told him the whole story.

Matt James had no intention of settling down when he applied for The Bachelor.

Marni says, in the end, it is what are the values you are looking for in a person, they are consistently demonstrating through behavior over time. It doesn't matter what someone looks like on paper it is about how they are showing up. That's all you need to know. 

Chris says, don't date anyone who would be on the Bachelor.

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Marni welcomes bestselling authors and professional coaches, the dynamic duo, Marc and Angel Chernoff into the Den. The couple discusses tips from their latest book, 1000+ Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships, secrets of a lasting relationship, and communication strategies to use in the dating process.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• 5 questions that can save a relationship
• How to have a repair conversation
• Communication habits to avoid
• The power of being grateful

Relationships are a huge part of our lives. Therefore, the rituals and habits we build and adopt should focus on communication and relationships. A common myth is if we find the right person they will bring out the best in us and make us happy. In reality, WE are the key to our happiness, not another person. 

How can we be life-giving to another human being if we are depleted?

When we are in a relationship we need to tune into the other person by checking in with them and inquiring how we can be of service to them. Asking high-quality questions can help us find a resolution before something turns into a problem.

If a couple reaches a point when a conversation is getting heated, Marc recommends putting ourselves in the right frame of mind. It is unwise to step into an argument when we are in an elevated emotional state. 

It is easy to say something more harshly than we meant when we are irritated or hurt. If a partner leaks or has a moment, consciously take a pause. 

How to come back to a conversation and say I am sorry in a healthy way? 

After a pause, use a matter-of-fact statement such as ‘this is what I noticed, this is how it makes me feel, and this is what I need’.  When talking about our feelings everyone is right.

People are attracted to energetically happy people. But, when we are meeting new people while dating there is a lot of uncertainty and discomfort. Marc reminds us that this is why it is important we find peace within ourselves. 

First dates are about collecting data about the other person. What do you think of them, not what do they think of you? Often, we are partially consumed by that distraction and it pulls us away from collecting the information we should be collecting. 

Our mistakes are not who we are. We learn the way, on the way. 

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Marc and Angel

Marni welcomes a sex and intimacy coach into the Den. Irene Fair helps couples make love and sex work in long-term relationships while keeping the passion alive. Irene’s work has been featured in HuffPo, Elite Daily, Bustle, and Scary Mommy.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• How to want sex again
• Dispel myths about libido 
• Why it is important to communicate your sexual needs early
• Why having sex too soon can hurt a sex life later

It's important to remember sex at the beginning of a relationship is special and unique. It should not be a benchmark for the sexual expectations of a long-term relationship. 

When some women become asexual as their libido drops we rarely look at what has happened in a relationship or what is different than in the beginning when the partners first experienced each other.  

Irene reminds us, there are various ways to have a sexual connection between partners. Sex doesn't have to mean only traditional intercourse. When we think of sex as only one thing we pigeonhole ourselves because it robs us of the richness of connection and intimacy. 

We all need to let loose and surrender to the moment. 

Contrary to popular belief, Irene recommends communicating sexual needs at the beginning of a relationship. She says do not wait until problems show up to discuss them with your partner. Because it is common for men to initiate or to lead the sexual aspect of a relationship. Therefore, he leads from his perspective or what works for him without fully understanding what works best for us. 

It can lead women to try to keep up with or reject their partner which can create a negative dynamic. 

Having our emotional needs met is the key to a woman’s sexual desire engine. Men function differently.

While it is important to communicate your sexual needs early in a relationship, Irene warns against having sex too soon while dating. She points out that once you are being manipulated by all those crazy hormones you will be bonded to a person before you know if they are right for you.  

Hormones released during sex can keep you from recognizing potential red flags in a relationship.

Staying sober (free from hormones) during the beginning of a relationship allows us to ask important questions about what the future may look like with a person. 

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Irene Fehr

@ignitedwoman on Twitter

Marni welcomes a fourth-generation journalist into the Den. Annie Daly has written about travel and wellness for Self, Travel + Leisure, Conde Nast, and she was the Travel Editor at Buzzfeed. During this episode, she shares key elements of her book, Destination Wellness, which includes wellness practices from six different cultures. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Why you can not find wellness in a product
• Common threads in ancient wellness practices
• Dating philosophies from around the globe
• The power of community in wellness

Annie met her husband on a camping trip. The original purpose of the trip was a girls-only weekend with the intention of escaping men. It just goes to show, you never know when or how you will meet your match. 

About writing her book, Destination Wellness, Annie says she grew tired of the commercialism surrounding well-being and wellness. She knew there were ways to live in balance that had nothing to do with buying products. She decided to travel to six different cultures to learn more about their lifestyle and wellness philosophies. The countries she visited are Jamaica, Norway, Hawaii, Brazil, India, and Japan. 

We don't have to buy our way into well-being.

Getting back to basics, embracing nature, and living in the moment are common threads that tie ancient wellness practices together. In other cultures, a wellness lifestyle is built into daily life from the start of life. It is a stark contrast to the U.S. 

In Norway, Friluftsliv, or Free, Air, Life is practiced.  It’s a shared belief that people should spend as much of their lives outside as possible. Schools are often held outside. 

In Jamaica, the Ital philosophy means eating wholesome foods that were sourced locally. 

In Hawaii, the spirit of Aloha is about the connection between all human beings, the love between us all. The harmonic culture believes that knowing who you are and understanding your roots helps you cultivate a greater sense of well being.  

Philosophy for dating — Knowing who you are is the foundation for what you want to bring to a relationship. Date with Aloha. When you have the spirit of Aloha, you see everyone as a human who seeks and desires love, just like you. 

In Japan, Ichigo Ichie means one time, one moment. This culture honors the little moments with someone and gleaning the most meaning from the moments you have.

In India, Ayurveda is a system of healing and honoring yourself as an individual. Identifying your dosha helps you better understand what foods to eat, best practices, workouts, and how to balance yourself in the world. This culture understands that wellness looks different for everyone. 

In Brazil, they embrace Saudade. In its raw form, it is an emotional pain that comes from missing someone you love. If someone you love is gone, you suffer from loving them so much and not having them around. This culture holds the value of community over all else. 

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Annie Daly 

What’s Your Dosha?

Marni welcomes a woman who has her hands in many creative ventures, Natasha Chandel into the Den. Natasha was born in Dubai and now lives in LA. Depending on the day she is a comedy writer, actress, creative producer, podcast host, and more. During their chat they discuss the Kinda Dating Podcast, the influence of social media and reality dating shows on real-life dating, and how the pandemic has changed dating.  

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Learning to recognize your dating style
• How social media and reality dating shows affect perceptions
• Finding connection during the pandemic
• Don’t take ghosting personally

Natasha describes her podcast Kinda Dating as an exploration of commitment issues. She reveals that in the past she was a hardcore relationship girl. But after enduring an abusive relationship, she became a commitment-phobe. Through lots of therapy and personal development work, she has come out on the other side as a reformed commitment-phobe. 

When we are on a date, we tend to judge the other person without realizing how we are showing up. We may be the quality casual daters who are showing up as emotionally unavailable and not even be aware of it. 

When Natasha looks at the world of entertainment and social media, she believes people are used by technology instead of people using the technology. On the flip side,  apps and social media ARE a great way for people to connect. Natasha admits to socially stalking people before she would go out on a date with them, but she doesn't want her entire relationship online. 

One in three Gen Z'ers say their online identity is their most authentic self. But, Natasha says they may not understand what being your most authentic self means. They may not be old enough to understand who they are yet. 

Marni brings up the documentary show Fake Famous. The producers use proven strategies to make three people instantly famous as social media influencers. The show highlights how fake social media influencers can be. It’s a digital construct. 

Social media influencers are fake digital constructs. Do not measure your life against an image that isn't real. 

Natasha reminds us that social media is a curated experience. Most people don't post the negative parts of life. Focus on the good things in your life so you spend less time comparing yourself to others. Marni adds when we seek validation from outside we are not filling up our self-love tank. 

The pandemic has caused people to spend much more time online and swiping online connection apps. Most studies show this does not help people feel connected. 

Natasha believes when the pandemic is over people will be over-the-top careless and start having sex with anybody and everybody. She says to wrap up! Put a condom on! 

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Natasha Chandel

Kinda Dating Podcast